Muppetdate

Since last I wrote –not much has changed sort of.

Toastmasters is the same for now although I’ll probably change roles to become the V.P. of Education next month since officer elections are up and I’m pretty much done being Sergeant at Arms. It was a nice-ish role while it lasted but I’m done getting up earlier than early. In other news I gave a speech last week in TM. It was entitled “Fish Are High-Maintenance”. I’m sure you can figure out what it was about…

I don’t remember if I blogged about going to Jos’s Women’s Successful Thinkers Group… if not I’ll blog about it now:

It was awesome. Dinner. Suppose to dress up sort of. Suppose to wear a hat? Yes. A hat. Kentucky Derby themed meeting for some reason. Ended up wearing hat they had there. Cowboy hat. White. Big. Felt stupid. Didn’t care J. Jos. Main speaker. Introduced me to other women. Nice women. In their 40s and up. One girl my age. Also tall and gangly. Sit at table. $25 meal. Expensive. Only meet once a month though. Jos moderator. 5 women sitting on chairs on stage. Jos asks questions to each woman. Women answer. Interesting topics about empowering yourself as a woman and other women. Overcoming struggles. Learn that previous generation before mine was expected to get married young. Don’t know what that’s like. Grateful I don’t have any pressure to get married. Mom would orefer me to have boyfriend though. Sucks to be her. Ha ha ha. Jos turns questions to people sitting at tables eating. I have to discuss topic with my table. What do I think would help women in America today? I said, “Meetings like this and shows like America’s Next Top Model”. One women asked why ANTM? Other woman backed me up before I responded: No, that show is really great and surprisingly positive support for women’s self-confidence and  self-image. I share part of latest episode I saw that I thought was moving. It was great. Jos started talking again. Asks woman what would happen if women ruled the world? Woman says, More peaceful place. Jos asks another woman. This woman clearly Pisces or Aquarius. Woman says it’s not female/male that matters so much as *Yin and Yang* since men can also be “feminine” and women can also be “masculine”. Exactly my thoughts on topic before she spoke. Freaky. Really freaky. My mind just synched with someone in her 60s. I’m such an old soul. Great feeling of confirmation for beliefs not commonly held by many people I know. *Pats self on back metaphorically*. Jos announces drawing for winners who purchased raffle tickets. Jos bought 5. Jos one 2 prizes. Jos gave one to me. Cards called “Wisdom of Old Crones”. Cards are partially insightful –partially fluff. Feelings of warmth and appreciation to Jos. Jos asks if I will come again next month. I say: Yus! Women continue talking. Tears well up. Emotional speeches. Very emotional. Women talking about feelings and harsh past experiences. Great place to be only if you’re a woman… or have Yin going on.

*Yin is characterized as slow, soft, yielding, diffuse, cold, wet, and passive; and is associated with water, earth, the moon, femininity and nighttime.

*Yang, by contrast, is fast, hard, solid, focused, hot, dry, and aggressive; and is associated with fire, sky, the sun, masculinity and daytime.[9]

As far as the job-front goes about a month ago Kim, a woman who worked in the marketing department at Amulet (my dad’s company I’ve worked for part-time for the past 4 years) found a new job and quit working at Amulet. I miss Kim, she was awesome to be around. Very bright and bubbly –but not in an obnoxious way. She was also artistic and “free spirited” so we got along great. I’d occasionally work with her to develop graphic design elements for the brochures, flyers, and website. When she left Alex –who is head of marketing- turned to me and said, “I know you’ve worked with Kim and done graphic design for us before –would you like giving the position a try?” I said yes, of course, but was kind of nervous about it and didn’t know if I would do well handling the web-stuff and “Constant Contact” and other related programs I wasn’t familiar with. I’m familiar with them now. They weren’t that hard to figure out.

I’m currently working on: 3 Box Sleeves to cover the packages for 3 new products to go in: A Resistive 7” Display, Capacitive 4.3” Display, and a Resistive 4.3” Display. Our company develops the software and hardware that companies in various industries including Appliance (like Kholer and Whirlpool who we work with), Medical, Industrial, Auto… can use. We basically have a smartphone-like display and a software program people can download to upload their own graphics and create their own user interface for their products. One company called Envipco uses the displays in their vending machines for people to drop of recyclable bottles and materials into it.

Anyways, we’re coming out with e 4.3” and 7” line so I’m busy making the Sleeves, Flyers, Brochures, and Display Demos as well as updating the Data Sheets. It’s easy work for Illustrator and InDesign –mostly just time consuming and occasionally frustrating when formatting gets changed around and last minute decisions and inclusions come up so things have to be adjusted. When I’m not working on the graphic-side of life I also do Shipping (usually only on Thursdays) and Production (programming the software/flash into the modules) –which I do less of now since I’m switching over to Marketing. I found out Kim’s title was “Marketing Coordinator”. Sounds close enough.

My sister Emily has been coming in to pick up my slack in the Production department. She only comes in from 9am-12pm though and then leaves after lunch. They may have to ask her to come in for more hours. I’ll probably we going in full-time for a while since there’s so much stuff going on right now. I wish I could buy a “starter-kit”. Basically it’s display and the software to create an interactive display. Using Illustrator I design buttons, switches, sliders, type boxes and a whole bunch of other things to incorporate into the display. It’s pretty awesome coming up with a screen for a display and then seeing it when it’s done fully-functional on the display. Needless to say I’ll be taking a break from WFG for a little while, at least another 6 months or so.

Meanwhile in personal-lifeville, my sister Emily has been being a buttmunch. She’s been avoiding mom for the past month or so –including Mother’s Day. I’ve had to go down to Oakdale for past couple weekends because my car was being stupid and Dean is the greatest tow truck driver/ auto repairman/step-dad on the planet. I also kind of had to go to Stockton to take care of my speeding ticket turned atomic bomb. As it turns out since I already paid my ticket fine and did in fact get my driver’s license address updated the 2 week effort it took to show up in court turned out to only cost the $25 fee of being there. The cost to update my license on the other hand… over $100 L ß---Very sad smiley.

So last weekend I visited my Gma, my Mom, and my Step-dad for Mother’s Day brunch. (Technically it was supposed to be breakfast but mom likes to sleep in). During brunch Gma told us about her friend Paula who is dying of cancer. She’s refused chemo because she figures she’s old and her time has come so she’d rather die coherent than weak and distant. Her friends are all working together to help care for her since she’s at her home instead of the hospital. Paula’s daughter is mentally handicapped and also needs looking after. It’s a hard situation to be in and my Gma is doing as much as she can to pitch in and see her friend is well looked after. I love my Gma.

Gma also asked when Em was coming to visit or if she was coming to visit. My step-sister Sarah is coming to Oakdale at the end of June with her husband Thomas and my new, little niece Adeline. Em’s assured as all she’ll be coming out to visit them. Gma says we should ask Sarah to kick Em’s butt for neglecting her Oakdalian relatives. Mom said she woke up at 3 a.m. that night and just cried. She doesn’t know what to do.

At first I was mostly indifferent leaning towards Em’s side of the argument –but that was about 2 years ago. Now I’m with mom. Em needs to get over the past because it’s seriously starting to negatively F-up her present and the relationships she has with people. I find some of the things Em has said with regard to mom to be just cruel.

Here’s what I have figured out in the past couple months since I really started pondering it all:

Mom is a Gemini in her vice. Why? Who knows. I know Grandpa Bud left Gma Cookie when mom was around 10. I know mom didn’t invite Grandma Cookie to her wedding when she married my dad. I know after she started talking with Gma again she then left dad and decided he was the terrible human being and started hating on him while simultaneously acting like a victim. I know she evinces anger, resentment, and animosity towards him even today. I know she abuses alcohol and has for the past decade now. She has also been abusing pain pills for at least 5 years now. She is also overweight and yet overly judgmental and critical of the physical appearances of others. I know she tries to control every relationship she has with people –especially those she is closes to. When they grow distant she tries to guilt trip them into feeling bad so they’ll come back. When they don’t she bothers everyone around that person to get them to convince the person to come back. My mom can be an emotional roller coaster.

But I understand WHY. Maybe not the initial reasons why it all started, but I understand who why is and why she does what she does now.

I decided that all fear is based on enduring pain and being denied love. Mom fears being denied love. From the moment we were born mom loved my sister and I Unconditionally. We were perfect in her eyes. She sacrificed time, energy, and personal dreams she may have had raising us. She did so alone for the most part –having taken full custody of us when I was 5 and my sister was 2. She thrived as a mom telling us “do this and don’t do that”. We depended on her and we looked to her. We needed her and she liked that at the end of the day she could come home to two little girls who loved their mommy and needed her. She felt like she mattered, was loved, and her efforts were being appreciated –something every woman needs. Then we became tweens.

Things went downhill the year I started high school. My mom started becoming overly controlling and manipulative during a time when most kids start rebelling and going off on their own more. She started refusing to let my sister and I see our father on weekends. She went out of her way to “rag” on him and tell me specifically that he didn’t really care about us. She was hurtful and she guilt tripped and she made us seem like unworthy, imperfect piles of nothing. It seemed like she was “holding onto things better left to fray”. I think she knew she was losing control and that I was becoming more distant and the only way she could think of not losing that love she had come to depend on was trying to force my sister and I to stay with her. She made us feel like we couldn’t do anything without her because she controlled everything.

I resented my mom until I was about 20. Then I let it go. I accepted my mom for who she is. I can’t control her. I can’t make her think about, believe, see, act like, or be who I want her to be. I just have to see her for who she is –vices and all- and find a way to love her despite of these struggles. Since she over-exaggerates and lies –I tend to take what she says with a grain of salt. Since she plays “the victim” a lot, I have to take the opposite side of the argument into more consideration. Since she judges people frequently, I can’t take her judgments of me personally. When she gets drunk or too loud in public, I just have to stay calm and not get caught up in the drama or the embarrassment. It’s not mine to get caught up in.

I think I was given to my mom for a reason. I think her mistakes are meant to be lessons for me to learn from. I think her struggles and the struggles I’ve had with her were meant to allow me to grow in ways I otherwise would not have been able to. I think I was given to my mom to learn patience, unconditional love, and acceptance. I love my mom. Always will. And it hurts me now to see her suffer. She suffers physically from all the sh*t she’s been throwing into her system. She hurts mentally from forgetfulness and strain from not exercising that muscle through greater focus and concentration. She suffers emotionally from the distance from my sister forced between them do to past pains she has caused that my sister is still holding onto. Lastly she hurts spiritually. She isn’t at peace with herself or her life. She holds onto too many things she tries to control but can’t. She fears a loss of love too much to be sustained solely by the love for herself. I don’t think she loves and accepts herself for who she is –at least not as much as she should. I think she’s lost and instead of admitting it she drew a fake map and is charting her course further and further into the thickness of the jungle.

And who could hate her? Who hasn’t been there and done that? Who hasn’t struggled and tried to hang onto a life raft that later turned out to be an anchor? Nobody has any right to judge her or hate her. She is suffering. Those who suffer don’t need hate –they need acceptance and love. If there’s one thing people –souls- need to survive it is Unconditional Love. My sister needs it too. She’s just as lost. Her vices may be different, but they’re driving her just as far off course as it has my mom. Like mother, like daughter I guess.