Friday, February 28, 2014

Birthday + Ghost Activity

Well it seems like when the universe is trying to tell you something it ends up coming out at once from multiple sources. 

My birthday started out good. My desk looked pretty awesome. :) 

But by the end of the day I was tired and kind of resentful. I spent most of the day shipping products to foreign countries. Before I left my co-workers presented me with a card and the chocolate cream pie I requested. I noticed an interesting star marking at the bottom of the card where one co-worker had signed and read: 

"Sam + Dean Winchester wish you a happy demon-free birthday." 

The person who wrote it is a guy I don't speak to very often and I was surprised that he knew about supernatural at all until he told me his wife and daughter watch it all the time and he heard that I like the show. 

A few other co-workers saw his note on the card and also stated similar things: 

"Happy Bday! 'Demon-free' sounds boring! Maybe just a hell hound or two." 

My sister wrote: "Those are invisible and scary, Plus they would eat the cake."

After I finished the pie, I had to leave early to go to a meeting for the women's group with two young entrepreneurs who want to be involved on the marketing division for our group. Then after that meeting I immediately had to drive over to Jos' for what I thought was going to be an hour meeting that turned into a rest-of-the-night meeting and I ended up going home around 8pm. 

I was crapped out and stressed so I decided to take a shower before I went to sleep for the night. I was in my apartment about 2 minutes when I felt this burning sensation on my leg. I was confused because it's not like I bumped into anything. So then I checked my leg and BAM! Scratches. :( 

I reallllly need to go to Catholic church and get some Holy water like STAT.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Left in the Rain

Well this sucks. Today I attempted to go to the nearest Catholic church and get some Holy water to sprinkle around my apartment and on myself like the psychic suggested. It was an epic pilgrimage to get there because I was tired from work and just wanted to go home and it was pouring rain.

Then I went to go into the church looking for their administrative office. First place I actually came to was just the main greeting hall that had tables and shelves full of all sorts of brochures. I skimmed through the brochures looking for a map/layout of the church so I could find where the administrative office was. Did not find it. But I did realize that you can tell a lot about a church based on the content of its brochures.

For example, the church I usually go to is more "modern" and wealthy to some extent so their pamphlets are clean, organized, modern, and practical. Visuals aside, the content is also very strait forward and doesn't really beg you to come to the church but gives more of a "if you want to come check us out, you're perfectly welcome" kind of an attitude where there's no pressure and the ball is in your court. They say "This is who we are, this is what we're about, and if you want to be a part of this then great!"

This Catholic church on the other hand had materials that had more of a "You need to come to this church to hear more about Jesus and we have a lot of stuff we can email you and we highly encourage you to talk to people here and we're just generally a little more eager and intent on getting people to attend things in general here."  I didn't like it.

So after realizing the main room was a dead end I went to go wandering around the church to find the administrative office... outside... in the pouring rain... and I finally found it!

The office hours said they were open from 9am -6pm Monday through Thursday. But the door was locked. And now one was at the front desk. So I left. In the rain. With no Holy water.

What if this was an emergency? We have a fireman squad to put out fires, why can't we have a spiritual squad to take out demons, ghosts, or other spiritual afflictions???

Seriously though, what if tomorrow ALL of our religious institutions and affiliated members disappeared. How would we get Holy water? How do you make it in the first place? Why aren't these information/ items readily available to people?

There should be some sort of foundation/ organization/ group that carries spiritual supplies from Candles to Sage, Holy Water, Salt, Verses, Groups that will come to your home and pray, Incense, and other things one might need if there was a spiritual emergency.

I can go down to a grocery store 5 minutes in any direction and choose from 12 different kinds of toothpaste to brush my teeth, but when my SOUL is in need where do you go? Why is it so hard to find things for spiritual use? Soul trumps body. I want a convenient way to:

1. Know what items/ services/ practices are needed to solve spiritual afflictions

2. How to obtain said services or items in an easy, convenient way and then help others do the same

Ghost Update and B-Day

Not much happened last night ghost-wise. I spent about 10 minutes doing the "meditation" and reciting the words in my head. I woke up twice. At 3:30am I awoke to the strong sense of a negative/angry presence -though the presence seemed to be nowhere in particular. Mostly just a strong, overpowering sense that is was there. Then again at 4:30am with the same strong, negative presence. 

Last night I also got a surprise treat from my women's group. I got cupcakes, sparkling apple cider, and $40! Then today at Toastmasters I got a bouquet of flowers, a mini cake, and table topics cards! At one point everyone went around the room stating quickly what they liked most about me. It was amazing to hear what people said. Phrases that stuck out were: I like your your commitment to TM and your innocence, you're a friend, your a leader, you've overcome so much, your supportive, you're warm, you're sweet, you're unexpectedly funny, you have a lot of kindness and grace... It was awesome! And it isn't even my birthday yet! 

What was also interesting was that before I went to TM, while I was still in my apartment getting ready, I sat down and did the "stretch arms above your head and close your eyes and try to connect to God" meditation. It really is empowering. When your arms are outstretched upward and the palms of your hands are spread open, there is a warmth that comes at some point and it really feels like your connecting to something greater. I also notice that while my eyes are closed, through the shades of my eyelids, the room seems to get brighter/lighter. I can't tell if this is just my mind tricking me or it's a spiritual thing.

The other funny thing about today is that my friend Jos gave me a paper that has a description printed off of a website about a ghost tour in San Francisco. At the top of the paper Jos wrote "Two Tickets". I thought, Oh... I've talk to Jos about ghost shows and stuff a few times and she knows I'm interested in the paranormal to some extent -but she also isn't aware of my policy about avoiding ghosts and the recent troubles I've been having with the entity at my apartment... I feel bad because it's a really thoughtful gift, but my first instinct is to give it to my sister or someone else who wants to go on a ghost tour at night. Dangz...

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

DBV 2-25-14

"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief." – Psalm 31:9 (NIV)

Thought: I kind of want to know the context. It's weird to ask God for forgiveness/mercy when you are feeling weak/depressed. You have to figure He knows what you;re growing through and should be turned to as a source of strength rather than sought for mercy from His wrath. It's always strange to me when people apologize for things they can't necessarily control or things that aren't their fault.

Ending Ghost Activity

So my mom called me last night and said she spoke with her friend Angie who's a psychic. Angie said she didn't know what was following me, but she could help me try to get rid of it. Angie is Catholic so one of her suggestions is to go to a Catholic church and get some Holy Water and sprinkle it in each room of the apartment and on myself. I guess churches give the water away for free. I think I'll also ask for a few crosses when I'm there to hang more on the walls. I want my apartment to be the Fort Knox of Pro-Spirituality/Christianity, Anti-Ghost.

Then Angie gave some specific instructions on what to do for the time being. She said: 

1. Draw a picture of yourself. Around the image of you, create a circle of gold/yellow light. Make sure you're surrounded by the light in the drawing. Then hang up the picture in one of the main rooms/halls of your home.

2. Sit in a quiet space and "meditate" -aka concentrate on one thought/message to send out. Say the following over and over in your head and then out loud with both arms reaching up over your head towards the sky: 

"By the Lord Jesus Christ I demand all dark and negative things to leave this space. I bring in the Light, Love, and Peace of God. God please take this off my hands, I need your help. I need my angels to come wrap themselves around me."

She also said to envision yourself in a shower of light -surrounded by it. So I drew the image and did the meditation for about 30 minutes -saying it out loud several times. While I was sitting in my chair by the dinner table beginning the meditation the light above started to flicker on and off -which was weird because it hasn't done that before. But after a couple minutes it stopped.

After I was done I got up and walked around my apartment. It did feel different! I felt renewed and "full" and the apartment felt a lot warmer and "empty" in some ways. I was sooooo happy. :) 

Then when it was time for bed, just to be on the safe side I moved my 2 crosses that normally hang in the living room onto the walls of my bedroom. I then sat in bed for another 10 minute and did the meditation over again. I then got up and walked around my apartment again. The living room felt normal/warm. But the bedroom still felt a little "off". I didn't know what else to do, so I got in bed and started listening to music. I also worked on breathing energy into my chest -which makes you feel spiritually empowered.

Then I stopped listening to music after a little while and rolled over to go to bed -feeling secure and assured in my soul. Then I felt the presence. I thought, CRAP. It didn't go away after all that??? Oh well I'll build up my energy and picture myself in a nice ball of light. 

Actually imagining yourself covered in light is reallllllly hard when you're in the dark. I did my best. It took about 20 minutes before it really started to kick-in. I noticed that the entity would come close to my bed as it had before and I would begin to feel its presence press up against mine, and I would try to "push it away" spiritually with my energy and it would work and then run out and the presence around me again. 

After a couple hours of back and forth with the entity, I finally fell asleep and throughout the rest of the night nothing happened. Normally I am awoken at 2-3am and then 4-4:30am. This time it was just 4am. It made noises in the hallway and the living room -clear and distinct footsteps and then the sound of some object being messed with at one point. But it didn't come back into my room. It seemed to come to the doorway of my room, but not actually in it. 

I figure getting rid of this thing will be like getting rid of ants -it will be consistent steps over a long period of time to drive it out. 

Monday, February 24, 2014

Pisces Decor

Recently got an email advertising for a home furnishing store that apparently takes the Zodiac into consideration -mostly on a superficial level. 

YOU CAN'T CALL IT PISCES-THEMED DECOR JUST BECAUSE IT HAS IMAGES OF FISH ON IT AND IS OCEAN/BEACH THEMED. All of the decor they listed makes me want to throw up. I would never have anything that "rustic" and "beachy" in my home. I want ethereal, classic, artistic, and unique. Not day-at-the-beach with everything turquoise and clunky and nautical-themed.

A Happy Birthday

Ghost issues aside, I'm having a pretty good birth"day" week. I went to mom's this past weekend. Caught up on some episodes of Ghost Adventures featuring a trip they took to Transylvania to visit Vlad's castle. I also got to see my mom and my step-dad Dean. I then got a new pair of pants AND new boots that I love!!! I also got Prisoners on DVD.

Then on Sunday my sister and I decided to use up an old gift certificate I had for an old-fashioned tea party place in San Jose. Alas, they were more high maintenance than originally anticipated and the whole place was booked so we had to re-schedule for today. You now have to schedule to drink tea, but whatever. Dismayed by the tea place not being available that day, my sister and I instead decided to opt-into seeing the Lego Movie -which was pretty good. The only downside to this week is that I'm still insanely busy, but other than that it's looking pretty awesome.


This entire week the ghost activity has kind of been really heightened and a lot more active. The only thing that seems to be the "cause" that I can think of for this is my Birthday is this week. 

Last Saturday night was spent at my mom's house. I really have to stop assuming that leaving my apartment will end the ghost activity. I first woke up at 12am and heard noises but then blissfully discovered my mom's dog Riley asleep in the living room -she's our security guard at night. So feeling safe I went back to sleep. Then at 2am I woke up again hearing sounds. At one point I actually got up to see if Riley was still in the living room and unfortunately she had gone into my mom's room so I was all alone. I tried going back to sleep, but kept feeling a presence really close by. It wasn't like the feelings/experiences I had had in the room in the past. The ghost at my mom's house didn't have as much of a presence and would just sit on the edge of the bed. This on the other hand was definitely the same entity from my apartment. 

I tried being "present" to what was happening, but my mind did keep wandering trying to distract itself. 3 times I hit this moment where I wasn't thinking anything in particular, but I still wasn't quite being present to what was going on around me, and a thought popped into my head randomly that seemed to come from nowhere. The first time this happened the word "demon" popped into my head -which I initially thought was just me thinking to myself without me anticipating it. The second time it was the phrase "Satanic ritual". That one was weird because I hadn't been thinking anything in particular before hand and it just kind of "popped up" out of nowhere. The final time this happened I got the phrase "Our Manhood" -which totally threw me for a loop because I had no idea where that phrase had come from or even what it meant. 

I finally gave up trying to go to sleep around 3am and decided the only way I was going to get any sleep was by going into my sister's room and claiming the floor as my new home. But even that didn't work out that well because I STILL felt the presence come around 3 times after that. I eventually conked out and woke up around 8am.

Last night was no better. It was nice being back in my room though. I tried noting what it was exactly that I was hearing/feeling so I could describe it later. At one point I noted:

"I am feeling a presence in the room -but not standing by my bed. Sound of a footstep or shifting of weight in the doorway. Followed immediately by the sound of the ceiling cracking. Followed by my ears ringing -slowly getting louder. Now the sense that something is getting really close -standing behind me at my bed side. Now something is getting even closer. Heart pounding. Sense of heaviness and the immediate presence of a person. This lasts for about 2-3 minutes then the feeling lifts and it feels like the presence is heading back to the entryway of my bedroom. 2 loud cracking sounds -one on the wall of my bedroom, the other on the ceiling." 

This went on off and on throughout the night. I actually first woke up at 1am -feeling no presence in the room. Then a little while later, I sensed it come into the room again. Things intensified and it felt like the energy kept building and getting stronger. This lasted until around 3:30am when I finally managed to fall asleep again. 

When I was still in Oakdale on Sunday my mom asked me how I had slept that night and I told her what had happened. My mom was surprised to find out that my sister and I have been experiencing ghost activity so frequently and to the extent it has been out. She asked my for my hair brush -my mom knows 3 people who are psychic in different ways. She had shared some stories of experiences she had had with them. So she's going to ask her psychic friend to read my hairbrush -which has my "essence" attached to it -and see what she can find out about the entity that's following me. 

Friday, February 21, 2014

DBV 2-21-14

"What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." – 1 Corinthians 3:5-7 (NIV)

Thoughts: Who is Apollos? Haven't heard that story yet... But everything else that was said makes sense. So often people try to do great things to gain credit, attention, and popularity for themselves. Really everything you do should go towards honoring God -since it is through Him that you have the life you live in the first place. Everything you do and everything you are come from Him ultimately. And in the example given -Water and Soil are also things that God created that make the plant grow so really man is just the helper of bringing about great things. 

What Do You Do When...

Ken has cheated on my sister's best friend Stephy repeatedly. Stephy's put up with it over the years. And all the times he's told her she's not good enough and needs to improve. 

And all the arguments.

And the break-ups and get back together.

And that time when they got back together and Ken found out that when they were apart Stephy had considered dating someone else so Ken told her, "While I'll just go sleep with a hooker then if that's the way you're going to behave." 

And today I found out that during their fight last night he hit her repeatedly.

I can't take this crap. I was physically shaking and my heart was racing when I found out. Then I noticed a picture Stephy posted on her Facebook page...

And saw that Ken had "Liked" the picture. Which I felt was his ironic way of pretending nothing happened.

I decided to let Ken know directly that I knew what he had done and I was NOT ok with it. So I reposted the same image on his wall with the words, "TRUTH" posted above so he'd get the message. Here are the private messages I received shortly after on Facebook:

Ken: "Thanks for that Jessica. Like I haven't been plagued by regret and trying to move forward. I know what I did was wrong and I know that Em told you what happened. So please, if you're going to post things like that, I'd appreciate it if you didn't make it so obvious. Thank you. And just so you know, I'm deleting that from my wall. I already liked Stephy's same post she posted on her wall."

Me: "It's just amazing after all the cheating you've done that you'd do something like that too. You really aren't the person I thought you were."

Ken: "I'm not the person I want to be right now."

Simultaneously I receive this private message:  

Stephy: "I was kind of wondering if you could please take down that link you posted on Ken's wall down about the man is not a man when he hits a girl or whatever. Just don't want anymore trouble then it already has happen. He is already aware what he did. And I feel it's just going to cause more problems which I don't really want or need so please take it off his wall it would be much appreciated."

Me: "He just deleted it. But I don't think pretending like it didn't happen is going to change or improve anything either. If you were my sister I'd do the same."

Stephy: "I am aware of that me and him are already not talking anymore and we are not seeing each other anymore because of what happened he really just needs space to be away from everyone for now."

Simultaneously in another message from a mutual friend of Ken and mine named David: 

David: "I noticed that you posted a meme to kens wall about men hitting women. And while I think I agree with it, I don't agree with you posting it on his wall. And I would like to ask that if it's still there, that you send it to him in a private message instead publicly on his wall. And the reason I ask this is because I think it will just add fuel to the fire." 

Me: "Yah Ken deleted it and Stephy said to keep things quiet. Stephy seems to have a habit of sweeping things under the rug and given the severity of what happened, someone should say something. It's done and over now."

David: "Not to worry. It's being taken care of. There are plenty of people to say something. But ken is not in a place where he's going to listen to a lot of people right now. He knows what he did was wrong. But you have to be careful about posting things like that at someone because it can really hurt them a lot more than just personally, and you don't want that on your conscience knowing he's in direct sales. I'm not trying to lecture you or anything, and I'm sorry if it comes off that way. Because I don't know how else to say it. It's not that anyone is sweeping it under the rug. So it's nothing personal against you or anything, and I'm not taking sides, but this is why I wanted you to call me, because I care. :) I personally wouldn't want ken to go off on you. Ya know?"

Me: "I've kept my mouth shut about a lot of things Ken has done -including all the times he cheated on Stephy. At some point someone has to openly acknowledge and make it aware that an abuse is occurring. Typically I wouldn't say anything, but today was an exception I felt needed to be made."

David: "Thumbs up." 

Me: "Thanks :)"

David: "Feel free to do so. I have noticed it too. Just keep things like that private because it is a private matter. I'm not condoning anything that he did at all, but he is human, and he is clearly having a huge problem dealing with parts of his life right now. Because of the 8 years I've known him, I have never seen anything as bad as this. Its not something that needs to be announced to the world, and that's what we're doing if we post stuff like that publicly on the internet like that. Please* "

Me: "Ok. Noted."

David: "Thanks you. I really appreciate it :) " 

Me: "No prob. Just trying to deal with everything."

David: "Yea me too. I'm trying to help Steph sort of "wake up" to the things she's saying, and help her understand that there really wasn't anything she did wrong."

Me: "Yah she always seems to blame herself after these things."

David:  It's not a bad thing to look at yourself as long as you look what you can learn from it to be a better a person, but steph is just putting herself down and torturing herself. She's being way overly hard on herself. But unfortunately that's kind of the norm in relationships like this. But the difference is that ken knows what he did is wrong. Normally the abusive partner doesn't even see it as wrong. 

Me: "Hopefully they can both move forward in their lives and gain a better sense of self and peace in life."

David: "Yah! I hope so too! By the way I love the photos from your photoshoot! They are very beautiful!"

Me: "Thanks :) "

So what is "right" to do in this situation? Say nothing? Post nothing? Keep it a "private" thing? I don't know. Pray it never happens again.

I Dreamed a Haiku

Normally my dreams are just random. Non-relaity based, nothing that could actually happen, random. Last night was different. 

I had a dream I was in a writing/speech class with my step-mom and we were with a group of about 30 other students. We were then give our first assignment: Write a poem based around a certain point in your life that happened before -either your childhood, teenhood, or young adulthood. I got out my pen and paper, kind of worried, and then stared at the blank page for about 20 minutes. Then I started panicking.

I couldn't come up with anything! I couldn't pick an era of my life, I couldn't rhyme even if I had the info to rhyme about, and I couldn't make it that long. 5 minutes until pencils down and I started freaking out. My step-mom kept asking why I was struggling. "Why don't you just write it down and go from there?" I got up angrily and said, "I can't! This isn't working!!!" I lost it. I went off and when my step-mom started arguing back I essentially told her to f*ck off. I felt out of my depths. 

So then I looked at the clock. Class ended at 4pm and the clock said 3:51pm. They only have tie for like 2 speeches!!! YAY!!! Then another student said, "No that clocks an hour behind." NOOOOOOOOO...

I went outside the classroom and sat on the grass by a park bench. I thought, Why is this happening? I know I shouldn't be yelling and freaking out like this. I need to remember God and not worry so much. What happened? I used to just go with the flow and have faith that things would work out. Why am I getting so worked up over this? I need to just calm myself and breathe.

So then I listened to the teacher give the first speech as I sat there feeling defeated with my empty crumpled-up paper. The teacher's poem didn't rhyme. I realized: It's one of THOSE poems! The non-ryhme kind!!! I'm saved!!! If only I can write 4 lines of words that pertain to some aspect of my childhood I can make it home free!!!

Then the teacher turned to me and said, "Ok Jessica let's hear your poem." I didn't hesitate, I said, "No. You pick somebody else to go first." The teacher was like, "Ok we'll have Melinda go next..." 

I started writing as fast as I could. JUST 4 LINES OF WORDS... It just kind of came to me. Here's the Haiku: 

"I was born into a pink room with a yellow baby carriage, stuffed animals and furry dogs to match. 

My small world seemed a universe of soft comfort and familiar faces. Round like a perfect bubble.

Then Yelling. Arguing. Crying. Confusion. Shifting of places. Rearranging of lives and furniture. 

My sister and I would be the only connection they would ever have between them again." 

It was a weird Haiku, but given the pressure, the limited time, and the fact that it was in a DREAM it was surprisingly clear and deep. And when I spoke it the whole room responded to it and applauded me for sharing it. I surprised myself.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

DBV 2-20-14

I just want to say that today has been long and frustrating in general and there's been a million things happening and I just want to take this moment to say I love God. So much. If I didn't have God in my life I don't know what I'd do with myself. 

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." – 1 John 1:8-9 (NIV)

Thoughts: John is my favorite. :) It always bothers me when people point out the "sins" of others. When yous top to think about it, we're all in the same boat. It's hard admitting our mistakes -but pretending you've never made any is the worst one you can make.

Freedom of Speech?

Today I received a complaint by one of our oldest Toastmasters. Technically he always emails us and often complains about all sorts of things in general related to Toastmaster meetings such as:

-Meeting room arrangements
-Number of speakers who spoke today
-Officer team
-Meeting format
-Meeting Schedules

The list is endless and continuous. Today I got one from him complaining about the Topics of recent speeches claiming they have been too controversial -which is something he has complained of a fwe times in the past. 

My initial reaction was, Oh he must be talking about Martin's speech or Declan's speech. Martin recently spoke about how we as Americans should buy American-made things and stop buying from foreign countries so we can become self-sustaining again instead of just selling things manufactured in other countries. Declan spoke about the Good, Bad, and Ugly of China -which included government corruption and extreme use of execution of citizens. 

But Len wasn't referring to any of these. Instead he was referring to Louis' speech about observing ones life line. Louis, who was born and primarily raised in India, basically shared how what he had accomplished so far in his life -starting with marrying his wife in his 20s, having his kids in his 30s, and fulfilling himself in his job in his 40s. He said eh was looking forward to his 50s, 60,s and beyond. At one point he mentioned his hope for future generations to live in a place of equality -where everyone got a fair share in life and worked for equal pay. He suggested that Socialism might be a good thing for this country to consider. 

Len said in his email, "At our last meeting, I was biting my tongue so hard, I thought it had started to bleed.   Enthusiastically promoting socialism, is a topic that will offend many." Len basically argued that if we didn't talk to members who speak of controversial subjects members will leave our club and we'll be run dry. 

This got me wondering: What subjects ARE considered controversial in our oddball world of today? 

The Top List of "Controversial" Subjects Include:

-Abortion –have heard it when Ayu spoke of once considering it before being convinced to give birth to her daughter who is now 13 and she loves very much

-Animal Rights/ Animal Testing


-Recreational Drugs –I heard someone mention smoking pot in a speech once

-Borders/ Illegal Aliens

-Gay Marriage/ Homosexuality –Heard a gay man give a speech for International Contest once

-Gun Rights


-Death Penalty


-Current Wars/ Terrorism


-Recent Presidents

-Foreign Governments/ Cultural Practices

-Religion/Atheism/ God/ Spirituality/ Creationism -Have heard several people give speeches either mentioning God/spirituality or directly quoting the Bible. Louis actually did for one of his speeches since he's openly Christian 

-Global Warming/ Climate Change 

-Republicans and Democrats 

-Political/Celebrity Scandals 


-Supernatural/Paranormal/ Aliens/Ghosts… 

So basically my blog would be banned. 
At what point do you say you can't say something? It's kind of awkward because when you take all the "controversial" subjects what you get are a list of subjects people either:

1. Aren't Comfortable Talking About or 
2. Have Strong Argumentative Opinions About It Which Will Lead to Confrontations

And what does ignoring and avoiding these subjects lead to? Ignorance and indifference. Nobody bothers getting informed because they don't want to take a stance and then know nothing about the subject itself and/or they decide their position will make no difference so they don't take one. And what subjects are we teaching people to be indifferent towards: 

-Human Life Itself
-Soul, Afterlife, Meaning of Life
-The Environment, Animals, and Planet We Live On
-Human Suffering, Persecution, Annihilation as Caused by Other Humans
-Human Social Interactions and Treatment In Society
-Policies on Weapons Used to End Human Life 
-Policies on How Countries Should Be Governed 

Basically human and non-human existence as we have come to know it. But you CAN talk about walking your dog on a nice sunny day to the beach. Actually you can't because "Owning Pets" falls under the controversial subject of "Animal Rights" since some would argue "owning" an animal is wrong. Crap.

Ghost Activity 2-19 and 2-20

Well all was quiet for a little while. The past 2 nights have changed though. I think whatever this is just holds back and collects its energy then comes out will more force every once in a while.

The past 2 days the presence has been far more specific and oppressing. I can intuitively sense where it is in the room -and often it seems to be standing right beside my bed or right behind me. I can feel the heaviness fall over and the negative energy from whatever this is come near. I swear, if  this thing makes itself seen and appears to me, I'm getting all my Christian friends and holding a house-cleansing. Until then I'm just going to keep ignoring it. It seems like whenever I remind myself that God has things handled and ultimately I have nothing to fear the entity tends to go away for a little while.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

DBV 2-19-14

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken." – Psalm 55:22 (NIV)

Thoughts: This is kind of the conclusion I came to when looking back over things with my life coach the other day. I said when it felt like I was sinking my instinct was to try and gain as much control over things as I could and I felt overwhelmed and buried. I essentially tried to prescribe myself a solution logically and ended up getting lost. But when I gave up and just put faith in God that He could handle what I couldn't and take some of the weight from my shoulders things ended up working out better.

Meaning in Life 2-19-14

Part 1 of the Worksheet:

For 10 days (9 left) in the middle of each day answer the questions:

1. How much meaning was in my life today? 

The highlights of my day were:

-Seeing a new member of my Toastmasters who suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder give his first speech. He actually had to pause a couple times because his nerves started to get to him, but when he spoke it was totally honest and the content was often funny. He ended up winning 1st place! 

-Accomplishing a lot on my to-do list for work. At 10:15am I thought I had about 80% of my work completed and then 3 new projects were added. I felt overwhelmed but just kept plugging through and a got a lot more done than I thought I would. I also completed (for the most part) artwork for my friend's dad who's writing a book similar to the Hunger Games. The images turned out well and now I'm just waiting to hear back from him on whether he likes it.

2.What did it feel like?

Seeing the guy speak at Toastmasters felt kind of inspiring. I was silently rooting for him the whole time. At one point it occured to me: This is why people support "the underdog". We all want people -especially those who are struggling -to succeed and overcome because it gives us hope and pushes us to move forward in our own lives. 

Finishing more of my work was nice because it made me feel like I could breathe a little easier and relax more. No use worrying -just take care of the problems in front of you and they'll slowly dissipate. 

3. What was the source of the meaning? 

Human spirit and the ability to persevere/ overcome things.

4. How did it impact what happened next in my day? 

The rest of my day -which is mostly gone now -has been pretty chill. It feels like the pressure is off.

5. What did I learn from this? 

Just keep going -even if you're struggling in the moment. 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Meaning in Life Exercise

In our last life coaching session, Nadine gave me a worksheet to fill out on my own called "Meaning in Life". It's funny because I created the "What Matters" list in a previous blog. This worksheet is supposed to help me figure out what items go in the What Matters list. 

Part 1 of the Worksheet:

For 10 days straight in the middle of each day answer the questions:

1. How much meaning was in my life today? 

Not much. Mostly catching up on emails. The only thing I did that really felt worth-while were:

-Posting about an upcoming event for our women's group because I actually took the time to go "off the script" and list reasons for people to attend that seemed more relevant.

-Posting on Pinterest because I have followers on there and feel like I owe them my planned-out, organized posts. 

-Posting in my blog because it helps me get clear on what has happened, what is happening, and where I'm headed.

2.What did it feel like?

Somewhat fulfilling but in a small way. 

3. What was the source of the meaning? 

Connecting to people in some form or other. 

4. How did it impact what happened next in my day? 

I keep looking forward. Like I still have a lot to accomplish today -whether it's meaningful or not. Work is work. 

5. What did I learn from this? 

It's interesting that the small, day-to-day things I do that feel like they matter have an underlying purpose of connection. 

3 Day Weekend

This past weekend I...

Saturday: I went to visit with a woman I once met named Liz. Liz sells services from a business called SendOut Cards. She sent out invites on Facebook to invite people to meet up wither her on Saturday at 11am to go over the services offered. I decided to go, more out of a place of support. But then after she went over what her business offers I decided to get an account an start using it. 

Then I went to my dad's house to see if my sister wanted to come to an introductory speaking coach class later that day. She wasn't there so I invited my step-mom instead. Basically the woman hosting the class was another woman I met through our women's group named Lynn. Lynn helps people embody the message they want to share. Lynn had us greet members of the group by silently looking at one person at a time in the eye. No words -just trying to send out he message of "I'm glad you're here." Then each woman got up in fonrt of the group and spoke for about 1-2 minutes on "What makes you happy." It was harder than I thought it would be. Always nervous speaking in front of a new group. Then each woman spoke 1 word to positively describe the woman who just spoke. My accumulated words from the group were: 

-Pure Soul

I really want to sign up for the class, which consists of 4 sessions. But March is too busy of a month so I have to wait for a later date for the class to pop up. My step-mom also saw one of her friends at the class and we went out to dinner with her to Fish Market -which I had never been to before but will go to again because it was delicious. 

Sunday: Slept in, finally. Then went to Jos' house at 1:30pm to do strategy session for our women's group. She's basically booked every Sunday until the end of time for the small, internal PHB business to strategize over things. These meetings consist of Me, Jos, Leslie, and Hollman mostly brainstorming and attempting to accomplish things -which as I've said before is hard because they are brainstorm-oriented, not data-entry implementers. 

Then I had to leave the meeting early at 4:30pm because my Uncle Brad, Aunt Mary, and 2 cousins were in town and we had to drive to Oakland to meet them and my other cousin Elly. We went to an Ethiopian restaurant -first one I'd ever been to. It's kind of like Chinese where you get a combination of different food on one large, shared plate that everyone then picks off of. Only we didn't have individual plates -instead we had bread/burrito kind of stuff to scoop all the things we wanted to eat into.

Monday: Me Leslie at Starbucks at 11am in Sunnyvale -a pretty far distance form my place. Went over plans for me to finish the infographic she's paying me to work on as well as sending her the logo so she can use it as an avatar on her Facebook. Also discussed plans for her website.

Then drove over to East San Jose to pick up my mentees for our first outing -like I've discussed in a previous post. Despite all the planning, my first mentee I went to pick up called me and said "I'm not at my house, I forgot we made plans to go out. Oh well..." This was moderately surprising, but not really. My mentees have a habit of being kind of flaky -especially since they're teenagers. So then I went to pick up mentee 2 who was able to go. We then went to her location of choice: The Winchester Mystery House, which I hadn't been to in years. I've decided to start reliving my childhood through my mentees and just take them to places I went to as a kid and loved and haven't been to in forever. The mystery house was interesting for me, because I've been there a couple times before but never noticed the Mandala Designs on the walls as well as the use of Spiderwebs in the designs -which are like mandalas as well. Very spiritual lady.

Then I dropped of my mentee and headed out for my final life coach session with Nadine at 4:30pm. Nadine gave me a final worksheet to fill out on my own and we discussed all the things we'd accomplished over the past 6 months. Basically I'm closer to my goals than I was before, but I'm still on the journey.

Then at 7pm I headed over to Outback Steakhouse to have a dinner to catch up with my buddy Alex.

Monday: Catch up one the 13375836 billion emails sent to me (mostly by Jos and Toastmasters) over the 3 day weekend. Jos sends me one saying: 

"Hollman (a nutritionalist health coach, cook, and event planner) brings snacks to each of the internal strategy sessions on Sunday. She is allotting a budget for herself from $10-15. Would you be interested in pitching in either with money or food for these meetings."

This is why our women's group/ business isn't succeeding as well as it could be. Instead of using these meetings as a way to really hammer in some nails we're now distracting ourselves with the logistics of bringing in food to snack on during the meetings. Have people bring their own food if they're hungry -making food a priority is getting away from the ultimate goal of accomplishing sh*t at these meetings!!! I hate the feeling of wasting my time -especially since I don't have as much of it, and even less to myself. Let's make things happen and keep focused on what matters.