It started a couple weeks ago. I had compiled a 2 page list of ideas I genuinely thought could benefit the organization. They had told us that they aspired to break people out of their cubicle spaces and to have shared, innovative ideas expressed regardless of department or position.
So I knew I had run into trouble when I told my supervisor, "Hey what should I do with my list of ideas. I think they could benefit and they're pretty varied and deal with different aspects of the organization..." and she looked at me kind of confused and answered with skeptical hesitation, "What kinds of ideas?". It was insinuated that these thoughts would go nowhere.
But with 2 pages of ideas and growing I knew there had to be some kind of suggestion box or place I could hand all this crap over. I don't want these ideas to go to waste if they may do some good -especially since I believe some of them were more God-led than me-led with Heaven's desire for insight to come through. I'm just the messenger past a certain point.
So I tried what I thought was a good way to get these ideas out there. At first I wasn't brave enough to post any of my own and only created a space for these ideas to be shared among co-workers. Then yesterday while driving home from work I passed a homeless man on one of the side streets and thought, "Does he know about the services offered and that he can get help?" There are card we hand out with that resource information on it and I immediately wished I had a pocket full.
So the first public suggestion I made ot the organization was this, "Grab some of those cards so if you come across someone holding a cardboard sign you can give them a dollar + the card and KNOW they're aware of these services that can help them."
Then I was reprimanded. Only higher-ups are allowed to control the nature of content posted on that platform. Also there are other channels of operation that see those cards distributed -you can pass them out if you want, but it should not be forced (or in this case even mentioned) for other co-workers to do the same.
And it hurt. Not going to lie. It's an old form of bullsh*t I've come across before. It honestly reminded me of the time I almost got fired for messing up a shipping order. 3 years in that company -many years spent part-time before the full-time -and a graphic designer/marketing assistant almost gets fired for a shipping error.
And so I asked myself, why does this wound cut so deep? I shouldn't care. I should delete my ideas and let them run to their own ends and fall where otherwise they would know to look down and not trip. Let them have it there way.
But further digging and I come across the truth.
#1 It is a DEEP principle and core belief of mine that silencing innovative thought and creative input is not just self-harming to those who would deny it (be it people, organizations, cultures, or countries) but an immoral spiritual act that serves to silence the soul and inherent qualities bestowed on individuals. We were intended for this grace to be given -not denied. No pond can seek to survive that cuts of the flow of its own source from a stream or river. It will stagnate without this new flow of water coming through. It will die.
#2 It's HYPOCRISY in this case. Especially since following this incident they sent out an email announcing they would be doing a year long process of striving for greater inclusion and diversity -especially of thought -because they paid a consulting company to guide them in this. To preach you seek to take what I attempted to hand over and then DO the exact opposite -this is Hypocrisy. And it's the same bullsh*t lots of companies peddle. "We really care about what your ideas are and we really want to hear them, whatever they are, whenever they're given... blah blah blah."
If your position isn't high enough up and you seem to be no one of consequence all they want is for you to keep your eyes on your screen and stay in your own lane. No thinking outside the box -people will look at you like you're from Mars and no one will care.
#3 It's also a LIE. I hate lies. I've been lied to before. To kill the truth and deny so thoroughly is pain felt by every soul. Our entire being cries out for the necessity of truth. We are blind without it. Be honest and truthful with people. Don't lead them astray and deny them their right to know truth.
#4 It puts me back in square 1. Welcome to this organization you're just a cog in a wheel do the work that is asked and think nothing beyond your own position -you won't be able to handle it mentally incompetent, templated worker.
I look around and wonder how no one CAN think outside of the box. How can people deny their own free thought to that extent. Why does nobody else question, or wonder, or desire to make better, or think that individualistically??? Are they not able? Do they not even think about thinking in this way?
There have been several instances where I see I'm definitely intended to be here. I'm meant to learn, I'm meant to contribute. But there have also been many times where I have been thankful my stay here is temporary. I'm only a seasonal employee. And now I can see this place has the same pitfalls as others I've worked for before -and quit for those very reasons.
I am not a cog.
I am a soul and a mind and a body God intends to do great things through.
I am of value and so are my thoughts.