Friday, February 21, 2014

What Do You Do When...

Ken has cheated on my sister's best friend Stephy repeatedly. Stephy's put up with it over the years. And all the times he's told her she's not good enough and needs to improve. 

And all the arguments.

And the break-ups and get back together.

And that time when they got back together and Ken found out that when they were apart Stephy had considered dating someone else so Ken told her, "While I'll just go sleep with a hooker then if that's the way you're going to behave." 

And today I found out that during their fight last night he hit her repeatedly.

I can't take this crap. I was physically shaking and my heart was racing when I found out. Then I noticed a picture Stephy posted on her Facebook page...

And saw that Ken had "Liked" the picture. Which I felt was his ironic way of pretending nothing happened.

I decided to let Ken know directly that I knew what he had done and I was NOT ok with it. So I reposted the same image on his wall with the words, "TRUTH" posted above so he'd get the message. Here are the private messages I received shortly after on Facebook:

Ken: "Thanks for that Jessica. Like I haven't been plagued by regret and trying to move forward. I know what I did was wrong and I know that Em told you what happened. So please, if you're going to post things like that, I'd appreciate it if you didn't make it so obvious. Thank you. And just so you know, I'm deleting that from my wall. I already liked Stephy's same post she posted on her wall."

Me: "It's just amazing after all the cheating you've done that you'd do something like that too. You really aren't the person I thought you were."

Ken: "I'm not the person I want to be right now."

Simultaneously I receive this private message:  

Stephy: "I was kind of wondering if you could please take down that link you posted on Ken's wall down about the man is not a man when he hits a girl or whatever. Just don't want anymore trouble then it already has happen. He is already aware what he did. And I feel it's just going to cause more problems which I don't really want or need so please take it off his wall it would be much appreciated."

Me: "He just deleted it. But I don't think pretending like it didn't happen is going to change or improve anything either. If you were my sister I'd do the same."

Stephy: "I am aware of that me and him are already not talking anymore and we are not seeing each other anymore because of what happened he really just needs space to be away from everyone for now."

Simultaneously in another message from a mutual friend of Ken and mine named David: 

David: "I noticed that you posted a meme to kens wall about men hitting women. And while I think I agree with it, I don't agree with you posting it on his wall. And I would like to ask that if it's still there, that you send it to him in a private message instead publicly on his wall. And the reason I ask this is because I think it will just add fuel to the fire." 

Me: "Yah Ken deleted it and Stephy said to keep things quiet. Stephy seems to have a habit of sweeping things under the rug and given the severity of what happened, someone should say something. It's done and over now."

David: "Not to worry. It's being taken care of. There are plenty of people to say something. But ken is not in a place where he's going to listen to a lot of people right now. He knows what he did was wrong. But you have to be careful about posting things like that at someone because it can really hurt them a lot more than just personally, and you don't want that on your conscience knowing he's in direct sales. I'm not trying to lecture you or anything, and I'm sorry if it comes off that way. Because I don't know how else to say it. It's not that anyone is sweeping it under the rug. So it's nothing personal against you or anything, and I'm not taking sides, but this is why I wanted you to call me, because I care. :) I personally wouldn't want ken to go off on you. Ya know?"

Me: "I've kept my mouth shut about a lot of things Ken has done -including all the times he cheated on Stephy. At some point someone has to openly acknowledge and make it aware that an abuse is occurring. Typically I wouldn't say anything, but today was an exception I felt needed to be made."

David: "Thumbs up." 

Me: "Thanks :)"

David: "Feel free to do so. I have noticed it too. Just keep things like that private because it is a private matter. I'm not condoning anything that he did at all, but he is human, and he is clearly having a huge problem dealing with parts of his life right now. Because of the 8 years I've known him, I have never seen anything as bad as this. Its not something that needs to be announced to the world, and that's what we're doing if we post stuff like that publicly on the internet like that. Please* "

Me: "Ok. Noted."

David: "Thanks you. I really appreciate it :) " 

Me: "No prob. Just trying to deal with everything."

David: "Yea me too. I'm trying to help Steph sort of "wake up" to the things she's saying, and help her understand that there really wasn't anything she did wrong."

Me: "Yah she always seems to blame herself after these things."

David:  It's not a bad thing to look at yourself as long as you look what you can learn from it to be a better a person, but steph is just putting herself down and torturing herself. She's being way overly hard on herself. But unfortunately that's kind of the norm in relationships like this. But the difference is that ken knows what he did is wrong. Normally the abusive partner doesn't even see it as wrong. 

Me: "Hopefully they can both move forward in their lives and gain a better sense of self and peace in life."

David: "Yah! I hope so too! By the way I love the photos from your photoshoot! They are very beautiful!"

Me: "Thanks :) "

So what is "right" to do in this situation? Say nothing? Post nothing? Keep it a "private" thing? I don't know. Pray it never happens again.

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