Thursday, May 3, 2018

How to Master Situations and Life

Part 1: Physical Struggle 

God will lead you to build up a kind of physical endurance towards pain, discomfort, and limitation.  

In Life: This was my younger years climbing everything and running around freely until energy started to fail me and I started to get bogged down by thought and "staying put" all the time. By high school running was a rare chore I wanted to avoid. I became stagnant for about 2 decades. Then this past year things shifted and changed finally because I was ready to take charge and get back in touch with Body. 

Current Situation: I work a pretty physically demanding job. And when I first started I was very gung-ho about taking on the aspects of the job that are  a lot more physically demanding -and I did it well. Then I realized I didn't need to prove to myself or others that I could do those things because I KNEW I could, and I let go and shifted into doing more of a balanced variety of things. But then I struggled with: 

-Getting sick and going to work anyway (which didn't exactly consist of sitting in a cubicle all day). 
-Aches and pains from all the work
-Being on my period while running around and being active 
-Being physically tired AND spiritually drained
-Not being physical capable of doing certain tasks and learning my limitations 

But I was mostly able to handle it all. Prayer was everything. God is healing. Non of the struggles lasted forever. 

Part 2: Mental Struggle 

God will lead you to build up a kind of mental endurance towards mental health issues, doubts, negative thought patterns, limitations, perfectionism, and overthinking.  

In Life: This was the years from High School to when I was 25 and finally realized I'd delved too far into mind and had lost sight of soul. I tried to CONTROL everything mentally and couldn't -which just led to frustration and anxiety. So I understood there needed to be more balance and more letting go. 

Current Situation: When I first took my job, there was a LOT to learn and memorize -including different names of plants (greenhouse tech), tracking inventory of packages and produce as it's being collected, different measuring amounts for the seeding process... A LOT. But my 2 biggest struggles were Perfectionism and Mental Health. 

For perfectionism: I kept messing up the total count of lettuce heads collected and put into boxes (sometimes in the amount of around 30 boxes with 12 heads per box keeping track of which sections of the facility they came from). I was always off by 3 or 4 heads. Then I let go. After an embarrassing attempt of creating a mathematical system for tracking that didn't work: I LET GO. And the weird part was, once i accepted that I was probably going to be off and not keep perfect count, I never missed another head. I haven't missed a single one since I consciously made that shift. 

Current Situation: We have a walkin-freezer where we keep the produce and 15 different kinds of microgreens that are collected and need to be packaged every morning. It takes about 2 to 4 hours to package all the microgreens -especially if there is an order for bulk amounts of them that needs to be boxed up and collected. Being in a FREEZER for over 2 hours is a nightmare. At one point my body started registering that it was freezing to death -which felt like drowning in a box of cold air. I tried taking a 5 minute break. I tried praying to God infinitely. I failed. I was "broken" for the next couple hours after leaving the walkin and at one point couldn't mentally figure out how to use a microwave in the office I had used every day. 

But I was determined to overcome. 

So God led me back to the freezer about a week later. I bundled up and got in there and knocked things out in an hour and a half. My team lead actual said, "Wow, you smashed it!" It felt great KNOWING that I could handle not just the physical issues, but the mental reaction I had to the physical problem. 

Then there's the other kind of mental health issue I had to contend with more frequently: Feeling stressed, exhausted, and overworked. I realized I had built up anxiety around every task I did throughout the day because I was trying to rush through to get out on time and make it to the next task. So I started slowing down and staying present: "I am cutting strips of micro-green cloth." "I am washing my hands". "I am sanitizing this strainer". I would staying physically and mentally focused on just what i was doing in that moment and let go of worrying about and trying to control everything mentally. 

Acknowledging mental health ans actively taking steps to figure out your limitations and how to contend with things is essential. 

Part 3: Emotional Struggle

God will lead you to build up a kind of emotional endurance towards pain, disappointment, negativity on a global scale, and relational issues with others. 

I have experienced a kind of breakthrough emotionally with regards to the way I handle things that has deepened my maturity and helped me understand that because God never leaves me I can take on all the roller-coaster emotional pains this world can inflict. 

In Life: This was my teenage years into college years. I am STILL amazed at people who Don't commit suicide while others sit their wondering why anyone does. I was sooooooo close to that edge. And I thought the sorrow was beautiful and actually couldn't imagine living in happiness in any way. I considered happiness a part of my childhood and my past and something that was just Gone. But the bigger realization for me was that I was ANGRY. I always knew I was sad and pained by life's disappointments and abuses, but the ANGER was something that didn't really come out until I was around 19. And a lot of it revolved around resentment. 

But I learned to let go, forgive, and make peace with: The past, people, situations, and pain. 

Current Situation: There's a lot I've contended with emotionally/psychologically here:

1 Sexual Harrasment
2 NPR
3 Friend Breaking Up 
4 Working under supervisor 

1. I'd never had to contend with sexual harassment until I started working at the place I'm at now. And it wasn't just me. This one guy out of the 15 or so we work around harassed EVERY woman there -except one who I'm pretty sure would have beat him to a pulp. The strange thing was how much other women noticed it and we creeped out by it but were also just kind of "used to it". I told my friend/.co-worker that it was my first time dealing with that sort of thing and she said, "I'm used to it". I guess her second job had a lot of those sorts of issues. 

But it made me deeply uncomfortable, made me try to avoid him and made conversations with him next to impossible to navigate through. and on top of that I had to figure out whether to come forward or not and where I personally drew that line. It puts you in a shitty position of deciding whether you think this person deserves to get Fired over their conduct. And you ask yourself, "Was it that bad? What would other people say if I wrote everything he's said to us down on paper? Would they think it was harassment?" And I KNEW that a line had verbally been WELL crossed and actually feared one of the managers (who has 3 daughters of his own) might actually harm him physically if he found out. But he never touched anyone or physically harmed anyone. And I decided that was my line unless other women decided they wanted to call him out on things at which point I would put in my 2 cents. So I didn't say anything. 

And I knew he would get fired for one reason or another at some point -either for that or a lot of other things he did that were an issue and so I'm glad he's gone now and it immediately felt more free and less confined working there. But all of this had to be made peace with and navigated through emotionally and spiritually. 

2. I hate NPR. I hate it. 

It's very "white" -which is weird to say that about a radio news show, but it IS. It's very pretentious. And it's past a certain point Unethical. My complaints: 

-You can't say you're "unbiased" and taking on "multiple perspectives" and give credence to bigotry while claiming to be informative. Here's how it goes: "We acknowledge racism is bad, and we would STUDY he KKK and why it exists, but at no point would we interview a racist to legitimately take racism into consideration as a possible perspective to live out. In other news, let's debate homophobia. In other news, let's debate xenophobia. Let's legitimately give voice to and equalize the mentalities of Bigots. 

-It HURTS having to listen to apathetic, emotionally detached robots go over why a serial rapist wasn't brought to to justice because of our obviously failing justice system. It HURTS having to listen to issues pertaining to sexual assault and rape out of nowhere while you're trying to to work seeding arugula knowing ALL of the men who have sexually abused and harmed your friends and family members have and never and likely will never be brought to justice. It's hard enough going online and hearing all the #MeToo movement stories -knowing you have plenty of your own to add to the pile -and then listen to the indifferent tones of news reporters going over statistics. It HURTS. 

-Walking into work at 6am to hear, "Today we children were killed  in a suicide bombing in Syria... and now for some light Jazz music." How can you tell the news that indifferently AND act like it's of relevance? 


-Lastly, even though there's more, you miss things Visually in terms of Clarity in Understanding when you just listen to seemingly random news updates. NPR will tell you -at nauseum- that 2 black men were kicked out of Starbucks. They will interview a Starbucks executive, they will interview protesters outside of that Starbucks 3 days later, they will tell you about a news conference going over the "incident"... But then there's all they fail to tell you in there attempt at being "impartial" during a clearly racist occurnence. 

They'll fail to tell you that this happened a couple days before the 2 -not 1, but 2 -Waffle House instances that occurred in different states but led to harm being laid out against black people unjustly. They'll fail to tell you about Kanye West saying days later that slavery was a choice. They'll fail to tell you about people defending Bill Cosby as innocent because he's black and they genuinely believe white women were conspiring against him. They fail at laying out PATTERNS, simultaneous events that are representative of our cultural climate, and just plainly calling out something as "Yes stupid, kicking 2 guys out of a Starbucks who were waiting for a friend because they were black is RACIST." They waist people's time debating news as if it was negotiable and needed to be fleshed out in great detail when it's that obvious. 

I hate NPR. 

But my co-worker Max loves it. 

So it comes on all the time and I try to make peace with its redundancy and inefficiency and apathy... I struggle some days but other days I make peace. Or I put on my headphones and listen to music. 

3. My Friend "Breaking Up" With Me 

I didn't quiet know the right phrase to use because it feels like a break-up but it's not that kid of relationship so... yah. 

After being friends for almost a year and feeling as close as sisters, she grew distant all of the sudden for a good week or two and then just started avoiding me. No talk or closure on WHY, just "It's done" with no words. And I knew she'd regret it and I knew I needed to make peace, move on, and let go. But I wasn't expecting to feel so FREED by having it end. I was depressed and saddened for the first couple days, but then realized: "I don't have to gossip anymore." We had to devolved into talking mostly about people people people because that's all she seemed fixated on and I was getting sick of it. I wanted to talk about greater things. I didn't want to hear the drama and the bull shit and the noise. So I understood that we had "outgrown" each other in some ways and just needed to move on. 

But we work together. And although I made my peace and was feeling good about life, she acted like a gunslinger hiding behind corners shooting me dirty looks. And that was different. I tried helping her out with work a couple of times and she acted like i had some alterior motive or was going to stab her in the back. So I just gave her more space, respected her desire to be apart, and enjoyed my freedom without her popping up much on my radar. When you start friendships/relationships with people in the Knowing that they don't belong to you and have every right to be who they are and do their own thing -it's easier to accept when they don't want you in their life anymore for whatever reason. 

And I can appreciate why we were brought into each other's lives originally and how spiritually intended for it was. I've learned fro her and grown as a person because of her positive influence and I know she's changed in the same ways because of me. 

4. Working Under One of My Supervisors 

This was actually the hardest emotional pain to contend with and is actually the reason I felt compelled to blog/write it out. I actually wrote everything that happened yesterday on 5 sheets of paper in case I feel like giving it to my second supervisor that I have no issues with. Yesterday was my "lowest day" at work in spite of everything else. In spite of every other pain, issue, NPR, all of it. 

Yesterday evening I wallowed for a good 5 hours in deep pain and sadness and debated quitting, debated crying, and debated throwing up. And I realized all of it had to do with this one supervisor I've had trouble with for months because his leadership skills SUCK. 

I can take whatever issues there are between us and even the fact that he may dislike me or even want me to quit or leave -that's fine. But what hurts is when the TEAM we've worked so hard and I've prayed so hard and God has endeavored so hard to bring together gets UNDERMINED. 

People have threatened to quit. People are starting to quit. And being tone deaf and out-of-the-loop on listening to people is starting to take its toll. One supervisor leads WITH the group and has let us work as a team in the legitimate sense of the word. The other delegates and imposes a hierarchy system that's condescending and not needed. 

And he isn't a bad person. He is generally a positive guy that's just a little out of touch. But there have been days when my co-workers and ME have wanted to yell him out. 

So when they hired a new girl yesterday and she started working after last week a guy who had been here only a month put in his 2 weeks, it made me wonder what the point of hiring anyone was or why any of us should be there is we were going to get treated that lowly. 

I consider the work that I'm doing there non-profit work (especially since I'm getting paid less than I did when I worked at an actual non profit and the work itself is pretty thankless). I'm there because I'm meant to be and God and I are trying to bring about greater things for that space, those people, and that company. I don't need this shit. And yet God is leading me through it and helping me heal from it. 

Because when you've been through ALL and EVERYTHING in a place like that and then get made to feel like you're expendable -it hurts. 

Part 4: Spiritual Struggle 

God will lead you to build up a kind of spiritual endurance towards pain, darkness, and negativity in every form

In Life: Spirituality underlies it ALL. What manifests physically/emotionally/mentally in terms of pain are just the shots in the dark fired from Hell to wound or soul to attack God. It's not new. 

And we we become in terms of our resiliency to the darkness and pain is who we genuinely are as a Soul. 

And so in spite of everything:

You need to Forgive people for not knowing who they are, let alone what they do, and let alone the impact they're having on your life. 

You need to Acknowledge the pains and the wounds and the cuts and the aches of your body and actively try to heal them because we're not made of stone.

You need to Recognize that your mind and mental health aren't impervious to issues and your cup can start to overflow if you don't take head and bring calm and peace back into your mentality. 

You need to Be in Peace because we're just dominoes sometimes in this life trapped between God and a hard place and darkness is going to get through, wreak havoc, and cause pain wherever it can in whatever ways it can. 


Thursday, April 5, 2018

Spring -A New Time in a New Age

So many things have happened in the past 4 months. I should probably cover the "bigger picture" shifts in the world first though. 

#1 The Rise of Women

There has been a lot of emphasis on MARY. The sense that I get is Jesus wants to honor Mary as God wants to honor the Feminine aspect of self. This is one of the reasons things like the #MeToo movement are holding strong. It's been culminating. People have been getting clearer and clearer on the acknowledgement of women's autonomy, freedom, humanity, and power. There is now a desire the world over for the wellbeing of women to be taken into as deep a consideration as it is for men. 

#2 The Accumulation + Gathering of Cultures

In this new time it is important for people to collectively draw from Multiple sources of spiritual strength that derive from God. The "good" that can be found in many cultures -including throughout time and some that are from ancient periods -will become more and more essential. Each culture has its own kind of medicine and emphasis placed on significant things. Try to connect to the essence of different cultures -especially those that pop up in your life over and over again. 

#3 People Being "Covered" 

This might not seem like it right now since there are still old pains from previous generations and times playing out in our every day world. Things like racial violence in particular are ramping up and people of different backgrounds are being led to suffering. This will reach its head at some point too and the line will hold and people will stand their ground and force change to occur so more and more people become protected. 

My faith in older generations wavers. I've met some people over 40 years old that are Very woke and cognizant of issues that effect the lives of other people. Then I've met others that Think that's where they're at but give-way to blind-spots where they don't see or understand the lives of certain people and the way they're disconnected from them. Even some enlightened people I know suffer by faint hints of homophobia and racism from time to time. 

But this younger generation -in part because of the honesty they've shared with regard to their sufferings -have already bled together and have a refusal towards separation and division. They are far less tainted by the influences of the past and a more susceptible to the NEW wave of influence Heaven is having on people trying to lead them to greater and greater things. they understand solidarity is Necessity. That survival will come most swiftly when we stand up for one another and don't back down to fear. When we cover one another in that way God is able to do the same Through us. 

#4 Paralleling = Empathizing and Gaining By Others 

When I synchronize with other people or see them doing the same with others, it means first off that we're spiritually connected. It's also God leading people to directly empathize with others. With this comes a warning: DO NOT BURN BRIDGES WITH OTHERS OR WISH THEM HARM/NEGATIVITY. Do as much unto others as you would yourself as possible. Extend patience and understanding. If you have discord with others it will manifest in your life and you'll go through the same thing. On the plus side we are also then capable of Gaining by one another. Look for family connections with friends and even strangers and try to bond with as many people in a genuine way as you can. We gain strength and abundance through family. 

#Being "Esoteric" 

This is actually one of my longest struggles and pains. At some point you realize you aren't going to be able to explain everything to people or have them understand you. People won't get where you're coming from and they'll think you're "weird". The benefit of the internet is being able to align to and follow those who are on the same path or are even ahead of you. We're all walking in the same direction but some people have gone off-roading or are sidetracked and don't understand the view you are trying to explain to them from on top of the mountain miles ahead of where they're at. It sucks. It sucks because you want better for people and it sucks because you feel left out in the rain. It gets lonely. 

This is another reason to draw near to God -who knows you as a soul perfectly and is leading to greater truths and revelations for a reason. Draw from the spiritual family of Heaven when the one here on earth starts to wear thin. 

#Width + Depth 

The best metaphor I can come up with is a swimming pool. The cement for the pool has to be dug out wide. The pool is ultimately meant to mimic the ocean so the wider out it is the better. It's hard to swim in a straight, narrow channel. The pool is also desired to be deep. The deeper the better. More SPACE. 

And people are the same. When people come from a place of Love and being talkative, personable, and friendly they extend in Width. But in terms of understanding and intellect they can sometimes be bigoted or short-sited leading their love to only be extend to those immediately around them that they are connected to. It's not exactly a love for humanity as a whole. 

By the other token, when people come from a place of Peace, they can achieve great intellect, understanding, and clarity of thought/vision. But they can devolve into treating reality like a concept. One of the reasons I hate NPR and can't stand to listen to it and similar news stations is the Indifference in Tone. "12 people were killed today in a train accident..." They can rattle of reality as fact alone and there is no sense of peace, compassionate caring, or empathy being extended. It severs from soul in that way. 

There needs to be more width -do be "in the mud" of trying to connect to and love people in spite of their inevitable darknesses and short comings. A BALANCE between being love and understanding grace. That link between mind and soul. 

And so God will lead the quiet, muted, socially awkward kid to be a Leader of a group. And God will lead the loud-mouthed, gossipy, take-charge person to reflect alone and silently make artwork. These shifts are essential in the growing of a soul. Just as plants need water AND light and never just one or the other. 

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Why I Hate Santa

This time of year is kind of complicated. 

For me it's a time of spiritual reflection, appreciating God, celebrating Divine Life and Light, that wonderful, nostalgic sense that comes from playing in snow and wandering through snowflakes, getting warm and comfy, visiting with family, acknowledging and drawing near to the miracle that is Christ, and being more open and giving towards others. 

Then this guy wanders in talking about the latest iPhone and Black Friday sales... 



I hate him. I hate him so much. 

And for a while it was hard for me to articulate why to other people. But then recently -in part thanks to the Catholic school I clean at for my second job at night -I discovered one of the underlying reasons I resent Santa and all that he has come to represent about this time of year. 

Saint Nicholas. 


No one knows much about him or what he did, but we took from old Saint Nick and wrapped him in a compilation of various other people to create this caricature known as "Santa". 

Saint Nicholas was amazing. Regardless of your religious beliefs, his contributions can easily be appreciated and acknowledged. 

One of the most well known actions he took in particular was using his wealth to help children in poverty. There was a father with 3 daughters who were between the ages of 9 and 12 that he knew he couldn't afford dowries for. So when he started running low on money he decided to sell them all at once to other men to be raped for profit. Sex trafficking. 

3 times Nicholas "anonymously" put a huge bag of gold on the man's door to prevent him from selling his daughters into slavery. Since he was the only one around with kind of money it wasn't too hard for people to figure out what he did. And he did it several times over the years because every time the father would go through the money he'd been given he kept reverting back to trying to sell his daughters. 

And there are other people that Santa is based on that were giving and generous and kind -particularly to children in need -who then don't get acknowledged because we made up this character to take their place. 

In conclusion, I hate Santa. 

But I'm ok with Rudolph. 

Recent Revelations: Over 10 of Them

The problem with working 2 jobs during the week and 1 side graphic design job on Sundays is less time for art and in this case blogging. LOTS of stuff to fill in on. 

The first one is probably the most important spiritual understanding gained. It was kind of an epiphany when it hit. 

1. Dream Travel
There was a term called "Astral Travel" that I came across and didn't know whether it meant (a.) Leaving your body as a soul and traveling to other places, (b.) Leaving your body during sleep and going to Heaven, (c.) Leaving your body as a soul while traveling around during the day with or without being cognizant of it. So I asked God for further clarity and received it. 

During dreams sometimes I can't tell whether I'm visiting the present or the future -but I just assume the future because I go places I haven't been to yet. As it turns out the Spiritual Plane that underlies our physical one can be seen/acknowledged/visited in dreams. It's the PRESENT state of a place/people. 

The effect we have on our surrounding physically sets the landscape and tone for the spiritual plane. The spiritual plane has positive/negative "hot spots" for certain things to manifest physically (like a beautiful garden or a coliseum where slaves and forced to murder one another) -or what we choose to bring about as people creates and founds the spiritual plane underlying everything. 

2 Examples: 

A. I had 3 dreams over the course of a couple years about the same place. It was a large bowl-like building structure that I looked down into that had different animals wrestling around and generally felt kind of uneasy, unsettling, and chaotic. I recently came to realize that place was one I'd actually been to: The rodeo grounds out in the country where I grew up. Between making horses buck by strapping painful mechanisms to their sides and roping caves having their legs pulled out from under them very quickly... Not a fun place to be if you're an animal and none of these things are capable of being explained to you only done to you. 

B. Have had multiple dreams about my sister and my dad visiting a farm out in California. Turns out the farm/garden exists and what I'm seeing is the way it looks Spiritually in the underlying plane rather than the physical surface representation. 

We can manifest things here on Earth in the spiritual realm from this physical space and what we do on it AND be led to manifest things here physically that abide in the under-layer that is the spiritual plane. 

2. Head Space

This one was sort of obvious but the way it hit me was finally like something clicked and I "got it" better than before. The space you create in your mind is like a room or any other area. You can either create a space that's peaceful and light -which allows Heaven to come through that much more easily and freely. Or you can create a space of worry, poisoned thoughts, and hate -which paves the way for darker things to come through. And it's kind of a selfless notion to purposely say to yourself, "Well I could think negative thoughts about this situation or that person, but then it would shove out room for God to abide in my mind." And so you offer the space in your head as a room to rent for God without the monthly fee. This in turns allows for greater communication and vision from above to come through. 

3. The Dragon/Caduceus 
Almost every culture globally has depictions of dragons/serpents of one kind or another running throughout its history. 

-Europe has depictions of slaying dragons -seen as evil and the knights killing them as valiant for destroying them. I maintain this mostly comes from a place of ego -not soul. Soul doesn't destroy it just brings peace and healing to life. 

-India has depictions of naggas and serpents in particular (cobras) that it offers milk to and generally seems to depict being peaceful to. 

-China has the luck dragon and has a positive affiliation with dragons associated with good fortune -like the luck dragons. 

-Mexico had Quetzalcoatl which was complicated because it was originally a giant serpent dragon that was prayed to/worshiped until it was depicted being slain by a great hero that I would compare to the Angel Michael in appearance. 

Then one of the most abundant images that comes up is this interesting "cadeucus" depiction of the inter-twining serpent: 



It's affiliated with the double-helix/healing symbol. 

Then the other day I came across this one and something kind of "clicked" for me in terns of understanding:



I think it basically means -on top of everything else established like healing/chakras/bonding cord to God -that if you make peace with negativity in all forms it can be found then it will ADD to your life and being greater spiritual harmony. It's like the way God can turn curses into blessings with redemption. 

What was really freaky was the realization that I had already depicted this image a long time ago but had NO IDEA what it meant: 



I called it "God's Staff" because I didn't know what it was at all and that was the closest my mind could come to conceiving of it back in 2012. I acknowledged it also had some transparency to it -which is often the way things in Heaven that I depict sometimes comes through. That everything blends and merges and overlaps into everything else in this weird transparent way in Heaven. 

then I came across this image randomly on the internet that some other artist had made: 



Pretty freakishly similar. And the symbol in the center of this one reminds me of the "namaste" symbol. Lots of interesting things coming up. Thank God for the miracle that is our ability to create art in various forms -especially visually. 

3. Life Lessons
I wrote this down and don't know what it originally pertained to since it was written weeks ago, but I liked what I wrote so here it is: 

Reasons for Living on Earth:
-Don't just lead by example, BE by example
-Penance for past wrongs comes through in this life so we can learn within ourselves not to repeat the same mistakes
-Gain empathy
-Helping out in ways you're meant to

4. Family Legacy

Don't know where to begin. This one has been coming up a lot... 

Imagine a glass of water tips over onto the ground it's sitting on outside. The water immediately spreads into different veins that dart in separate directions. One vein goes into the mood and is soaked into soil where it then appears to end. Another rolls out into the gutter where it flows until a leaf blocks its path to the storm drain. Another trail darts out towards a nearby tree. And so on. 

Each family line and all its members inevitablely effects one another either positively or negatively. You take your family in and the energy they bring into your life. Harry Potter is probably the best example of this. In spite of his uncle and aunt not telling him about being a wizard, the lineage of his parents comes through and he discovers it about himself before he's told or knows what it even means. 

We take in both the positive and the negative influences our families bring into our lives and are an extension of these veins pouring forward. We can either continue to perpetuate that negative influence or lose the positive that might be there -or become mindful of these things and take things in a new direction. 

The line of influence in my family that consists of dysfunction and blame and ignorances and addiction ENDS with me. And I know my sister won't carry any of that crap around within in her life either. 

We can shift things. Re-write a new family legacy and influence.  

5. When people evade "soul" the world becomes devoid of it as well. See: governmental systems and businesses. 

6. Eroding Body
When people are severed from themselves in soul and/or from their connection to God it starts to effect their bodies. Like a grape taken off the vine will rot and wither, so will the body. Bodies are healthiest when the natural healing and abundant energy of the soul comes through. 

7. Thoughts on Religious Schools -with the Examples from a Catholic School. 

Lets be honest, most of the time religious (particularly Christian affiliated) schools get looked at as almost being a form of brainwashing. And in some instances they may be just that. They're seen as forcing religion on impressionable children while telling them science and math are from the devil. 

But this takes away from the understanding that People Are People. That for every ignorant person running around that would champion brainwashing children into ignorance like -West Boro Baptist does for example -there are also enlightened people that would balance education and possibly give it even more meaning by encouraging students to not just reflect on facts but also ethical implications. 

I'm from standard, normal, public schooling -with the exception of being in a Christian preschool for a year or two before elementary school. I like the notion of introducing spirituality to kids and informing them of multiple religions -not just Christianity alone. They actually have influences of Buddhism every once in a while in the books they have at the school I clean at for my second job. 

When they have a library full of science, many cultures, animals, religions, and books like Harry Potter and Bunnicula as well as books by Malala and Judge Ruth Ginsburg it's pretty encouraging. 

It's a good Catholic school that may do a better job of genuinely educating kids that my elementary school did -especially since they have a Spanish class and teaching foreign languages didn't come up for me until high school. 

On the down side the Middle School troubles me. They use the word "liturgical" over there a lot. Basically they start getting really, really into Catholic teachings and rules and doctrine. I don't like the vibe. Also kind of rolled my eyes when I walked past 3 middle school boys talking about "homosexuals" as if they were from another species. So for me the rubber starts to hit the road when religion stops being teached and starts being forced. 

Also found it strange that a church and Catholic school -both which have non-profit status for tax avoidance -would charge parents $20,000 a year to provide schooling. That blew my mind. 

My first thought entering in there was, "Oh how awesome and INCLUSIVE this school must be given the principles of Christ demand inclusivity AND they're a non-profit that can take in kids from disadvantaged backgrounds and give them a good education and the positive influences of that faith..." Then that thought got shot down when I saw the price tag attached. If I had a kid, as spiritual as I am and as fond as I've come to be with the notion of enrolling a child into a Christian elementary school (but no further beyond that with middle or high school) I wouldn't be able to even begin to afford that.  

So then I thought, "Great it's going to be a bunch or wealthier, sheltered kids raised with the teachings of Christ unable to grasp some of those concepts because The POOR -the one group Jesus spent the most time with -won;t be around for them to see." Frustration. 

How can a "non-profit" do that? It's one thing to get donations from people and government support in funding and then afford to school children. It's another to require parents to fork over that kind of money each year. 

Also didn't like the notion of kids wearing school uniforms. Number 1 -It prevents kids from expressing themselves as individuals and as souls and develop that sense of personal responsibility towards establishing an external appearance. Number 2 -Girls HAVE tow wear skirts -including in winter time when there's snow. F*ck that. Number 3 -If I'm paying $20,000 a year for my kid to get school I'm not going to let the school tell me how my kid should dress. 

So there is this potential for these sorts of schools to positively influence kids -including spiritually. Then there's the ways they kind of screw that up by doing things that aren't as wise.  

8. Blossoming in Winter
I have arm muscles for the first time in my life. I'm genuinely stronger and my stamina has been great. These jobs are a lot more physically demanding, but the benefits of that kind of work -along with working alongside some really great people -make it all worth it. The pay is still a struggle each month, but I actually look forward to going back to work each day. If I could have gone into work today I would have -but I have the graphic design work and other stuff I need to do on Sundays. I feel like spiritually things are getting clearer, more understandings are coming through, and I'm healthier now. 



9. Numerology
It seems fitting this fell on the number "9." Damn. 

Numbers 11, 22, 44, and 88 have been coming up since November. It took me a couple weeks to realize November IS the 11th month and what these numbers meant. And it's hard to explain how they "come up" throughout your day and week and month so I actually tried capturing pictures of it when it occurred. 



Finally had to look up "44" and "888" in particular. EVERY DAY they came up. Here's what the internet told me:





Basically 44 and 88 both have to do with establishing financial stability -which is where I'm at currently in terms of undertakings. But 88 also has to do with karma and not trying to perpetuate negativity. Forgiving others their trespasses and seeing being darkness to light. Which has also been coming up a lot. 

Then the number 11 started coming up. For me the number 11 represents 2 beings coming together -either in friction and battle or in peace and unity. In November I finally realized I had a situation of "Twinning" going on. Stuff that would happen to be would immediately happen to my friend/co-worker Elaine. I actually started keeping track because it became like clock-work. 

-I ripped my plastic glove, 10 minutes later she ripped hers
-I brought avocados and tomatoes to work to put in my veggieburger, the next week she brought salsa and guacamole for a pot luck
-I dropped plant seeds on the ground, the next morning she did the same thing
-Someone took my black Sharpie pen and the next day I ended up having someone else's black Sharpie handed to me and I KNEW that would happen
-I had to learn how to use the lift alone, Elaine had to learn to use the lift alone
-We played cards and she got 3 Aces and laid them down and the next turn I got 3 Aces and made the same move
-I knew which cards she was going to put down before she did a couple times 

So "twinning" isn't just synchronicity with the same person -it can also be other people and life duplicating itself in different scenarios from time to time. It's a whole phenomenon. And it's continued -if not expanded at this point. 

The other 2 numbers that have been coming up infinitely are 9 and 27 -the numbers that pertain to ME and who I am as a person. 



Some numbers refer to what's going on around you and how you're experiencing the world and some refer to WHO you are. 

9 as always means seeing yourself in the world and the world in you. Everything is a reflection of everything -like the ocean reflecting the sky and the sky reflecting the ocean. 27 specifically has to do with encouraging Understanding + Empathy, The Golden Rule, and Peace Between All Beings through Divine Connection. 

The number 49 has also come up a couple times but I didn't bother looking that one up and still don't know what it means. 

10. Angel Cards

I think the biggest thing that showed up the last time I did angel cards was the Moon and Spring Time in Winter. That and a child at play -given I got the job at the school right after. 



I don't usually pay any attention to the cycles of the moon and don't know what they mean, but going out at night to the school to clean I started seeing the moon more -specifically the New/Waxing Moon just like the card showed which was pretty freaky. 

Then the premonition card came with up the picture of birds outlining the number 3 in the clouds -which is pretty spot on for the numerology stuff that's been happening. 

Sometimes I pity people who aren't spiritual for not being on this wave length. It feels like you're in your own conspiracy theory -only it consists of God trying to send you important messages about life and not getting pissed off at other people. 

***Update: Just noticed I published and finished this blog at exactly 11:27am.  



Sunday, November 26, 2017

RE: Future Me

Dear Past Me,

You are SAVED! 

Ended up getting a job cleaning at a Catholic Elementary School, Middle School, and Church. Had a very vivid premonition seeing the atrium at the center of the elementary school that I ended up "remembering" when I was there seeing it. 

Between seeing images of Mary and Christ everywhere and being present to the light energy affiliated with children being around -I'm definitely meant to be there doing what I'm doing. 

It's my second job now working 6pm -9pm after my first job. Love the people that I work with and actually had an hour-long spiritual conversation with the lead supervisor. 

I seriously get the sense that it was all about divine timing and that's why things weren't "working out" and I was essentially being led to this. I actually had a dream the night after I had gone on the internet glancing at the job options where the job involving a CHURCH stood out to me in my dream when I dreamt I'd gone back online. The next day I applied for that one and then one week later I was working there. 

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Dear Future Me

For whatever reason I'm meant to write this blog. I've had 2 other blogs in mind with a serious inability and no desire to write them out, but this is the one I'm meant to put out there for some reason. 

And I think it's mostly a note to my future self at this point. 

Dear future self, 

You're Screwed. 

I love my job. I love the physical activity, the fact that I mastered driving a lift and haven't run anyone over, I get to work with my new best friend, learning life lessons, working around plants and growing crops, cleaning stuff, and good hours. 


The only problem is the PAY. Whoever decided $9 as minimum wage was enough to work full time and live off of needs to be shot. Starting in 2018 it'll go up to $10, but for now it's not good. 

I pay rent and bills but am left each month with about $400 unaccounted for. Thanks to the support of family members I've essentially been scraping by with their patronage. My art is flourishing and the only other setback was only getting 1 day off a week -Sundays -which is physically taking its toll and I'm getting more and more tired each weekend I can tell. 

But I don't want to leave my job and I genuinely feel like I'm still meant to be there. But getting a third job (my second job is doing graphic design/marketing stuff on Sunday my pseudo 'day-off') seems like a nightmare. I don't have the energy or the stamina to get off of work and do some kind of night-shift job somewhere. But I don't know where to get the extra $400+ each month. 

Which is part of the reason why I know that I'm screwed and at this point ONLY God could help me out. I know I'm where I'm meant to be doing what I'm meant to be doing -just not getting paid what I need. Don't know how God is going to do it, but I keep getting the sense that something is going to happen. 

Not necessarily something good, but something bad that can turn into a blessing in disguise somehow pretty much. I think my bigger fear is that nothing would happen and I look down the barrel of another surmounting set of bills I'm unable to pay on my own. I'll take anything but this frustrating circumstance not changing. 

So whatever plot twist is coming for me it's important for future me to remember, "It was needed." 

*On the plus side the veil is thinning more and more and God and Heaven are coming through very resiliently and are close. I can actually feel the presence of Christ getting stronger each night. I just have trouble as always discerning Heaven's guidance. It's still murky. 

Monday, October 16, 2017

What's the Point of Life on Earth?

If you haven't had an existential crisis at some point you're missing out. Everyone needs to define there lives and their life's purpose at some point. What's the point of any of it? 

Especially spiritual people who fathom Heaven and how backwards and finite this world is in comparison. Why would anyone be sent down here from paradise? 

So it was time to wonder down that path again last night. I recently pulled an angel card that said, "Be clear on your desires and what you want so Heaven can help manifest them. Ask for what you want." I think my biggest problem is that I fear getting what I want. If it actually occurred everything would change -including me. And it's not like I want stupid stuff -we're talking the Ultimate of what can be dreamed and lived. 

So I asked myself: What is MY point of being here? I don't wants what's already been done and achieved by other people like romantic love, pursuing a career, fame, wealth, having a family... We all want small doses of these things sometimes, but as far as ultimate fate goes we all know there's MORE. Even spiritual breakthroughs, overcoming sorrows, and sacrificing self to save others has been done. So what is the MORE this life on Earth has to offer? 

And I decided Heaven and God are always going to be MORE. In fact they are THE MORE. And they're what this Earth needs more of. That if there's anything greater that can be added to this life it will come from the greatest source. 

So I created the list of everything I would want to engage with in this life spiritually (what I think might be my callings): 

1. Expressions of the Soul -Art, Music, Writing, Movies, Fashion, Photography, Dancing, Culinary Arts... anything and everything that comes from the soul in creativity. 

2. Giving back to people in support. Either financially or in most cases by being there for people spiritually and reminding them they're not alone. 

3. Spiritual "Activism" -Take a spiritual approach to all the world's issues and discerning the best spiritual approach to take to handle them. 

4. Being accessible and flexible to God's path and going where I'm Needed. This usually involves praying over people and places I'd otherwise never go to. 

5. Being a spiritual beacon -striving to embody soul because doing that alone is kind of the main point and ultimately leads to helping others. 

6. Travel. Travel frightens me sometimes because it can be an "unknown" but it's clearly something I get led to over and over again. 

7. Creating spiritual "sanctuaries" and places people can go to for shelter, support, and nourishment. 

8. Seeking to protect and act from a place of compassionate caring towards those who are hurting or are invisible where they should be seen as souls. 

9. There are systemic, institutional issues that are finally being addressed across a vast spectrum globally. Things like government corruption, rape on college campuses, abuses in religious institutions... And we're all meant to acknowledge these things, call them out, and change the way the system works. 

Working at the greenhouse has been coming up a lot lately because there've been numerous metaphors and insights I've gained from that place. Systemic issues was actually one of them. 

When the technologically advanced greenhouse was first made there were NO women involved. The decisions were made entirely by men and what ends up happening without someone even realizing it is Men think in terms of action and doing while Women think in terms of organization, preparation, and worse case scenarios. This isn't always the case but given gender roles that have been playing out over the millennia it's at least mostly ingrained in people at this point. 

So there wasn't much thought given to the way the system was laid out, preventing possible problems from occurring, and even up-keep and sanitation in the long term. Women create "nest space" so everything is safe and well looked after and cared for to create the best environment. Men are raised to focus on other things. 

The situation reached a head when this past week produced very little lettuce because so many were infected with a kind of fungus created by issues in the system and the way water was getting to the plants. So know they have to dismantle and rearrange everything. And the same goes for the world outside. 

When the judicial system fails in upholding justice -things need to change. When the police are the ones enacting crime and getting away with it -things need to change. When religions damn there own congregation with abuses and cruelty -things need to change.  

Another life lesson learned was: When seeds sprout and are ready to be transplanted I found there were 3 different kinds. 

There were small leaves bursting at the seems like a firework (too overly enthusiastic for their own good because when they mature into "adulthood" there leaves are too sprawled out everywhere.) 

There were tiny leaves shyly coming forward that were too demure and withdrawn and end up turning into lettuce that isn't fully formed. 

Then there was the happy medium between the two: Leaves that were sprouting forward, but not as far or extreme and not as tiny and closed in. Those mature into the kind of lettuce we're looking to harvest ultimately. 

And it reminds me of "Who gets called on by God do enact 'big picture' spiritual things?" It's never based on gender, race, age, or even religion. It's always based on where someone is at as a soul. You need someone who is open and willing, but not overzealous and extreme. You also can't have someone who's undetermined or holds back from that path. The greatest kind of soul is one in acknowledged partnership with the divine who will humble themselves to listen to where they're being guided but will also be bold and lead when needed. 

The other understanding I gained was that plants -including lettuce, not just flowers -have the creative designs from God within them and therefore can be made beautiful and divine. It actually took me by surprise. Never underestimate God's ability to make something amazing. 


So I'm clearly being shown over and over: You are where you're meant to be and more life lessons are unfolding for you to understand so you can succeed on your path. 

The other thing I've come to understand is when you're in Heaven for whatever reason "evolving" spiritually to the next stage and the next progression takes a lot of time. You can be handed wisdom but until you have lived it out it's hard for people to grasp and have that kind of instinct built in. Like telling a child why eating vegetables is important when they are set on hating vegetables and loving candy. 

So coming to Earth is a way to live out Redemption more than anything. Every time and every way this life weighs you down and buries you under you are capable of overcoming and you ultimately overcome spiritually. Certain understandings then get ingrained in you. 

I think the lesson I'm trying to live so that I can learn is to not be so afraid. To find the balance between being bold/outgoing v. egotistical and being humble v. being shy/withdrawn/fearful. To TRUST more not just in God but also myself.