Spiritual Weakness

I look back and think, there were times when people had the spiritual fortitude to face execution and still had their sh*t together and didn't waiver or blink. And I struggle with stupid things like rent, paying bills, work load, and feeling spiritually anxious and tired. 

I look at my apartment -which I blessed upon entering and is a space that I've made my own and think, "It's not that bad." 

I'm not struggling with what Joan of Arc did. 

And it makes you feel guilty for "bothering Heaven" and being kind of a distraction in a universe of people actually trying to accomplish things. 

When I'm not distracted I can come through, and have before now many times. 

But now I feel like I just have to be patient and hold tight for a while and I'm "in the way" because of my moments of panic, frustration, and anxiety. It's just Hell toying with me as always. 

But it makes you think: "Why do people seem to bend so easily now when things are at their easiest when they were steel in the face of a burning fire." 

I think it's because we've gotten lighter and have more room to breathe. Because things are better are spiritual "muscles" aren't as built up. 

On top of that we're mostly doing energy work at this point. 

Not physically standing before a crowd with a noose around our necks speaking spiritual truths in defiance of evil. 

At this point, energy is what we've given most and what drains us most. I think the dynamics have just shifted and it looks like we're weaker and more feeble when we're lighter and doing a different kind of spiritual work.