The Golden Rule

It’s not copper. It’s not bronze. It’s not pyrite. It’s not cubic zirconium. It’s the most precious of all metals, and therefore it’s the most precious off all rules.

It occurred to me after I wrote the last blog that I gave facts and logical reasons for why someone should act morally. What I failed to mention however was the compassionate reasons why it matters. I spoke to the head, but not the heart. I’d like to take this time to address it now.

If you’re going to bring up the topic of the Golden Rule, at some point Christianity should to be mentioned. I would also like to include Buddhism as well. But more importantly, it should be understood that this concept transcends religion; and although religions site the Golden Rule in various ways, they don’t go into depth about explaining how the concept really works.

So I don’t know if you’ve heard this phrase or not, but it goes something like this: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. It’s a “Call to Action for Compassion” as I like to call it. It means: Don’t hurt others because you wouldn’t like it if somebody hurt you in the same way. Buddhism echoes this thought in a similar way: Don’t hurt others because they are you (i.e. we are all connected). I think Buddhism hits closer to home with the concept than Christianity. With Christianity it seems like a duty – something you should do because it’s right and you are expected to do what is right. With Buddhism it seems more personal – You are hurting yourself when you hurt others.

Buddhists believe that since we are all made up of the same stuff – not just flesh and bone, but spiritual energy- we are all connected as one. They usually compare it to a candlelit flame representing an individual soul that can become one with another candlelit flame or a larger fire representing humanity. I prefer to compare it to Star Wars. We are all connected through the force (life force).

Now that I’ve explained the religious perspectives on the Golden Rule, let me expand on its use in reality.

When I was in the 4^th grade, a bunch of kids were out running around in a field during recess. I decided to join the fun. Some kid decided to start throwing dirt clods around. Others joined in. Then of course I , the only person in the group this happened to, threw one dirt clod and it flew directly into a girls face. Tears immediately started welling up in her eyes as she pressed her hand to her reddened cheek. I ran over to her and started apologizing over and over, trying to console her at the same time. The words “Oh my God, Oh my God” kept running through my head. My heart was in my throat and I didn’t know what to do.

Have you ever hurt someone on accident? Especially if it’s a stranger, there’s an instinctual reaction to help them and make sure they’re ok. Have you ever hurt someone emotionally - hurting their feelings? The feeling of guilt welling up in your chest, weighting your spirit down, making you hate yourself for what you did, regret sinking in… It hurts to hurt people. If you cause someone pain, you feel a great deal of pain yourself. This is compassion in action.

Have you ever hurt a sibling or someone you were close to and thought nothing of it at the time?

          My younger sister was annoying. She was always around, always in my space, always bugging me, always getting things randomly that I would want and she didn’t deserve. I ignored her most of the time. I pushed her around. I taunted her. I tried to convince her she wasn’t really my sister because aliens had dropped her off on our doorstep and we had taken her in. Then one day things changed.

          I was 12. She was 9. I was sitting on the floor in my room playing an old version of SIM City on the computer. I didn’t actually know how the game worked, so I was mostly setting various parts of the town on fire and bringing aliens down to zap things. I was pretty wrapped up in the game when Emily came into the room and decided to sit behind me while I played. She leaned in over my left shoulder to watch the screen. Her breathing was distracting. I nudged my shoulder against her cheek to make her go away. She didn’t. I did it again, a little harder. She whined, “Stop.” Her presence got to me. When she went to look over my shoulder again I took my left arm and shoved her, pushing her backwards towards the door. She hadn’t seen it coming. She quickly left the room, and I returned my attention to the computer. After 5 minutes the incident left my mind as if it had never happened.

          That night my mom came in my room and yelled at me. My sister had tattled. Mom said she was tired of me always picking on my little sister. She grounded me – the first and only time I was ever grounded. No TV for a week. That I could have handled, but in a strange twist as another form of punishment, my mom also told me I had to spend every day after school that week in my sister’s room spending time with her. I thought mom was crazy. Leaving me alone in the house between 3-5 PM stuck in a room with my sister who had just betrayed me was like leaving a wolf alone with a lamb. Day 1 I wanted to punch Emily for ratting me out, but I knew she would just tell mom and I would get in more trouble.

I spent the first 2 days on the floor in her room drawing pictures while she sat in bed doing homework and watching Pokemon. My initial plan was to ignore her completely to make her regret her betrayal. Then on day 3, since ignoring her didn’t seem to be doing much, I devised a new plan to make her feel guilty. I drew her picture. It was a dragon, which she loved, with the words “Emily’s Room” written at the top. I taped it to her door. She then started talking to me. When she began commenting on something that was happening on the Pokemon show that was on, I said, “I can’t watch it. I’m not allowed to since I’m grounded.” BAM! Stone sunk. I knew my words had hit her and she immediately felt bad about getting me in trouble. “I think mom would let you watch T.V. now,” she said trying to cheer me up. “No. I’d get punished.”

Another hour later mom came home. Emily went over to talk to her and I hid nearby, overhearing the conversation.

“Mom I think the ground doesn’t need to go on. She’s nicer now and we’re getting along.”

“No. She’s going to stay punished for the rest of the week.”

“But things are better now…”

“No she’s staying grounded.”

At first I was mostly just pissed at my mom. My transgressions weren’t against her, they were against my sister. My sister should be allowed to cease punishment if she felt I had atoned for my actions. Then it hit me. My sister had just defended me. After all those times I had picked on her, shoved her around, and treated her like she was nothing… she had actually stood up for me. She forgave me like she always did.  She still looked up to me. She still trusted me. And I had manipulated her into regretting being angry at me for hurting her. I felt like shit. Why had I repeatedly hurt someone who unquestioningly put faith in me, even though I deserved none? Why did she still love me, even though I had mistreated her for years? She was a better person than me. I envied her.

Empathy and compassion connects us to others. Love unites us. Hate divides us. When we hurt others, we become hurtful people. We hurt who we are as people.