Saturday, July 23, 2016

Feeling Up and Down

I was feeling pretty refreshed earlier. Slept in a good amount and felt like I could take on the day. Even took a selfie, which is pretty rare for me. 


Then 2 crappy things happened. First I got a call from my mom -which you wouldn't think would be a bad thing but kind of devolved into that. At one point my mom made threats of wanting to physically harm to my step-mom because she doesn't like her. I tried to ignore at first but then confronted her about it. I said, "You can't just threaten to harm someone like that, it's wrong." And she said, "Well it's only her..." And I said, "It doesn't matter, it's wrong to threaten harm against someone who isn't at all physically violent in any way." She had threatened to come to my dad's house and shove my step-mom against the wall and "do what you're father should have done a long time ago..." She's never even met my step-mom but hates her with a passion. My step-mom and I have had issues in the past, but we've grown past those issues and are at peace. It's frightening when my mom acts this way. I don't know what she's capable of anymore. 

So after that distressing call I then get medical bills in the mail. I still haven't heard from my urologist and am probably going to just go to another one. How does the system do this? It's like, "Ok so we sort of healed you, but you'll have to have a catheter in until we really figure out what's going on... Well see yah!" This sucks. :( 

Thank God my life is in HIS hands because I'm not sure what humanity would do with it if handed over to them at this point. I feel like God's going to take care of things. It's the one piece of solace I can find in all this mess. 


On the plus side my arts still coming through here and there. Like silent reminders that my spirit is still stirring in me. 



*Update on Mom-Issues 7-25-16:

Mom posted this on Facebook:

My children dont understand this concept but they have not had children...they grow in your belly and you love them before they come then its Mama Bear to protect the children you grew, then raised and sacrificed unconditionally for because the love of your child eclipses all other emotions......I'm so glad to see this post, its what all good moms would agree on!



I was kind of shocked and sort of wanted to respond with, "Being a

 mom doesn't give you a free pass on threatening violence on other 

people -especially those posing NO harm to your kids." I also 

acknowledge that her "unconditional love" is only a concept she 

doesn't actually enact. She has severed with my sister before and 

threatened to disown me when I brought up her alcoholism. 


So this was bothering me and then I came across a reassuring post 

out of nowhere that kind of spoke to everything that was going on:



I feel like God comes through in this way. Every time I choose to 

withhold my disappointment in the decisions other people have 

made and I start to feel isolated and alone in my thoughts, there's 

always a message that comes through saying, "I understand where 

you stand and you're not wrong." God affirms the things I know to 

be true. Never let hatred blind you, it is demeaning to your soul 

and convolutes the divine purpose God has for you. 


I wish my mom well and hope she finds peace because there has 

never been a time in all my memory that she has possessed it. She 

has never been at peace in her soul or found peace with others. 

Always conflict. May she come to rise above it and find her way to 

grace.

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