Highs and Lows of the Week

If I've learned anything at this point it's that we really are stained glass windows. When the light comes in we're radiant and awe-inspiring and when it dims out we fade and get lost in it. 

As much as you can aspire to be Buddha or a Saint, they're distant ideals that have rarely ever occurred in reality. And in reality where they have occurred they've often been more imperfect than we give credit for. 

And so, when the storm comes around and everything starts to get dark and the thunder rolls on -we shrink. For me when in this time of the Great Tug-of-War between Heaven reclaiming it's place here and Hell trying not to let it, we're just getting yo-yo'd around. I'm looking forward to the day when days steady and are consistently good and light. Last week was a nightmare. And then it was amazing. 

I struggled more than usual. Plans I made fell through, I got sick, I was deeply tired on a physical and spiritual energy level. I thought, "How the hell is this happening? I thought all this crap was over and we had moved forward." Everything got delayed a week. Things that should have gone through lapsed and are just now being moved forward. 

It's like confidently crossing a bridge and then having one of the planks beneath your feet suddenly give way and out from under. And you think, "I thought I would be consistent regardless of the externals." And it kind of feels like a failure. But it's just a humbling reminder that we AREN'T in control. We can influence and align ourselves to God, but in the end we're a fish moved by the ocean rather than the other way around. 

Then came the high. I was bringing God's presence in to places, I felt strong and confident. When I drove past mountains I felt taller than them. 

I knew what was planned and what was unfolding spiritually and I went with it and it was all well suited. 

Then I crashed last night. 

I ate crappy food, watched too much negative TV shows (I gave up 15 minutes into Mad Men), got sick to my stomach and threw up. But I'm always grateful now when I'm laying on the ground wondering if it's the end even though I know it's not. I draw close to God and all the darkness is washed away from me. Temporary sickness is a spiritual gift when used in that way. I call it a "time out". 

I feel great now. Relaxed, calm, reflective. My intuition is heightened and I'm drawn more to positive things than the opposite. It's an interesting journey.