Paving the Way

I like how it takes months for fairly obvious spiritual understandings that have been laid out to finally dawn on me. I've told God to treat me like an idiot for that reason. 

Early 2019 my step mom took my dad, my step brother, and I to a restaurant in Idaho Springs. It's this nice little historic town where gold in Colorado was first discovered. 

At the time my step mom had just started working with a woman entrepreneur and her son -both living in 2 different states and with 2 completely different businesses. The son wanted to support the mom, but needed his own business -an adventure park -to be successful first. 

Fast forward to me working in Idaho Springs at that adventure park and also with the woman entrepreneur based out in Texas. 

The way you're led into things might be more obvious if you pay spiritual attention, verses just blindly wander through life. 

And I've also come to understand that where I'm working now (in the mountains surrounded by nature) is also a stepping stone to a path I'm being led down. 

I was meant for movement. My life has never been fixed in one place, even as a child being moved from house to house from parent to parent after they divorced. I'm like water that flows down a river. I think I'm meant to Evolve into more of an Ocean, but there's still movement. The ocean has tides. 

Travel is a word that keeps coming up. I think I'm finally ready to explore the world. 

It's also pretty incredible that around February this year I got very clear and asked God to lead me to a place that had :Creativity, Nature, and Adventure. Doing graphic design and marketing at an adventure park in the mountains is pretty on-point. 

2 Weeks ago I rafted for the first time since I was 8 years old. I was nervous at first, but soon found comfort in trusting the guide who I later realized was like a shepherd on the water. These rafting guides would drown themselves to save a guest who'd fallen off the boat. 

The views down the river were incredible and I remembered a dream where I was rafting down the same path -like deja vu but with the memory of a dream about that reality in the moment. 

I was present and felt "covered" and looked after. It was reinvigorating. And I understood that going forward my life would be like that: A journey of exciting moments followed by a peaceful gliding on the surface. And then you reach the shore. 

So I'm on a path that's been picking up it's pace and should be a lot more open and exciting. 

Today I pulled 3 cards from my angel card deck: 

-Swan (transforming spiritually from astral travel, higher journeys we make as a soul, and trusting in God)

-Astral Travel (as always I appreciate God for spelling it out clearly for me) 

-Perfect Timing (just another reminder things are happening the way they're meant to) 

Alluding to Angels

There's a subject that I would lay down verbadem like cards onto a table, if I didn't have to worry about implications. You'd think given everything I could say and put out there just about anything, but some cause-and-effects to be concerned over incite more cause towards silence. 

Having said that I did want to spiritually beat-around-the-bush and acknowledge some important things. 

I drew this about 3 days ago. It's about the 3rd vision of this I've drawn and the first dates all the way back to 2015. 

When this vision popped in it was a lot Closer/Bigger than I'd seen it before in my mind. Originally it seemed kind of distant. 

It was the same "gif" clip of the 2 angels spreading their wings open to convey this world they were looking after behind/above them. Only when I saw it this time there was a "Hurry, they made it! It's here!" understanding I got from it. 

I wish I could allude to what's been going on and what I've been made aware of for the past 3 or 4 years now. Because this is HUGE. 

But for now I'll just say, "Good news! The new world HAS arrived. Greater spiritual good will be brought about and come about more easily now." We've crossed a threshold and are in the company f angels. Finally :) 

Spiritual Migration

I'm going to apologize ahead of time for the content in this post. 

1. I had an epiphany one night that wasn't all that new but did open my eyes a little more on what I call "spiritual migration". 

2. I got inspired and jotted down notes in my notebook to blog later. 

3. The next morning I decided I needed visuals to help explain this historical pattern. 

4. By mid-day when I was creating the visuals I realized I didn't exactly know the specifics on dates and times and was in a sarcastic mood. 

5. The slides I made aren't historically accurate my date, but are more historically accurate in terms of summarizing past occurrences better than high school history books ever did. 

6. I felt depressed and resentful of mankind/ human history after I made the slides and decided I wasn't in the right head space to blog about it. 

7. It's been 2 days since then so I'll give this a shot. 

Spiritual migration is influenced by Both the positive and the negative. Meaning in past times when Hell reigned, people migrated often out of fear or to avoid persecution. It's only recently we've started to see Positive-influenced spiritual migration led more by hopes, dreams, exploration, and creativity. 

So here's a little history: 

First off, PowerPoint doesn't want to let arrows turn 76 degrees, so it's up/down/left/right. European "migration" has been going on for a long time, it just started kicking in a lot during the rise of imperialism and desire to conquer new lands in the Americas, Asia, and Africa during the 1500s. We're going to focus on American-based spiritual migrations, even though you can expand this pattern to any country you want. 

Negative Migration: The evil of greed, conquering, and imperialism. It wasn't until much later the desire to evade persecution became more of a motivator for Europeans to venture elsewhere. 

I also could have shown East ---> West, then West--->South. But I wanted to focus on North America's interactions with Mexico. 

Spaniards came to Mexico and North America around the same time 1500s/1600s. Then -in tandem with white supremacy and white settlers roaming -they tried taking the lands and kicking natives out (this includes what who could call "Native Americans" and "Native Mexicans"). 

During this era my understanding of all the puzzle pieces is a little murky. Normally if history books don't cover things well enough I look for clues from movies and films (with a grain of salt). 

In general this era was Negatively influenced by dominance, slavery, and violence. 

It's my personal belief that the Native Americans in particular were targeted because their life was in balance, harmony, and with the exception of attacking other tribes they lived in a mostly peaceful way. Spiritually speaking they were very enlightened and listened to wisdom and sought spiritual unity. 

I could also probably add the early 1900s to this since looking into my own family history that's when a much longer migration of decades started to occur with people moving out west. 

First Positive influence of migration: But more specifically there was a huge movement towards what is now the Silicon Valley and California in general. Creative and  ingenuitive engineers, scientists, and designers moved out -as well as artists. Andy Warhol and Steve Jobs. And they transformed California with their influence into a highly influential Tech Center where the Internet itself was created. Before that it was mostly known for its agriculture and Hollywood. 

I also added migration from Mexico/South America at the bottom. It's probably more accurate to say people sought or wanted entry in part because of the U.S. reaking havoc in different countries through CIA missions, assassinations, drug trafficking, and government overthrows. 

Here's another way of thinking about/looking at the positive effects of some spiritual migrations. You notice that when large groups of people move to and become apart of a new state, they head for the cities and create a more diverse, inclusive community because of it. In turn they tend to make a more liberally-influenced political scene. At this point I don't mince words, this is a Good thing. I have been contending and trying to make peace with Republicans for over a decade now. Racism is Not good. Homophobia is Not good. Cruelty towards minorities is Not good. Spiritual migrations to states in this way seem to dissipate the previously narrow views those states held before. 

The way you can tell spirituality is underlying all this is Why California? Why Colorado? Why would large groups over years move to any state in particular? You can say job opportunities, but there's lots of job elsewhere. It's an unspoken shift that doesn't have much "reason" to it in the typical sense. 

And right now Colorado is reaching the end of its influx of people. I tried figuring out where people will go next and the top of my list of suspects includes: Texas, New Mexico, Oregon, and Florida. 

Meanwhile, he Global Refugee Crisis has been going on for some time now. It's hard to say when it "started" verses when people actually started to notice and pay attention. It is Negatively influenced -not by a desire to conquer and dominate, but by fear and a desire to survive. Violence has led to people fleeing from it. 

I think God is turning this negative into a positive though. For countries that embrace those seeking shelter they will experience prosperity, growth, and more diversity. For those who don't they will degrade themselves to xenophobic isolationism. They will flounder. 

There was a 7 year old girl from India who died crossing into the Arizona desert with her mother seeking shelter. India. 

I continue to pray that the majority of people in the U.S. who extend compassion are finally able to intercede and bring about peace to those fleeing violence by letting them in. 

Dreams July 17th 2019

Dream 1: Dad, my sister Emily, and I were at his house (I think?), but out back near a wooded area. There were other people around and nigh-time/stars coming out was just starting. 

There was a big thunderstorm rolling in, which is usual for where my dad lives, so I didn't think much of it and went inside. 

Then when I looked back outside there was a strange white light of "lightning" that looked different from the usual kind. It was much brighter. 

I went back outside and everyone in the opening beside the wooded area was frightened. Then a person dressed in Civil War soldier clothing appeared, looked shocked, and then disappeared in time with the lightning. Every time there was a flash of this lightning a ghost from a past time (mostly Civil War) would appear, looked surprised that they could be seen, and then disappear/cross over. 

I was perfectly calm during this whole thing and only had two thoughts: 

1. Wow I didn't know there were this many Civil War-related deaths in the area
2. Glad the ghosts are finally being crossed over and things are moving forward 

My dad, Emily, and I then ran to  nearby restaurant to take cover from the storm. I ordered a hot chocolate and told the waitress, "You better get two more for my dad and sister -they look like they're going to need them." I then explained to them what was happening and that it was a good thing. 

Dream 2: 

Part 1: I was at my dad's old house with my sister and my step-sister Sarah. 

My dad's old house had a balcony, swimming pool, and  a great view of the city. I was being told in the dream in a way that was pseudo-verbal but mostly just understood that the house was being given to me. 

We sold that house a long time ago, so the dream is saying I'm intended for a similar home. It's also interesting because that house was originally built by my grandfather in the 70's and my grandma and dad lived there, so dad eventually inherited it. 

Part 2: I accepted that I was mean to move into the house and so I went out front to grab my suitcase from the trunk of my car. 

When I stepped out front there was a wooden dock next to the house and a large pond with alligators swimming in it. Everyone was afraid of the alligators and was avoiding them. 

Then a little girl picked up a baby alligator and started petting it and hugging it. There was a blessed spiritual moment when she did this. When a bigger alligator came close, she was told to let it go and move away from them. The sense that I got was because she had embraced the baby alligator, at some future point in time it would remember the girl spiritually and refrain from harming anyone like her. 

I realized when I woke up that this was an answer to a question I had in my head yesterday. 

I'm donating a lot of stuff to Goodwill and was going through a box of old toys (the last of all the toys I've ever owned that I would want to pass down to my children). This was this toy alligator and I debated whether or not to keep it. I decided in favor, but wondered what kind of meaning it would hold or good it would do as a toy. 

Then I remembered that when I was 10 at dad's house I would frequently go around trying to catch lizards. At one point I caught an alligator lizard and it kind of frightened me because it was bigger than the usual ones and looked like it wanted to bite me. 

I think I'm meant to understand that the more people are caring towards animals, the better chance they have at being caring back towards people in this life and their next ones. 

Part 3: I eventually reached the car and had a present for my sister, so I gave it to her kind of out of the blue. She said thanks and then gifted Me a bunch. And then I found more for me from my mom and other relatives in the car trunk. I think it was my birthday. 

I also found a box of greasy donuts in the suitcase, took it out, and had no desire to eat them. Lately I've definitely gotten the sense that eating healthier is a top priority. 

These dreams were very clear and the messages were easy enough for me to understand. 

Lots of History Lessons

I've spent the past couple days being filled in on human history without trying. Thanks Netflix. 

4 shows people should watch: 

-Oliver Stone's Untold History of the United States
-The Tudors
-The Last Czars
-Versailles (Yes it's cheesy and they throw too much unwanted fiction in there, but it still important to see. He valued his palace and invested in it and you rarely or ever see "peasants" -like they don't even exist). 

I haven't been able to make it through the movie Lincoln. Too boring so far. 

The theme that kept coming up was a Massive Amount of people in a country giving power and "representation" of the entire people and country to One Person -or one person in particular -and the inevitable corruption, violence, genocide, and ignorance that follows. 

And it's not just ignorance of a monarch to the sufferings of his people, but also the ignorance of the people to the extent of abuses from the monarch until its "too late" or past the point of insanity. 

This includes the United States. 

You can say we have 3 branches that check and balance, but that illusion has been carved away at for a long time now. 

And it occurred to me, almost nothing I heard about these instances as a child and in high school was "true". 

What you read about the Russian Czars: Rasputin was weird and bad and the Czars were a monarchy that were over thrown in a Russian Revolution. And watching the movie Anastasia didn't help. 

You read maybe a paragraph in a 300 page book. 

And Henry VIII -one of the most pivotal people in a pivotal time in European and American history: He wanted to marry a bunch of women, separated from the Catholic church, and had a couple of his wives killed. 

2 paragraphs. 

How can we teach history to children without jading them when the full brutality of the history of humanity is shown? 

You can't. So we don't. "Hitler was a bad man who did bad things."

Then high school hits, you read Night by Eli Weisel and you think you've seen the darkest moment in human history. 

But then American History gets convoluted. 

"We dropped a bomb on Japan twice because we were at war and there was no other way..." 

Then you watch and understand reality 10 years later to a greater extent and realize there are too many things America STILL hasn't atoned for and is tone deaf to. 

Truth is everything. 

It hurts. 
It's painful. 
It's dark and heinous. 

But so is ignorance. 

With Truth comes the power to Change. 

New Dreams in July

I have 4-to-5 things I want to blog about, but haven't gotten around to yet. But There was a dream I had earlier that I realized I've had about 3 times now that's pretty vivid and relevant, so wanted to note it. And then there was another significant dream from a week ago I also wanted to post about. 

Dream July 5th: 

Part 1: I was in the room of a 7 year old boy that looked like it was in the basement of a prison. There were bars on the windows and the walls were made of cement. He had a lamp, some toys, and a bed down there. He was also missing an arm and was clearly handicapped. 

I don't know how, but I got the sense it was a non-profit he was in. He was talking to a supporter of the non-profit, which helped disabled kids, and was crying that he couldn't support them anymore. That he had to leave and stop his involvement for personal reasons. (I'm actually alluding to this person to protect their identity. It's a guy who in the dream had a wife accuse him of cheating on her and said he needed to come back home and be under closer watch by her so he had to giveup his non-profit endevaours.) 

Don't know if the wife/cheating thing is true or more symbolic, but the man is real and has been involved in non-profits for years, including ones that help disabled kids. 

Not sure what the prison meant though. The sen I got was that these kids are "trapped" in some way (physically) where in Heaven they never would be. 

Part 2: I was in a high school auditorium that I've had dreams about a couple times. I was sitting there, with few people around and no one performing or doing anything on stage when I saw to dating women talking about their relationship. One had gotten a "Peacock-Eye" tattoo and the other had gotten zodiac sign symbol tattoos to represent how they were fated to be together. 

Part 3: I was in an open field at the same school as a high school mentor. The students liked when mentors would perform/entertain them but were disappointed I never did. I was more stoic and kind of wise. They would come to me for advice but otherwise not really notice me. They were more interested in being kids and joking around. 

Then MY girlfriend came up to me and started engaging with the kids. She was more fun and expressive than me so the kids loved her. She would dance around and play different games. I looked at it all and knew that this was kind of old. That it was a lot of immaturity and youth and not much depth. And I looked at my girlfriend and knew she wasn't perfect and that our relationship wasn't perfect either. That on a spiritual level I was an "older soul" than her. But she loved me genuinely and I loved her completely so the rest did't matter. We had harmony. 

This was one of maybe only 4 or 5 dreams I've ever had about having a girlfriend. Each one was very deep and showed this meaningful relationship that had a lot of love in it. 

Dream July 10th: 

I've had this dream a couple times and it seems "closer" and more relevant now. 

I'm at a camp? outdoors somewhere and there's a lake and some woods. I was being guided into a cabin and told I needed to put my things there and "share space" with a couple other people. It felt like I was moving in so I was kind of sad I couldn't bring more stuff. 

I tried getting along with some of the people there, but it was like high school and I actually saw a couple people I had worked with in the Vertical Farm -which I'm pretty sure means I'm going to run into some similar people at some point. 

I mostly just kept to myself and explored the outdoors because people were in "clicks" and I just wasn't fitting in. So I swam and the lake was beautiful and felt spiritually refreshing. Then people -who had somehow been distracted from the outdoors and spent too much time revolving around each other -decided to have fun and play in the lake. 

It then got a little crowded and I wanted to go off and explore and do other things. 

I've had other dreams about being welcomed in to that kind of camp. Maybe I'm a camp counselor? I have no clue. But I feel like the adventure park I'm working at is meant to pave the way for something like that to happen. 

God has a plan. It's just that it isn't on Google maps and it's more based on landmarks that exact coordinates. 

Post 4th of July Reflections

It's amazing how much insight you can gain in one day. 

The main understanding that came has been: Be Kind. Be Compassionate. 

Not always the easiest thing, mostly because we get distracted from just Being rather than thinking. 

I went to my parents house dreading an argument of political upheaval -and granted it didn't help that Fox News was on the tv when I turned it on -but we made it through. 

I hate politics and the noise. 

But I will say this: It means nothing if you have neighbors of different races that your friends with. Or your nice and supportive to that one lesbian coworker. If you vote or act within a system set against people like them in the thousands and the hundreds of thousands that takes away their rights and sometimes their lives: You're no friend of theirs. 

Beyond that, I understood that I needed to let go of where other people where at in their journey of enlightened understanding and move forward. It was like a cucumber: No the greatest tasting bite in the world, but very healthy. 

Then my dad said a tornado was going to hit the area and there was a huge storm coming. I didn't believe it because that weather app had been wrong before. I also silently prayed for the rain to go away with a sense of assurity so we could see the fireworks. It was great watching the clouds drift away.

Although I'd never seen that much lightning in the clouds and it competed against the lights thrown into the sky, it wasn't much in comparison. And I understood that darkness will rain like a storm in the distance, but the good will still come through. 

Addressing the -ists" and "-ics" in Families

How does a soul navigate through compassion? When politics drives you insane and you're love for people in the world is met with apathy or even hatred by your family. 

When they say the Japanese Concentration camps weren't that bad and were needed at the time. 

When they say, "All Indians are terrorists because they're Muslim!" 

When you have to sit through a Thanksgiving and check off in your mind all the different demographics of people being mocked and insulted except for "white men".  

Especially with the collapse of timelines and the world "sorting itself out" on that basis... I figured you just accept things are severing because people are on different spiritual wavelengths and you let go. 

You walk away from, get distant to, and accept the inevitable shift. 

But then I was invited over for 4th of July. I'd say I've gotten into heated political debates with them, but it was mostly just once where I really laid things out and then gave up afterwards because it changed nothing. 

For my family out in the country I had an easier time. They can't pretend to have "a mexican friend" or a "black friend" to hide behind with the phrase "I'm not racist because...". They watch Fox News religiously and have no real outlet or access to a change in perspective. They're basically brainwashed by a culture and are too old to recognize or even begin to change that. 

So most of the time I just accept that's the reality and with exception of few instances, I can't change much. I pray for them and ask God to shed some light, but I've seen God struggle reaching them too. 

With my other family it's different. They listen to NPR. They watch a lot of Fox News, but not only that station. They are more educated and live in the city. They've MET people of different races and backgrounds. 

So It's harder and hurts a bit more when politics come up. I was told "The MeToo movement is a danger to men because false accusations are going to go through the roof now". This from someone who had witnessed her sister being raped. Whose father said, "Well boys have needs" when he found out. Who has known rape survivors. 

I don't know what to do in those circumstances. God has given enough Truth for them to grasp hold of so denial and ignorance wouldn't take hold and they're still blind. 

And it hurts. It hurts when I have to sit there and listen to that. I wounds my heart. 

So I didn't know what to do. so I prayed. "God help me through this one". Because a part of me has had enough and just wants to sever for the sake of my sanity -especially given how toxic things have become. I don't want to have to debate concentration camps where kids are being neglected and abused. 

Then I came across some quotes from Woodrow Wilson yesterday. It was a God-send: 

There is no higher religion than human service. To work for the common good is the greatest creed. -Woodrow Wilson

You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand. -Woodrow Wilson

Liberty has never come from Government. Liberty has always come from the subjects of it. The history of liberty is a history of limitations of governmental power, not the increase of it. -Woodrow Wilson

There can be no equality or opportunity if men and women and children be not shielded in their lives from the consequences of great industrial and social processes which they cannot alter, control, or singly cope with. -Woodrow Wilson

Business underlies everything in our national life, including our spiritual life. Witness the fact that in the Lord's Prayer, the first petition is for daily bread. No one can worship God or love his neighbor on an empty stomach. -Woodrow Wilson

The government, which was designed for the people, has got into the hands of the bosses and their employers, the special interests. An invisible empire has been set up above the forms of democracy. -Woodrow Wilson

America was established not to create wealth but to realize a vision, to realize an ideal - to discover and maintain liberty among men. -Woodrow Wilson

I have long enjoyed the friendship and companionship of Republicans because I am by instinct a teacher, and I would like to teach them something. -Woodrow Wilson

Neutrality is a negative word. It does not express what America ought to feel. We are not trying to keep out of trouble; we are trying to preserve the foundations on which peace may be rebuilt. -Woodrow Wilson

A conservative is someone who makes no changes and consults his grandmother when in doubt. -Woodrow Wilson

The ear of the leader must ring with the voices of the people. -Woodrow Wilson

Interest does not tie nations together; it sometimes separates them. But sympathy and understanding does unite them. -Woodrow Wilson

Democracy is not so much a form of government as a set of principles. -Woodrow Wilson

"America is not anything if it consists of each of us. It is something only if it consists of all of us." -Woodrow Wilson

I will not speak with disrespect of the Republican Party. I always speak with respect of the past. -Woodrow Wilson

He lived in 1921. This is how OLD this scenario has been. And I realized how long it has taken us to get this far. From this I learned God's request for Patience. Some ideologies take a way to die out. Like the notion of monarchy and tyranny that lasted for centuries. 

I was then later reminded how God is there indiscriminately for everyone -regardless of all the excuses people make to say that God isn't. 

But how do you actually navigate through the conversations. My instinct is to turn to Christ as example. If people claim to be Christian than it can be supposed they're beholden to Jesus in some way. It's easier to reason with people on the basis of Him than politics which I'd like to think they would agree matters much less. 

Christ is with those kids. He's with the refugee and the gay teen. He's standing beside the poor, the disabled, and the domestic violence survivor. 

He isn't an "---ist" because the flesh doesn't matter, he sees only the Soul. He isn't "-----------ic" because no person is foreign to Him. So those who follow Him should be able to see and acknowledge that if nothing else. 

Beyond that I have no clue. I could argue "democratic/ liberal" concepts of humanism but Republicans don't care about and tend to hate those things. 

I am reminded by God to appreciate the good in people and see where they don't have blind spots. Both sides of my family are more embracing of LGBT people. They still say gay is a "sin", but mostly out of default-dogma because it's not something they've had to contemplate independently of religion or more deeply out of compassion. People never should have blindly followed doctrine. It hasn't always been of God. 

And my family agrees on universal healthcare. My dad's side of the family acknowledges racism and police brutality. They're anti-death penalty. 

So with "politics" and social issues at least there's been some middle ground. And I can appreciate and be thankful for that. 

Interesting Day -Ups & Downs

I woke up not so happy about the prospect of going to different hotels and asking them to partner with our adventure park. I had to get up early to meet the other girl I work with in the marketing department to get the marketing collateral to hand out to front desk concierges. I don't work at the adventure park on Wednesdays so I would also only be able to do it for a little while, then hop back into the land of doing graphic design/marketing for Jos and the women's group. 

Then I went to Starbucks and was told I wouldn't be going "door-to-door" at hotels and instead needed to hand out brochures or place them on cars at 2 nearby recreation parks so families could learn about the adventure park. 

It wasn't as fun, but it was nice to be outside walking in that area and I felt like God was there with me and it was happening for a reason. God took me for a walk today. 

Then I came home and opened a letter from the IRS. They said they needed more info on my healthcare coverage for 2018. I didn't have healthcare coverage. I worked 5 days, and for a little while 6 days, at the vertical farm making minimum wage struggling to pay rent. I borrowed money from relatives more than once to be able to pay bills and it sucked deeeeeply. 

The farm didn't exactly have health insurance. And I was kicked off of medicaid in 2017 because I "made too much". The average cost for health insurance is $300+ a month. I could NOT afford that. 

And the "Affordable Care Act" is like everything else to do with that administration and that group of individuals: It States the Opposite of What They Actually Do. They are NOT making America great. The title of that healthcare plan is an insult. It isn't affordable and it isn't a plan. 

So you're told by the government you owe us for not being able to afford health coverage as they knowingly decrease funding for the medicaid budget so you don't qualify for that either and rig things in favor of health insurance providers who can that charge whatever they want and not have to cover whatever conditions they don't want to. 

And you sit there like... What do I do? Then you look into healthcare options and they don't even allow you to apply for anything until the Open Enrollment Period starting in November.  

And it didn't want to make me kill myself/enact suicide last year or this year when the weight of it all was felt, but it does make you feel like you can't Afford to live. Like living isn't an option the way things are set up. And I think it ties back into my fear of Debt. 

I refused to go to the hospital until I was pretty much on my death bed 3 years ago and had to pay out of pocket afterwards because the thought of debt was like falling into a deep abyss. 

I've seen people work their way out of debt. I've seen more people be in debt, say "This is the way it is in this country", and just stay in debt for years. 

But I worry about paying grocery bills and being able to afford food. I can't buy anything if my bank account is negative. And I hate the concept of having to be in debt when I do everything I can to earn staying out of it. 

So now I'm mopey while simultaneously hoping this cycle ends and I spiritually overcome these issues so they stop happening.