On June 25th 1848, five settlers set out to travel 2,000 miles from Independence, Missouri to Willamette Valley along the Oregon Trail. These brave men and women had come together from various backgrounds to experience the ride to a new and better place. So that day Edward Cullen, Sarah Palin, Glen Beck, Xena Warrior Princess, and Dr. House set out with 7 oxen, 25 sets of clothes, 90 boxes of bullets, 3 spare wagon wheels, 3 spare wagon axels, 3 spare wagon tongues, and 2000 pounds of food.
Edward had decided to travel mostly to get away from the city and all the fan girls that dwelled within it chasing him around constantly.
Sarah Palin had set out, not on a political campaign…, but to see and appreciate the historic parts of our great nation.
Glen Beck had joined the crew because he felt it would be an easier way to spread the word and inform America of the coming Apocalypse.
Xena had decided to travel because she hadn’t gotten any good acting roles in a while and she thought that a reality show might be fun.
Dr. Gregory House had no initial desire to go, but after ending the season by ramming his car through Cuddie’s home, he decided hiding out and lying low for a while was a good idea. The wagon crew also needed a doctor and Phil was too busy.
The weather was clear and warm. The pace was “strenuous” which means slightly faster than steady. It took them about a week to hit their first landmark. The following log tracks the accounts of their journey:
June 9, 1848
We have arrived at the Kansas River Crossing. Sarah wanted to go fishing, but we said we had already spent a week getting there and we had several million more miles to go. The river was 4.3 feet deep – don’t ask us how we knew, we just did, so we decided to caulk that sucker and sail across! We did not sink.
June 12, 1848
Xena keeps mostly to her herself. Edward broods mostly. Sarah and Glen get along just fine. I glance over at the barrel of the rifle… it’s only a matter of time…
June 13 1848
The weather is very hot. My dress suits are not holding up well and Xena keeps looking at me strangely. I can’t tell whether she’s a feminist or a lesbian… or both.
June 13, 1848
Xena has a fever. Dr. House gave her some medicine and flirted with her. Xena acted tough and said she could walk it off. Sarah’s maternal instincts kicked in and we decided to rest for 3 days just to be safe. Sarah also looked rather becoming in the moonlight this evening.
June 19, 1848
We have arrived at the Big Blue River. I decided to rename the river Gently Streaming River. It was beautiful. It reminded me of a girl I use to court… Anyway, the river was 2.7 feet deep. We let the oxen cross. Some of our clothes got wet, but the weather was warm, so we didn’t worry.
June 23, 1848
Xena’s fever still hasn’t broken. If only there was a pharmacy nearby, we could get her some Dayquil. Dr. House keeps trying to test her for various causes to see why her fever is still spiking. Xena keeps telling everyone she’s fine, but I’m worried. I might catch it. I am also starting to question the level of professionalism of Dr. House…
June 24, 1848
Xena is well again. Finally! I was debating whether it was humane or not to let Edward eat her if things took a turn for the worse…
June 27, 1848
I knew it would come! There’s a huge storm, wind blowing crazy, lightning flashing across the sky… Our Creator is warning us of our sins and our need to mend our ways of dissention. Vote Republican! It’s the only thing that can save us now…
June 28, 1848
The weather was a little blustery last night, but we made it through. We spent the day at Fort Kearney. We met some nice people. There were large wood cabins. I saw some men wearing funny hats.
July 6, 1848
It has officially been a month since we set out. I’ve been keeping track of our rations and it seems we’ll need to hunt soon. Dr. House claims he can handle a shotgun. He can be amusing when he’s not being condescending. Sarah also says she can handle a gun. Not when I’m around.
July 7, 1848
I shot 112 pounds of meat with 2 bullets. I told them we didn’t need to buy that many bullets. I would have caught more meat, but Edward’s skin sparkling frightened the deer away. He is no longer invited on hunting expeditions. And Sarah Palin was annoying. She is also no longer welcome.
July 8, 1848
God has sent us another sign. A fire in our wagon destroyed 421 bullets. We must fight for the right to bear arms. It is our Constitutional duty. If we lose bullets and we lose guns… we lose ourselves.
July 13, 1848
We covered 19 miles today. This is why it’s good to own a Hummer. Everyone argues about gas prices, but if we didn’t have gas than we would all be riding around in wagons like these taking 24 hours to get somewhere it would normally only take about 25 minutes.
July 15, 1848
Our food rations are down to 1, 482 pounds. 1482. The year Columbus sailed the ocean and declared this country America. I feel I must take it upon myself to bring in the hunt. Xena won’t let me go, so I’ll leave tonight and shoot first thing in the morning.
July 16, 1848
I’m surrounded by idiots.
July 17, 1848
We reached Chimney Rock. While everyone was looking at the strange, native architecture, I went hunting. I got 49 pounds of meat using 20 bullets. Those deer were really fast.
July 18, 1848
Thank God I can hunt deer for myself. Otherwise I might starve here.
July 19, 1848
Great… Edward Cullen is sick with typhoid fever. The one member of our crew who is immortal and he gets sick by eating some bad deer meat. I think it’s a waste of penicillin. Debating whether to make him turn me into a vampire or not. Nah. An eternity on this earth with these morons…
July 24, 1848
We shot 101 pounds of meat using 3 bullets. I decided to make a new rule: No one hunts with me.
July 25, 1848
Sarah Palin has the measles. I am deeply concerned for her wellbeing. Dr. House doesn’t seem to be taking the gravity of the situation seriously. 2 people sick. A small group of travelers alone on a desolate prairie. The Apocalypse due next month… These are dark times.
July 28, 1848
I am well again. I hate Glen Beck. I’m tired of him telling me I will go to Hell during the coming rapture on August 17th because I “feed on the blood of the living”. I eat deer- same as everyone on the wagon. The way I eat it is just different.
July 30, 1848
We have reached Fort Laramie. I found out that not only is it an Army Post, but also a fur trading center. Glen was sweet and bought me a mink sweater!
August 2, 1848
Edward Cullen broke a leg today. He then got up and it healed after 10 minutes. I’m secretly thinking about getting a vial of his blood and injecting it into my leg. I can heal it and I won’t need a cane anymore…
August 8, 1848
Edward Cullen died of dysentery. I guess he wasn’t as immortal as he thought… Well now we know what kills vampires.
August 10, 1848
One week until the Apocalypse as Reverend McGiver has calculated. Edward’s soul should change its ways now before it’s… too late.
August 18, 1848
Glen Beck has a fever. I’m debating whether or not to give him medicine. After all that time saying the end of the world would come August 17th and here we are the day after, and I say, “Well I guess God was busy” and he says, “The Apocalypse is now predicted to be 5 months from now…”, and now he has a fever –maybe I should just take it as a sign from God that Glen needs to be punished for his stupidity.
August 20, 1848
Sarah Palin has cholera. The lives of so many people I don’t care about are in my hands…
August 28, 1848
Today we have lost a truly beautiful member of humanity. Today Sarah Palin died of cholera. She will always be remembered for her spirit and her words of insightful wisdom.
August 28, 1848
God took the wrong person. The other one is more annoying.
August 29, 1848
Glen Beck is well again. Damn it.
August 30, 1848
Glen Beck has a broken leg. He got run over by a wheel. How do you not see that coming?
September 1, 1848
I was near death. Then Dr. House saved me. I will forever be grateful for his valiant efforts. Though not his bedside manner…
September 20, 1848
Cough Cough… the weather is really hot and I’m surrounded by miles of desert and a sadistic man with a cane.
September 27, 1848
Glen Beck is unfortunately well again. We have arrived at the South Pass and have decided to take the shorter route to Green River. Anything to speed up the process. I really don’t want to have to bundle up with Glen when winter hits…
October 3, 1848
Well we’re halfway to Oregon. 2 of our group members are dead. I honestly didn’t think Sarah would make it. The trek was going to be too challenging for her. The vampire dying was a bit surprising though…
October 9, 1848
Today we bravely arrived at the Green River Crossing.
October 14, 1848
I shot 751 pounds of meat but was only able to carry back 200 pounds of meat. 2 bullets. Welcome to the land of the buffalo.
October 22, 1848
Xena is sick with typhoid fever. If I lose Xena, I become the only sane person left in this wagon. I will then inevitably go crazy and kill the only other crazy person. Your move God.
October 31, 1848
Xena has recovered and she has the hots for me. We also reached Soda Springs. I decided to celebrate Halloween by dressing up as the ghost of a vampire. Glen then said my attire was distasteful because of what happened to Edward. I then argued that Glen had disrespected Edward by telling him he was going to Hell -Which Glen of course argued is where he is now. So why does my costume matter? Glen then carried on while I stared and Xena’s leather bust.
November 6, 1848
We reached Fort Hall today. Oh yah… and Glen Beck has dysentery. Ha ha ha… I guess the Apocalypse came sooner than he thought.
November 13, 1848
An ox died. Then Greg decided to take over the reins. He took a wrong trail and we lost 5 days. Never let a man drive.
November 15, 1848
Glen Beck is well again. Xena has dysentery. God, why must you be so cruel to me? Is it because I don’t misinterpret your teachings and then use them to deny others their rights and tell random strangers they’re going to Hell?
November 21, 1848
Glen Beck has cholera. In other words, he’s now slowing down our progress physically instead of intellectually.
November 30, 1848
Glen Beck was bitten by a snake. I told Greg to stop laughing.
December 5, 1848
There is No water. Dr. House chose to take this moment to make a joke at our Saviors expense saying, “Now Jesus will have nothing to walk on when the Rapture comes because of Global Warming”. I think we all know where Dr. House will be going when the Rapture comes…
December 15, 1848
Well the good news is we have reached the Snake River Crossing. The bad news is there is no longer a “we”. The wagon tipped over while floating. I lost: 280 bullets, 2 wagon axles, Glen Beck (who drowned because he could not walk), and Xena drowned as well. The oxen made it out o.k. though.
December 17, 1848
I have the measles and don’t have any medicine. Crap.
On December 18th, 1848 Dr. House succumbed to the measles and passed away. On his tombstone are the forever immortalized words, “It’s Never Lupus”.
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