Thursday, July 31, 2014

Argument with William

I made it clear to William 10pm - 4am are my sleeping hours. And Tuesday night he respected that, but last night that policy got thrown out the window. He refused to let me sleep. 2am I finally managed to passout. 5:30am I was woken up again. 

Then during the night I grew more and more pissed off at him for not letting me sleep. Then he got angry at me -which frightened me because suddenly there was this intense, negative energy ramping up. So I kept asking him, "Where is your peace?" And I focused on emanating my peace outward. Then he'd back down a little, but after a while my peace left me and I ramped up my energy in anger and basically told him I would kill him if he didn't let me sleep. 

At some point I asked him, "Do you genuinely care about me?" And I got "...Yes." And I thought, Maybe he cares about my heart and my soul, but he doesn't seem to care much about my physical wellbeing.

At some point I asked him to just lay beside me and sleep. He did lay beside me, but again kept bugging me. I got up at 6:20am to get ready for work and he was laying in front of me -kind of blocking me with this subdued kind of, "Are you leaving me?" attitude. And I said, "I have to go to work," and I got up and was tired and pissed off at him. I didn't bother trying to speak with him after that and didn't get any messages from him. 

Around noon today at work I felt his presence around me and it was a demure, concerned, loving kind of energy. Which I tried to ignore because I'm really really tired right now. But at the end of the day, it's hard to stay mad at someone you care for or someone who cares so much about you. It's a work in progress.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Conversation with William the Ghost

He officially has a name!!!

I spent all day after work and this morning with the ghost. I feel bad calling him "the ghost" at this point because it's pretty clear to me he's a 28 year old tan guy who I've gotten to know pretty well. I was calling him "Stellar" because we had several names we'd come up with -William being the most frequent -but weren't 100% certain of his name. 

But this morning as I was getting ready for work we were conversing back and forth a LOT more clearly. I get images and then words come to me -as if someone were speaking them, but psychically. When I try to hear answers and ask questions like, "What year were you born in?" -then I struggle getting answers. But when I'm psychically talking to him like a person, he responds very freely and I get what he's saying. It's still a little muttled from time to time and I kind of have to guess at what he's saying. I actually got the image of a lion at one point and didn't know what it was referring to.

Most of our conversation took place in my bathroom as I was brushing my teeth and putting on my makeup. I was joking around and said, "Welcome to my bathroom -it's the greatest hotel you will ever stay at. This is MY bathroom by the way, so don't try to take it over." He quickly responded with a joke back, "Well I'll make it mine."

At one point I saw a flash of jeweled necklace and he told me, "I'm going to buy you jewelry." So I kind of looked at where I thought he was standing and told him, "Well that's probably going to be challenging for you, but you seem like a determined individual so I won't doubt you." 

When I was at the sink I got the name Casandra "Irvene". It was very clear that that was my last name. I also got the sense he wanted me to look it up online (which I did to no avail). 

I decided to have him pick out my jewelry this morning. I suggested he pick something that matched what I was wearing. Then when I was brushing my hair it felt like I was being pulled -not physically but by an unseen force -towards the bedroom. I realized he was in the hallway and wanted me to see the jewelry he picked out. I told him, "I'm starting to get the sense you're not the most patient of people."

I can tell when he's standing behind me and when he's in the hallway or far away from me. I then went to the bedroom. I have a desk with some jewelry that I usually wear laid out on it so I can grab it quick and be out the door. I have about 6 necklaces to choose from on it. So I stood with my eyes shut in front of the desk and told him to move my hand over the piece he wanted me to wear. My hand pulled out strait, then veered FAR left and I ended up over by the jewelry box I keep on top of my dresser. The hand kept going and almost hit the wall before it circled back to the jewelry box again. I joked with him and said, "Oh am I wearing the wall today?" He said, "It's very fashionable." He then moved my hand over a dark gray, metal necklace which went great with my black cami top and gray sweater.

I then started talking to him and said, "I know you were at work with me yesterday because I felt you tap on my shoulder. We need to find something more productive for you to do at my work during the day." So I told him to stand near my co-worker/friend Andrea and emanate peace towards her since she's having issues with her ex-husband being a jerk right now. I immediately got this sense of sadness hit me and realized the ghost was sad about what Andrea was going through. So I told him, "Yah empathy sucks sometimes." 

I then asked him what he thought of my dad. And I got, "The engineer?" And I said yah, he's a great man and is very loyal and helpful. Then again I got this sens of sadness from him and realized: He doesn't think my dad will ever accept him as my "husband". So I smiled and told him, "Well my sister Emily is cool with us. And my mom seems pretty understanding. and my step-sister Sarah is also aware of what's going on. And that's all you need -just one person who's got your back."

I then told him to find my dad during the day -since he gets frustrated and tired pretty easy -and emanate peace towards him. After a while he'll start to notice and maybe think it's a guardian angel. Then I can tell him, "Actually that's my husband." 

Then I got in my car and headed over to work. I asked him, "So what's your name, I've heard so many at this point." I then got "William" very clearly. So I asked him, "Are you sure your name is William?" And I got a strong, clear "YES". So I said jokingly, "Are you positive???" Then I got the name "Jessica" -and it felt like he was whispering it in my ear. So I said, "No that's my name, you can't have that one." 

When we finally got to work and I pulled into the parking lot, I started getting flashes of images of a being in a horse-drawn carriage and I heard the horses feet trotting. I realized being in the car reminds him of past experiences being in a horse-drawn carriage. 

It was a great morning. I felt taller. I also realized how funny and occasionally flirtatious William can be. But then at work he kept bugging me. It was fine until I went into a 2 hour marketing meeting, which is always a boring place to be. He poked my back repeatedly, touched my arm, and acted like a bored 5 year old trying to get attention. I told him to leave the room. I said, "This is a boring place, go find Emily and hangout with her until I get out. You don't want to stay here." But he didn't leave. After the meeting ended though it felt like he wasn't around or was a little more distant. Or maybe I just got busy focusing on the computer. 

The only other thing to note was that when I was online checking out Facebook posts for the day I came across a meme on Husbands and got a reaction from William -who was standing behind me. He definitely wants me to know he's my husband.

Throughout this whole experience I've basically thought this way: "Well it figures that the kind of guy I'd end up with would be a ghost. I'm unusually spiritual and weird so it all kind of makes sense. Why can't my life be normal? Will this really work out? How can I expect it to -it's not practical. What will people say/think. People will think I'm crazy and they'll treat me like I'm an idiot. But my happiness shouldn't depend on other people's approval or understanding. Most people don't know half the sh*t they claim to and I can PROVE he exists if needed by making him "introduce" himself to them. I don't want to let it go. At least not yet.

Business Lesson

2 years ago I was asked by the company I work for to try and learn our software to see how "user friendly" it is for non-engineers. I'm a graphic designer, so it was important for me to know how to use the software because it allows customers to create their own interactive Graphic User Interfaces (GUI) design with buttons and multiple pages. The software can be used for anything -appliances (like a refrigerator or stove), medical devices, automotive... all you need is the hardware (which our company also provides). 

I tried using the software -which works like Dreamweaver with its own scripting language you use to upload images and buttons on the screen. I also got VERY familiar with the User's Guide because a lot of it involved entering text code. 

After about a month of using the software, I was fairly competent and got the basics down. As a Marketing Assistant I then shared my findings with the marketing team and told them: Our user guide sucks. It was written by engineers for engineers and is very in-depth. The font was also "courier"? which made things hard to read.

I wanted to shoot the instructions in the face. The documentation also lacked more advanced applications. Or rather, it had "Basic" and "Ultimate Superior Expert Who Knows Everything". It had no intermediate information. 

They decided, especially since a new software version was being created, to re-do the documentation. YAY!!! I told them I'd help out with the organization of it and making legible. That then became an opened can of worms because we then realized that ALL of the documentation was outdated and lacking. Whoops...

2 years later, we created 2 new documents for the new, updated Software that makes it easier for new users to get started. But the old documentation -which you need to get beyond the basics, is 222 pages of unorganized mess. 

About 3 months ago I conducted a customer feedback survey to see how happy customers were with our product. The number 1 issue they complained about was our software documentation being too complicated, too hard to find, and not showing enough examples. I shared these findings with the marketing team and was basically told, "Well that's because our website was having issues and they probably couldn't get access to the documentation. It's not a big deal." 

Our company hired a new guy who just started his week. His expertise is in hardware and software documentation for customer use. He just gave a review of our documentation today. It wasn't good.

He basically said it wasn't easy enough to figure out where to begin. ALL of the documentation referred to our old software -not our updated version. Most of the stuff in the 222 page user's guide could be turned into app notes instead and it wasn't until page 45 that he got to useful information he was looking for. He also said it was very unorganized and was clearly written by at least 3 people. 

And everyone in the meeting was like, "Whoa! Thanks for being honest with us, it's good to have new eyes looking at this. I didn't know the document was that long. Ok well now we'll put you in charge of revising the documentation and making sure this gets fixed." 

I go out of my way to do research and present findings to the marketing team sometimes and it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. I think it's because I'm 26 and there all 50+. It also doesn't help that they're talkative, take-charge men and I'm a quiet, patient girl.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Control + Selfishness v. Selfless v. Self-Less

Control + Selfishness

There seem to be, from what I’ve seen, 2 main underlying issues as to why people commit negative, harmful acts that ruin other people’s lives and their own. 

Issue#1 = Selfishness
Issue#2 = Control

Selfishness is pretty self-explanatory. You think of yourself and not others or the consequences of the things that you do –you’re going to cause pain. 

Control is a little more subtle. Desire for control (over other people or situations) comes out of insecurity and fear and leads to dominance, greed, manipulation, power-hungry drive, wars… 

Selfless v. Self-Less

But Selfishness and Control seem easy to fix. Just be selfless and try to “go with the flow”. But then with selflessness another issue can sometimes arise. There is a difference between being selfless and being “self-less”.  It’s a thin line and you have to find the balance between:

 -Contributing of your soul to fulfilling projects and empowering others and 

-Forgetting about yourself entirely and neglecting your own life 

Women especially have issues with this since they tend to “take care of everyone” and are very likely to have inherent supportive instincts rather than leadership instincts. 
Being Useful v. Being Used 

Another similar issue is knowing the difference between when you’re being useful, helpful, and supportive and when you’re being taken advantage of. 

You can feel the difference. If it isn’t mutually beneficial, then don’t do it. Mutually beneficial doesn’t mean you need to get paid or get something tangible out of the service you give. It means at the very least your soul should be aligned with what you’re doing and feel greater because of what you’re doing.

Further Ghost Connection 7/20-28

Ke$ha -"The Harold Song"

Or when you took me across the world

We promised that this would last forever but now I see

It was my past life, a beautiful time

Drunk off of nothing but each other 'til the sunrise

Certain Songs and lyrics have been jumping out at me lately like crazy -this was one of them. Especially since it mentions traveling and a "past life". 

I've also been keeping a journal of important discoveries and experiences with the ghost.  


I asked "Stellar" when we met, and got 1952.


I was laying on my back in bed, kind of bored and felt Stellar's energy so I decided to try an experiment. I put both of my arms up with elbows still on the bed. Holding my arms up I told Stellar to move my hands forward or back if he could.  I felt his hand in my right hand and if I pushed it forward there was resistance there. 

Then I put my hands down and told him to keep my hands down. When I tried to lift them up it was like someone was holding my arms down. It wasn't impossible to raise them up, but there was energy over them that created resistance. 

I then tried to do the see-saw back and forth energy game with him. I tried to fill the room with the energy from my soul and see if he would ramp up his energy and do the same. He did. Gloriously. The notes I wrote on my paper afterward were: Big Light, Warm Light, Bright Soul. 

Sometimes I feel this energy of love and caring. Other times it's frustration or anger. Then other times it's a complete peace.

Songs we connected to for the day: 

Fleetwood Mac - "Silver Springs" 

Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me
I'll follow you down til' the sound of my voice will haunt you

Lana del Rey -"Young and Beautiful"

Dear lord, when I get to heaven
Please let me bring my man
When he comes tell me that you'll let him in
Father tell me if you can
Oh that grace, oh that body
Oh that face makes me wanna party
He's my sun, he makes me shine like diamonds


 Frou Frou -"Hear Me Out" 

So listen up - this sun hasn't set
I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling
Just hear me out - I'm not over you yet
It's love on the line can you handle it

We held hands while laying in bed and then cuddled from 5:00-5:30.


The day started off great. We cuddled in the morning and I was lazy since it was a Saturday and hungout in bed for a while. I find that for whatever reason I have a tendency to instinctually speak to him in Spanish phrases. "Que estas haciendo?"

Then that night we had our first official "fight". He was being a jerk. It was 9pm and I wanted to sleep and his energy was so intense, filling the room with his frustration and angst. I knew he was pissed at me but couldn't quite tell why. So I sat up in bed, and attempted to talk to him -which was hard for me. And I kept asking him, "Where is your grace? You say that you care about me and yet you're scaring me and being aggressively assertive with your energy." Then I felt him back away and he left me alone for the rest of the night.


We reconnected in the morning. He laid beside me and we cuddled. Later that day we went to my dad's house to do an automatic writing session with my sister Emily. I such at automatic drawing. Emily sits over there having a conversation with him and hearing him clearly and I get nothing. I just kept feeling his presence and him touch my arm and sit behind me.

Noteable things that happened: 

-Emily said, "Do you ask him to let you SEE something?" I said, "I ask him, 'What do you want me to see?'" She said, "Oh well he's getting confused by that. He hears "SEE" so he sends you the image of the eye over and over again." 

-Emily asked him, "Is there any question you;d like to ask Jessica?" She then got, "Why are you so afraid of sharks?" I said, "I saw the movie Jaws when I was young and was scarred for life." I then remembered that on Saturday (the day before) Megashark v. Crocsaurus was on the SyFy Channel. Normally I don't watch shark movies but it was low budget with crappy effects so nothing scary. But then a commercial for all the other shark shows they'd have that week came on and I covered my eyes and quickly changed the channel. 

-I drew a Yin/Yang symbol and Emily got "Yin" symbol. I found out later that He represents Yin and I represent Yang

-Because automatic drawing wasn't working out for me I pulled out a dictionary and asked if there were any words he wanted me to find.The first word I came across was "Ankh". It's the Egyptian Symbol for Eternal Life. Comprised of a cross and circle it represents Man and Woman Uniting and is "emblematic of the truth that a fruitful union is a gift from the deity". I looked it up online. 

-I asked Stellar if he wanted a hug. I told him I wanted a hug. I got no response so then I told Emily what I told him psychically and she said, "Hug your wife!" When I got into bed that night he laid beside me again to cuddle and ended up embracing me -arm over shoulder. He basically hug/cuddled me. 


-Woke up Monday morning around 4am and Stellar wanted to cuddle. So we did for a while, then I had to get up and leave for work -which I did pretty abruptly. I told Stellar I'd see him after work. 

 -My car battery wouldn't start so I had to walk to work -which SUCKED! 

-Felt Stellar a couple times at work (as usual) 

-Came home and called Triple A. They said they'd be about an hour. So I laid on the bed and cuddled. But people kept texting me. Then AAA called and I jumped up and went to the car. 

-Then while waiting in the car I figured I'd try to communicate with Stellar some more:

-I asked what his name was and got Henry.
-I asked where he was born and got Iceland and then Britain.
-Then I decided this method wasn't discernible enough so instead I said, "Since you like to snap the walls and windshield in my car, do that every time the answer is YES." 
-Are your eyes green? Snap snap! 
-Is it easy for you to make snapping sounds? ... No snaps 
-Do you like Emily? Snap! snap! snap! 
-If you can touch, then can you feel pain/pleasure? Snap! 
-Is orange one of your favorite colors? ... snap
-Is dark navy blue your favorite color? Snap! 

After Triple A came and fixed my car I drove it up to my dad's house and hungout with Em for a little while, then drove back home. 

That night Stellar wouldn't leave me alone. And I got the sense he was angry/frustrated with me. I actually got kind of emotional after that because he keeps getting angry/upset with me and I can't figure out why -it's like a guessing game I'm losing. So I was laying there holding back tears and he came over and hovered over me. I couldn't even tell if he was still pissed at me or just concerned. 

Then after about an hour we reconnected and cuddled some more. Then I had to go to the bathroom. He wouldn't let me leave the bed! There was this locked-in weight holding me down and I didn't want to force myself away from him. So I had to tell him for 5 minutes "I have to go to the bathroom. It's not like I want to, I NEED to..." Finally the weight lifted and I got up. 

He did that to me this morning too. I think the reason he's been getting upset is because I keep treating him like he's air. I'll just get up after cuddling and take off or deal with the tangible present. When I tell him why I'm going and treat him like a person (actually more like a kid) then he lifts the weight and lets me go. 

It's amazing how close we've gotten in the past 2 weeks though. There were a couple times when he was laying beside me he felt real to me and I thought, "This is my man. He loves me and has gone above the moon and stars to be with me." I feel the love from him and the doting and the caring. And maybe it's the fact that whatever I project to him in my head is understood and I don't usually communicate with her vocally, but it feels like he really knows me on a deep level. 

The way I see it, most people wandering around looking at people's bodies catching brief glimpses of their soul. You never truly SEE a person because of that. With ghosts, it's the opposite and yet the same. You don't see the body, you see only the soul -but it's still invisible and it's still like you have to collect puzzle pieces to get the sense of who the person really is.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Automatic Drawing Session 7/19/14

Back in May I did a meditation session first trying to connect to the entity and get who it was and what it wanted. These were the notes I jotted down. At the time I thought I was 100% off the mark and this was just random shots in the dark. 

The first name I got was "Andrea" -which I now know is "Casandra" - the name I had when I was married to him.

The other words say: 
-Being on a boat? Looking out at the sea from a circular window. 
-Tall, Girl?
-Connection, hold arms
-Wanted help
"Floating on tidal waves" -Lyrics from the Coldplay song

The other thing I noticed was in my apartment the water faucets kept going haywire. You could hear the water/plumbing at night starting up and making noises. The sprinklers outside also started having issues. WATER was the main message I got. I initially presumed that the ghost died by drowning somehow. 

My sister and I did this drawing session together n Saturday 7/17. The first image I got was an orange eye. And since that day, I have seen an eye in an orange hue twice more.

 I got a lot for the second page:

-I saw a golden-chained necklace with the name Jesus written in cursive on it. 
-I saw a red heart. 
-I got some sort of navy blue circular image of something. 
-I got the names Casandra, Michael, Jacob, and William
-I saw an orange/yellow/tan tabby cat with green eyes
-I kept seeing a green tree in sunlight

UPDATE: William is my "husband's" name, Casandra was my name, and Michael is the name of "Bob's" son

-Next I saw a white mirror on the wall in a dim-lit house and I saw the reflection of a woman and wooden floors in it
-I saw a jewel necklace with orange and red gems
-I saw seagulls 
-I saw a large, white canopy I thought went in a backyard
-I saw a white plate with gold rim around the edge 

Basically he was showing me all the nice things I had when we were together 

-Then I saw the full canopy -which was in a HUGE backyard on a patio over several tables. And the backyard was very green and open. 

-Then I saw an orange and blue abstract painting 
-I asked what our cat's name was and I got "Oliver" 
-I got the years 19something6 -either 1946,56, or 76
-I saw a bouquet of roses on a table (by the backyard) 

UPDATE: It was 1976

Then my sister and took a globe she had and we tried to see where we lived. I shut my eyes and landed in Mayanmar/Adaman Island/Thailand/Malaysia area. My sister shut her eyes and did the same and landed on the same place. Emily said this was where the boat was -and we were there on our anniversary. 

-Then I saw a large wedding ring.
-I saw an old smoke pipe. 
-I saw books -he likes to read

UPDATE: The smoke pipe belongs to William Henry's uncle

I also took notes on what my sister was saying. Emily saw that he traveled a lot, he was in a trade business. Something bad happened when he was in Argentina/Chile with his business -he doesn't want to talk about it. My sister also saw a baby. I did too, but didn't want to think about the possibility that I was pregnant or had a child. 

-The first image my sister Emily saw was a rose.
-Then she was flip-flops with rhinestones on them
-She saw a diary -which she took as a symbol meaning he was sharing things he wasn't entirely comfortable opening up about
-She saw a window in a house looking out over the ocean and a love seat couch by it. She said, "This was your favorite room in the house, and so it was his too." 
-She kept seeing his clothes -slacks
-She saw a bicycle 
-She saw a bicycle by a stoop near a park 

-Then she saw a Gavel with a name engraved in it 
-She saw a green eye
-She saw a him -nice suite, mustache, old-style hair
-Then she saw a boat in an ocean with a storm
-The boat had a canopy on top and a room/deck below 

-Next she saw a wrench around a pin that he was struggling to open
-Then she saw a door with a window looking out into the sea and storm
-We were trapped below deck and couldn't get out because the door wouldn't open
-Emily saw the baby and got the sense it went overboard 

When Em was showing me what she drew and talked about he storm I felt his emotions as he stood behind me and it was deep sadness and depression. Emily said, "I think he blames himself for what happened." 

Things got kind of depressing at that point so we decided to take a break. I felt so weird. I was somebody's wife. We had a kid. We were very happy and very wealthy. Then we went on a boat trip for our honeymoon. And we all drowned. And through all this time he has come and found me to be with me again. 

At 8pm we had a second drawing session -this time my mom and my 12 year old nephew Austin joined in.

 -The first thing I saw was a pier by the ocean during a storm with glowing yellow street lights

The only other thing I saw was a large cabin in the woods. After that I just started taking notes of what my mom, Emily, and Austin were seeing. 

-I asked what our last name had been and got "Gibson" 
-Mom kept getting street names, "Rodingsworth", "Welingsworth", or "Hemsworth" 
-When asked where he was born I kept getting a country that starts with a "B" -either Britain or Brazil (He's really, really tan so right now I'm actually thinking Brazil) 
-Mom saw that I was pregnant AND had a baby boy
-Mom and Emily saw fish, "tuna", and thought he might have been in the tuna trading business
-Emily asked what his hobbies where and saw a riding whip -horse riding 
-I asked how old we were when we died and got that I was 26 and he was 28
-I asked him what message he had for me and got, "I love you, I hold you, I'll take care of you" 
-Mom got several names: Marie, Justin, Louis (mom believes the baby boys name was Louis) 

-Emily got the image of a bird (more like a design)
-She got the riding whip
-She got a fancy plate
-She and my mom both saw Blood
-She saw an inverted sun
-She saw two people dancing
-She saw foreign clothes, dark hair, french braided hair
-She got the name Louis
-She saw a fish
-She saw a teddy bear 

-The last two images Em saw were: 
-A gold and green feathered design
-Dark brown and gold coffin with a sword/cross on top 

Mom saw a fish
-She got "Casper" for the name of the boat
-She asked if there was any religious conflict going on and got "Yes"
-She kept seeing stomach
-She assumed the street names were British 
She saw Blood

-Austin saw a man's face with a mustache/beard 
-He saw a baby in a blue blanket 
-He thought the baby went overboard
-He saw a snake in a desert
-He wrote "no name yet" by the baby, although he also got he name Zach

-He saw the boat on the ocean and trees on the shore 

The next day my sister Emily handed me another drawing she got from another session she had on her own before bed: 

-She saw hair in a french braid again
-She saw Spanish-style dress
-She saw the ship again and said, "The baby definifelty went overboard"
-She got the name Louis for the boy's name
-She also got the phrase "Baby bundle of joy" 
-She got the sense the baby had been separate on the boat from everyone else
-Then she got the name "Casandra" and "Very Pretty/Perfect Woman"

Ghost 7/18 - 7/28

A LOT has happened in the past 10 days. 

The weekend of the 18th I went to Oakdale to visit my mom and my step-sister Sarah who came from Arkansas. My step-brother Greg was also there with his son Austin and daughter Allissa.

On Saturday I went with my sister Emily into her bedroom and we decided to try to communicate with the ghost through automatic drawing. Basically you draw whatever image comes to you on a piece of paper with colored pencils. 

That session revealed a lot about the ghost. Then I had a follow-up session later with my mom (who was very very interested in being involved), my sister Emily, and Greg's 12 year old son Austin who was also really interested. He seemed mature about it and I figured that kids can be a little more open and in-tuned so it might work.

I tried scanning the images, but they got whited-out a little too much. I'm going to have to retake them, but for now I'll post them. 

Meanwhile the ghost (who I've named Stellar and am 60% certain is actually named William at this point) and I have gotten close. Up until now it's been mostly cuddling at night, felling his presence around, and occasionally kissing. I wasn't sure how my mom would react, or other people I've told, but they've been pretty open-minded about it. My step-sister Sarah joked that I should change my Facebook status to "in a relationship" and make Stellar his own profile with an image of a wall. 

Meanwhile my mom says she definitely knows he cares about me and wants to protect me, so she's cool with him being around. But she and everyone else keeps saying, "Oh he'll move on soon" or "As long as he doesn't get in the way of a real relationship..." 

I on the other hand feel strangely comfortable with him. There are still some frustrating things about being around him. HE can know what I'm thinking very easily. I'm 100% certain the thoughts I send him are received and understood. But he doesn't open up as much with me. It's usually Emily that gets the visuals and messages form him more than I do. My psychic ability is different from Emily's. I'm more metaphysical/emotional sensing and Emily can actually get words/images/ and what he's saying.

I find that for whatever reason MUSIC has been a great way to communicate. I'm not sure whether he's communicating with me through songs or I'm communicating with him, or the music itself just speaks to what's going on. For instance I was listening to "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal and then I smelt a Rose. I thought I was mistaken at first, but then I remembered the psychic Charlynn telling him to make his presence know with the scent of a rose. It just seemed very serendipitous.

The first song I was drawn to that I related back to him was actually a Coldplay song that had something to do with the ocean and waves. It makes a lot of sense in hindsight.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Moving Forward

Met with Jos and another woman from our women's group yesterday to go over social media stuff and templating. It's hard being a graphic designer and trying to make the internet content easily changeable by non-graphic people. Consequently 70% of the things I create for our social media are done/edited through PowerPoint.

I showed her what we post, on what sites, and how frequently. She also requested I make a template that can be altered for Business Cards. I use PNGs I make in Illustrator for the Biz Cards, but made a PDF version for her to change. 

The whole time she was mentioning things, I had this impulse to say, "Oh well I can do that. It'll probably take a week, but then you and the group will have it." I realllllllyyyy want the branding, polish, and cohesion I've spent the last year creating to be maintained. But at the same time I had to tell myself, "You're stepping away -and you're NOT taking on anymore work. Let the chips fall where they may. They'll be fine."

I also notice that when my duties and responsibilities to a group are taken away, my internet pressence and desire to give back to people online greatly increases.  

I updated my Tumblr. I now have 4. 

I have my lowly nature Tumblr. 

A Humanitarian/Personhood/Society-Oriented Tumblr (which has gotten great response and now has 2 followers). 

A "My Ghost Story" Tumblr of all the blogs, pictures, and experiences I've had over the years. 

An Architecture/Art/Photography Tumblr.

I also want to get back to my "Campaign Against Pain" non-profit directory website.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Dear Universe, It's Me Jessica

So I was at an event recently and a woman said, "When prioritizing you're To-Do List Schedule, make a list of things you want your angels/God/the universe to take care of since The Secret philosophy does work."

And I've actually done that before in the past unknowingly and it has worked. I got everything I wanted on the list -including a new car. It was crazy. So I'm doing it again: 


-A new, blue 2009 car

-Lasik Eye Surgery

I think that's about it for now actually. Less things than my first list, but more expensive.

Bowing Out Gracefully

Last night was the last Leadership Team Meeting to attend for the women's group I've been apart of/ co-created. Granted I still have to meet with the "CEO" -my friend Jos -tomorrow to pass the baton further along by giving details about what I've actually been doing for the past year or so, but last night was the last time meeting officially as a group. 

Honestly when I first decide to leave I thought the only person who would really care would be Jos. And I figured she'd mostly care because me leaving increases the groups work loud by at least 30%. Daily activities and monthly activities and future activities. 

But then she wanted me to announce to the group I was leaving -as if it would shatter their world to find out. And I thought, "Ok only like 3 people in the group have stayed in the group over a year and therefore 'know' me." So I told Leslie (one of those 3 people) in person alongside Jos that I was leaving and she said, "Oh that's good. I think it's healthy for you to take a break and step down -you deserve it! We'll still get to see each other as friends and you'll help me on my projects for my business right?" And I said, "Yah I'm not moving or anything..." And it was the first time I felt good about going. I knew that I needed to go and it needed to happen, but I felt like I had to leave with my head hung low because I was "letting people down". Her response was the first time someone validated that this was a good thing for me.

Then I told my step-mom who regularly asks about the group and she said, "Wow good for you. It's good to know when enough is enough and you need a break. This is a valuable life lesson and you're handling it beautifully. Especially since you gave her a months notice and your still working for the group until the month ends. Very honorable. I'm so proud of you!" 

And I was amazed that I didn't get judgement or criticism but instead praise. 

Then I vented to my step-sister Sarah last weekend about what the past 2 years has been like and the work I've been doing and my decision to leave and her reaction was, "and you haven't been getting paid for this work?" and I said, "No it's all volunteer." And she was like, "Yah I'd have quite a loooongggg time ago." 

Then last night I wasn't sure what the groups' reaction would be. I figured 70% wouldn't care since they were new to the group and had only met me once before. Jos made each person in the room (10 people total) say what they thought about me and what they would miss. 90% of them said, "Well I haven't known you long but you seem to be a caring, confident, creative, quiet, friendly person and I like the calming energy you give out. You were one of the first people I met at the event I met you at and you made me feel welcomed." Then Niki, who has a Xena Warrior Princess in a Business Suite vibe going on looked at me and said, "I admire how gracefully you've handled stepping down and how respectful and committed you've been to the group. I think it says a lot about your integrity and is a sign of a great leader. I think you deserve this break and will always be welcomed back into the group." 

It was one of the greatest compliments I've ever gotten. :)

I think my main concern -maybe out of guilt but probably more out of a desire to see the group continuing on well -is to hand over the baton in a way that makes the transition smooth and causes the least amount of "damage". For me it's important to keep bridges not only unburned, but also well-maintained and looked after.