The downside to writing things months and months in between and then years apart is I can't keep track of what I've written and what I haven't. And when I think of all the things I know I haven't written down I get overwhelmed by how much there's been to say and I haven't had time to get to.
It definitely feels like we're going to start veering in head-on to the 'Great Shift" -which you can call The Final Coming, Revelations, or whatever. Everything is being made plain and simple, black and white, good and evil as clearly as possible so no one can be given any kind of mistaken excuse for ignorance. I think God is really trying to make it obvious to people where they're aligning that's out of alignment with good/grace/positivity/enlightenment/truth/kindness/humanity/divinity.
And you see people drawing a line in the sand for themselves over the stupidest things.
Political party affiliations blind people to blind allegiance without reasoning.
Gender.
Race.
Religion.
Everything that can be named as an excuse to divide from PEOPLE.
The failure to recognize people as being HUMAN.
A denial of that inherent Connection.
The wool is being pulled over peoples' eyes and then being made as plain to them as possible: "Hey you have some wool over your eyes."
And people either humble themselves and shift/change. Or they side with their own ego and drift further out to sea.
Either way I'm officially done with it all. I don't feel like being distracted by the things that can't overcome it all. I acknowledge the failure on our part to truly change everything -even within the next thousand years we would still hold ourselves back and only continue to give ourselves incremental upgrades in life. God is the only solution in the end because we are our own problem standing in the way of greater things God would have us know, be, and live out.
We are intended for freedom from the limitations created by Money.
We are intended to be freed from the limitations imposed by Power and Greed.
We are intended to experience Heaven here, but we wage too much Hell for reasons people will not divide from which causes Division itself to reign.
But God's going to come through for us soon. How soon "soon" is I go back and forth on. Sometimes I get concerned that I'm picking up on things too soon and that because of the momentous shift that will take place I perceive of it now rather than 50 years from now -especially since things are really gaining momentum. Other time I think within the next 10 years or so.
When stuff happens I get the sense life will actually be better off than it is now. A lot happier and lighter in general. We'll be going about our business thinking things have finally calmed down and prosperity is coming through when BAM!
Because if negative forces are going to make a move it would have to be when Heaven's light was finally starting to become sustained here and adopted in fully. It would be when we were least prepared and thought we'd gotten out of that kind of darkness.
From there I'm pretty sure no punches will be held back and things will get kind of insane. And it won't be just what we see occurring around us -there will be a DEEP feeling of anxiety and turbulence in the atmosphere around.
I'm also pretty sure things will happen in "waves". Just to help people adjust and take up whatever spiritual actions they can. People can start seeing things clearly and taking direct action rather than just avoiding that reality. What the waves will consist of is uncertain. I think locusts are out. More likely war will be the issue alongside some weird natural disasters.
Which reminds me that at some point I need to post about the latest dream I've had about all this. I've had about 4 dreams total in the past year or two about this situation and they've been pretty consistent and are starting to get clearer.
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Friday, September 14, 2018
Spiritual Theory: The Past is Back
There are one of two things happening here. Either we haven't fixed past issues and they're arising again -very transparently -so we can make another attempt at fixing them and/or we are sort of moving back in time to rewrite past wrongs and show how Heaven is being lived out in the present.
Basically I think we're back to the 1960s and possibly heading towards the 1940's -which given WW1 + WW2 should concern people.
First there's the pattern of instances from the past replaying in the present:
These are just a few of the ones I've noticed.
You can say on the basis of atheism that this is what happens when people don't learn from the past: It inevitably repeats itself until we do.
But given how similar and line -for-line some of these occurrences are and how they're happening simultaneously as they originally did around the 1960s... It just seems like there's more to it than that.
My bigger theory is that time has sort of shifted. We reached a kind of Axis and now we're going back to the beginning where everything ultimately merges back into ONE.
I've had a couple visions about this.
One dream I had was about Division. I don't remember it all very well, but it started with molecules/cells dividing and then evolved into man/women physically dividing and then people of difference races dividing and all the wars and divides throughout history to present day and each divide was like a rip of pain to the stomach as if your body were being severed in two.
Then I had a dream of the people around the world coming together in peace and then 2 great lights seen from outer-space looking at the globe occurring. The first was a vast expansion of light horizontally from the entire planet as a whole and the second was a light expanding out vertically. Then there was a huge burst of light and then everything was light.
I think ultimately we're meant to "let go" of "self" and being individualistic in carious forms and focusing on those forms and as we get closer to discovering internal light/life force we realize it's all sort of part of the same "Ocean". Light a drop of water merging into the sea. And that we're fragments of God. We're pieces of God's light. And we're meant to "return" to God in that way and be whole again by being united with God.
Just a theory...
Basically I think we're back to the 1960s and possibly heading towards the 1940's -which given WW1 + WW2 should concern people.
First there's the pattern of instances from the past replaying in the present:
These are just a few of the ones I've noticed.
You can say on the basis of atheism that this is what happens when people don't learn from the past: It inevitably repeats itself until we do.
But given how similar and line -for-line some of these occurrences are and how they're happening simultaneously as they originally did around the 1960s... It just seems like there's more to it than that.
My bigger theory is that time has sort of shifted. We reached a kind of Axis and now we're going back to the beginning where everything ultimately merges back into ONE.
I've had a couple visions about this.
One dream I had was about Division. I don't remember it all very well, but it started with molecules/cells dividing and then evolved into man/women physically dividing and then people of difference races dividing and all the wars and divides throughout history to present day and each divide was like a rip of pain to the stomach as if your body were being severed in two.
Then I had a dream of the people around the world coming together in peace and then 2 great lights seen from outer-space looking at the globe occurring. The first was a vast expansion of light horizontally from the entire planet as a whole and the second was a light expanding out vertically. Then there was a huge burst of light and then everything was light.
I think ultimately we're meant to "let go" of "self" and being individualistic in carious forms and focusing on those forms and as we get closer to discovering internal light/life force we realize it's all sort of part of the same "Ocean". Light a drop of water merging into the sea. And that we're fragments of God. We're pieces of God's light. And we're meant to "return" to God in that way and be whole again by being united with God.
Just a theory...
Thursday, May 3, 2018
How to Master Situations and Life
Part 1: Physical Struggle
God will lead you to build up a kind of physical endurance towards pain, discomfort, and limitation.
In Life: This was my younger years climbing everything and running around freely until energy started to fail me and I started to get bogged down by thought and "staying put" all the time. By high school running was a rare chore I wanted to avoid. I became stagnant for about 2 decades. Then this past year things shifted and changed finally because I was ready to take charge and get back in touch with Body.
Current Situation: I work a pretty physically demanding job. And when I first started I was very gung-ho about taking on the aspects of the job that are a lot more physically demanding -and I did it well. Then I realized I didn't need to prove to myself or others that I could do those things because I KNEW I could, and I let go and shifted into doing more of a balanced variety of things. But then I struggled with:
-Getting sick and going to work anyway (which didn't exactly consist of sitting in a cubicle all day).
-Aches and pains from all the work
-Being on my period while running around and being active
-Being physically tired AND spiritually drained
-Not being physical capable of doing certain tasks and learning my limitations
But I was mostly able to handle it all. Prayer was everything. God is healing. Non of the struggles lasted forever.
Part 2: Mental Struggle
God will lead you to build up a kind of mental endurance towards mental health issues, doubts, negative thought patterns, limitations, perfectionism, and overthinking.
In Life: This was the years from High School to when I was 25 and finally realized I'd delved too far into mind and had lost sight of soul. I tried to CONTROL everything mentally and couldn't -which just led to frustration and anxiety. So I understood there needed to be more balance and more letting go.
Current Situation: When I first took my job, there was a LOT to learn and memorize -including different names of plants (greenhouse tech), tracking inventory of packages and produce as it's being collected, different measuring amounts for the seeding process... A LOT. But my 2 biggest struggles were Perfectionism and Mental Health.
For perfectionism: I kept messing up the total count of lettuce heads collected and put into boxes (sometimes in the amount of around 30 boxes with 12 heads per box keeping track of which sections of the facility they came from). I was always off by 3 or 4 heads. Then I let go. After an embarrassing attempt of creating a mathematical system for tracking that didn't work: I LET GO. And the weird part was, once i accepted that I was probably going to be off and not keep perfect count, I never missed another head. I haven't missed a single one since I consciously made that shift.
Current Situation: We have a walkin-freezer where we keep the produce and 15 different kinds of microgreens that are collected and need to be packaged every morning. It takes about 2 to 4 hours to package all the microgreens -especially if there is an order for bulk amounts of them that needs to be boxed up and collected. Being in a FREEZER for over 2 hours is a nightmare. At one point my body started registering that it was freezing to death -which felt like drowning in a box of cold air. I tried taking a 5 minute break. I tried praying to God infinitely. I failed. I was "broken" for the next couple hours after leaving the walkin and at one point couldn't mentally figure out how to use a microwave in the office I had used every day.
But I was determined to overcome.
So God led me back to the freezer about a week later. I bundled up and got in there and knocked things out in an hour and a half. My team lead actual said, "Wow, you smashed it!" It felt great KNOWING that I could handle not just the physical issues, but the mental reaction I had to the physical problem.
Then there's the other kind of mental health issue I had to contend with more frequently: Feeling stressed, exhausted, and overworked. I realized I had built up anxiety around every task I did throughout the day because I was trying to rush through to get out on time and make it to the next task. So I started slowing down and staying present: "I am cutting strips of micro-green cloth." "I am washing my hands". "I am sanitizing this strainer". I would staying physically and mentally focused on just what i was doing in that moment and let go of worrying about and trying to control everything mentally.
Acknowledging mental health ans actively taking steps to figure out your limitations and how to contend with things is essential.
Part 3: Emotional Struggle
God will lead you to build up a kind of emotional endurance towards pain, disappointment, negativity on a global scale, and relational issues with others.
I have experienced a kind of breakthrough emotionally with regards to the way I handle things that has deepened my maturity and helped me understand that because God never leaves me I can take on all the roller-coaster emotional pains this world can inflict.
In Life: This was my teenage years into college years. I am STILL amazed at people who Don't commit suicide while others sit their wondering why anyone does. I was sooooooo close to that edge. And I thought the sorrow was beautiful and actually couldn't imagine living in happiness in any way. I considered happiness a part of my childhood and my past and something that was just Gone. But the bigger realization for me was that I was ANGRY. I always knew I was sad and pained by life's disappointments and abuses, but the ANGER was something that didn't really come out until I was around 19. And a lot of it revolved around resentment.
But I learned to let go, forgive, and make peace with: The past, people, situations, and pain.
Current Situation: There's a lot I've contended with emotionally/psychologically here:
1 Sexual Harrasment
2 NPR
3 Friend Breaking Up
4 Working under supervisor
1. I'd never had to contend with sexual harassment until I started working at the place I'm at now. And it wasn't just me. This one guy out of the 15 or so we work around harassed EVERY woman there -except one who I'm pretty sure would have beat him to a pulp. The strange thing was how much other women noticed it and we creeped out by it but were also just kind of "used to it". I told my friend/.co-worker that it was my first time dealing with that sort of thing and she said, "I'm used to it". I guess her second job had a lot of those sorts of issues.
But it made me deeply uncomfortable, made me try to avoid him and made conversations with him next to impossible to navigate through. and on top of that I had to figure out whether to come forward or not and where I personally drew that line. It puts you in a shitty position of deciding whether you think this person deserves to get Fired over their conduct. And you ask yourself, "Was it that bad? What would other people say if I wrote everything he's said to us down on paper? Would they think it was harassment?" And I KNEW that a line had verbally been WELL crossed and actually feared one of the managers (who has 3 daughters of his own) might actually harm him physically if he found out. But he never touched anyone or physically harmed anyone. And I decided that was my line unless other women decided they wanted to call him out on things at which point I would put in my 2 cents. So I didn't say anything.
And I knew he would get fired for one reason or another at some point -either for that or a lot of other things he did that were an issue and so I'm glad he's gone now and it immediately felt more free and less confined working there. But all of this had to be made peace with and navigated through emotionally and spiritually.
2. I hate NPR. I hate it.
It's very "white" -which is weird to say that about a radio news show, but it IS. And maybe it's subtle for people that haven't seen history play out in present day, but I'll lay this one out. Back in Imperialistic times, European countries would gather artifacts (and in some instances native people) and display them in a "fascinating" way to other Europeans to look at and try to intellectually understand. When a predominantly white group of interviewers talks to people of other races/cultures about their racial/cultural experiences it's using White as default to intellectually examine "otherness". NPR does that ALL the time. It makes me uncomfortable as a white person to listen to those interviews knowing this sort of historical residue is carrying on.
My other complaints:
-You can't say you're "unbiased" and taking on "multiple perspectives" and then give credence to bigotry while claiming to be informative. Here's how it goes: "We acknowledge racism is bad, and we would STUDY the KKK and why it exists, but at no point would we interview a racist to legitimately take racism into consideration as a possible perspective to live out. In other news, let's debate homophobia. In other news, let's debate xenophobia. Let's legitimately give voice to and equalize the ideologies of Bigots."
-It HURTS having to listen to apathetic, emotionally- detached people go over why a serial rapist wasn't brought to to justice because of our obviously failing justice system. It HURTS having to listen to issues pertaining to sexual assault and rape out of nowhere while you're trying to to work seeding arugula knowing ALL of the men who have sexually abused and harmed your friends and family members and have never and likely will never be brought to justice. It's hard enough going online and hearing all the #MeToo movement stories -knowing you have plenty of your own to add to the pile -and then listen to the indifferent tones of news reporters going over statistics. It HURTS.
-Walking into work at 6am to hear, "Today 20 children were killed in a suicide bombing in Syria... and now for some light Jazz music." How can you tell the news that indifferently AND act like it's of relevance? Either the story's inmportant and warrants more discussion or it's not and might as well not be mentioned. Choose.
-Lastly (even though there's more) you miss things Visually in terms of clarity in understanding when you just listen to seemingly random news updates. NPR will tell you -at nauseum- that 2 black men were kicked out of Starbucks. They will interview a Starbucks executive, they will interview protesters outside of that Starbucks 3 days later, they will tell you about a news conference going over the "incident"... But then there's all they fail to tell you in their attempt at being "impartial" during a clearly racist occurrence.
They'll fail to tell you that this happened a couple days before the 2 -not one, but two -Waffle House instances that occurred in different states but led to harm being laid out against black people unjustly. They'll fail to tell you about Kanye West saying days later that slavery was a choice. They'll fail to tell you about people defending Bill Cosby as innocent because he's black and they genuinely believe white women were conspiring against him. They fail at laying out PATTERNS, simultaneous events that are representative of our cultural climate, and just plainly calling out something as "Yes stupid, kicking 2 guys out of a Starbucks who were waiting for a friend because they were black is RACIST." They waste people's time debating news as if it was negotiable and needed to be fleshed out in great detail when it's that obvious. AND they don't show you the video so you can see with your own 2 eyes this incident playing out.
I hate NPR.
But my co-worker Max loves it.
So it comes on all the time and I try to make peace with its redundancy and inefficiency and apathy... I struggle some days but other days I make peace. Or I put on my headphones and listen to music.
3. My Friend "Breaking Up" With Me
I didn't quiet know the right phrase to use because it feels like a break-up but it's not that kid of relationship so... yah.
After being friends for almost a year and feeling as close as sisters, she grew distant all of the sudden for a good week or two and then just started avoiding me. No talk or closure on WHY, just "It's done" with no words. And I knew she'd regret it and I knew I needed to make peace, move on, and let go. But I wasn't expecting to feel so FREED by having it end. I was depressed and saddened for the first couple days, but then realized: "I don't have to gossip anymore." We had to devolved into talking mostly about people people people because that's all she seemed fixated on and I was getting sick of it. I wanted to talk about greater things. I didn't want to hear the drama and the bull shit and the noise. So I understood that we had "outgrown" each other in some ways and just needed to move on.
But we work together. And although I made my peace and was feeling good about life, she acted like a gunslinger hiding behind corners shooting me dirty looks. And that was different. I tried helping her out with work a couple of times and she acted like i had some alterior motive or was going to stab her in the back. So I just gave her more space, respected her desire to be apart, and enjoyed my freedom without her popping up much on my radar. When you start friendships/relationships with people in the Knowing that they don't belong to you and have every right to be who they are and do their own thing -it's easier to accept when they don't want you in their life anymore for whatever reason.
And I can appreciate why we were brought into each other's lives originally and how spiritually intended for it was. I've learned fro her and grown as a person because of her positive influence and I know she's changed in the same ways because of me.
4. Working Under One of My Supervisors
This was actually the hardest emotional pain to contend with and is actually the reason I felt compelled to blog/write it out. I actually wrote everything that happened yesterday on 5 sheets of paper in case I feel like giving it to my second supervisor that I have no issues with. Yesterday was my "lowest day" at work in spite of everything else. In spite of every other pain, issue, NPR, all of it.
Yesterday evening I wallowed for a good 5 hours in deep pain and sadness and debated quitting, debated crying, and debated throwing up. And I realized all of it had to do with this one supervisor I've had trouble with for months because his leadership skills SUCK.
I can take whatever issues there are between us and even the fact that he may dislike me or even want me to quit or leave -that's fine. But what hurts is when the TEAM we've worked so hard and I've prayed so hard and God has endeavored so hard to bring together gets UNDERMINED.
People have threatened to quit. People are starting to quit. And being tone deaf and out-of-the-loop on listening to people is starting to take its toll. One supervisor leads WITH the group and has let us work as a team in the legitimate sense of the word. The other delegates and imposes a hierarchy system that's condescending and not needed.
And he isn't a bad person. He is generally a positive guy that's just a little out of touch. But there have been days when my co-workers and ME have wanted to yell him out.
So when they hired a new girl yesterday and she started working after last week a guy who had been here only a month put in his 2 weeks, it made me wonder what the point of hiring anyone was or why any of us should be there is we were going to get treated that lowly.
I consider the work that I'm doing there non-profit work (especially since I'm getting paid less than I did when I worked at an actual non profit and the work itself is pretty thankless). I'm there because I'm meant to be and God and I are trying to bring about greater things for that space, those people, and that company. I don't need this shit. And yet God is leading me through it and helping me heal from it.
Because when you've been through ALL and EVERYTHING in a place like that and then get made to feel like you're expendable -it hurts.
Part 4: Spiritual Struggle
God will lead you to build up a kind of spiritual endurance towards pain, darkness, and negativity in every form.
In Life: Spirituality underlies it ALL. What manifests physically/emotionally/mentally in terms of pain are just the shots in the dark fired from Hell to wound or soul to attack God. It's not new.
And we we become in terms of our resiliency to the darkness and pain is who we genuinely are as a Soul.
And so in spite of everything:
You need to Forgive people for not knowing who they are, let alone what they do, and let alone the impact they're having on your life.
You need to Acknowledge the pains and the wounds and the cuts and the aches of your body and actively try to heal them because we're not made of stone.
You need to Recognize that your mind and mental health aren't impervious to issues and your cup can start to overflow if you don't take head and bring calm and peace back into your mentality.
You need to Be in Peace because we're just dominoes sometimes in this life trapped between God and a hard place and darkness is going to get through, wreak havoc, and cause pain wherever it can in whatever ways it can.
God will lead you to build up a kind of physical endurance towards pain, discomfort, and limitation.
In Life: This was my younger years climbing everything and running around freely until energy started to fail me and I started to get bogged down by thought and "staying put" all the time. By high school running was a rare chore I wanted to avoid. I became stagnant for about 2 decades. Then this past year things shifted and changed finally because I was ready to take charge and get back in touch with Body.
Current Situation: I work a pretty physically demanding job. And when I first started I was very gung-ho about taking on the aspects of the job that are a lot more physically demanding -and I did it well. Then I realized I didn't need to prove to myself or others that I could do those things because I KNEW I could, and I let go and shifted into doing more of a balanced variety of things. But then I struggled with:
-Getting sick and going to work anyway (which didn't exactly consist of sitting in a cubicle all day).
-Aches and pains from all the work
-Being on my period while running around and being active
-Being physically tired AND spiritually drained
-Not being physical capable of doing certain tasks and learning my limitations
But I was mostly able to handle it all. Prayer was everything. God is healing. Non of the struggles lasted forever.
Part 2: Mental Struggle
God will lead you to build up a kind of mental endurance towards mental health issues, doubts, negative thought patterns, limitations, perfectionism, and overthinking.
In Life: This was the years from High School to when I was 25 and finally realized I'd delved too far into mind and had lost sight of soul. I tried to CONTROL everything mentally and couldn't -which just led to frustration and anxiety. So I understood there needed to be more balance and more letting go.
Current Situation: When I first took my job, there was a LOT to learn and memorize -including different names of plants (greenhouse tech), tracking inventory of packages and produce as it's being collected, different measuring amounts for the seeding process... A LOT. But my 2 biggest struggles were Perfectionism and Mental Health.
For perfectionism: I kept messing up the total count of lettuce heads collected and put into boxes (sometimes in the amount of around 30 boxes with 12 heads per box keeping track of which sections of the facility they came from). I was always off by 3 or 4 heads. Then I let go. After an embarrassing attempt of creating a mathematical system for tracking that didn't work: I LET GO. And the weird part was, once i accepted that I was probably going to be off and not keep perfect count, I never missed another head. I haven't missed a single one since I consciously made that shift.
Current Situation: We have a walkin-freezer where we keep the produce and 15 different kinds of microgreens that are collected and need to be packaged every morning. It takes about 2 to 4 hours to package all the microgreens -especially if there is an order for bulk amounts of them that needs to be boxed up and collected. Being in a FREEZER for over 2 hours is a nightmare. At one point my body started registering that it was freezing to death -which felt like drowning in a box of cold air. I tried taking a 5 minute break. I tried praying to God infinitely. I failed. I was "broken" for the next couple hours after leaving the walkin and at one point couldn't mentally figure out how to use a microwave in the office I had used every day.
But I was determined to overcome.
So God led me back to the freezer about a week later. I bundled up and got in there and knocked things out in an hour and a half. My team lead actual said, "Wow, you smashed it!" It felt great KNOWING that I could handle not just the physical issues, but the mental reaction I had to the physical problem.
Then there's the other kind of mental health issue I had to contend with more frequently: Feeling stressed, exhausted, and overworked. I realized I had built up anxiety around every task I did throughout the day because I was trying to rush through to get out on time and make it to the next task. So I started slowing down and staying present: "I am cutting strips of micro-green cloth." "I am washing my hands". "I am sanitizing this strainer". I would staying physically and mentally focused on just what i was doing in that moment and let go of worrying about and trying to control everything mentally.
Acknowledging mental health ans actively taking steps to figure out your limitations and how to contend with things is essential.
Part 3: Emotional Struggle
God will lead you to build up a kind of emotional endurance towards pain, disappointment, negativity on a global scale, and relational issues with others.
I have experienced a kind of breakthrough emotionally with regards to the way I handle things that has deepened my maturity and helped me understand that because God never leaves me I can take on all the roller-coaster emotional pains this world can inflict.
In Life: This was my teenage years into college years. I am STILL amazed at people who Don't commit suicide while others sit their wondering why anyone does. I was sooooooo close to that edge. And I thought the sorrow was beautiful and actually couldn't imagine living in happiness in any way. I considered happiness a part of my childhood and my past and something that was just Gone. But the bigger realization for me was that I was ANGRY. I always knew I was sad and pained by life's disappointments and abuses, but the ANGER was something that didn't really come out until I was around 19. And a lot of it revolved around resentment.
But I learned to let go, forgive, and make peace with: The past, people, situations, and pain.
Current Situation: There's a lot I've contended with emotionally/psychologically here:
1 Sexual Harrasment
2 NPR
3 Friend Breaking Up
4 Working under supervisor
1. I'd never had to contend with sexual harassment until I started working at the place I'm at now. And it wasn't just me. This one guy out of the 15 or so we work around harassed EVERY woman there -except one who I'm pretty sure would have beat him to a pulp. The strange thing was how much other women noticed it and we creeped out by it but were also just kind of "used to it". I told my friend/.co-worker that it was my first time dealing with that sort of thing and she said, "I'm used to it". I guess her second job had a lot of those sorts of issues.
But it made me deeply uncomfortable, made me try to avoid him and made conversations with him next to impossible to navigate through. and on top of that I had to figure out whether to come forward or not and where I personally drew that line. It puts you in a shitty position of deciding whether you think this person deserves to get Fired over their conduct. And you ask yourself, "Was it that bad? What would other people say if I wrote everything he's said to us down on paper? Would they think it was harassment?" And I KNEW that a line had verbally been WELL crossed and actually feared one of the managers (who has 3 daughters of his own) might actually harm him physically if he found out. But he never touched anyone or physically harmed anyone. And I decided that was my line unless other women decided they wanted to call him out on things at which point I would put in my 2 cents. So I didn't say anything.
And I knew he would get fired for one reason or another at some point -either for that or a lot of other things he did that were an issue and so I'm glad he's gone now and it immediately felt more free and less confined working there. But all of this had to be made peace with and navigated through emotionally and spiritually.
2. I hate NPR. I hate it.
It's very "white" -which is weird to say that about a radio news show, but it IS. And maybe it's subtle for people that haven't seen history play out in present day, but I'll lay this one out. Back in Imperialistic times, European countries would gather artifacts (and in some instances native people) and display them in a "fascinating" way to other Europeans to look at and try to intellectually understand. When a predominantly white group of interviewers talks to people of other races/cultures about their racial/cultural experiences it's using White as default to intellectually examine "otherness". NPR does that ALL the time. It makes me uncomfortable as a white person to listen to those interviews knowing this sort of historical residue is carrying on.
My other complaints:
-You can't say you're "unbiased" and taking on "multiple perspectives" and then give credence to bigotry while claiming to be informative. Here's how it goes: "We acknowledge racism is bad, and we would STUDY the KKK and why it exists, but at no point would we interview a racist to legitimately take racism into consideration as a possible perspective to live out. In other news, let's debate homophobia. In other news, let's debate xenophobia. Let's legitimately give voice to and equalize the ideologies of Bigots."
-It HURTS having to listen to apathetic, emotionally- detached people go over why a serial rapist wasn't brought to to justice because of our obviously failing justice system. It HURTS having to listen to issues pertaining to sexual assault and rape out of nowhere while you're trying to to work seeding arugula knowing ALL of the men who have sexually abused and harmed your friends and family members and have never and likely will never be brought to justice. It's hard enough going online and hearing all the #MeToo movement stories -knowing you have plenty of your own to add to the pile -and then listen to the indifferent tones of news reporters going over statistics. It HURTS.
-Walking into work at 6am to hear, "Today 20 children were killed in a suicide bombing in Syria... and now for some light Jazz music." How can you tell the news that indifferently AND act like it's of relevance? Either the story's inmportant and warrants more discussion or it's not and might as well not be mentioned. Choose.
-Lastly (even though there's more) you miss things Visually in terms of clarity in understanding when you just listen to seemingly random news updates. NPR will tell you -at nauseum- that 2 black men were kicked out of Starbucks. They will interview a Starbucks executive, they will interview protesters outside of that Starbucks 3 days later, they will tell you about a news conference going over the "incident"... But then there's all they fail to tell you in their attempt at being "impartial" during a clearly racist occurrence.
They'll fail to tell you that this happened a couple days before the 2 -not one, but two -Waffle House instances that occurred in different states but led to harm being laid out against black people unjustly. They'll fail to tell you about Kanye West saying days later that slavery was a choice. They'll fail to tell you about people defending Bill Cosby as innocent because he's black and they genuinely believe white women were conspiring against him. They fail at laying out PATTERNS, simultaneous events that are representative of our cultural climate, and just plainly calling out something as "Yes stupid, kicking 2 guys out of a Starbucks who were waiting for a friend because they were black is RACIST." They waste people's time debating news as if it was negotiable and needed to be fleshed out in great detail when it's that obvious. AND they don't show you the video so you can see with your own 2 eyes this incident playing out.
I hate NPR.
But my co-worker Max loves it.
So it comes on all the time and I try to make peace with its redundancy and inefficiency and apathy... I struggle some days but other days I make peace. Or I put on my headphones and listen to music.
3. My Friend "Breaking Up" With Me
I didn't quiet know the right phrase to use because it feels like a break-up but it's not that kid of relationship so... yah.
After being friends for almost a year and feeling as close as sisters, she grew distant all of the sudden for a good week or two and then just started avoiding me. No talk or closure on WHY, just "It's done" with no words. And I knew she'd regret it and I knew I needed to make peace, move on, and let go. But I wasn't expecting to feel so FREED by having it end. I was depressed and saddened for the first couple days, but then realized: "I don't have to gossip anymore." We had to devolved into talking mostly about people people people because that's all she seemed fixated on and I was getting sick of it. I wanted to talk about greater things. I didn't want to hear the drama and the bull shit and the noise. So I understood that we had "outgrown" each other in some ways and just needed to move on.
But we work together. And although I made my peace and was feeling good about life, she acted like a gunslinger hiding behind corners shooting me dirty looks. And that was different. I tried helping her out with work a couple of times and she acted like i had some alterior motive or was going to stab her in the back. So I just gave her more space, respected her desire to be apart, and enjoyed my freedom without her popping up much on my radar. When you start friendships/relationships with people in the Knowing that they don't belong to you and have every right to be who they are and do their own thing -it's easier to accept when they don't want you in their life anymore for whatever reason.
And I can appreciate why we were brought into each other's lives originally and how spiritually intended for it was. I've learned fro her and grown as a person because of her positive influence and I know she's changed in the same ways because of me.
4. Working Under One of My Supervisors
This was actually the hardest emotional pain to contend with and is actually the reason I felt compelled to blog/write it out. I actually wrote everything that happened yesterday on 5 sheets of paper in case I feel like giving it to my second supervisor that I have no issues with. Yesterday was my "lowest day" at work in spite of everything else. In spite of every other pain, issue, NPR, all of it.
Yesterday evening I wallowed for a good 5 hours in deep pain and sadness and debated quitting, debated crying, and debated throwing up. And I realized all of it had to do with this one supervisor I've had trouble with for months because his leadership skills SUCK.
I can take whatever issues there are between us and even the fact that he may dislike me or even want me to quit or leave -that's fine. But what hurts is when the TEAM we've worked so hard and I've prayed so hard and God has endeavored so hard to bring together gets UNDERMINED.
People have threatened to quit. People are starting to quit. And being tone deaf and out-of-the-loop on listening to people is starting to take its toll. One supervisor leads WITH the group and has let us work as a team in the legitimate sense of the word. The other delegates and imposes a hierarchy system that's condescending and not needed.
And he isn't a bad person. He is generally a positive guy that's just a little out of touch. But there have been days when my co-workers and ME have wanted to yell him out.
So when they hired a new girl yesterday and she started working after last week a guy who had been here only a month put in his 2 weeks, it made me wonder what the point of hiring anyone was or why any of us should be there is we were going to get treated that lowly.
I consider the work that I'm doing there non-profit work (especially since I'm getting paid less than I did when I worked at an actual non profit and the work itself is pretty thankless). I'm there because I'm meant to be and God and I are trying to bring about greater things for that space, those people, and that company. I don't need this shit. And yet God is leading me through it and helping me heal from it.
Because when you've been through ALL and EVERYTHING in a place like that and then get made to feel like you're expendable -it hurts.
Part 4: Spiritual Struggle
God will lead you to build up a kind of spiritual endurance towards pain, darkness, and negativity in every form.
In Life: Spirituality underlies it ALL. What manifests physically/emotionally/mentally in terms of pain are just the shots in the dark fired from Hell to wound or soul to attack God. It's not new.
And we we become in terms of our resiliency to the darkness and pain is who we genuinely are as a Soul.
And so in spite of everything:
You need to Forgive people for not knowing who they are, let alone what they do, and let alone the impact they're having on your life.
You need to Acknowledge the pains and the wounds and the cuts and the aches of your body and actively try to heal them because we're not made of stone.
You need to Recognize that your mind and mental health aren't impervious to issues and your cup can start to overflow if you don't take head and bring calm and peace back into your mentality.
You need to Be in Peace because we're just dominoes sometimes in this life trapped between God and a hard place and darkness is going to get through, wreak havoc, and cause pain wherever it can in whatever ways it can.
Thursday, April 5, 2018
Spring -A New Time in a New Age
So many things have happened in the past 4 months. I should probably cover the "bigger picture" shifts in the world first though.
#1 The Rise of Women
There has been a lot of emphasis on MARY. The sense that I get is Jesus wants to honor Mary as God wants to honor the Feminine aspect of self. This is one of the reasons things like the #MeToo movement are holding strong. It's been culminating. People have been getting clearer and clearer on the acknowledgement of women's autonomy, freedom, humanity, and power. There is now a desire the world over for the wellbeing of women to be taken into as deep a consideration as it is for men.
#2 The Accumulation + Gathering of Cultures
In this new time it is important for people to collectively draw from Multiple sources of spiritual strength that derive from God. The "good" that can be found in many cultures -including throughout time and some that are from ancient periods -will become more and more essential. Each culture has its own kind of medicine and emphasis placed on significant things. Try to connect to the essence of different cultures -especially those that pop up in your life over and over again.
#3 People Being "Covered"
This might not seem like it right now since there are still old pains from previous generations and times playing out in our every day world. Things like racial violence in particular are ramping up and people of different backgrounds are being led to suffering. This will reach its head at some point too and the line will hold and people will stand their ground and force change to occur so more and more people become protected.
My faith in older generations wavers. I've met some people over 40 years old that are Very woke and cognizant of issues that effect the lives of other people. Then I've met others that Think that's where they're at but give-way to blind-spots where they don't see or understand the lives of certain people and the way they're disconnected from them. Even some enlightened people I know suffer by faint hints of homophobia and racism from time to time.
But this younger generation -in part because of the honesty they've shared with regard to their sufferings -have already bled together and have a refusal towards separation and division. They are far less tainted by the influences of the past and a more susceptible to the NEW wave of influence Heaven is having on people trying to lead them to greater and greater things. they understand solidarity is Necessity. That survival will come most swiftly when we stand up for one another and don't back down to fear. When we cover one another in that way God is able to do the same Through us.
#4 Paralleling = Empathizing and Gaining By Others
When I synchronize with other people or see them doing the same with others, it means first off that we're spiritually connected. It's also God leading people to directly empathize with others. With this comes a warning: DO NOT BURN BRIDGES WITH OTHERS OR WISH THEM HARM/NEGATIVITY. Do as much unto others as you would yourself as possible. Extend patience and understanding. If you have discord with others it will manifest in your life and you'll go through the same thing. On the plus side we are also then capable of Gaining by one another. Look for family connections with friends and even strangers and try to bond with as many people in a genuine way as you can. We gain strength and abundance through family.
#Being "Esoteric"
This is actually one of my longest struggles and pains. At some point you realize you aren't going to be able to explain everything to people or have them understand you. People won't get where you're coming from and they'll think you're "weird". The benefit of the internet is being able to align to and follow those who are on the same path or are even ahead of you. We're all walking in the same direction but some people have gone off-roading or are sidetracked and don't understand the view you are trying to explain to them from on top of the mountain miles ahead of where they're at. It sucks. It sucks because you want better for people and it sucks because you feel left out in the rain. It gets lonely.
This is another reason to draw near to God -who knows you as a soul perfectly and is leading to greater truths and revelations for a reason. Draw from the spiritual family of Heaven when the one here on earth starts to wear thin.
#Width + Depth
The best metaphor I can come up with is a swimming pool. The cement for the pool has to be dug out wide. The pool is ultimately meant to mimic the ocean so the wider out it is the better. It's hard to swim in a straight, narrow channel. The pool is also desired to be deep. The deeper the better. More SPACE.
And people are the same. When people come from a place of Love and being talkative, personable, and friendly they extend in Width. But in terms of understanding and intellect they can sometimes be bigoted or short-sited leading their love to only be extend to those immediately around them that they are connected to. It's not exactly a love for humanity as a whole.
By the other token, when people come from a place of Peace, they can achieve great intellect, understanding, and clarity of thought/vision. But they can devolve into treating reality like a concept. One of the reasons I hate NPR and can't stand to listen to it and similar news stations is the Indifference in Tone. "12 people were killed today in a train accident..." They can rattle of reality as fact alone and there is no sense of peace, compassionate caring, or empathy being extended. It severs from soul in that way.
There needs to be more width -do be "in the mud" of trying to connect to and love people in spite of their inevitable darknesses and short comings. A BALANCE between being love and understanding grace. That link between mind and soul.
And so God will lead the quiet, muted, socially awkward kid to be a Leader of a group. And God will lead the loud-mouthed, gossipy, take-charge person to reflect alone and silently make artwork. These shifts are essential in the growing of a soul. Just as plants need water AND light and never just one or the other.
#1 The Rise of Women
There has been a lot of emphasis on MARY. The sense that I get is Jesus wants to honor Mary as God wants to honor the Feminine aspect of self. This is one of the reasons things like the #MeToo movement are holding strong. It's been culminating. People have been getting clearer and clearer on the acknowledgement of women's autonomy, freedom, humanity, and power. There is now a desire the world over for the wellbeing of women to be taken into as deep a consideration as it is for men.
#2 The Accumulation + Gathering of Cultures
In this new time it is important for people to collectively draw from Multiple sources of spiritual strength that derive from God. The "good" that can be found in many cultures -including throughout time and some that are from ancient periods -will become more and more essential. Each culture has its own kind of medicine and emphasis placed on significant things. Try to connect to the essence of different cultures -especially those that pop up in your life over and over again.
#3 People Being "Covered"
This might not seem like it right now since there are still old pains from previous generations and times playing out in our every day world. Things like racial violence in particular are ramping up and people of different backgrounds are being led to suffering. This will reach its head at some point too and the line will hold and people will stand their ground and force change to occur so more and more people become protected.
My faith in older generations wavers. I've met some people over 40 years old that are Very woke and cognizant of issues that effect the lives of other people. Then I've met others that Think that's where they're at but give-way to blind-spots where they don't see or understand the lives of certain people and the way they're disconnected from them. Even some enlightened people I know suffer by faint hints of homophobia and racism from time to time.
But this younger generation -in part because of the honesty they've shared with regard to their sufferings -have already bled together and have a refusal towards separation and division. They are far less tainted by the influences of the past and a more susceptible to the NEW wave of influence Heaven is having on people trying to lead them to greater and greater things. they understand solidarity is Necessity. That survival will come most swiftly when we stand up for one another and don't back down to fear. When we cover one another in that way God is able to do the same Through us.
#4 Paralleling = Empathizing and Gaining By Others
When I synchronize with other people or see them doing the same with others, it means first off that we're spiritually connected. It's also God leading people to directly empathize with others. With this comes a warning: DO NOT BURN BRIDGES WITH OTHERS OR WISH THEM HARM/NEGATIVITY. Do as much unto others as you would yourself as possible. Extend patience and understanding. If you have discord with others it will manifest in your life and you'll go through the same thing. On the plus side we are also then capable of Gaining by one another. Look for family connections with friends and even strangers and try to bond with as many people in a genuine way as you can. We gain strength and abundance through family.
#Being "Esoteric"
This is actually one of my longest struggles and pains. At some point you realize you aren't going to be able to explain everything to people or have them understand you. People won't get where you're coming from and they'll think you're "weird". The benefit of the internet is being able to align to and follow those who are on the same path or are even ahead of you. We're all walking in the same direction but some people have gone off-roading or are sidetracked and don't understand the view you are trying to explain to them from on top of the mountain miles ahead of where they're at. It sucks. It sucks because you want better for people and it sucks because you feel left out in the rain. It gets lonely.
This is another reason to draw near to God -who knows you as a soul perfectly and is leading to greater truths and revelations for a reason. Draw from the spiritual family of Heaven when the one here on earth starts to wear thin.
#Width + Depth
The best metaphor I can come up with is a swimming pool. The cement for the pool has to be dug out wide. The pool is ultimately meant to mimic the ocean so the wider out it is the better. It's hard to swim in a straight, narrow channel. The pool is also desired to be deep. The deeper the better. More SPACE.
And people are the same. When people come from a place of Love and being talkative, personable, and friendly they extend in Width. But in terms of understanding and intellect they can sometimes be bigoted or short-sited leading their love to only be extend to those immediately around them that they are connected to. It's not exactly a love for humanity as a whole.
By the other token, when people come from a place of Peace, they can achieve great intellect, understanding, and clarity of thought/vision. But they can devolve into treating reality like a concept. One of the reasons I hate NPR and can't stand to listen to it and similar news stations is the Indifference in Tone. "12 people were killed today in a train accident..." They can rattle of reality as fact alone and there is no sense of peace, compassionate caring, or empathy being extended. It severs from soul in that way.
There needs to be more width -do be "in the mud" of trying to connect to and love people in spite of their inevitable darknesses and short comings. A BALANCE between being love and understanding grace. That link between mind and soul.
And so God will lead the quiet, muted, socially awkward kid to be a Leader of a group. And God will lead the loud-mouthed, gossipy, take-charge person to reflect alone and silently make artwork. These shifts are essential in the growing of a soul. Just as plants need water AND light and never just one or the other.
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