Lesson for Today

I find it ironic and maybe appropriate that as I get older and wiser I write less. Of course, part of that might be because I had a lottttt more time to write when I was younger. Yah it's probably time. 

On any given day I have at least 5 genuinely inspired spiritual thoughts of worth. Usually when I'm driving. And I don't have a pen. Early in the morning right before work begins. 

I can't remember today's. Something about going at your own pace and not being distracted into conformity by what others are doing. 

I do remember one: We're meant to soak in more of life. 

This is the hardest transition: To let go of your attachment to the moment and what you want to control in it to trusting in the day and letting it unfold as you slowly enjoy it. To shift into that mentality and not lose it. 

I knew on the drive into work as I past by the grandeur of beautiful mountains surrounding me the second I walked into the office it'd be gone. My calm, my connectedness, my trusting in life... All gone. 

But at least I got to be creative for a while today. It's a graphic design/marketing position. 

But now I'm tired and sucked dry. Got nothing energy-wise left. Can't remember my great epiphanies from earlier. Want sleep. 

I feel like this is how Hell undermines everything. We grasp for Heaven, get tripped from under, mourn the fall down, and forget what we were even grasping for to begin with. The "trip" can be anything: Poverty, cruelty, gossip, banging your elbow on the desk, world issues of the day... anything. 


I keep seeing TV shows and movies about the 1920s, 1940s, and 1960s-70s lately. Without trying. And after watching the black and white scenes of  past ignorances and mistakes, I pop into Instagram and see this vast array of color and art and creative inventions and beautiful places, and marvelously constructed buildings, and vast landscapes. 

God wants us to know the truth of what Hell has been so we can stop being tripped up by it and focus on what good there is out there for us to come home to. 

This faze is healing the past by acknowledging its wounds and patterns -even as they play out now in the present- so we can move forward as if they never were or could ever be again. 

And to do that we have to do it ourselves in our own individual lives and it's a challenging process. 

It involves handing over every pain to God and saying, "Yes I am ready to let this go, move on to greater things, and no longer cling to darkness." 

Daily. 

Some days Hourly. 

Then it fades. It's kind of like magic actually. I'm still surprised by the distance and the fading. Things that wounded and upset me are muted. They don't hurt anymore. We slowly overcoming everything that way. 

Highs and Lows of the Week

If I've learned anything at this point it's that we really are stained glass windows. When the light comes in we're radiant and awe-inspiring and when it dims out we fade and get lost in it. 

As much as you can aspire to be Buddha or a Saint, they're distant ideals that have rarely ever occurred in reality. And in reality where they have occurred they've often been more imperfect than we give credit for. 

And so, when the storm comes around and everything starts to get dark and the thunder rolls on -we shrink. For me when in this time of the Great Tug-of-War between Heaven reclaiming it's place here and Hell trying not to let it, we're just getting yo-yo'd around. I'm looking forward to the day when days steady and are consistently good and light. Last week was a nightmare. And then it was amazing. 

I struggled more than usual. Plans I made fell through, I got sick, I was deeply tired on a physical and spiritual energy level. I thought, "How the hell is this happening? I thought all this crap was over and we had moved forward." Everything got delayed a week. Things that should have gone through lapsed and are just now being moved forward. 

It's like confidently crossing a bridge and then having one of the planks beneath your feet suddenly give way and out from under. And you think, "I thought I would be consistent regardless of the externals." And it kind of feels like a failure. But it's just a humbling reminder that we AREN'T in control. We can influence and align ourselves to God, but in the end we're a fish moved by the ocean rather than the other way around. 

Then came the high. I was bringing God's presence in to places, I felt strong and confident. When I drove past mountains I felt taller than them. 

I knew what was planned and what was unfolding spiritually and I went with it and it was all well suited. 

Then I crashed last night. 

I ate crappy food, watched too much negative TV shows (I gave up 15 minutes into Mad Men), got sick to my stomach and threw up. But I'm always grateful now when I'm laying on the ground wondering if it's the end even though I know it's not. I draw close to God and all the darkness is washed away from me. Temporary sickness is a spiritual gift when used in that way. I call it a "time out". 

I feel great now. Relaxed, calm, reflective. My intuition is heightened and I'm drawn more to positive things than the opposite. It's an interesting journey. 

Attach to Nothing Passing, Connect to the Eternal

Had a creepy, disturbing dream I won't go into that had a pretty clear message. Here on Earth and in general we're easily and often subconsciously misled into distraction, negativity, and vice. It's done and orchestrated on purpose so people don't fulfill greater things and realize their true power. When we connect to the eternal we are stronger than when we're lessened by transient, negative influences. 

Was driving home earlier today and missed my turn -which I knew meant I had just added about 30 minutes to an already 45 minute drive home. 

And as I was driving I thought, "Ok what does this mean? What is the spiritual reason this has occurred. What does God want me to know or to see on this extended journey back? I'm going to tune in and listen." 

For the first 20 minutes I was mostly frustrated that I had missed the turn and confused about which freeway to take next. Then that eventually faded and passed and I went back to not caring and feeling like it didn't matter because I could take my time. 

Then I past by a run-down railway line and a power plant and understood why I had been taken that way. 

I wish I could describe both the sense that came over me as I drove past the site. I was astonished and... I don't even know the word. It was an unwelcome view. Here's some pics that sort of depict what it looked like:

The sense I got was old, rusted, overwhelmingly BIG, systemic, gray, bland, domineering. 

What I understood from this was: "The old, controlling, toxic systems based in masculine ego are failing. They're dying. 

That's why the government is falling apart and it's becoming clearer there is no solution to it -it is itself a problem. Same with a lot of structures and institutions. 

There's a different way of life and a better path to follow that's out there. There is grace, and liberation, and clarity, and light, and abundance. This is not Heaven right now. You can't look at this mess and tell me this is all that could ever be achieved here. 

This is not Heaven: 

We are meant for more. 

And I thought, this is the way it always is. The end of winter isn't summer. It's dissipating snow storms and slow budding of some plants and slightly warming temperatures for months. Then spring. THEN summer. 

Dreams on Repeat

I've been having recurring dreams and new ones that deal directly with things going on right now. 

4/26 Thought: Connect to the divine, but attach yourself to nothing in this world. It is clay being molded and changed by God -and so are we. 

4/30, Dream 1: I had a dream similar to one I had several years ago with the same spiritual point being made in it. The one several years ago took place in India and was about reincarnation. I saw a soul comprised of 7 or 8 different animals -with an elephant at the top. It reminds me of a Native American Totem Pole where it looks like the outline of a person, but is comprised of animals. Basically it's showing we spiritually evolved from animals into the person we are now. 

The new dream involved me talking with Milla - very spiritual girl I work with at the vertical farm who's into zodiac astrology and understands a lot about certain concepts. We've had several in-depth conversations about our beliefs. 

In the dream Milla drew something similar to the totem pole and I was trying to explain what it meant, but she wasn't listening. But at the same time I knew she'd come to understand in her own time. Everyone who seeks truth is led to the same ones eventually. 

It's one of my favorite aspects of spiritually listening: You think you're alone in understanding things and what you've come to know only to find thousands who are already on the same page or know even more without consulting one another. 

Dream 2: After that dream, I dreamt I was in Europe wandering around busy, cobbled streets. I noticed that infants and toddlers were being randomly passed form person to person with no parents of theirs around and no one tracking them. I was dumbfounded. I was like, "What... what???" 

It was so strange to see children just being passed along. And I understood waking up what that one meant: Human trafficking of kids, particularly immigrants, which has been a devastating problem for a long time now. 

In the next part of the dream, I walked into a maze of a house with infinite rooms and stairways. I went down to the basement and walked into a room and there was a giant screen split into 6 or 7 sections (almost like it was cracked in the center and individual tv screens had become a part of the fragments). 

It showed the souls of kids being put in "dead bodies" and then animated/brought to life. I understood it was in some way referencing reincarnation and the notion that this was ongoing over and over. I then heard, "This is what Christ died for" being told to me. That He had come to end these cycles. To end the illusion of physicality and that divide from the physical to the spiritual. 

This dream then morphed into me being in an Egyptian tomb. A woman mummy came to life right in front of me with an archaeologist guy standing close by. In the dream, my first reaction was: "Is this person going to harm me, or is this a friendly mummy?" Then other mummies in tombs started waking up and moving. She seemed to know the archaeologist -as if they had met in a past life almost. I never got the sense that she wanted to harm us. I did see her kind of in her own "glory" as someone very feminine and strong. 

That morning a notion struck me. Sometimes you understand concepts, but then there are those times when a light-bulb goes off and you really grasp it. Like seeing fruit on a tree verses actually reaching out, grabbing it, and taking a bite to finally taste what it is. 

The notion was this: Wherever there is a divide between people, there will be blood. If we a re whole in God together as a people, than when we divide there will be killing as a result. Like a gaping wound from someone's side. 

I was thinking of it in the context of Christian and Muslim relations since the mosque shooting in Australia and the shooting in Sri Lanka were only a month apart -but the concept goes beyond that. 

Divide between people leads to death among people. We need to come together, it's what we've been called to do throughout our entire history. 

5/06 Recurring Dream, Round 2: I was standing on a huge balcony overlooking a great view. There were dozens of chairs around 2 large tables -almost like you would see poolside at a hotel. Then it shifted and I understood it was a house that belonged to one woman. She was maybe in her mid-30s and invited me and her maid or assistant (another woman who was there) to dine with her. 

I sat down and saw that there were dozens of gourmet donuts made by the maid/assistant woman. We bonded and talked about cooking competitions on tv, what it's like being vegetarian, and the difference between cooking and baking. 

We then hopped in the maid/assistants car to go to some sort of exclusive concert or event nearby. But when I got out of the car I was transported to a junk yard of cellphones and a man who said he could repair mine. I handed him my phone and went into some sort of waiting area nearby until my phone was repaired. (The symbolism of this is the connection/communication between me and Heaven was down. I think this is a dream of something that will happen in the future). 

I then walked into the waiting room. There were HUGE glass windows facing outside all along the building. There were 12 or 13 year old boys in athletic/track shirts and shorts with their families and teacher behind them sort of pushing them/rooting them on. There was a fog before them like something covering a great waterfall. I couldn't see where they were jumping down to, but knew it was something like death. Something self-destructive that no one would want any part of if they could see it. And heir families kept encouraging them to jump. 

I'm still no sure what that symbolizes. I told Heaven to treat me like an idiot and make things as plane and simple for me to understand as possible. My guess is it represents young boys being pressured into egotism (through things like sports) which diminishes the soul within them -which then inevitably leads to them "being lost" in some sort of destructive behavior. Like Brock Turner. 

-All of this was almost exactly how the original dream went. Then things changed a bit:

In the waiting room I ran into my sister. We were like, "Hey! What are you doing here?" We both somehow recognized we were there spiritually or by fate. It joked and said she was my "constant" like Desmond from Lost. I then mentioned working on updating my art website and changing it around. 

We then turned and noticed a library and started browsing. She said, "What book on wisdom would you recommend?" I said a history book. But when I reached for a history book it changed into a Natural History book. I said, "And learning from nature..." 

We then walked beyond the library and saw Johnny Depp sitting on the other side of a glass window in the same building. She was leary of being around him, but I told her I didn't care at this point. His appearance looked a lot different and I didn't sense the same negativity/darkness I had before. 

We then walked into another room and saw someone's drawings/etchings of animals and nature. They were really cool depictions of animals I had never seen. We then talked with the artist for a little while. 

5/07 Recurring Dream, Round 2: This is a dream I've had before, but the outcome changed. I was playing a card game with angel cards with 2 people I knew. At one point, the two people I was playing with got up and drew swords against each other. They were going to kill the other to win the game. I thought, "I'll just sit back and fight whoever lives..." Then a voice from over my head sent me the thought/understanding that it wasn't needed and this was an old, egotistical line of thought around competition. 

I was then invited to a Rose Room (a beautiful bungalow with roses along the walls and ceilings, a red velvet couch, and golden furnishings. I wanted to gift a candle to go with the room. The candle I had was a rose and had the flame coming out of the top of it. 

I went into the room and found books with wisdom and quotes and there on the couch beside me was a small leopard. 

In the original dream, the "rose room" was the same, but the candle I offered was faded white, blown out, wax dripping, and old. 

Anyway, it's important to track dreams -sometimes they become your reality. 

Ethical Conflict: Confronting Corruption *Updated 5-5-19

I was thinking about 2 days ago on the drive home. "There's soooo many issues and fires that need to be put out in this country alone. And each person is standing around with a bucket of water. When one of us tries to throw our water the the flames not much changes. As a group, we always make more of an impact. But how do you call out abuses and direct enough people's attention to even look at an issue to begin putting the fire out?" 

It's frustrating seeing people fixate and obsess over what Angelic Houston did last week verses things like Human Trafficking. Not to say Barbara Streisand and Houston defending/making excuses for  child rapists is ok, but it's also nothing in comparison to the 2 men in separate child rape cases that were found guilty and got 0 jail time -all in the past week. You can obsess over a tree or you can look at the huge, surmounting forest. 

Enter my dilemma: 

I blogged about a conversation I had with a woman who had been a guidance counselor in Denver Public Schools for over 20 years who told me of the horrific things going on while Michael Bennet was a superintendent overlooking the school system. Allegations include: 

#1 Gag orders were often placed on teachers and staff when instances of rape were reported. She told me two instances: A janitor raped a teenage girl and was quietly sent off to another state. A student raped a teacher and a gag order was placed on all the staff including her so she couldn't bring it to light. The student was then transferred to a different school. To what extent Bennet knew or instituted this practice I'm not sure. They way it was told to me insinuated that instances of sexual assault were swept under the rug to help maintain his image as a great superintendent with no reports of those sort of crimes. 

#2 Michael Bennet stood to financially gain from charter schools. He systematically imposed policies that degraded the public school system in order to garner favor over to acclaimed charter schools. He: 

-Got rid of tenure so teachers could be fired regardless of how long they'd served in that position and created a pattern of teachers being fired after 2 to 3 years -leading to inexperienced teachers being the majority in schools. 

-He tried to get rid of school counselors. He flat-out told them they were useless and sought to end their positions. Counselors are essential to schools because they guide students towards figuring out a path to college, which courses to take, and often intercede when instances of domestic violence and abuse arise in the children's homes. 

-Nepotism. There were many faculty that he hired that were buddies of his and were not qualified for those positions. On top of that there was an instance where a principal took $25,000 worth of gym equipment and instead of giving it to the athletic department he gave to to his friend who was opening a gym. When this news came to light the principal was fired -only to be rehired 2 years later. He then did the same thing Again... 

-Racism. This actually goes beyond Bennet and is a bigger issue within the Denver Public School system and many other schools across the country in general. Finances are often diverted from predominantly black, impoverished schools to more affluent, white neighborhoods. 

As an aside, I was also told, Bennet's dad was a judge and knew a lot of rich, influential people and that's how he got his position as superintendent. He had no previous experience to justify being put in a position like that. Basically he was born with a "silver spoon in his mouth". 

So what do you do? 

Last time I blogged about all this and a couple months later Bennet ran for Colorado State Senator. I wrote someone into the ballot knowing it wouldn't matter. He won. 

Today he just announced his candidacy for president. I feel like at this point we need to insist on and actively seek out transparency and accountability from political leaders and those seeking positions. 

And I know he won't win and doesn't stand a chance, but I want to lay all this out for Propublica who I follow on Twitter. If nothing else these allegations should be investigated. Thanks to the internet and journalist groups like Propublica we sort of stand a chance as individuals to get the word out a little more. 

At the same time I don't have much klout on Twitter these days. After years of avoiding it because it made me depressed I decided to delete my old account and create a new one. I'm focusing on adding artwork and positive, spiritual reflections to the land of Twitterites. 

I'll see how getting this information out goes. 

*Update: Contacted Propublica via email as a suggestion for lead to look into. 

Update 5-5-19: Haven't heard back. I get the sense that this isn't something they're going to look into. I think they think I'm a Republican spewing false rumors at a Democratic candidate or something. At least I tried and I put it out there though. It's something I've definitely struggled with in the past. And maybe at some point in the future this all will come to light some other way.