Sunday, July 31, 2011


Most people who try to get ahead in business step on the backs of others to raise themselves up. Real leaders uplift those around them.

The Beginner has the best mind because it's open and motivated to learn.

Most people who don't care about their health don't care because they have nothing to live for.

Be a Voice for your Beliefs.

Smaller groups of people work harder. Larger groups shrug responsibilities off on others.

Let Go of Falsehoods. Apply the Truth.

You're either on the way, or you're in the way.

Pay your dues so you can get paid your dues.

"Some people go to the woods to let go. I go to the woods to take in." -Mr. Dinh

"Wealth is not measured by the money that you have, but by then time that you own." -Mr. Dinh

"Money just gives you the option to be the person you really are." -Mr. Dinh

"You're expected to be broke and unhappy. Don'tbe just another number." -Mrs. On

Know what you have to do and Do It.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Never Again

I promise myself as of this day, I will  NEVER go to another Saturday training like the one I went to today unless I'm in the mood and I'm going to commit to being present there. I woke up at 5am on a Saturday -I Would NEVER Wake Up That Early on the Weekend Unless There Was a REALLY Good Reason. Saturday training usually is that good of a reason. But I will never go there again if I'm not going to be a sponge absorbing the positivity instead of a stone that sinks to the bottom of the pond.

Sleep killed me. I was jet-lagged the whole time I was there. Being energy depleted and not feeling very spunky sucks when you're around 100 people who are there to be upbeat and positive. You are treated like a social pariah when you don't go around socializing and talking it up.  I was also off Zoloft for the past 2 days (I'm trying to preserve my last pill and make it last before I see the doctor next Friday). I felt socially awkward and out of place. "Sucked" is putting it gently.

You have to socialize for 2 hours before the training even starts. Normally it's not an issue because everyone one I meet there is either a friend or then becomes a new friend. Normally I feel like I have newly-acquired super powers and I can fly around the room conversing with lots of people. Not today.

Then there was training, which was great. I learned about eating healthy and the things the speaker talked about were insightful and honestly good to know.

Then there was post-presentation nonsense. It take about another hour to wrap things up with your group. And saying goodbye to them is usually a good 15 minutes worth of that hour.

At this point I had been in Saturday trainin from 8am-2pm. I was hungry, tired, and late for meeting up with someone. I then added pissed to the list.

My sister was my ride so I had to wait for her. She started being sarcastic to me about how we "have to be polite and actually say goodbye to people". I was not in the mood to hear her mock me. I shot her a glance lik no other and said, "Don't even." Her eyes widend and she was like, "Ok ok never mind." She shut up fast.

I NEVER get that angry. But I was seriously ready to start scratching people's eyes out. No sh*t. I was not messing around.

The 45 minutes that followed weren't much better. I had violent visualizations of ramming people with my car, ripping up a bean bag chair, and wacking someone over the head with a Pepsi can. No one in particular. Just in general.

I NEVER get that angry. What the hellz??? So then I met up with this guy named Abdul. He's in Toastmasters and I'm his "mentor". I'm suppose to help him prep for speeches, but I've never mentored before so I figured I'd just show up and wing it/ feel my way through it.

 It was great. Abdul is cool. Focusing on his speech topics and organizing them on a page got my mind off the stressure that had built up earlier. I just forgot about being angry. Then on the way home I realized I had let it go and I was glad I had made the trip out to mentor instead of calling it off because I was tired and grumpy. Life has a way of balancing itself out.

Nostalgia Is...

Nostalgia is:


Scent of rain on pavement
Watching the sun rise
That feeling you get outside at night when you look up at the sky and feel its imensity
Waking up in warm sheets with a frozen nose because it's winter outside, but you feel safe and perfect in your bed
Being inside early in the morning staring outside at the dark because it's early and raining
Wandering in the woods
Clean feeling streets fresh from rain
Harvest Moon
Rain falling in autumn


Breathing in a warm flannel shirt
Scent of coffee beans
Eukaliptus flowers
Being pushed through a supermarket sitting in a grocery cart
Fabric softener
Pine Trees
Costco food samples
Staring fixadidly at the light shimmering off the water by the dock you're standing on
Warm nights
Visiting my grandma's house out in the country and getting to pet goats (They're like dogs with horns)
Sitting in the passengers seat in the sun while looking out the window and day dreaming
Breathing in country air
Swing Set

The 90s
Clarissa Explains It All
Hey Arnold
Ahhhh Real Monsters
The Macarena
Cassette Tapes
Chuckie Cheese 
Power Rangers
Doug- Quailman!!!
Lamb Chop
Italian Charm Bracelets
Are You Afraid of the Dark? (I was...)
The Rugrats (Not all grown up)
Slurpee from 711
Kid-Zone TV Dinners
Hercules and Xena
Fruit Roll-ups
Edible Ring
Lisa Frank
Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?
Dinosaurs "I'm the Baby, Gotta Love Me"
Sesame Street
The Magic School Bus
Spice Girls
Roller Skating
Sidewalk Chalk
Boy Meets World
The Olsen Twins
Reading Rainbow


Bella Luna
Rain Baby's
Pony Pals
Calvin and Hobbes
The Farside Gallery
The Box Car Children
My Teacher is an Alien
Ameilia Bedilia
I Spy
Where is Waldo?
Rainbow Fish


Free Willy
Dennice the Menace
Little Rascals
Pete's Dragon
Willy Wonka (Not the new one)


Elton John
Fleetwood Mac
John Michael Montgomery
Dwight Yoakum
Sheryl Crow
Reba Macintire
80s Rock
Phil Collins


Unicycle Racing
Mario Brothers
Duck Hunting
Crazy Taxi
Ecco the Dophin
Pokemon on Gameboy Color
Oregon Trail
GTA Vice City
Guess Who


Beannie Babies
Poly Pocket
Betty Spaghetti
Plastic Horses
Dinosaurs from Carnegie Collection
My Little Pony
Care Bears
Fanny Packs
Gumbi and Pokey
Russian Doll within a doll within a doll within a doll...

Friday, July 29, 2011

Theme: Some Days

Some days pass by and it seems like nothing happens. You feel guilty over the waste. Those days might as well have not even happened. Then there are those days that feel like years have passed. It's just the same 24 hours as every day, but you feel stretched and tired and spent- like you've accomplished a lifetime. That was today. You never regret those days. When you look back and think, What would I have changed about today? Your answer is Nothing. It was perfect just the way it was. Not because it was fun and magical or anything - but because it amounted to something. It felt fulfilling.

(Click This Photo)

Does the News Have a Religion?

It's strange how the news regards itself as being unbiased and totally objective (which I kind of think is actually a flaw in some ways), and yet they go out of their way to defend and condemn religions.

Case in point: Anders Behring Breivik who calls himself a Christian conservative standing against any kind of multicultural society (via

First off, how can you be against a Multicultural Society??? Monocultural Society doesn't exist and couldn't possibly exist. I wouldn't even say the extreme society of 1984 was monocultural.
That just makes this guy a dumbass. That's like saying your against any sky that is determined to be the color blue.

But the issue most televised news stations seem to be having with this guy is that he claims to be affiliated with the Christian religion. They consider it an insult and an impossibility - like a zebra saying it's spotted. And it does make you wonder: If you claim to be a part of a religion, but then act against some of the core principles that religion is founded in, are you really a person of that faith?

Here's what I think:

If you are in a religion that states "It is immoral to eat a banana. Doing so will damn your soul for all eternity. No ifs-ands-ors-or-buts about it", and you then eat a banana -You Can Claim to be adhering to that religion all you want, but You Are Acting Against the principles of that religion and therefore the religion itself.

If you could act against Christianity by doing things against it's core principles and still be considered a Christian, what would be the point of having a claim in that religion in the first place be? Why claim to be Jewish if you are going to worship Satan?

Th same goes for Islam. There are over a million Muslims in the world. If all Muslims truly believed that God/Allah/Yaweh would have no problem with them murdering, assassinating, or commiting genocide, what would stop them from doing it themselves or not being horrified when others did? If all Muslims were terrorists none of us would be here. We would all be dead. If all Christians were Nazis or members of the KKK, none of us would be here.

Monsters are monsters. They are not Christians. they are not Jews. They are not Muslims. They are not Latinos. They are not Chinese. They are not Women. They are not Men. Monsters are Monsters.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

And Then My Heart Went Plump...

It's interesting because Miss Tai talked to us about this last night at our meeting. One day you'll be up, and then the next you'll be down. You just have to brush off your knees and get use to practicing the art of picking yourself up.

I was up this morning. At 6:30 AM actually. I wanted to stay up til 3 am working on this new idea I had to gain points from Usana to fund my income, but I do better in the mornings. I printed out some artwork via photocopy at Office Max and some brochures. Very productive. Then I went to help out at my dad's work.

 My dad helped reality set in for me a little bit there. After next month my funds will be depleted and I will officially be at the mercy of the universe at that point. I have some art shows coming up, relatives visiting, lots of things planned for August... And at the end of it I'll either be broke or see my way through to another month.

I'll sell off my jewelry first if things get bad. That stuff means nothing to me. But I'm determined to make this job work. You have to pay your dues before you get paid your dues. I just wish I had more time. I'm a slow start, but I become a fish in water eventually.

But the negativity of the situation squashed things. I immediately wanted to call it a day. I went home and worked on that vision of an idea that sprang into my mind last night. I pray this vision carries me through -and it's a good one. But after producing what needed to be made, I sank back into the sulk of things and started drawing and watching a movie.

I had some deep conversations with a friend though. Really deep. Like,

What's your greatest fear (physical and emotional)  -serial killers, ghosts, being manipulated, and being accused of something I didn't do.

What do you do when you feel depressed? -Watch TV, draw, go outside. Nature helps. Fresh air. Like breathing in Openess itself.

Why are you single? -I didn't say it but: I'm haven't exactly existed socially for a while. For the past 4 years I was in college I only made 5 or 6 friends, and no one I spent lots of time with or talked to regularly. I've only been "on the scene" since last September when I started taking Zoloft and joined ToastMasters. Social Anxiety Disorder is a bitch. But I didn't say this. I just said, "I haven't found the right person and I don't want to date someone just for the sake of dating. I want to wait to find the right person." It's all truth. But sometimes it's easier admitting lighter truths to mask deeper ones you aren't ready to share.

What's your type of guy? -An annoying question. There are these stupid ABC123 questions that people ask occasionally that seem so prescribed and static. "I don't have a type. I don't like people who are conceited or judgemental. But people aren't really "types". People are just people."

What issues do you struggle with as a person? -At this point things started to feel like a therapy session -mostly because I've only been this open with a therapist (and even that was a struggle). No one's ever opened up to me before and the people I confided in early in my life either held things against me or betrayed me. "I don't always stand up for myself. I have issues not putting thoughts into actions." I tend to hold a lot back. Even when I wrote this I was holding deeper stuff back. I fear if I let it all out it will be too much and it will be too deep and whoever I'm talking to will either try to awkwardly joke it off and change subject or have nothing to say back. Who knew texting could be this challenging?

Does talking like this make you nervous? -Yah. "I'm just not use to talking with people like this?"

Why not? -"Nobody I know talks about this stuff."

Is this a bad thing? -"Not a bad thing, just not something I'm use to."

I was asked if it would be better if we stopped talking or changed subject. It hurts. It hurts being that open and it hurts being that afraid and it hurts that the door might be shutting. I don't want to talk about ANY of this stuff in person. I suck in person. I'm good with written word, not spoken. I know conversations like these are Good for me and they'll help me open up and grow, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't uncomfortable and I felt vulnerable talking that way. 

I changed the subject and mentioned I was watching a movie. I didn't mean for the conversation to end, but the person I was talking to didn't want to interrupt what I was watching. The movie was actually helping me be open. Leonardo Dicaprio was having some personal challenges of his own in Inception and it seemed to be helping me through mine.

Now I'm all mopey again. People have confided in me before on occasion. My step-sister would tell me things very openly without second thought, and she trusted me to keep those things between us. I would never betray the trust of a friend. And short of murder, a friend could tell me anything and I wouldn't hold it against them. But I've never had someone like that for me. I feel sad. Was I suppose to have someone like that? I've had close friends, but I never talked about my inner thoughts or feelings with them. I was afraid they wouldn't understand or they would think I was weird.

Anyways, it's been a strange day. A lot accomplished, and yet a lot of emotional back peddling.

More Details...

Apparently I wasn't specific enough about my list of desired future objects. My Usana team mate told me you have to know everything about what you are going to buy as i you were going to go out and buy it today. Then when you visualize something that concretely you will go more out of your way to obtain it. I guess she doesn't know my shopping habits.

2 days ago I decided my printer needed more ink. I wasn't sure whether it just needed color ink or black ink, but they usually come together in a pack so I decided to ust go with that. Then I got to Target. $22 for colored ink alone. I don't want to discuss how much it would have cost for both black and colored ink to be in the same box.

So that's how I shop. I show up at the intended place of purchase and if the price is too much I either save up to buy it later when I can afford it, or I abandon the thought of getting it all together.

PS3- $300-$400 ouch

Echo the Dolphin game for PS3- Alright first off it's ECCO the dolphin, and secondly's not showing Ecco for PS3, just PS2. There is no way in Hellz I'm payingthat much for a gaming system if they don't even have the game I want to play. Meanwhile a PS2 is only $100-$200.

VCR- VCR's only come in DVD/VCRs and they are around $90.

XBox-New Xboxs are $500. Used are less than $100.

GPS- $100-$200
Tatoo- Priceless?... $50-$100
Adobe CS5 Illustrator, Photoshop, InDesign-Well Photoshop is $700...eeeeeep...

I'm just going to conult my guy friends who have electronic knowledge and insights well beyond my years.

New-ish Car- $10,000-$16,000
Lasik Eye Surgery- $1,000-$2000
UpgradedApartment- $4000 a month