Today a friend of mine that I work with came in and announced that her mother-in-law, who has been in the hospital the past couple of weeks, passed away today. This after losing her uncle to cancer a week after his diagnosis last year and her own grandmother last Christmas.
Her relatives live in Mexico while she, her husband, and their two girls live here in California. It seems like every time they go to reunite with relatives they end up attending a funeral.
February 28th is my sister's birthday. It is also the anniversary of my grandmother Jean's death. I miss her. She was a dynamic woman -always polite and very accepting of others. I was told that one day when she was watching 6 year-old me, a woman came up to her int he park and told her not to let me play in the puddle my toy dinosaur was trouncing through in the imaginary land I was envisioning. My grandmother looked at the woman and said, "She's happy, let her be." The woman scoffed and walked away. Grandma said she just didn't have the heart to stop me -she enjoyed seeing me perfectly content in my own little world.
When someone I love dies I have a tendency to freeze up and remain fairly composed and unemotional. It takes a while for things to sink in. I become stoic and feel almost like a robot. But then at some point the flood gates open and I lose it -usually a couple of weeks later. I'm like a guy that way -or at least I'm told that's how they process things.
When my grandma was in the hospital and it was clear she wouldn't recover, it wasn't her death that upset. It wasn't her dying that got to me. It was the fact that all my relatives were gathered around discussing funeral arrangements. She wasn't even dead yet and instead of sharing stories about her life they were discussing financial matters and mortuary logistics.
I suppose focusing on concrete things is easier than contending with the emotional side of life. That's why my friend says she's here at work today -to keep her mind off things. But it just seems an insult that during someone's final days or recent passing the people they love cry, mourn, and stay busy. There is no reminiscing or sharing or coming together for support. Maybe this is why people struggle with the death of a loved one so much -they are left alone without the person they love and without a clear bond of love and strength from others to draw from.
I'm cool with death -I've made my peace with it. And when someone dies my instincts go towards concern for the person's soul. Are they going to heaven for sure? Have they been prayed over if there is any doubt of that? I want people to pray over me when I die -as I will for those I "lose" while I'm here. I'm so certain of heaven though I never think of death as a permanent finality -just a transitional process to arriving at a new destination. We all have to cross those waters someday, it's like seeing a friend go on a roller coaster before it's your turn. You know you'll see them again after your ride returns to its station.
Death is only a temporary department from those we care about. And the fact is, if we love them unconditionally and they are bonded with us the same, they never really leave because that bond will always remain.
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