"Denied" Love

I'm the kind of person who avoids rather than proclaims. So when I want to be someone's friend or I want to date someone -nothing ends up happening because that person inevitably finds focus on someone else and moves on. And it hurts because it feels like being denied love when someone turns away towards another, but really it's just a love you deny yourself by not proclaiming it in the first place.

And then your heart twists and writhes in itself with regret, envy, and loathing. You can hardly stand to breathe. But I've found the cure.

Looking at pictures of nature. Specifically the woods and mountains and waterfalls of great size and grandeur. I admire the work of ages of time past before mine and the immensity it has over every person. And as I look at these images and feel myself in these places I think, "This is mine. This is just for me. Technically it's for everyone -but some may choose not to notice- so really it may as well be just mine to enjoy. And God gave this to me -if no one else wants it I'll take it. And God is mine as well. And some people choose to live without Him and therefore they have less of themselves because He is a part of them and they will never be fully realized in their own lives because of that. And if all I have is God's living art around me, God Himself within me, and this life -I have more than an abundance to suffice."

And then I feel love. Love for God. And then I feel more love. Love for myself. And then I feel even more love. Love for my life. And I'm left wondering what it was I ever felt I was living without.