Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Movie Titles

Is it just me or are movie titles and movies in general getting more... slutty?... And judgmental towards marriages?

"Sex After Kids"
"Walk of Shame"
"The Other Woman"

"Sex Tape"
"Mom's Night Out"
"The Bachelor Weekend" 
"About Cherry"
"The Five Year Engagement" 

*Updated Titles:


Fitness Plan

For a couple years now I've been slacking on the whole "taking care of my health" thing. I was eating healthy and taking nutritional supplements a couple years ago but then I stopped. 

I've decided that since I've been through several phases in my life: Discovering Self, Self Improvement, Connecting to God, Serving Others... I think it's good that starting in the summer I enter a new positive phase of my life called "Being Physically Present". I feel like God is gently nudging me to this through the people that I meet. 

Beate = Nutritionalist I met from our women's group that helps people develop a sustainable workout routine

Heather = My friend from Toastmasters that teaches yoga

Lynetta = Massage therapist I met through women's group and have already seen once 

Alex = Plans on taking me to the gym regularly and is smart when it comes to knowing how I should be eating before and after workouts -very savvy with building muscle 

I think between my friends I can work out regularly and create my own "course" so I can learn what I need to do to stay fit and strong. I also like that all 4 people are also spiritual to some extent and often incorporate spirituality into their practices. 

Last night I went to Heather's yoga class. There were a couple times I thought: "This is too hard/painful and I'm shaking and this isn't going to work I just want to leave." But each pose would then end and we'd transition into something else. I love the child's pose -I needed it and clung to it more and more as the yoga session went on. 

I found that the yoga class was easy enough for me to handle and hard enough to stretch me and challenge me. I don't like that other people are around. I like that 95% of those other people are women -but they're really fit women who don't wobble when they pose. They seem very Abercrombie as well, so a little intimidating and not as "friendly" or welcoming. Everyone kind of seems like they're there for themselves in their own space and don't really want anything to do with the person next to them. Kind of a "don't distract me" energy. Like if you were taking a test at the DMV. 

I also didn't realize you need a yoga mat. I am aware now. You also need these weird block things that technically this yoga studio provides, but it'd probably be good for you to get some on your own. The yoga clothes they have are expensive -as is expected. Luckily there's this place called Sports Basement that I know has that stuff for a lot less price wise (they're like the Ross of Sportswear). 

It's all new and uncomfortable and awkward and embarrassing and slightly painful... but it's also good.

Friday, April 25, 2014

DBV 4-25-14

"Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away." – Mark 4:16-17 (NIV)

My Thoughts: I have seen that. It's weird how people can be so die-hard and committed and talkative and sharing about certain things one minute and the next it's like they forget it and move on and never mention it again. I think it has to do with grasping a brief glimpse of truth and meaning but then not letting it really sink in and become a part of your life. You preach about God and talk about him a lot, but you don't bring Him into your life and He still seems like a concept to you. 

I have a few friends that a re like that. It kind of frustrates me sometimes because they'll use Christianity kind of like a hallmark moment for themselves -often to judge others -but they aren't really spiritual and don't try to extend grace to others.

Ghost Update

My experience with the ghost has taught me that when I actually treat it like a person and communicate with it in a strait forward, low-key, honest way it listens. I stood outside the doorway of my bedroom the other night before going to sleep and told the ghost, "You have the whole apartment to run around in. Please stay out of my room at night. The way you've been communicating hasn't been working. Let me sleep at night and stay out of my room. I hope you find peace. I hope you have a good night." 

I then got into bed. 15 minutes later I felt the presence of the ghost come near. It felt like it was laying over me, but instead of it being a heavy/ oppressive weight it felt calm, comforting, and warm. I didn't want to move -not out of fear, but because I felt like I was being embraced or cuddled with. It was the first time it had ever really occurred to me that maybe this spirit IS nice and just wants to reach me.

It then left after that at didn't come back into my room for the rest of the night. I slept straight until 5:30pm!!! I was so amazed. These past couple nights have been kind of similar. Talking to it directly and being very clear and respectful to it seems to be the best way to handle the situation -that and doing my spiritual exercises and inviting God's presence into the space.

I also notice that when I specifically focus on emulating light and peace, I feel better. Whenever I feel the ghost's presence concentrating on emitting peaceful spiritual energy towards it makes me feel more at ease and less frightened.

Non-Profit Frustration

Last year our women's group raised $1200 for 3 causes almost without trying. I honestly don't quite remember how we did it other than asking for donations at each event meeting. 

This year we are not doing so well. The women's group leader decided we needed to shoot for a bigger goal: $2100 to be split between 2 non-profits.

I created a donation box and through direct peer pressure at one event by the women's group leader we now have $75.

The group leader then  as a general rule decided not to include speaking about the Causes at general events (which we have 2 times a month). So I'm basically out in the boondox of the Favorite Cause Division with no one else (except a woman who decided to rejoin with me earlier this month). My primary focus is Marketing and Implementing things behind the scenes, though I love supporting causes. 

Out of desperation and a suggestion that we create a peaceful warrior temporary tattoo I created a design and order some custom tattoos with the logo. They just came in and look awesome! I'm also ordering wristbands with the women's group logo and name on them. 

I'm selling the Tattoos for $3 each and the Wristbands for $5 each to raise funds. Much nicer now. 

Cost = $1 per tattoo. $2 profit per tattoo. 28 tattoos = $56 profit. :) 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Found This Amazing Story

Once upon a time, in an island there lived six feelings and emotions: Happiness, Knowledge, Love, Sadness, Richness and Vanity. 

One day they discovered that the island began sinking! So all of them built boats and canoes and left, one by one. 

Except for Love. Love wanted to delay abandoning her beloved island as long as possible.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a boat. Love asked, "Richness, can you take me with you?"

Richness answered, "Sorry, Love, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat, so there is no place here for you. With both of us in here we will sink for sure."

Love next asked Vanity who was also sailing by, but Vanity offered the same answer.

"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by, so Love asked, "Sadness, take me along with you."

"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!", sadness said in a gloomy voice.

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so preoccupied with her happiness that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you."

It was an elder with a tattered head scarf. An overjoyed Love jumped into the boat. When they arrived at a dry land, the elder went her own way.

Love looked around and saw the Knowledge who was the first to have landed there a while ago.

"Who Helped me?" Love asked.

"It was Time," Knowledge answered.

"Time? Why time?" Love was surprised.

"Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is." The Knowledge smiled.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Stupid Psychiatrist

I hate my psychiatrist. I actually didn't consider myself as having one for about a year or 2 now. The last time I saw my psychiatrist in person was about 2 or 3 years ago. The last time I talked to him over the phone was a year or two ago. The reason I ever talked with him over the phone was because he didn't renew my prescription and I had to go 5 miserable days off Zoloft suffering from withdrawals.

When I met him in person he went down a laundry list of possible mental disorders and checked off each one that applied. Then when he hit social anxiety disorder -the reason I was in there -it was pretty cut and paste. The entire conversation lasted maybe 30 minutes and then he prescribed me Zoloft and told me how much to take and how often. I check in with him maybe 2 times after that up the dosage and then never saw him in person after. 

What kind of psychiatry is that? A person walks in the room and in less than 30 seconds you diagnose them AND prescribe them medication? Then you never call or follow up with them as time and years go by, you just wait for them to call you because you forgot (again for the 7th time) to renew their prescription. 

I just got a check in the mail for $150 from him. It's for "Ongoing Pharmacology Management". Had he actually called or talked to me I the last year he'd know I stopped taking Zoloft because I knew I didn't need it anymore and have been doing fine without it since. It's frustrating.

The Talk

Last night our at-risk youth mentoring program decided to have a gender circle and sex-ed talk with the mentee teens. I like to consider myself sort of knowledgeable on the topic even though I'm a virgin. Definitely found out some new things I hadn't been aware of. 

For starters they changed it from "Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)" to "Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)" -which I thought was stupid. Yes it covers more ground because infections aren't diseases so you can include more negative viruses and things transmitted, but it sounds less severe when you say "infections" which then undermine the diseases that are also included. To include infections you change the category to be called infections but then diseases like HIV/AIDs get downplayed when lumped in that group. Maybe that's why the program leaders actually had a separate category called HIV/AIDs so that the diseases got mentioned head on. 

Also found out there's a female condom? Apparently it can be in the woman longer than a condom on a man and has some other benefits to it. Personally I think God doesn't want me to have sex anytime soon. First off -I've only had 1 boyfriend and he was a virgin too and purposely went out of his way not to do anything with me for the brief 3 months we were together. Secondly, I see mentions of rape at least 3 times a week. Between following some of the non-profits I do, recent news updates from the world, and posts on Facebook by people I know sharing horrific stories of people who made peace somehow with what happened or bad guys currently on the loose... It comes up a lot. Thirdly on the off times when it doesn't come up I then have in-person mentoring program sessions like this one that talk about diseases transmitted and girls raped as children. 

After we played a game of Sex Jeopardy (which my team won), the girls were taken into one room and the guys were taken into another so gender discussions could happen. It actually started off pretty funny. The group was asked a question and each individual person had to answer. 

1. What is your favorite part of being a woman?
-We're smarter and more emotionally stronger than men
-I can do masculine and feminine things and not be judged/ or mocked as harshly as a man would
-I get to look pretty
-Better clothes
-Women are more caring and compassionate 
-Multiple orgasms 
-We get to be mothers 
-Not having to pee everywhere by holding a penis like a hose 
-Internal genitals so no one knows when I'm turned on and I can't be kicked in the balls

2. What is your least favorite part of being a woman?
-Having a period (listed numerous times by multiple people)
-Having to shave and wax
-Having to be beautiful all the time or think about it more than guys do 
-Guys can take advantage of you and hurt you in that way 
-Not as physically strong 
-Not treated as equally for doing the same work as men 

3. How many of you have ever had a pregnancy scare or an abortion? 
-7 hands raised in a group of 30 teen girls 

More questions were asked as time went on. My mentee girl only stayed for the first 20 minutes. She actually whispered to me, "What should I say?" when the question of what her favorite part of being a woman was raised. I said, "Well what's your favorite part about being a girl." She kind of shrugged like she didn't care either way. I said, "I see you take selfies all the time -obviously your beauty means something to you. You couldn't do that if you were a guy." So when it came her turn to answer she jokingly told the group, "I can take Selfie's!"

The program leaders invited in 2 women to speak in the group. 

The first girl had was 21 with 3 kids. She said when she was young she had looked older and lied about her age and partied and slept around. She had her first son at age 13. The her daughter at age 16 with the same man. And her latest son when she was 19. She was still with the same guy from 7 years ago, but he constantly flirts with other girls, gets drunk, and stays out all night. She said, "I knew he was an alcoholic but I thought he would change when his daughter was born -and he did for a little while, but then just went back to his old ways." 

The second girl was 18. She had gotten pregnant at 16 and married her boyfriend. They live in a small studio apartment now. 

Both women don't go out anymore because no one else is around to watch their children. Neither is work and both are financially dependent upon their boyfriend/husbands. Their plan for living independently should they leave their men or their men leave them is relying on Welfare and finding a job. 

I think it was kind of a big wake-up call to a lot of the girls in the group who either weren't thinking about the risk of pregnancy or were actually expecting/looking forward to being teen moms soon.

When asked, "What was your mom doing at your age?" most of the teen girls said, "Drinking, partying, working, and raising me."

Monday, April 14, 2014

Weekend Meditation

I went to my mom's house out in the country this past weekend to meet her psychic friend Agatha so I could try to figure out what the entity is and how to get rid of it. Mom told me that for Friday night I was to spend the night in her bedroom with her and my step-dad Dean would spend the night in the spare bedroom. If anything happened during the night I was to text Dean to come in so he could make it go away. 

Starting to go to sleep I did sense the entity in the room, by my bed. It did touch me like it had before -little pokes on my arms and legs. Then mom came in. We were asleep until about 1am. Then I awoke to my mom kind of shouting, "NO! No! No!!!... and waving her arms like she was trying to keep something away from her. I thought she was either dreaming or something was on her. I shook her arm to wake her up and she looked at me and said, "I am awake! The ghost is here!" She calmed down after that but was breathing pretty heavily. I text Dean and he came into the room. 

Mom said she was sleeping when she felt an energy -not a presence - making itself known. She actually grabbed my hand and pressed it near hers and said, "Can you feel the energy -it's still here." I realized the ghost must have sent its energy towards her like it does me sometimes and her soul must have kicked in. I started to explain to her the difference between feeling the presence/energy of a ghost and feeling your own spiritual energy.

It was great for me to see how much I'd learned and how much I had to share and finally having someone else experience something so I could have my own experiences validated a little. 

The next day we met Agatha -and my mom also brought her friend Natalie. Agatha lives on a horse farm with at least 10 cats and one black lab dog. I immediately started bonding with the animals -I can't help it. I love animals and find they're easier to connect to than people a lot of the time. Agatha was born in Hawaii and lived there for a long time before moving to California. She carries herself in that way and has a demeanor that shifts between being funny/cooky and serious/strait forward.

I was a little skeptical about everything, but still pretty open. We sat down to do a meditation in her barn. Natalie was having personal issues. Like most people in small country towns her life seems to revolve around Family, Gossip, and Drama. She looked very tired and emotionally drained when we started off. Agatha spent half the time trying to work with mom and Natalie -telling them about chakaras and working with them on guided meditation. 

Then with me she said she wasn't initially picking up on the entity so she was going to do a deeper, group mediation to get clearer on that. She said I was pretty spiritual but needed to empower myself more and be more assertive/in-control with it. During the deeper mediation she started asking, "Who are you? What is your name?" And I started hearing the cracks on the walls of the barn like I experience in my apartment. I knew the entity had finally come and she was connecting with it. After the mediation ended she asked me if I knew a little boy who had a baseball bat. I said no, and was kind of confused by that. 

Then she said, during the mediation a being had come down from above. It was white-transparent mist in a bubble and she had asked it its name before letting it come closer. 

She said, "Do you have an uncle that past away?" 
I said, "Well there's my Uncle Bill who died of cancer 10 years ago."
She asked, "Did he have a cane? Was he kind of a prankster?" 
I said, "I think he had a cane and he was kind of a goofball."
She asked me what my relationship with him was like. 
I said, "We kind fo had a silent bond where we didn't really talk much ubt we understood each other." 
She said, "I get the impression that he misses you and the connection he had with you and wants to connect with you now. I also get the sense that he's kind of joking or mischievous and wants to prank you a little. He wants your forgiveness or wants to tell you something and gets frustrated and confused when he isn't coming across clearly to you or you ignore him. That's why he's scratched before." 

It all kind of made sense. Then she said when she had asked his name he had said his name was "William Roy". His name was William but everyone called him Bill. I'm not sure where the "Roy" comes in -maybe a last name or middle name. 

It was easier knowing it was a nice ghost/ relative, but at the same time harder to know how to handle it. And there's still some doubt in my mind that its him. There were nights when I was down-right terrified and its hard for me to imagine my uncle scaring me in that way with his presence.

We ultimately decided that the way Dean handles the ghost is best. He comes into the room, very in-control and in-command but is still kind of playful/kind to the entity when talks while still being assertive. He says, "Ok parties over, time to head on out. Leave this room and let them go back to sleep."

Last night I tried that. It's hard for me to be playful/non-defensive with the entity. I kept trying to imagine it as a kind or my sister -someone I could talk to with some level of both familiarity and authority. When I told it to leave the room I said, "Ok it's sleep time. I'll talk to you in the day time. You will leave my room and let me sleep now." I also said, "If this is Uncle Bill I just wanted you to know that I still care about you and appreciate the connection that we had. I want you to be at peace and we'll have time to hangout again someday."

Thursday, April 10, 2014

DBV 4-10-14

Every time I go to church I realize how much of the Bible I still have left to read...

"You praised the gods of silver and gold, of bronze, iron, wood and stone, which cannot see or hear or understand. But you did not honor the God who holds in His hand your life and all your ways." – Daniel 5:23b (NIV)

Thoughts: I can't tell whether he's saying that this person is worshiping gold/wealth/money or he's saying this person is literally worshiping gods of natural materials. It was written a long time ago so it's hard to say at a glance. Either way -worshiping gods or wealth will never be as good as God who gives everything because He created everything and is everything. 

No Disturbances

Around 9pm the entity started making its presence felt. Lately it's been more physical than metaphysical. So at some point I told it, point blank: "Leave me alone. Leave my room. Get out of here. Leave in the name of Jesus Christ." Just 4 short phrases told in a serious, angry tone. 

And it left. 

For about 30 minutes. 

Then it came back so I got up, did my spiritual exercise -aka raising hands in the air and connecting to God (which I'm getting really good at) -and blessed the room with Holy Water. 

No disturbances AT ALL throughout the entire night. It did not come back in my room. I woke up at 4:30am and thought, "How did this happen? I actually slept and had dreams and got like 6 hours of sleep. YAY!!!"

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Nice Houses

I was passing by some nice homes on my way to lunch. We all know where those neighborhoods are. You turn down one street and suddenly your in Mansionville. You're immediate reaction is: Don't even bother trying to imagine living in one of those... 

Then you turn down another street and it's Average Suburbialand. And what was interesting was the thought that came to my mind when I passed by those smaller, quaint houses: "I don't think I'll ever own one of these."

I thought about it decided 90% of 20 year olds in this generation will not own/rent homes. 70% of 30 year olds will not live in their own homes. 50% of our generation will not live in houses when they are in their 40s. Basically we'll all be living in apartments forever. 

I tried imagining what it would be like owning my own house -having larger rooms to fill my stuff with and a front lawn to mow. It was hard t fathom. And then I tried to imagine what would become of all the current houses that are around. 

People are tanking financially. The only way people owned houses in the 90s was via Credit Cards and Loans -which is why are current financial health is so bad in this country. Without loans and credit cards -aka borrowed money you don't own - there's no way to live in a house like that. All of those houses will then be empty or rented out to retiring elderly people. 

At some point an overcrowding of apartments and an under-crowding of homes will occur.  Seems like such a stupid waste. Humans build homes. Humans can't live in those homes because humans can't afford homes. Instead humans cram into small apartments. Stupid humans... 

Then I thought, "If I asked God and prayed to God to have a home one day I wonder if He would help guide me to one..." Then I thought, "That's stupid. You're asking the Creator of the Universe to score you a home." I just think God is more concerned with spiritual things -not more transient things like being in a home. I definitely came to the conclusion: God won't get you a mansion if you ask for it. But something small and manageable might be possible. God definitely tries to make His kids happy, like any parent would, but He doesn't hand things over freely -He makes you understand the value of life by leading you to work for whatever it is you want in life. 

It's funny. I went to lunch at Panda Express and my fortune cookie read, "If your desires are not extravagant, they will be granted." 


And someone in Toastmasters gave a speech about fate earlier today, basically saying that "coincidences" are Gods way of remaining anonymous.   

Another strange coincidence...

Monday, April 7, 2014

Post Church

Went to a new church yesterday. My friend Doug and his wife invited me to go because they said, "There are supposed to be a lot of people your age there and we think you'd like that church." They're both in there 50s. I had this weird paranoid suspicion that they were secretly trying to get me to go there so that I would find a boyfriend. Everyone seems to want me to have one and keeps telling me I need one so my instincts kind of suspect that's why they wanted me to go, although it may not have had anything to do with that at all.

So I went, like a dope, 20 minutes early. I figured while I was there, waiting like an idiot for them to show up, I'd scope the scene and see if there were any nice guys there. When in Rome... 

There were MANY people my ages. 90% of the congregation are in their 20s. Young girls and young guys -mostly "preppy" people. In other words the guys have on flip flops and speak with sort of a lisp-like California accent and look like they shop at the Gap which always brings me to my initial reaction-question, "Is he gay?" I can't help it. The question pops up.

And all the girls were better looking than me in summer dresses and floral print shirts. So I kind of got the notion: The guys are here for the girls and the girls are here for the guys. Got it. 

It also occurred to me: The way a congregation/group accumulates is from similar people inviting similar people to join. Which is why so many are young. Only 6 people in the whole church were over the age of 40. And I was hanging out with 4 of them: Doug, his wife, and the husband and wife who invited them to come. I'm always hanging out with an older crowd -because I'm an older soul like that.

I like the church service. The whole time though I was comparing it to past church services I had been to and given that this church had only been around for about 3 years there were a lot of suggestions that kept accumulating in my mind: 

1. Have a hand-out pamphlet that the group can follow along to. It would be ideal for the pamphlet to also have contact information and upcoming events on it. When the sermon was being given I didn't know where in the Bible we were -he kept flipping through and summarizing text. I also didn't catch half of the news/announcement details they gave at the end.

2. Add graphics to your PowerPoint sing-along slides that play above the band. Graphic background designs help get people's attention and keep it.

They church did have good follow-up afterwards and was very friendly and welcoming overall. 

Anyways, afterwards I hoped that going home the entity would not be around because the church-presence would have washed it away. 2 related scriptures actually popped out at me when I was flipping through the Bible trying to find the right page of "Acts" that we were supposed to be reading:

Acts 16:6-10
Paul’s Vision of the Man of Macedonia

Paul and his companions traveled throughout the region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching the word in the province of Asia.  
When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to.  
So they passed by Mysia and went down to Troas.  
During the night Paul had a vision of a man of Macedonia standing and begging him, “Come over to Macedonia and help us.”  
10 After Paul had seen the vision, we got ready at once to leave for Macedonia, concluding that God had called us to preach the gospel to them.

Here the Bible is acknowledging that VISIONS come from GOD. Visions seem to be "dreams" that indicate future instances that SHOULD or might occur. These are GOOD. 

Acts 16:16-18
Paul and Silas in Prison

16 Once when we were going to the place of prayer, we were met by a female slave who had a spirit by which she predicted the future. She earned a great deal of money for her owners by fortune-telling.  
17 She followed Paul and the rest of us, shouting, “These men are servants of the Most High God, who are telling you the way to be saved.”  

18 She kept this up for many days. Finally Paul became so annoyed that he turned around and said to the spirit, “In the name of Jesus Christ I command you to come out of her!” At that moment the spirit left her.

Me = Confusion. Ok so that time it wasn't GOD showing her visions -it was a spirit (note the fact that it did not say demon -it actually acknowledged it was a GHOST-like being). Despite the fact that the spirit was telling her something TRUE and what I would call GOOD, Paul got annoyed by it. It's good Paul got rid of the ghost -any spirit that isn't the Holy Spirit has no business being around a person. But at the same time, WHY?... 

I mostly decided to find it encouraging that all Paul ahd to do to get rid of it was command it to leave. It made me feel like, "I don't need this entity around me. It can ultimately bring me no good -certainly not the way God can. I don't need to see the future or talk to ghosts, I just need God." I honestly thought this thought might help me get rid of the freaking ghost-thing. 

The crap happened last night when I got home. It seemed to stay away a lot more than usual. But when it did make its presence felt -it was VERY solidified. I was resting trying to go to sleep at around 3am and I hear Crack! Snap! in the ceiling and sarcastically think, "Great it's awake..." Then I feel its presence. Then I feel it metaphysically. We went from sensing a vague sense of personhood to almost physically feeling someone sitting on the edge of my bed looming close to me. Then I felt a hand lightly grab my shoulder. My heart was pounding so fast. I said, "Stay calm. Stay calm. If shit goes down, I'll get up and tell Jesus to get rid of it." 

It's getting a lot "thicker" and far more easy to feel. It touches me. It touches my face. It touches my arm. I touches my legs. It feels like it lays over my body sometimes -like a heavy weight of thick air. Luckily this weekend I'm going to my mom's to see Agatha so she can help me get rid of it. she's Catholic and psychic. 

It's hard for me to find a balance between "psychic" and Christian/Catholic. According to the Bible consorting with spirits and communicating with them and ultimately letting them distract you is BAD. Not "sin" in the typical sense of the word -just really ill-advised. You're an idiot if you talk to ghosts. It's like smoking cigarettes -no good will ultimately come of it and you're putting yourself at risk. 

But on the other hand Paul himself SEES spirits IN people and calls them out and demands that they go. He sees visions and sees TRUTH -including spirits. He just chooses not to talk to them and makes sure they go away. That's what I want to do. I want to be like Paul. I want to acknowledge ghosts and things and then tell them to go the f*ck away. That is the extent to which I am willing to be psychic.

Community Meeting

So the at-risk youth program had a community meeting last Saturday. It was like pulling teeth to get my two mentees to confirm they were going and then 1 ended up not being around that day. So I took 14 year old mentee number 1 to the meeting. 

At one point they brought out those papers we had written words on. On the outside were words other people had put describing what they thought of us when they first met us. On the inside were things we'd put about ourselves that next to no one knew about. 

We were in a small group: 5 adults mentors (2 of which were leading the group) and 6 mentees (one of which was a boy). The group was in the back of a school auditorium since all the other groups had similarly been divided. The boy was the first to go. On his paper on the outside it had words like:
... some of which were repeated more than once. 

On the inside he had written that he liked sitting under the trees and being around his favorite color green because he felt healed by it (which I found interesting because the color green and being outdoors are supposed to have medicinal effects psychologically and emotionally on people).

Then the leader of the group (a woman in her 20s who was either a Yoda-master psychiatrist and/or partially psychic) started asking him questions like: Which words on the front of the paper do you agree with? He answered, "Shy and quiet." You could feel the tensions in him. He actually started backing away slowly as she proceeded ask him more questions and draw out what was really going on inside him. She tried to get him to admit to the group that he felt like crap and thought he was "no good". He got pretty close. He said that he didn't like letting people get close to him because he thought if they saw who he really was on the inside they wouldn't approve and they would try to change him. And he said he liked this program because they encouraged him to change himself -but never judged him or told him who he was was "bad". That was the extent of his confession.

The first girl who went was another 14 year old. She actually jumped up and volunteered like she was excited to go. On the outside of her paper she had gotten rave reviews: 
-Great to be around
... and more. 

Then she opened it up. Two long lists of words were written. The first phrase I saw was:
-I don't want to live anymore 

It was the longest list of self-hate I'd ever seen.
-My family hates me
-I don't get along with my brothers
-I'm fat and ugly
-I'm weak
-I'm stupid
-I hate life
-I hate myself... 

They then started asking her when she first started having these feelings about herself. She immediately started crying and sobbing. "When I was 6 I was sexually abused..." 

The girl who had been sitting beside her , a friend of hers, started crying as well. 

"It was my cousin. It happened for years..." 

The leader of the group started asking questions: What did you feel about yourself afterwards? She said, "I felt like I was dirt. Like it was my fault..." 

The leader started talking to her some more and at the end told her, "It wasn't your fault. You don't have to hold on to this anymore. You can let it go. You are beautiful. There is nothing wrong with you. But you have a lot of hurt you need to face and move on from. You were very brave for sharing and we all support you." 

Then the girl who had been sitting next to her stood up, again seeming excited to talk and share. The outside of her paper was a little harsher then the previous two: 
-Bitch (written multiple times)
-Mean girl
-Pushes people away
-Nice to people once you get to know her

Then she opened up the inside. She had written mostly facts about herself: 
-I like wearing gray
-I act tough
-I used to bully people
-I treat guys like shit
-I get along with my family now
-I'm smart
-I'm a lesbian 

Then they asked her when what issues she was having in her life. She said, "I started drinking at around 7. I started bullying people and getting into fights..."

Then they asked her what had triggered it. She started crying. "When I was 6 I was sexually abused." They asked, Who abused you? She said, "My cousin." 

And how did you feel about yourself afterwards? "I felt stupid for not being able to defend myself. I didn't tell anyone about it. When we got back from (at-risk youth) camp I finally told my parents about it and they've been really supportive." 

The leader of the group said, "When you bully people is it so you can hurt them first before they hurt you?" She said yes. She wanted to prove she was tough and strong -especially to guys. 

The next girl who spoke had similar things written on her front page: 

-Bitch (written many times)

When she spoke she shared that her father had hit her mother several times, he had cheated on her, bit now they're back together. She also said that she's been cheated on and now has more resentment towards her father. But both parents were deported to Mexico and she is living with her grandparents. Her mom tried to visit but then got caught, spent 2 months in jail, and was then deported back to Mexico. She also said fighting was sort of encouraged in her family, "Don't fight but if you get in a fight you better finish it otherwise we'll kick your ass..." She said, "I've never lost a fight." 

Then it was my mentees' turn to go. I honestly didn't think she would open up. On the outside of her paper it said: 

-Stuck up

On the inside she didn't have much written. She had been joking back and forth with her friend when she was writing in the paper. 
"What words do you believe are true about you on the front?" She whispered (barely speaking loud enough to hear), "Quiet and shy." 

They asked her to talk about what had happened to make her feel bad about herself. It took her about 5 minutes of saying nothing and "I don't know" to finally open up. She said she had witnessed something in her family when she was 5 or 6.  They asked her what it was and that when the tears finally came out. She stood there like a statue silently crying. 

The leader of the group kept asking her, "What do you tell yourself you are?" She said "Quiet." The leader said, "No. I mean what bad thing do you keep telling yourself you are." She was silent as much as she could be and avoided the answer as long as she could, but then finally admitted, "I'm worthless." She said that she felt like nobody cared about her. 

Then the leader looked at me and said, "Are you her mentor." I was kind of in a state of speechlessness after hearing everything so I just nodded my head. She then asked me, "Do you care about her?" I said, "Yes." She asked, "What good qualities do you see in her?" I said, "She is a lot smarter than she lets people know. She is very caring towards others and very loyal to her friends. I think she just holds back a lot." It was kind of awkward talking about her while she was standing there, but it was the truth. 

After the session ended we went and ate sandwiches. The whole time I wanted to tell my mentee, "I'm proud of you for standing up there and sharing what you did. It may not feel that great afterwards but you'll look back on this and be proud you did." But I couldn't. For whatever reason I couldn't say it. I thought, "When we're alone in the car I'll tell her." Then it was, "When I drop her off before she exits the car I'll tell her. Then it actually was, "Hope you have a nice weekend." I just couldn't say it. I was still kind of in pain from feeling all their pain. I couldn't bring myself to say much of anything.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Intense Night

This entity is really ramping up its energy. It's frustrating. And kind of frightening. 

Laying in bed. Not even 10pm yet. I feel a presence by my bed. It's close to my head. It feels like it's around my neck -which has happened before. I wonder if it's trying to choke me and just doesn't have the strength. I try to ignore it. I blessed my room before bed and did my spiritual exercises which did lighten the room. I trust God will step in when He needs to.

Entity leaves for about 5 minutes. Comes back. On the end of my bed. Like it's sitting there. Comes back towards my head. Is it trying to mindmeld or what? I tell it point blank to "Leave my room!" It doesn't.

10 minutes of silence. Then a STRONG sense of energy coming at me like a low-frequency hum in the air. Then BAM!!!! loudest crack/bang in the wall I've heard yet. Like someone running head first into the ceiling. I get up out of bed and re-do my spiritual exercise and bless the room with Holy water. 30 minutes later it comes back into the room. And once every hour throughout the night.

Around 4pm I wake up -accepting this as my new wake up time in general -and start listening to music. I feel the entity coming near again. It's by my bedside, near my head again. 5:11am. A "light" comes in -not a direct, solid light but a lightening of the room that catches my eye. I feeling of the presence goes away. Finally God kicks in. Then fades after about 5 minutes. The entity comes back and the light is gone. I try to emulate my own. No such luck. I'm too tired and weak. I go back to listening to music. Tuning out the ghost works just fine. It doesn't bother me when I don't think about it.

Really James?

James Franco met a 17 year old fan visiting from Scotland at a play of his in New York. He was tagged on her Instagram and then proceeded to message her:

After the messages went viral he posted this on his Twitter trying to deny what happened:

Then he was on the TV Talk show Live! With Kelly and Michael and he addressed the topic head on:

"I didn't want to come on the show and...feel awkward, so uh, yeah. I mean I guess, you know, I'm embarrassed, and I guess I'm just a model of, you know, how social media is tricky," he said. "It's a way people meet each other today. But what I've learned I guess just because I'm new to it is like, you don't know who's on the other end. You meet somebody in person and you get a feel for them but you don't know who you're talking to, and, you know? So I used bad judgment. I learned my lesson."

-The problem is he HASN'T learned the lesson. In fact he didn't even acknowledged the main problem. He thought the issues was choosing "the wrong person" to message via social media. What the actual issue was, was the fact that he DIDN'T CARE who the person he was messaging was. Even after she mentioned her mom and being underage he STILL tried to arrange for sex with her. He knew her for the span of about 5 minutes and then solicited her to sleep with him. What if she had been 15? What if she HAD been 23? The fact is: her AGE didn't matter to him. SHE didn't matter to him. He didn't care who she was, where she was from, what her name was, what her soul was created for... he just wanted her body. Period. That's the problem. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Theme of the Month: Drop Outs and Rescheduling

It finally came to a head yesterday and I realized: There have been a superfluous amount of people ditching out and rearranging things. 

This past month: 

Drop Outs: 

1. One of my co-workers/friends was on the fence with quitting her job at my work and moving to another company.

2. My friend Jos quit Toastmasters for the next 6 months because she was getting too busy.

3. Two formerly committed members at the top-most-inner-circleof our women's group who had said they would be around for at least another year are now backing out and leaving those positions. 

4. A client of mine who had sort of been stringing me along with her plans and adding things on my to-do list began backing out early last week and now wants to finish what she can and dive out completely.

Rescheduling like crazy: 

5. I tried to schedule to have a woman I met come by my house to host a jewelry party -only since my house is a tiny apartment I decided to go with my dad's house. I was then arranging and re-re-re-re-arranging things over the past week for a date for the party. 6 reschedules total. 

6. My friend Nadine, who's always prompt, rescheduled 3 times on me. 

7. An acquaintance who I haven't seen in a while rescheduled 3 times on me.

What is happening world?...

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Who to Hang With

"When Christians spend huge blocks of their time with NON-Christians, and very little time with fellow Christians, something is badly wrong." -Quote a man made on Twitter 

I found this offensive. As a spiritual person I tend to be drawn to/draw in people who are spiritual -but not necessarily Christian. And I wouldn't discriminate against someone or refuse to hangout with someone just because they weren't Christian. 

Hanging around people of the same faith is something you do for yourself for support of others and/or dependency on similarity and/or fear or those who are different. 

Hanging out with people of different faiths is something you do for the world -to show that differences don;t have to divide people and that people can get along and share and grow with one another in the face of any diversity.