Thursday, July 28, 2011

And Then My Heart Went Plump...

It's interesting because Miss Tai talked to us about this last night at our meeting. One day you'll be up, and then the next you'll be down. You just have to brush off your knees and get use to practicing the art of picking yourself up.

I was up this morning. At 6:30 AM actually. I wanted to stay up til 3 am working on this new idea I had to gain points from Usana to fund my income, but I do better in the mornings. I printed out some artwork via photocopy at Office Max and some brochures. Very productive. Then I went to help out at my dad's work.

 My dad helped reality set in for me a little bit there. After next month my funds will be depleted and I will officially be at the mercy of the universe at that point. I have some art shows coming up, relatives visiting, lots of things planned for August... And at the end of it I'll either be broke or see my way through to another month.

I'll sell off my jewelry first if things get bad. That stuff means nothing to me. But I'm determined to make this job work. You have to pay your dues before you get paid your dues. I just wish I had more time. I'm a slow start, but I become a fish in water eventually.

But the negativity of the situation squashed things. I immediately wanted to call it a day. I went home and worked on that vision of an idea that sprang into my mind last night. I pray this vision carries me through -and it's a good one. But after producing what needed to be made, I sank back into the sulk of things and started drawing and watching a movie.

I had some deep conversations with a friend though. Really deep. Like,

What's your greatest fear (physical and emotional)  -serial killers, ghosts, being manipulated, and being accused of something I didn't do.

What do you do when you feel depressed? -Watch TV, draw, go outside. Nature helps. Fresh air. Like breathing in Openess itself.

Why are you single? -I didn't say it but: I'm haven't exactly existed socially for a while. For the past 4 years I was in college I only made 5 or 6 friends, and no one I spent lots of time with or talked to regularly. I've only been "on the scene" since last September when I started taking Zoloft and joined ToastMasters. Social Anxiety Disorder is a bitch. But I didn't say this. I just said, "I haven't found the right person and I don't want to date someone just for the sake of dating. I want to wait to find the right person." It's all truth. But sometimes it's easier admitting lighter truths to mask deeper ones you aren't ready to share.

What's your type of guy? -An annoying question. There are these stupid ABC123 questions that people ask occasionally that seem so prescribed and static. "I don't have a type. I don't like people who are conceited or judgemental. But people aren't really "types". People are just people."

What issues do you struggle with as a person? -At this point things started to feel like a therapy session -mostly because I've only been this open with a therapist (and even that was a struggle). No one's ever opened up to me before and the people I confided in early in my life either held things against me or betrayed me. "I don't always stand up for myself. I have issues not putting thoughts into actions." I tend to hold a lot back. Even when I wrote this I was holding deeper stuff back. I fear if I let it all out it will be too much and it will be too deep and whoever I'm talking to will either try to awkwardly joke it off and change subject or have nothing to say back. Who knew texting could be this challenging?

Does talking like this make you nervous? -Yah. "I'm just not use to talking with people like this?"

Why not? -"Nobody I know talks about this stuff."

Is this a bad thing? -"Not a bad thing, just not something I'm use to."

I was asked if it would be better if we stopped talking or changed subject. It hurts. It hurts being that open and it hurts being that afraid and it hurts that the door might be shutting. I don't want to talk about ANY of this stuff in person. I suck in person. I'm good with written word, not spoken. I know conversations like these are Good for me and they'll help me open up and grow, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't uncomfortable and I felt vulnerable talking that way. 

I changed the subject and mentioned I was watching a movie. I didn't mean for the conversation to end, but the person I was talking to didn't want to interrupt what I was watching. The movie was actually helping me be open. Leonardo Dicaprio was having some personal challenges of his own in Inception and it seemed to be helping me through mine.

Now I'm all mopey again. People have confided in me before on occasion. My step-sister would tell me things very openly without second thought, and she trusted me to keep those things between us. I would never betray the trust of a friend. And short of murder, a friend could tell me anything and I wouldn't hold it against them. But I've never had someone like that for me. I feel sad. Was I suppose to have someone like that? I've had close friends, but I never talked about my inner thoughts or feelings with them. I was afraid they wouldn't understand or they would think I was weird.

Anyways, it's been a strange day. A lot accomplished, and yet a lot of emotional back peddling.

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