Tuesday, November 19, 2013

People I Have Hurt

One of our other homework assignments for the mentoring program is to note who we have hurt in our life and how/why. 

Going through a mental list of everyone I've ever been close to, the main 3 that come to mind are:

1) My Mom
2) My Sister 
3) My Friend Alex

It seems like 90% of the people who will ever hurt you are closest to: family and friends. Random strangers don't usually care that much. Life may have its occasional jerks, but passing remarks of a stranger don't usually cut as deep as insults laid out by friends and people you trust.

1) Ways I have hurt my mom (from her perspective) and why. 

My mom's an alcoholic who tends to manipulate and lie. And yell. And dominate. And gossip. It's not a good combination of things. Because of this, in the past I went out of my way to avoid her. I became distant. I know she was angry at me around the ages of 18-20 especially because of this. "What happened to my sweet little girl" kind of mentality. When I was young I put my mom on a pedestal. When she stumbled off it, I started resenting her. There was a lot of tension between us and I know she struggled with our relationship as much as I did. 

I think the most hurtful thing I did to my mom was move in with my dad after graduation. Within the week after I graduated high school I packed up my stuff and left. My mom knew I was going to college and moving in with my dad so it's not like she didn't see it coming. But to uproot so soon with no ease of transition must have been hard for her. It's probably why she ended up trying to cling to my younger sister so strongly after I left. 

The last way I'd say I probably hurt my mom is by "not listening" when she gives advice/concern. I'm use to her being overly protective so when she says "make sure you wear a sweater it's cold out" it makes me feel like she's treating me like a stupid little kid. I tend to ignore her. She does give good advice though from time to time.

2) Ways I've hurt my sister and why:

When I was younger I sucked as an older sister. I hated that my sister was always around so I would pick on her, push her away -sometimes physically, and take my frustrations out on her. At one point I told her my and dad adopted her and aliens had actually dropper her off on our doorstep. I told her she was weird and stupid. Then when I got older I just ignored her. I didn't pay any attention to her.

It wasn't until I saw her stand up for me that I really started seeing the impact I was having on her. It killed me that she was a better person than me. That she would defend someone who picked on her for so long. That she cared about me and listened to me even though I told her to go away. It made me feel like crap. I started trying to be more supportive and be there for her more afterwards.

3) Ways I hurt my friend Alex (from his perspective) and why:

Alex was judgmental -I knew that from the beginning. Because of that I was reluctant to open up to him. I figured he would judge me and I would end up feeling "less than". He always complained that I was distant and "cold". He also had possessive tendencies so my not constantly telling him where I was and what I was doing frustrated him a lot. 

The most hurtful thing I did -without intention to- was join a church. He wanted me to join his church, even though he also told me I wasn't ready for it. Then by happenstance I ended up going to a church with my stepmom and started attending regularly. I didn't think he'd be as upset about it as he was. He said I was spiteful and cruel. "I hurt him and I didn't care." 

I acknowledge I caused him pain -he caused me pain too so the feeling was pretty mutual. We just don't function that well as close friends.

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