Monday, June 30, 2014

Ghost -Experience -Intense

The ghost activity has been ramping up since last Thursday (it's Monday now).

It is really really really hard to combat something spiritually in general, but especially when you're feeling tired because it's the middle of the night and even frightened. You're mostly giving yourself a pep talk trying to convince yourself it's not that frightening.

Saturday night started to roll around. 9pm. In bed. Loud cracks on the walls -not the nice snapping like before, but larger banging cracks. Intense feeling of energy filling the entire room like a wave about to crash over you. And then 2 things happened. 

The first was the feeling of an arm rising up from the mattress under me -on my back. This scared the sh*t out of me. I jolted up and looked at the sheets and thought, "It's not possible for something to rise from within the mattress up through the surface like that." 

So at that point I started making a game plan -If things don't quiet down I'll go to my dad's house. It's like my safety, backup place to go.

I kept telling myself, "I ask the holy spirit to come in me and protect me. I ask my guardian angels to protect me. This does not belong to me, send it back 10,000 fold with clear intent." 

Then the last straw hit. I was feeling the pokes and touches along my arm and trying to ignore it. Then "plop!" The entity sat right down on the mattress beside my legs. It was as if someone out of thin air just sat down and depressed the sheets. 

I actually yelled, "Hey!" and got up immediately from the bed. I packed my stuff and went to my dad's. I slept on the couch downstairs. I could feel the entity trying to make its presence felt, but for whatever reason it didn't stay. I think it was my cat. My cat was laying by my head on the couch.

Last night I was getting ready for bed and I thought, "What if things happen again? What the heck am I going to do?" So I kind of decided right then that I'd just kind of give up, not battle the thing, and let whatever happens happen. I still did my nightly routine of praying to God -The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. And my Guardian Angels. I asked them to protect me and keep this demon/entity away.

So I started listening to some peaceful music and the ghost as usual started making noises and touching my legs and arms. Then I reached this state where I just felt very peaceful. So I thought, "I Am Peace. I Am Light. I Am Grace." And I just tried radiating that energy out. And another thought occurred to me: "Doesn't this entity want peace? That's all anybody wants. Just to lie down the sword and subside in peace." So I asked it in my thoughts as I was trying to radiate energy out -"Don't you want peace? Let's stop all this and just find peace."

Initially it did dissipate. There was a notable difference and it did seem to keep it away. That faded as the night went but again I saw that not begin frightened or aggressive and instead embodying a peaceful, respectful state gets me further ahead when trying to keep this thing away.

Then around 10pm something unusual happened. My eyes were closed and I was laying off to the side. Normally when the entity comes around a "shadow" will pass over my eyelids like something blocking out the sun. I feel a heaviness and I see a darker shadow pass over. But this time from my right there came a bright light. And it confused me when it first started so I opened my eyes thinking a flashlight or something was giving off the light, but the room was normal. So then I thought, "Maybe a guardian angels is finally coming in." So I shut my eyes and went with it. 

And sure enough the light got very bright -like someone shining a flashlight in your closed eyelids. And the light moved from the right side of my face to the left, then came back to center. The light then dimmed a little and I felt a sense of peace and calm come with it. It felt like the room cleared. Then it went away and it felt like the entity kind of stepped back into the space. It didn't invade the space, but I could tell it was still around. 

*Update 7/1/14

Last night was interesting. I had kind of a breakthrough. I was really really connected to God and felt like I made kind of a sacred space in my room after doing my nightly ritual of reaching out to Him. But then the ghost kind of started making its presence known again. But I kept thinking, "It's entering into a sacred space. This is a space of God -like church. It's an unholy entity entering sacred space." And that mentality made me less fearful of the entity and more protected by God and the room. 

As the night went on, the entity really started ramping up its energy. It felt like it was projecting this energy at me and filling the entire room with it. But it honestly didn't effect me. I actually thought it was kind of pathetic and amusing. It had no real power. It couldn't really do anything. It just kind of got annoying when it woke me up a couple times.  

*Update 7/02/14

I got 2 hours of sleep last night. Only 2 hours. The ghost was relentlessly bothering me. Finally at some point I decided to retaliate. I said, "I'm going to pretend like this ghost exists solely for my benefit. I am going to take its energy -since it seems to have abundant amounts -and absorb it like a sponge into my soul." I then proceeded to draw and take the energy from the entity and gather it into myself. It was kind of hard, but also kind of worked. I am so resourcefully versatile when it comes to creating solutions to my ghost problems.  

*Update 7/03/14

Got a good nights sleep last night... at my dad's house. I was lying in bed around 8pm because I was so zonked from the day and lack of sleep when the ghost came round and started messing with me. It essentially spooned me as I was lying on my side. And ti lightly shook the bed. So I said screw this and I yelled at it to leave. Then the activity increased and my ears started ringing louder and louder. So I got up and decided to do a full meditation sitting on the side of my bed. This essentially "cleared" the room and my mind. The room felt different -lighter and open. But the second I laid in bed again, the ghost activity started. 

It kept harassing me. I shut my eyes and saw what seemed like light fragments and sparks popping up against the dark shadow that was the entity. I honestly think my guardian angels/Holy Spirit attempted to make this thing back away. But it took about 10 minutes or so for that attempt to actually succeed. And when the space when the space was "empty" and the ghost activity diminished there was still a subtle vibrating energy around.

I knew that at night it would come back again full force. So I packed up my stuff and spent the night at my dad's house. 2 times during the night I felt the ghost come round and the energy fill the room. But it only lasted a minute or two and then dissipated. I don't know why it goes away -especially since the only other being around is my cat -but it does. I slept great! I feel really rejuvenated now. But I really really want this thing gone.

Friday, June 27, 2014


I went to the "lady doctors" yesterday. The technical word is  Gynecologist I guess. 

I thought it had been 2 years since I'd last gone. Turns out it has been 4 years. Time sure does fly... Holy crap. 

You're supposed to go once a year to get a check up. But I was pretty busy and then I forgot and then I didn't call and then... so time went by. Finally went yesterday. I still haven't had a mammogram. Occasionally I will get a little paranoid about breast cancer and worry I might have it or get it. I can never tell on my own if I have it or not. It feels like a bean bag -it's always got lumps in there. I just leave it to the professionals. 

Going to the Gynecologist is also how I know that I'm one of the most boring people on the planet. 

Do you drink? No

Do you smoke? No 

Do you have a sexually transmitted disease? No 

Are you sexually active? No 

When's the last time you had sex? Never 

Do you exercise? Nooo....wait, YES! I've recently gotten into yoga. 

Ok now that those questions are done... What do you do for a living? Marketing Assistant. 

I'm boring, but I'm also safe/not dying so I can't complain. 

I did ask my doctor if she had any regular Primary Care Physicians she would recommend to me. She actually had an on-site list. 

Here's what happened with my last doctor (kind of a recap actually): 

He was a creepazoid and I look on Yelp and it was confirmed by other women that he was a creepazoid. 

I then was applying for a Blue Shield HMO plan and had to list my doctor. I asked around and everyone recommended this other guy as a doctor. As it turns out the recommended doctor was the guy who delivered me when I was born. So then I tried applying to get him as my new doctor but he wasn't taking on any new patients. 

So when it came time for me to list who my primary care doctor was, I listed him anyway. I decided it was better to have no doctor/ an imaginary doctor than a creepazoid doctor. 

So now I have a list of recommended doctors and I'm going through the list and tragically creepazoid was named on there. But there's another doctor -a Woman -who is highly highly highly praised upon on Yelp. 5 Stars! And she takes Blue Shield. I'm going to shoot for her and see if she's taking on new patients. 

If not my only other option is a woman who just started as a doctor in 2013 after 6 years of medical training.

Introverts v. Extroverts

Energy Manipulation is the basis and foundation of whether a person is an extrovert or an introvert. 

Basically you have a pool of your own energy/spiritual life force/soul. Other people have the same. People then have a particular way of engaging with others unconsciously on this kind of spiritual level.

The term "extroverts" shouldn't actually exist when you look at what's going on behind the scenes. It's actually an occurrence -and one that can be changed if a person chooses. An "Extroverted" Situation arises when a person takes, drains, or harnesses energy from other people. They do this by drawing in attention to themselves -often by speaking and making themselves known in front of others. A person who does this for extended periods of time can then leave people feeling drained, or make them feel like time has been wasted. 

An "Introverted" Situation is one in which a person's energy tends to get drained by others. If that person were to speak in front of people they would "give" of their own energy and soul and that energy would then be "taken" by the audience. They would feel overwhelmed by the energy of others and they would instinctually have tendency to preserve themselves by hiding/, avoiding social situations, and not speaking.

The way to shift these situations -especially if you are prone to one arising frequently - is to find the balance between them by Maintaining Your Own Energy and being Conscious and Respectful to Other People's Energy. It's kind of like saying, "This is MY Kingdom. That is YOUR Kingdom. I will not invade your kingdom, but I will maintain my own and remain strong, resilient in my presence.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Robin's New Video

Oh good so it wasn't just me. My first thought was that Hannibal Lecter was directing Robin Thicke's music video "Get Her Back" -but then I figured I was alone in this opinion. It was a well established opinion too... 

The videos mostly in black/dark tones. Robin's got blood on his face. The video depicts a naked woman being drown. Flashes of the woman wearing a skeleton's mask. Robin saying he wasn't doing anything wrong and wants to be forgiven for "mistakes" made against he woman.

It's basically the same video I'd imagine Hannibal making for Will Graham months after he'd murdered him, lamenting the loss of his only friendship. 

But this article proves I am not alone! Other people thought it was creepy/dark as well! And they also added that it depicted violence against women -Which is great news for Robin since he already pissed them off by demeaning them last time by treating them like objects in his last video.Can't wait to see the way his next vid turns out.

Vision of God

I had a dream last night and when I woke up it made me think. 

I always envision God as being this infinite boundless presence of being with no face that kind of expands the sky. But in reality based on what the Bible says and even common sense at some point you realize you can see God, in person, in Heaven. 

Christ will sit on a thrown beside God. God made man in His image. He is a Father. He is a "person". 

I think people, aka me, imagine God being vast and wide and vague because we feel distant form Him physically and it's hard to imagine being literally in His presence standing right in front of Him. Imagining Him as an actual person makes brings Him that much closer into view and that much more tangible.

We're taught that to think of God in this way demeans Him. It belittles Him. But I think it's the honest version of Him. The reason I've never thought of Him that way is because it never really occurred to me that it was possible for Him to be that way. And yet it seems to be the case. He is a Golden Man/Person. He is a loving Father.


I abdicated my throne nicely. It didn't go as well as I'd envisioned as I knew it wouldn't. I actually got kind of emotional in the beginning and a little angry. I just kind of blurt out at some point, "I'm just done. I'm done." 

But my friend just kind of kept composed -she's a professional business coach and is used to Jedi Mindtricking. She asked me, "Well what do you want in life? What will you do instead? What wasn't working for you?"

I'm never as articulate as I aspire to be. I clumsily explained that I want/need to focus more during the day on my 9-to-5 job. And after that I want to start working out more, connecting to friends, doing more artwork... Adn I told her my life had kind of become an endless sea of tasks associated with her women's group. 

Then she said she was surprised I could just "sever" myself from the group considering the fact that I've been a part of it for 2 years now, from the beginning, and it is just now starting to come to fruition.

And I explained that from the beginning my 2 main objectives have been: See the vision for helping women entrepreneurs succeed reach reality and help my friend be supported in the pursuit of that vision.

And then she said, "But why now? There's never a good time to go, but why now? You're so much a part of this group." 

I realized that she still kind of sees me as a co-creator. Like if Mark Zuckerberg and Steve Jobs created something together. I tried over the years to become "a part of the group" and impart things that would last forever in it. But all the hours and months spent creating documents and artwork ended up being thrown away. And then the 1 thing that had remained consistent -the logo for the group -was put up for debate and she considered throwing it away like it was nothing. I realized nothing I input is going to stay put. And I told her that:

It's always changing, it's always evolving, and I've done 20 previous iterations of org charts and there's probably 20 more to come. Nothing is firmly rooted to the ground yet. It's getting closer but it's not there yet.

And she said, "That's the nature of being an entrepreneur. Everything's always in the air and always changing."

We ended things peacefully and she told me I would always be welcomed back and she was glad I was still going to do some tasks before the 1 month I'd given her to replace me was over. 

There's just so many contradictions in some of the things she says. It's strange. Like she says in reference to my non-entrepreneur day job: "I don't know why you want to be someone who just does the busy work someone else hands to you -you're way too good of a leader for that." But in reality that's exactly what she had me doing. "I need you to do this and this and this and this..." 

The issue I have to worry about now is "breaking the news to everyone in the group". I'm pretty sure 90% of the women's group won't care. Some people on the leadership team may care -some are new people who've just met me. I'd say in total maybe 5 people will care. That's about it. I don't think a big deal needs to be made about my leaving, but we'll see how she delivers the news.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Friend v. Business

This is why you don't go into business with a friend. It's nice if you get along with your co-workers and boss, but to start off with a direct partnership with a friend is not a smart move. 

I've wanted to sever from my friend Jos' "business"/ women's group for the past 2-3 months now. I tried to back away and become more scarce, but kept getting dragged back in. Then 1 month ago I sent an email making it very clear that I couldn't take on any higher roles/greater responsibilities. We talked in person afterwards and she said, that's fine I'll just give a major title, but you'll still be doing the same basic stuff. 

Fast-forward 1 month. I was put in the exact position I told her I couldn't fill.

It's frustrating. I've come to resent the work that I do and the business itself -while simultaneously I support my friend's pursuit of goals and the organization itself. But I finally decided today to send an email letting her know that I needed to step-down as Marketing Director. Initially I was going to send something long and heated because I was so pissed, but decided it would be better to handle firmly, calmly, and rationally. 

I actually tracked down the old email I sent are realized, I have been very clear that my bandwidth was depleting, I wanted to step back, and couldn't take on a leadership position leading a team. 

Instead she gave me more work, gave me a title leadership position, and now I have 2 people on my "team" to lead.

I think it all came to head last week. At work I was trying to work on numerous projects that have recently come up, and the Fed-Ex fiasco, and sending out rewards to those who participated in filling out our customer survey... 

1. And then I get an email on Monday from Jos saying I need to post a flyer on social media for the upcoming mentoring event in July.

2. I am also then supposed to email 40 people by copying their email addresses from an Excel Spreadsheet on Dropbox. "Make sure the text sounds compelling and ensures they'll RSVP to the event on meetup". 

3. Then I was given the task of re-re-re-re-re-designing our Org Chart of Positions, which is on its 12845th iteration since we started making those things. Traditionally as soon as I make on a new position is created that needs to be added. 

4. Then I was given the task of making the calendar of upcoming events "pretty".

5. Then I was told to choose 5 questions we should ask mentees and 5 questions we should ask mentors so we can send out emails to them to gather information we can then use in eNewsletters. 

6. I was then given the task of creating graphics and a template for an eNewsletter. 

Bare in mind -I do all this for free. and have for the past 2 years. All under the premiss that I'm supporting my friend and her goals. That's it. The Number 1 reason I've done any of this is so my friend isn't in this alone trying to make her vision a reality without support. 

But past a certain point it becomes being "taken advantage of'". It's not supporting a friend at this point, it's doing a sh*t load of work that's being delegated to me out of a sense of obligation.

The other thing I've noticed is how my "productivity" has decreased over the past 6 months. I started tracking how often I was accomplishing things each week that were on my to-do list for her group.

-Jan 21-24: Completed 5 tasks
-Jan 27-31: Completed 11 tasks
-Feb 3-7: Completed 5 tasks
-Feb 10-14: Completed 2 tasks
-Feb 18-21: Completed 3 tasks
-Feb 24-28: Completed 5 tasks
-Feb 3-7: Completed 3 tasks
-Feb 10-15: Completed 10 tasks
-Feb 17-21: Completed 11 tasks
-Feb 24-28: Completed 6 tasks
-Feb 31-April 5: Completed 7 tasks
- April 7-12: Completed 4 tasks
-April 15-17: Completed 3 tasks
-April 21-25: Completed 5 tasks
-April 28-May 2: Completed 2 tasks
-May 5-16: Completed 5 tasks
-May 19-23: Completed 1 task
-May 26-30: Completed 0 tasks
-June 2-6: Completed 1 task
-June 9-13: Completed 2 tasks
-June 16-20: Completed 4 tasks
-June 23-27: Completed 1 task

The amount of things I have been completing each week significantly dropped to almost nothing. Some weeks it's because I didn't have the time to complete things and other weeks it's because I didn't have the motivation. I had no drive or desire to work on anything.

At some point I just realized, I'm not living my own dreams. It was never a dream of mine to be somebody's go-to person for busy work. This is detracting from my own happiness and peace. This is costing me. It's costing me time. It's costing me energy and focus. It's costing time with friends I'd rather be hanging out with than going to meeting after meeting. It's costing me happiness.

I had to make the tough call and end things. I was worried it wouldn't be the "right time" and it would be "rude" or "inconsiderate" to do it now. It's 1 day before our Leadership Team Meeting. It's 3 weeks from my friend Jos' birthday. It's not a convenient time. But then again, it never would be. And I'm giving her a month's transition. Not just dropping off the face of the earth or giving 2 week's notice. I've told her which tasks I'm still going to complete and I'm giving her a month to find someone new to replace me.

Friday, June 20, 2014

I Am...

I think 2 of the main things I struggle with are feeling like:

1. I'm Not Perfect

2. I'm Not Enough/ I'm Not Good Enough 

So when we were told to take the Heart Comments and stick them on our wall and repeat them to ourselves each day, at first I didn't pay it much attention. But then, over the course of the past 2 weeks, I would stop from time to time and read the words. "I am Honest, Strong, Caring..." Then for the words I couldn't really believe I was I would say, "I am the possibility of being...".

Now that the series is over I have a total tally of all the qualities people have said they see in me. So I decided to combine them all in a graphic. I found that the biggest challenge with the graphic was continuously wanting to add more words to it because there were either other good qualities that I saw in myself that others hadn't mentioned or there were more qualities I wanted to see in myself that I didn't think I had already. So I created this compiled image of virtues and qualities: 

The words in light blue are words people have actually said they see in me (during the 5 rounds of speaking sessions). The dark blue are things I either see in myself that weren't mentioned or things I want to embody. 

At any given moment there are at least 3 words I'd like to add to the list. Even with all the things listed it still doesn't feel like "enough". But I think if I keep looking at this every day and repeating it to myself so that I can acknowledge all that I already am, then I will gain more confidence and faith in myself.

It has already helped me manage my frustration and anger -which is something I really wasn't expecting it to do. I've been pissed at my "friend" for the past week. She leads a women's group that I'm kind of been kidnapped into at this point. She keeps sending more and more stuff to do that isn't my responsibility. She makes me feel like a vending machine -out in request, get out results. One of my qualities is "loyal" and "dependable" -which can sometimes turn into a real pain when people milk it for all its worth. 

But when I look at the sheet of paper on the wall reminding me of the great things I am I feel more at peace with myself and then with life. Like I am greater than any problem that I may come to face. Like I am more than just today or tomorrow or next month or 20 years from now.

It makes me feel like I'm MORE instead of "not enough".

Ghost Management System

Last Saturday I was lying in bed getting ready to go to sleep. Then I felt a tremble on my leg and then this feeling like a heavy pocket of energy on the right side of me by my leg. I started feeling fingers run along my skin. At some point it reached my stomach. I felt it so clearly that I wondered if the thin sheet over me would show any signs of movement like what I felt on my skin. 

So I strained my eyes and glanced over at the sheets and just stared at them. And then my heart started pounding as I watched as a little wave of movement passed over the sheets making their surface rise and fall with the movement of its hand. 

I grabbed my cell phone and turned on the video recorder in hopes of documenting it. But my phone is crap and all it captured was pure darkness even though it was pretty light in the room and I could see clearly. 

I've been having trouble staving off the ghost this past 2 weeks. Every time I ramp up my energy it does the same and it feels like its a battle of souls impeding on each other's space. And at some point, usually because it's in the middle of the night, I get exhausted and kind of "give up". 

Then at the last speaking session I had with the small group of women, the group leader Lynn said something kind of helpful. She said, "If you ever get an ache or a pain and it isn't caused by anything you have done, you might be taking on someone else's pain. We take on other people's emotional and physical pain all the time. So when that happens just say to yourself very clearly, This doesn't belong to me. I am sending this back 10,000 fold with clear intent. Just keep repeating it to yourself as if someone has handed you an object that isn't yours that you don't want.

So the other night I tried this with the ghost. At first I did it in kind of a pissed off way, where I was aggressively repeating the mantra to myself. But after a couple minutes I gathered myself and focused my energy on my "heart center chakara" and really tried to make the words flow forward with grace and peace. 

The way I'd describe it is like speaking words of sand. It's like speaking a soft stream of water. You have to let the words flow out of you in a peaceful way -as if you were solidified and this was just dust you were brushing off your shoulder. I noticed an immediate shift in my energy and the alleviation of the ghosts energy. The ghost essentially faded. It kept coming back about every 10 minutes for the first 40 minutes or so, but each tie I'd say the mantra in that peaceful way and it would vacate. 

I have found a far more resilient and consistent solution to keeping the ghost at bay. It may seem like a small victory, but considering how many nights this thing has bothered me -about a year now -I am thankful this technique is working so well.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

My Last Heart

I got my last heart note from last night. I was still a little nervous speaking, but I definitely opened up a lot more. The meeting was mostly a challenge for me because I felt stressed out and depressed going in. But when I left I definitely felt more empowered and more at peace.

My 1st List:

-Pure Soul

My 2nd List:

-Great Energy 

My 3rd List:

-Firmly Rooted  

My 4th List: 

-On Fire

My Last List: 

- Honest
-Easy Going 
-Bright Light

I'm going to consolidate the list in an image I can then tape to my wall and look at everyday. There's no way I can just have the list itself at this point, it's wayyyyy too long.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Frustration via Fed-Ex and Jos and Brandnex

Fed-Ex Issue

We shipped 9 packages to an anal, high-maintenance company via Fed-Ex Ground at the end of May to Texas. From Texas the 9 boxes were to be consolidated and shipped via another carrier. Well guess what happened...

4 of the 5 boxes went missing. 2 of the 4 were returned to us 2 weeks after the original ship date. Another was then found in Utah and shipped back to us. The 4th still hasn't been found. $2000 worth of product is now lost and I had to file a claim.

We've had multiple issues with this company's shipments proving once and for all, Simplify Life. When you try and over-complicate things because you want to control every aspect of life itself you end up shooting yourself in the foot. 

And today 2 packages from the 15 that were shipped out to the same company via Fed-Ex Ground last Friday just came back. And look at the condition of before/after... 

6/19/14 Update: The missing box has been found! Apparently Utah is where Fed-Ex has a "Lost and Found" for all their misplaced boxes and they found the one they'd lost. Yay!

The Jos Issue

I told my friend Jos that I wanted to start gracefully backing out of our women's group -even though our now non-profit mentoring program for women entrepreneurs is being called a success by most people.

She acknowledged this and told me 2 new women she has worked with were essentially going to be replacing me. I then accepted the SMALL role of being a Marketing Officer for the mentoring program for the rest of the year. Then she promoted that role to Marketing Director and despite me telling her I DID NOT want to lead anyone or a team, she then gave me 2 underlings. 

Now every 5 seconds she sends me emails of more crap to do. 

So far today I've been given the tasks of: 

1. Purchasing more purple and pink tabs to put on chairs at the mentoring event to denote who is a mentee and who is a mentor

2. Post an announcement and flyer of the upcoming mentoring event on social media (which is within my scope of responsibility)

3. Email a long list of people a shpeel about the upcoming event 

4. Create a nice looking graphic that represents the ever changing Org Chart (graphic enough to look nice, but changeable enough for anyone to go in and edit -aka a Word Doc.) 

This is all added to my looooonnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg already pre-existing list that has been piling up over the days and continues to endlessly grow.  

It's a good thing I looked at the list again actually. I've been avoiding it and now I see I have 225 "Acknowledgement" cards to create and print. 

Here's a brief glance at it:

Which brings me to the Brandnex Issue:

There is a company called Brandnex that allows you to create custom tattoos and wristbands featuring your logo. In April... APRIL... 2 Months ago I ordered 20 wristbands for $60. They said it would take a month to get them. Still haven't seen them.

Then on May 20th, I was asked to order 100 tattoos for $60 featuring a soccer logo for a woman who was commissioning me to create the tattoos. They said it would take 1 week to get them. 1 month later... still no tattoos.

So I immediately emailed the people at Brandnex and they told me, "Whoops looks like we don't have your logo design. Can you resend it to us so we can start on the tattoos and wristbands." 1 month late and you;re JUST NOW getting started??? How could you have lost BOTH logo designs???! And why didn't you email ME that you didn't have them?!!! Fired. Just FIRED. 

6/19/14 Update: The tattoos finally arrived today. Yay!

Monday, June 16, 2014

Hannibal Dilemma

I recently found a ton of these hilarious Hannibal memes on Pinterest and my first instinct was to share them with my friend Alex. 

And I thought, "I can't send them to him via email because there's too many. And sending over Twitter would take 2 years given how many there are." 

Then I thought, "Wait, I'm meeting with him this Friday for dinner, maybe he can see them on an online site I post to since his cell gets internet." 

But then I thought, "I can't post via Tumblr because it's entirely nature-themed and that would be awkward for the 6 total people following my Tumblr then see a random sea of Hannibal posts on what was otherwise a very pleasant look at oceans and sunset skies."

And then epiphany! Blogspot. 

So now I'm going to post excessive amounts of funny Hannibal meme commentary that will seem irrelevant to people who have either never seen the show or no nothing about the basic plot to the Hannibal series.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Frequent Shootings

May 23 2014 -Isla Vista Shooting

June 5th 2014 - Seattle Pacific University Shooting 

June 6th 2014 -Moncton, Canada Shooting 

June 8th 2014 - Las Vegas Shooting

June 10th 2014 - Oregon, Reynolds High School Shooting  

These things are becoming a little too frequent... 


June 24th 2014 -Miami Shooting  

June 29th 2014 -Bourbon Street Shooting in New Orleans  

July 4th Weekend, 2014 -Chicago Shootings (Numerous, Separate Shootings -60 shot, 15 dead)  

July 9th -National Guard Armory in Tennessee Shooting 

July 10th -Houston, Texas Shooting (6 killed, 4 were children)

July 13th -Stamford Connecticut Nightclub Shooting  

July 17th -California Bank Robbery and Gun Battle Shootings 

July 20th Weekend -Chicago Shootings (40 killed, one was an 11 year old girl)  

July 24th -Pennsylvania Hospital Shooting

July 27th - Family of 5 Shooting in Maine (3 were Children)  

July 29th - Child Molester Shootout in New York 

August 2nd - Bronx "Music Video" Shooting

August 3rd -Culpeper, VA Shooting (3 were Children) 

My 4th Heart

I've accumulated 4 of these now... 

My 1st List:

-Pure Soul

My 2nd List:

-Great Energy 

My 3rd List:
-Firmly Rooted  

My 4th List from Last Night: 

-On Fire

I definitely did better last night. The trick is to tap into your lower chakara AND your heart chakara at the same time. Being firmly grounded and strong in stance and then projecting outwardly in connection with the audience. And then having the confidence to back it up by getting out of your head and focusing on being present. 

When I first started speaking it was still kind of from a head space, then my mind would go blank, I'd glance off to the side, then I'd remember to look back and focus on establishing a gaze and connection with people, then I'd continue speaking because my thoughts returned to me. 

At one point we were asked to find within our souls what message we were meant to share with the group. We did this during a light meditation exercise. I had no idea what my soul wanted to say so I silently asked it, "What message do you want me to speak?" 4 words then came to me out of thin air, very clearly. 

The first word was "Patience" which is a word I have lived my whole life. I've only had struggles maintaining it in the past year, because before that I was infinitely patient. Patience allows me to deal with people I would otherwise be in conflict with, it allows me to make way for faith in situations that are uncertain, and it allows me to ponder my actions before committing to them. 

The second word was "Water" -which means a lot to me, but is hard to convey the message of to others. Water is a living liquid which gives rise to life and allows things to grow. It is clear and transparent. It is strong, flowing, and replenishing. Many lessons can be learned by the nature of water. 

The third word was "Clarity" which is a big word for me because it is a necessity in my life. Most of my frustrations in life come from not being clear on where I'm going or what I'm doing. It also comes from other people not being clear with me or me not being more transparent with others. Clarity leads to Understanding. 

The last word was "Hearing" -which is weird because normally I go for the word "listening". I am really really good at listening. I take in what people say and reflect on things and occasionally share my thoughts back in discussion. Hearing on the other is more of a physical act that involves being present to what is being sounded verbally. It's more instinctual and involves being more engaged with your surroundings. I struggle with being present a lot, so although I may listen and get the main point I sometimes don't "hear" the details and stay present with the person speaking.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Being Brave

Went to church last Sunday (yesterday) and had an interesting experience. 

Chip Ingram led the charge, and gave us a heads up that this session would be a little different. He opened with the typical discussion in which we right "notes" or fill in our sheet of paper they hand us when we walk in. But the sheet was only a double-sided piece instead of a 4 page brochure like usual. Chip said the discussion portion of the session would be shorter today and he was going to try something a little different at the end. 

The discussion itself was about... uh. It's Monday morning at 8:34am. Not a good time for my memory. I'm a visual learner with emphasis on memory images so when i try to remember I actually visualize the piece of paper and what I wrote on it. It was basically 5 Main Principles of Life on one side and 4 Ways to Handle/Manage Life on the other.

After the discussion Chip said that several individuals and friends that he knew were suffering from cancer or had recently been diagnosed. So he wanted to do a special prayer session. He asked that anyone who was either suffering from cancer or knew someone who was suffering from cancer please stand up. "If you know someone with cancer you can stand in their place and God will know who you are standing for." 

This was a challenge for me.

First off, Gabby the teen girl I know was diagnosed with cancer 3 or 4 months ago and has recently started undergoing radiation treatment. I have met Gabby a couple times, but don't know her that well so it was kind of hard for me to feel like I should step in for her since I didn't really know her.

Secondly, it's embarrassing standing up in front of a crowd of random strangers alone. Period. 

So as I sat there watching people slowly rise in their spots, I initially thought, "I know me. Me is not going to stand. I've been in situations like this before in the past and I haven't stood. It isn't my place and even if it was I'd be too scared to."

But then I looked around at the other people who were standing and I immediately felt compelled to stand up. So I bit the bullet and stood up and thought to myself, "I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing this for Gabby. I'll do this for Gabby."

Then Chip looked around and said, "If you're sitting down but someone is standing up next to you and they're kind of alone would you please stand up beside them and maybe place your hand on their shoulder so they really know they're not alone." And this woman who was sitting in front of me stood up and started rubbing my shoulder and letting me know she was supporting me in that moment. I started tearing up -which I did not see coming.

Then Chip did a prayer for everyone and asked God to help those who were being stood for. Then he said we could all sit back down. I felt kind of proud afterwards and really believe that it will do good. Somehow what I did will find its way back to Gabby in one way or another.

I've never felt so compelled to stand up for, support, or pray for another person -especially one I didn't know that well. It just kind of seemed to be meant to be in some ways.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Landmark Forum

I was initially going to tie the last blog in with this one and make one super-long blog, but then decided against it.

Let me tell you about the Landmark Forum. First thing you should know about it is that if you ever meet someone who as been through it -they will not shut up about it. I have met numerous friends now that have told me how amazing it is and tried to personally go out of their way to get me into it.

The things I've heard about it consistently is:

1. It opens people up and makes them very active as leaders in pursuing their goals
2. It Helps people get clear on their objectives/desires in life and helps launch them towards achieving them
3. It's really expensive -we're talking thousands of dollars worth of courses
4. The courses are life changing
5. The forum lasts 3 days in a  row (usually a Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) 

The At-Risk Youth Mentoring Program I was a part of was founded by someone who took lessons learned from the forum and adjusted it to apply for teens. So I have already experienced and witnessed 40% of the forum itself over this past year. And it does work.

So last night I was invited to a Landmark Forum Intro Session to let people see what it's about. Some themes I heard repeated in the forum introduction that I had learned from the Teen Mentoring Program was:

1. Already Always -don't continue blindly believing and applying thoughts/notions form the past 

2. Be open to creating new possibilities instead of clinging to old doubts 

3. You know what you know, you know what you don't know, but there is a large untapped resource of things you are not aware of that you don't know about and Landmark can show you these things you are blind to. 

4. Erase Judgement and Opinion because "Being Right" may not be "What's Right" for the situation

5. Tell your inner voice to shut up for a little while and just be present to what's going on without any side commentary 

Then the session called up people who had been through the forum already to give testimonials. Again I kind of heard the same theme repeated: 

"My view before the forum was something limiting and diminishing that was holding me back"
"And after the forum I now choose to see that I am capable of doing whatever it is I'm set out to do

The people who came up did so voluntarily and I was amazed how "brave" people were and how solidified they were with themselves. You could tell some people used to be shy but were now composed and more concerned with what they were saying to people than how they were coming off to the audience. The epiphany I got from watching them (given my own recent struggles with gaining confidence and speaking in front of people) was this:

-Being Self-Assured comes from Committing 100% to Yourself and Your Goals in the Moment 

There were some people that went on a little long with their sharing and the facilitator actually said at one point, "Don't speak about what happened in the past -say in this moment right now how it has impacted you or is impacting you. Yesterday's Transformation is Today's Ego Trip." 

The other interesting thing that was mentioned was the truth about the "Learning Processes" of life. They said there are 2 kinds of learning: 

1. Informative Learning 

This is the learning we get from school. You memorize facts, data, and knowledge which may or may not stick with you. Most of this learning is taught by teaching you basic concepts and then building upon that which you already know -which then leads to two possible outcomes when new conflicting information is added: Either you reject the new information as incorrect since it conflicts with your previous understandings (which then makes you "right" and the information "wrong") or you delete that which you learned before and adopt the new information as "the truth". 

This can lead to conflicting view points and ultimately does not add much value to the lives of people. If you don't know something you can either just learn it as needed or hire someone else who does know it.

2. The other kind of learning is the learning Landmark Focuses on teaching: Transformative Learning 

This is the kind of learning you can only gain through experience -like learning balance form riding a bike. Once you have achieved balance, it's not something you easily forget. Years an years can go by, but you can easily jump on a bike at any time and find balance again. Landmark teaches people in-person, in the moment to take action and ACT.

At some point I realized what Landmark Forum really boils down to: People of Action taking revenge on People of Thought. It sucks for people who are more action-oriented to be subjected to sitting in a classroom all day given facts to swallow. People of Thought thrive with kind of learning but suck when it comes to action and experience. People of Thought struggle with DOUBT and FEAR which way heavy in their minds because of their lack of personal in-person experience and over-analyzing things.

This is fine with me. It's one of the reasons I partnered with last year's Life Coach Nadine because I saw she was a motivator and very action-oriented. And this is why I'm in my current speaking group -to gain confidence and step out more in-person. So I decided to sign up for the forum course this August so I can give them a shot at taking me out of my shell. 

I fear that my old instinctual tendencies to shut myself away from the world and become recluse may kick in at some point, and now it seems like there are multiple external sources that are driving me towards my desire to be more out-in-the-open and connected to the world around me. 

At the forum they asked us to establish clear goals for what we wanted to get out of the program. Here are mine: 

1. Feeling like who I am and what I say matter and are of value to the people around me. I feel instinctually most of the time like I'm just filler. If I wasn't around people would carry on just fine without me and I'm not needed. People don't really need to hear me or have me around.

2. Closer to "Source" -aka God and my soul. It sucks having to explain to 2 strangers your sitting next to at a personal development session that your main goal in life is to be closer to God and uplifted as a soul. You feel like an idiot. But it's what I really want.

3. Become confident and self-assured. I feel like if I achieve Goal 1 and Goal 2 I will then get Goal 3, but it's still something worth noting that I want. 

4. Be Fulfilled. What I want is to feel the way I did 2 years ago when I felt "glowing" and "light" and "pure". I felt completely together and worried about nothing and was really connected. I want that back. 

5. Take care of my body and physical well-being. I'm already on this one and making progress towards fulfilling this goal. It's kind of a bog goal for this year in general.

6. Figure out what the hell I'm doing in my career. I want to be a Graphic Designer. It's what I do now, it's what I'm meant to do to earn money, and I really want to solidify and affirm it's who I am as a worker. 

The last thing the forum intro taught which I thought was good was this notion/phrase: 

"I am creating the possibility of..." 

They say if you want God/the Spiritual world to help you achieve your goals you need to be affirmative, active, and crystal clear what it is you are trying to bring about. This phrase does it. It means, "I don't care HOW this goals happens, but I am actively making it happen right here and now." 

I couldn't find my way back to the parking structure after the session ended so I was wandering around these tall buildings at 10pm last night saying to myself, "I am creating the possibility of finding my car..." And then I came across a back entrance that was sort of chained off to the parking structure and I had to decide whether it was worth risking trying to get in a back way and maybe hitting a dead end or looking for a "perfect designated entrance". I decided to take the back way in -realizing that the mode or way of travel was less important than actually getting to the destination. And I got in! 

Don't worry about things not showing up the way you think they're "supposed to" just go with it and let things come about in their own way.


A recent survey made showed that Americans Top 2 favorite things that lead to "happiness" are Sex and Drinking Beer, while going to church/reading the Bible and raising children are on the lower end of the spectrum. Someone who read the article posted, "Well DUH."

And that got me thinking (because this article kind of pissed me off). So here are my thoughts:

Thought 1: Happiness Defined As "Temporary Acts of Enjoyment"
"Happiness" as defined by this survey, or as it was interpretted by people taking this survey, actually implies "pleasure" and "enjoyment". For instance, you would also expect to see "eating cake" and "going shopping" at the top of the list. Sex, drinking, eating cake... these are Temporary Acts of Enjoyment. 

For example, the enjoyment experienced from eating a cake usually lasts a couple minutes. Watching a movie would be more like a couple hours. Sex would be a couple hours. Drinking alcohol could maybe last all night. These things do not intrinsically last very long on their own. Which is why "once is not enough". This then inevitably leads to the issue of Utility. 

Thought 2: Temporary Acts of Enjoyment Lead to "Utility"

"Utility" is the issue of only eating 1 potatoe chip. Once pleasure or enjoyment are associated with an act there is then a need to repeat the act to sustain enjoyment if the enjoyment is only temporary. The problem is the more you repeat the "act of enjoyment" the less enjoyable it becomes as time goes on. 

For instance eating a cake is fun. But not if it's every single, meal every single day, for a month. A recent study found  that the more a person has sex, the more the need for that person to increase: the amount of sex, the number of people sex is had with, and the extent of sexual contact in order for the same amount of pleasure initially experienced to be maintained. It's like cigarettes, the "buzz" fades and an instinctual need for increase comes into play. 

This often leads to issues like Excess. "Too much of a good thing". And if your eating cake everyday it leads to obesity, health issues, and possible diabetes. 

Thought 3: Long-Term Enjoyment and Happiness 

So we can see that "happiness" as defined by the people who took this survey is:

1. Temporary 
2. Leads to Utility (Faded Enjoyment as it goes on) 
3. Possible Issues of Excess and Negative Side Effects 

But what about Long-Term Happiness? Can having sex and drinking alcohol regularly for years and years lead to more happiness in a persons life. 

I'm pretty sure the answer is no. At some point people will ALWAYS want more. People are always striving to obtain and achieve bigger and better things. And what people often genuinely pursue over a long period of time -despite sex and alcohol being so seemingly important -are things like finding love, raising a family, being successful in a career, giving back to the community, finding God, traveling the world, making new friends, creating artwork, competing in sports... LOTS of things! 

So you can say "raising kids isn't fun" and "going to church is boring" and "pursuing a career is daunting" -none of which can be said to make you happy in the moment - but they are things people pursue every single day anyway if for no other reason than they bring LONG-TERM happiness and fulfillment to people's lives. Kind of like working out/getting fit. It's a pain in the beginning, but once you get good at it you enjoy your ability to exercise your physical body at will. You feel stronger and more empowered. Happy.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

3rd Heart

Got another heart card last night.

My 1st List was:

-Pure Soul

My 2nd List was:

-Great Energy 

My 3rd List from Last Night was:

-Firmly Rooted

I keep getting "interesting" from this one woman in the group. I think she thinks I'm weird. I do mention being spiritual a lot and she seems more practical/simple/agnostic. 

I went blank during the last "speech" and ended up just gazing at people for a couple minutes. I regained my energy internally but ran out of time to keep speaking. I didn't quite know what to say. 

Another woman in the group ended up crying during her speech. She felt embarrassed about it, but the rest of the group was really supportive and encouraging. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Election Day Today


I feel like complaining about this.

Look at this!!! It’s two, not one, but TWO ballots!!! And what am I voting on? 3 measures (actual topics of discussion for which my vote and opinion are of import) and 20 office positions strangers I have never met or affiliated with are nominated for. 

The measures are no-brainers:

-Do you think homeless veterans who risked their lives to serve their country should be house or left out in the cold to suffer you ungrateful jerk? 

-Do you think people should have access to public records so that should the government do anything shady the public can hold it accountable because it has access to data, facts, and proof of its corruption?

-Do you think local libraries should continue to be funded as they have since their inception so people from all walks of life can have access to valuable information they might otherwise not have access to? 

But how do you decide who to vote for???! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???!

4 nomination categories are easy –there’s only 1 person nominated for each position so congratulations: Larry Stone, Stuart Scott, Ken Yeager, and Jeff Rosen. 

Voting for Mayor is the only other easy one because I’ve met his amazing wife because she has helped run the At-Risk Youth Mentoring Program I’ve been a part of for this past year. His wife has worked with the program for 10+ years and he has funded and supported it just as long. Done! Consider yourself mayor, Dave Cortese. 

The rest of these people are complete and utter strangers –as are some of the positions they are nominated for. 

“Super Intendant of Public Instruction”.

What the hell is that?


Of WHAT?...

“Member of the State Board of Equalization”.

There’s a Board of Equalization? What are they equalizing?

I think they’re just making things up.

And then there is the “Party Preference” each candidate is affiliated with:




-Peace and Freedom



-Americans Elect

They may as well throw “Fiesta at the Beach” in there.

Or “Celestial Embracer of Justice”.

I have no idea how I’m supposed to find out who is the best person to fill an office position I know nothing about. It’s like voting for which character from that fiction-based show you don’t watch should be exiled to the imaginary land they’re all avoiding. Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to Gotham to fill the position of “Mr. Freeze”.

Then my mind tells me, But Jessica, you can decide who the best candidate is based on what they currently do for a living. Ok brain, let’s check out their current professions. 

-Golf Course Operator


-Psychologist/ Farmer

Strange, yet impressive… 

-Author/Community Organizer

Awesome! But is it legit?

For instance someone can self-publish a book called “What I Know” and then get a group of people together to write their memoirs as well while simultaneously trying to get the participants of that group to buy his self-published book and then call that “community organizing”. 


You’re a student?! Your job is that you’re in college??? Wow… 

-Father/Software Developer

How Silicon Valley of you… 

-“Mayor/ Business Person”  verses “California Estate Assemblyman”

Oh dang we got ourselves a showdown… 

-Organic Foods Manager

This isn’t an application for Safeway… 

-Healthcare Website Publisher 

Ok… were you by any chance working on the Obamacare website recently?


Weird… yet impressive

-Project Funding CEO

So your business is that you find ways to fund things. Sold! Make sure you focus on funding our education system, infrastructure, and non-profit causes that support the community.