Sunday, July 31, 2016

Healing Saga Continues

Found out Dr. M******, the urologist I was going to see doesn't take Medicaid. So then I went on an epic quest to find a new urologist that does. Thanks in part to -my new favorite site -I found a doctor with 4 Stars that I'm scheduled to meet next Friday. 

I also tragically noted that of the list of 40 suggested urologists from Medicaid's website that were alleged to take patients with Medicaid, only 2 of those 40 were women. So when I went on I purposely sought out women urologists that were available and would take Medicaid. The number of women urologists themselves was very small compared to men, but I still manged to find one. Only 2 Women out of 40 Men in ANY profession is a unfathomable at this point in our human history.  

In other news, got some updates no my family health history and discovered my great-grandma had Colon Cancer, my grandma Uterine Cancer, and my mom had Endometriosis polyps and a benign tumor on her ovaries. In other words, my mom's side of the family doesn't have the best track record for uterus-related issues. Hopefully this turns out to be nothing serious. 

The other weird health thing that happened was, about a week ago I met up with my fellow job-search friends James and Curtis and Curtis mentioned a good dentist he went to go see and said he could get me his number in case I ever needed him since I'm still sort of new to Colorado. 

Then later that day my step-mom said that while I was covered under Medicaid I should go see a dentist and maybe an eye doctor just for a checkup. 

Then 3 days ago I get a sharp pain in one of my lower-mouth teeth off to the side of my mouth. 

Then I get my DentaQuest Medicaid card in the mail yesterday. 

Then today I saw this post:

Still not sure if I should see the dentist or not. I want to see if my tooth just heals on its own. 

Today I managed to go to church (the one that had the art/author festival) and one of the things they mentioned was looking for the Lesson in life's tragedies and issues. What can I learn from this? 

So I kind of asked myself that, What messages have I received because of this that will be of some benefit to know in the future? 

The conclusion I've reached is how IMPERATIVE it is for Healing to be made available to all people. Health isn't something to f*ck around with. And people shouldn't be playing money games around a person's well-being and life. Christ healed ALL freely. He didn't charge for His gifts of grace, they were shared with everyone. And we have the capacity to honor His sacrifice and His blessings by echoing those sentiments as a people. God HEALS indiscriminately. 

The other understanding was how spiritually Blessed in Kindness those that look after others are. The real saints of this world are nurses. The gratitude and appreciation I have for their care towards me is immeasurable. They made me feel human and safe when it seemed like I was alone in uncertainty. 

Give of your Grace Freely through acts of Caring. 

*Update: For anyone who ever finds themselves in need of follow-up with health insurance provider or in this case Medicaid, do it as soon as you can and don't hesitate and follow these basic instructions: 

#1 The Customer Contact Center on your medical card is bull. They will leave you on hold for the next millennium. Skip it. 

#2 A lot of medical insurers now have online portals you can go on and fill out information on and even ask questions. Make sure they have your case number and Member ID/Policy Number. 

#3 Ask for a Case Worker or how to find one to go over your specific situation and what will or won't be covered. 

#4 To get a hold of your Case Worker either call incessantly to another line that will also probably leave you on hold for the next 1,000 years or go to the actual department/office where that person is likely to be located. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Dream - Law v. Nonviolence

I've had 2 dreams in the past 2 days and so my goal is to track them and then share them when I've accumulated enough. However the universe isn't that organized and methodical so last night I had a dream that I felt deeeeeeply compelled to write about today somewhat out-of-order. 

7/26: The dream began with my sister and I painting the exterior of a house in a nice suburb area. We were literally painting it -not with house paint -but with actual oil paints and watercolor paints. My aunts were nearby hanging out with us admiring our work. 

At one point I walked away to go get something and I came back I was wearing a robe over my shorts and t-shirt because I had my catheter in and didn't want anyone to see it. You could kind of tell that there was something bulky underneath the robe, but there wasn't anyone around and I didn't think anyone would care. 

Then out of nowhere a policeman walks up to me and says very abruptly, "What's under the robe???!" And I was just kind of confused, like, "What's the big deal". But he starts reaching for his gun and acting like I'm a terrorist with a detonation device on and I kind of roll my eyes at him and try to walk away. He sort of follows behind and keeps asking me, "What's under there" and makes it seem like he's going to take my robe from me. I was completely baffled why I was being accused of harm by someone acting like they were about to enact harm against me when I wasn't harmful at all. 

I then make it back to my aunts, kind of troubled by what had happened, and that's when I met this guy friend of there's named Tom. Tom said, "Have you heard about the new children's book that's out?" I said, "No..." and he said, "Well it's a very popular book and it's making a lot of people talk." And I asked why and he said, "Because the message of the book is pretty profound and even some adults are amazed by it." At that point I was thinking, I'm not going to read that book any time soon, so I asked him, "What's it about?" 

He then asks me, "Which is more important LAW or NON-VIOLENCE?"

I thought about it and came to my conclusion pretty quickly, "Non-violence." 

"Why non-violence?" he asked in a kind of approving way.

I said, "There are laws against people committing murder for example, but people commit murder anyway. You can also use rape as an example. We have laws against rape, but a culture that perpetuates it and a system that doesn't hold criminals accountable to the law. So what good does law do if individual people choose to enact violence. It would be better to encourage Society and Individuals not to enact Violence in the first place and hold THEMSELVES accountable instead of relying on the government to do so." 

I said, "It's not that Laws are bad, they try to help, but the deeper underlying issue is people Choosing violence where they could just as easily be raised and led not to." 

I woke up form this dream thinking, "Damn. That was profound." It's not that I haven't come to that conclusion before, which is probably why I reached it so quickly in my dream, but it seemed as if it was a Message I was meant to speak to and convey. 

People think that forcing people to act like they're supposed to is the way when in reality leading a person to decide for themselves that acting positively is genuinely the better way has deeper, more effective results. 

This also triggered thoughts about the upcoming election. Spent a good part of yesterday reviewing commentary about the Republican and Democratic conventions as well as interviews with the candidates and their V.P.s. 

It seems like Trump in particular in his speech emphasized LAW and enacting a System to keep things in order. But at the same time a lot of his speeches have incited and even encouraged Violence. In some cases it was violence against foreign enemies and in others it was against domestic members of our own society. 

Hillary on the other hand insights more of Social Policy -of treating people right and ensuring freedoms of others. Occasionally she'll veer into "law" talk about governmental policies she wants to enact, but she doesn't do it as fervently as Trump. 

I think it was an indication that although Trump may seem appealing to some people in part because of the corruption issues surrounding Hillary she never quite seems to address, ultimately Trump's reign would be far more tumultuous and would spur a great deal of trouble and incivility.  

Monday, July 25, 2016

Updates on Life and Internet Wisdom

I feel like I've got several different lives right now. There's my spiritual life, which is doing pretty great right now and growing and then there's health-life and financial life that aren't doing so good. I hate the health/financial stuff but it is kind of relevant since it's the medium in which we find ourselves painting with on Earth to a pretty great extent. But in no way do I want soul to be shadowed by body. 

This morning I woke up and kind of had a mini-breakthrough spiritually. I visualized myself being in an empowered spiritual state and giving to people in need. I immediately FELT this kind of weight shift in my mind and it seemed like light was coming through. It then kind of hit me, "How have I GIVEN lately?" I had this sense of a kind of regret not being able to GIVE more to the world. If money was no object i'd definitely be volunteering at nonprofits with great frequency. I have this deep desire to contribute to the world and give back through compassion and creativity. It's one of the reasons I've sought to work at a non-profit. 

But how it hit me, "Who can I serve today?" and "How can I contribute and GIVE as God would lead me to?" -it was pretty profound. I felt it like a necessity and a compulsory instinct to find a way to give. But the only way I'm doing that today is mostly by doing PHB-work basically making a website sketch. Not very many opportunities to give in the state that I'm in. 

And then there was another understanding that hit, "Take care of yourself." I keep acting like my body/being doesn't matter, only what I want to achieve and I keep trying to rush out of this situation instead of taking time and relaxing more. Like a bird that tries to fly before its wings are fully developed -you don't get far. 

But the internet has been kind lately. KIND being the most frequent word I've come across. I've mostly evaded the trappings of human tragedy that are inevitably unfolding on the news feeds of Twitter and Facebook. I know the world's pains, they aren't new. I pray over them as I come across them but I need to rise above being dragged down by this depressing notion that we're all sinking and beyond hope. Yes there are issues in the world, but there is also a lot of GOOD not being shown. Stay to the light. 

Here's this past weeks messages the internet has given: 

Message 1: Be KIND

Message 2: Go Beyond and Find Yourself in Wonder

Message 3: Society Has a Tendency to Impose Pains and Ignorance Upon a People -Don't Fall Prey 

Message 4: Seek and Give Love, Divide from No One

Message 5: Seek Creativity and Understanding Beyond Yourself -This Will Lead to Growth and Unity 

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Feeling Up and Down

I was feeling pretty refreshed earlier. Slept in a good amount and felt like I could take on the day. Even took a selfie, which is pretty rare for me. 

Then 2 crappy things happened. First I got a call from my mom -which you wouldn't think would be a bad thing but kind of devolved into that. At one point my mom made threats of wanting to physically harm to my step-mom because she doesn't like her. I tried to ignore at first but then confronted her about it. I said, "You can't just threaten to harm someone like that, it's wrong." And she said, "Well it's only her..." And I said, "It doesn't matter, it's wrong to threaten harm against someone who isn't at all physically violent in any way." She had threatened to come to my dad's house and shove my step-mom against the wall and "do what you're father should have done a long time ago..." She's never even met my step-mom but hates her with a passion. My step-mom and I have had issues in the past, but we've grown past those issues and are at peace. It's frightening when my mom acts this way. I don't know what she's capable of anymore. 

So after that distressing call I then get medical bills in the mail. I still haven't heard from my urologist and am probably going to just go to another one. How does the system do this? It's like, "Ok so we sort of healed you, but you'll have to have a catheter in until we really figure out what's going on... Well see yah!" This sucks. :( 

Thank God my life is in HIS hands because I'm not sure what humanity would do with it if handed over to them at this point. I feel like God's going to take care of things. It's the one piece of solace I can find in all this mess. 

On the plus side my arts still coming through here and there. Like silent reminders that my spirit is still stirring in me. 

*Update on Mom-Issues 7-25-16:

Mom posted this on Facebook:

My children dont understand this concept but they have not had children...they grow in your belly and you love them before they come then its Mama Bear to protect the children you grew, then raised and sacrificed unconditionally for because the love of your child eclipses all other emotions......I'm so glad to see this post, its what all good moms would agree on!

I was kind of shocked and sort of wanted to respond with, "Being a

 mom doesn't give you a free pass on threatening violence on other 

people -especially those posing NO harm to your kids." I also 

acknowledge that her "unconditional love" is only a concept she 

doesn't actually enact. She has severed with my sister before and 

threatened to disown me when I brought up her alcoholism. 

So this was bothering me and then I came across a reassuring post 

out of nowhere that kind of spoke to everything that was going on:

I feel like God comes through in this way. Every time I choose to 

withhold my disappointment in the decisions other people have 

made and I start to feel isolated and alone in my thoughts, there's 

always a message that comes through saying, "I understand where 

you stand and you're not wrong." God affirms the things I know to 

be true. Never let hatred blind you, it is demeaning to your soul 

and convolutes the divine purpose God has for you. 

I wish my mom well and hope she finds peace because there has 

never been a time in all my memory that she has possessed it. She 

has never been at peace in her soul or found peace with others. 

Always conflict. May she come to rise above it and find her way to