Mom Update

Well a couple weeks have passed since life got crappy with my mom. Since that time my mom and I have texted back and forth a little. Neither of us mentioned things said and truths discovered. She has NO idea the extent to which I'm aware of her lies and issues. So things have been pretty pleasant conversation-wise because of that. She said she really wants me to come down because she misses me. I've decided the nature of our relationship will for the rest of her days consist of brief visits and occasional cell phone texts with light pleasantries and no discussion of deeper underlying issues. And in this way we will maintain peace and focus on the love that we have for one another as mother and daughter.

It's like the last episodes of LOST I saw where it became clear that for John Locke to trek forward on his spiritual path of fulfillment he had to sever ties with his father who was the only man capable of getting under his skin and making him feel worthless. Unlike John Locke I won't kill my mom or have Sawyer do it for me, I'll just develop some healthy boundaries and acknowledge that I am meant to walking on a path coming into my own and that path would be stifled if I kept relying on my parents to take care of me when God is ultimately meant to lead me to self-empowerment and fulfillment.

My step-dad on the other hand has NOT been handling things with my mom that well. We had a lonnngggggg cell phone conversation in which he argued that although my mom clearly has issues, we should support her and be there for her -especially if the day comes that she decides to seek help. I told him that at this point she would not listen to Jesus if He tried reasoning with her and because of that it's best to give her space, from a supportive compassionate place, and let her figure out her life from a distance so we don't get shot in any crossfire. He STILL wasn't quite grasping how deeeeeply vengeful, wrathful, and illogical my mom's state is towards him. Then he text me yesterday...

Basically Dean was complaining that he wanted OFF my mom's shared cell phone plan. It would cost her nothing to have him removed and since he was the one paying for it he was paying more than he would if it was just his cell plan alone. My mom REFUSED to let him off the plan since she currently pays nothing for it and he pays everything AND she then gets access to look at his cell phone records. Which is disturbing. I don't know very many women in domestic violence situations -like the one she's claiming he's capable of putting her in -that would CHOOSE to keep the man they FEAR on their cell phone plan. It seems highly illogical behavior for someone to do. You'd think the woman would want to separate as much from the man as humanly possible -especially since it implies HE would then have access to HER cell phone records as well. My mom's good at soap-opera star acting but not as great with the follow-up details of what an actual person in that situation might do.

So Dean was frustrated and kind of pissed and I kind of rolled my eyes and was like, "Well that sounds like something she would do at this point. I'm not all that surprised." Personally I think he shouldn't be either but Dean is still in denial about my mom's convoluted mentality right now. 

3 Verses of Random Thoughts

#1 Perrier v. Pellegrino v. Pinot Grigio

It's just awkward when I go to order a bottle of mineral water and I'm used to Pellegrino, but I can't remember if it's "Pellegrino" or "Pinot Grigio" because I'm stupid so of course I say, "Pinot Grigio", but because the clerk isn't an idiot like me he say, "We don't have Pellegrino, we have Perrier -is that ok?" and I say, "Yes", because it's all the same any way -Mineral Water is Mineral Water. Duh. 

#2 Bed, Bath, and Beyond v. Home Depot

This is something I've noticed as a female going into "male-oriented" stores. Not just the layout of the store itself, but the energy. Less organized and WAYYYY more intimidating as a female going into a male-oriented store. I suppose it's "emasculating" for men and a bit of a punch to the ego for them to go in female-oriented stores, but at least their better organized so you ultimately aren't in there as long. Also better lighting. 

Bed Bath + Beyond:

Home Depot:

#3 Lost Season 3 -aka "Post Exodus"

I was at a house-sitting job for the past couple of days. It was interesting because where last I left off on LOST I was just about to embark on the episode called "Exodus". Then the day I was supposed to start house sitting I first went to Oakdale, got 1/3 of my room, and moved it back to San Jose. Then when I went to go house sit I was given unlimited access to Netflix and picked up where I'd last left off on LOST. I never realized how religious/spiritual the show LOST really is, but it felt like I was meant to watch it to see that intuition always wins out in the end and everyone ends up ultimately being at the place their meant for. 

The show also shows that without objects we're kind of just left with who we are, and when we as people change for the better so do our circumstances and the way we handle things. We ultimately wind up in a better place because we better ourselves. 

Heaven is HERE

I was looking through pictures I'd taken recently and found one of a beautiful bush of flowers. 

This is Heaven. 

Then I got a text from my mom -who I've been having issues with lately. She basically told me that she misses her dog Rylie that recently passed away and she had a dream of the dog last night and wondered if it was God's way of saying Rylie is at peace in Heaven. I told her it was probably God's way of showing Rylie is watching over her and isn't far. Then mom said, "I hope I see her again some day..." 

This frustrates me. Maybe because I've had experiences with ghosts and experiences with positive entities from Heaven, but the fact is Heaven is HERE. It's as close to here as you Allow it to be. Meaning, this plane of existence called "Earth" is BOUND and BLENDED with the spiritual. If Heaven was made of water, Earth would be the lost city of Atlantis under the sea. There is no official "beginning point" for the entrance of Heaven -it is a spiritual plane of existence that can BE anywhere. 

Earth is like a chalice that can be filled with the waters of Grace and Presence of Heaven AND/OR the Darkness and Pains of Hell. People decide which resides in the space around us. 

So when you say something like, "Gee I hope I get to see my grandma again someday since she passed away last year and I'm not dead yet," what you're Failing to recognize is that she is HERE. You can call her near and she can be close to you. "Citizens" of Heaven have a harder time making their presence physically known to people on Earth, but Saints, Angels, and Jesus don't. They are easier to interact with and perceive. The energy and presence of Heaven can be brought in and felt HERE. 

And I'm constantly being reminded of the beauty of Heaven in the surroundings we have here on Earth. There is a lot of Hell that can easily be found in the morbid, the pained, and the broken -but there is also a boundless amount of beauty from Heaven here. 

Final Conclusion to Mom

On Thursday May 14th 2015 I returned to my mom's house. In my mind I imagined we would argue and she would either disown me or tell me she hated me and then I might be able to get my stuff out of the house and move to San Jose -or she could kick me out entirely and I'd have to seek legal action to get my possessions back.

Needless to say I was a nervous wreck and didn't know what to do with myself when she came home. I noticed she did not come home at 6pm as usual and assumed that since it was 8pm she had been visiting with a friend. She walked through the door and asked me how my car was running. I had taken it to the mechanics and they fixed it so it's doing ok for now. Then she walked out of the room and went about settling in. Then she said, "Why don't you watch some TV or something?" So I went into the living room and turned on Netflix. I was relieved there had been no immediate arguing, but was nervous it would eventually come.

Then she made herself some dinner and came into the living room and we watched Once Upon a Time together. She had never seen the show before so we were watching it from the beginning and were on season 2. It was kind of awkward to watch the show which at the time was about a witch named Regina who was trying to get back her son and her evil witch mother Cora was there trying to control her and influence her. It seemed like every episode had to do with messed up parenting/motherhood situation.

Then I went to go to bed, and went to hug her good night as I always did, and that's when I saw the resentment -which she couldn't quite hide and she hugged me like a robot would. I realized my mother was doing what I had done to her as a teenager: Pretend to be polite and act like everything is fine while silently resenting the person you're angry at while avoiding the elephant in the room. I had actually wanted to discuss things and hash things out if for no other reason to get to the truth of things, but I also hate confrontation so I took my "out" and went to bed.

I met with Dean for lunch the next day, while starting to pack things up early in the morning. Mom had taken off to who knows where early on, so I felt safe packing things up. I went to Denny's and had lunch with Dean and he told me that the night before at around 7pm mom and her friend Natalie went to his friend Dave's house (who he's been staying with) to hand him a restraining order. He said they were caught on Dave's camera outside the house banging on the door and yelling obscenities at him to get the paper. You know, cause that's what victims of domestic violence do. They take their female friend, drive over to where the man they are afraid of is at, and yell crap at them and egg them on. Mom also got a judge to refuse dean's right to come onto the property so now he can't even go to the house without getting arrested. So Dean's currently working on reversing all of that stuff.

I returned to the house afterwards and continued packing. I talked with my step-sister Sarah on the phone for a little while. she was sad and angry about what was happening to Dean. Then I got tired of packing and watched a couple episodes of Lost. I stopped just before it reached the episode called "Exodus" which I thought was ironic considering that's what I was doing at mom's.

Finally it was bed time and I told me pretty strait forwardly, "There's been too much stuff happening around here so I'm moving in with Emily in San Jose. I'll be taking my stuff out there over the next couple weeks."

Then mom said, "You know my Bible study friends and I got together at Vicky's and I told them what's been going on and so they're praying for you to see the truth and find your way to God."

She had intended it as a judgment and an insult, but personally I don't mind people praying for me. And I have gotten MORE truth in the past couple days about who my mom is and what's really going on than I ever have before. Mom wrote me a "burn letter" as my sister calls it in response to the one I wrote and handed it to me so I could finally hear the "truth". It was 4 pages long. In the letter she alleges that she Has been a victim of domestic violence in a previous relationship and "knows the signs". She said that Dean also smokes marijuana off and on -an "illegal substance" as she noted it -and he should go to rehab and jail. She also says that since she's 53 years old and I'm only 27 I'm basically an idiot when it comes to seeing reality. She also said that she doesn't need an intervention -her sister Debbie does.

Finally she says that Dean cheated on her and that I should be concerned that he broke one of the 10 Commandments but apparently I'm not "close to God" right now.

Yesterday morning my grandma called asking how I was since mom didn't fill her in on anything. I asked grandma about my mom's first husband Joe -who she claims beat her and stalked her. Grandma says that when mom was married to Joe back in the 80s they would have drug parties at their apartment. One day Joe called my grandma up and asked her to come over. When he got in her car grandma said he had been beaten up pretty bad. Joe said, "When she gets high she kind of goes crazy and starts hitting me. I was raised not to hit women, so what should I do?" Grandma told him to walk away when mom acted like that. At some point grandma had a pseudo -intervention and both Joe and my mom agreed to stop doing cocaine. Things got better for a little while, but eventually started going downhill again.

Mom showed up at my grandma's house stoned and said that grandma  should do something about Joe and the way he was acting. Grandma said, "At some point you have to decide which matters more to you: Family or Drugs?" Mom said, "I choose drugs," and walked away. They stopped talking for about 5 years. Then mom called grandma up one day and said, "I need you to come get me. I'm in jail." Apparently mom had been pulled over for driving under the influence. Grandma yelled at her and told her to stop abusing alcohol. Then 1 week later mom called grandma again because she had run into a tree. This was around the time dad and mom were getting divorced because dad recalled mom getting in trouble. She had had cocaine in the car, but the policeman was also a user so let her go with just a drunk driving ticket.

During my mom's marriage to dad (after Joe) she would go around telling the neighbors that dad was abusive to her. The neighbors laughed about it because they knew he wasn't hurting her and everyone thought my mom was crazy or high on drugs. Then during the divorce at one point my mom tried to allege that my dad was abusive to my sister and I. Someone on mom's side of the family called her out on the lie and it was knocked down pretty quickly.

So basically my mom is a person who has abused drugs, currently abuses alcohol and pain pills, has been physically abusive in a relationship, is emotionally abusive, and claims to be a victim for just about anything and everything including things that never happened that she's made up. It's pretty intense.

I don't know my mother anymore. She's gone. I also don't know what she's capable of -which is frightening. My dad, my step-mom, and my sister, and my friend Alex were ALL concerned for my emotional and PHYSICAL wellbeing when I went to go see mom. the part that is most confusing to me is, "Which parts of the lies my mom tells are plotted out (because I know she has literally plotted some of them out) and which ones has she genuinely come to believe are true because she's became that delusional now?" And ultimately how do I foster any kind of a healthy relationship with someone like this?

If we sever, my mom loses. She loses a daughter, she loses her other daughter Emily, she loses other relatives, and she loses any future grandchildren she may one day have through us. All you can do is pray.

The cherry on the icing of this sundae was seeing the $100 wine voucher displayed on the kitchen counter. I had seen it and had hidden it hoping she wouldn't find it, but not wanting to throw it away since technically it's not my property. It sucks her friends are enablers that from what I hear drink excessively themselves and in one case also abuse pain pills.

My grandma also tells me my Aunt Debbie recently discovered she is an alcoholic. Grandma said, "I know." Debbie said, "How did you know, I just found out?"Grandma said, "Everyone but you has known I guess." Debbie got rid of the alcohol in her house, went to rehab, and is now trying to recover from her addiction. 

Moving Forward

This is the first time I've really reached out to friends and family for help. You normally reach out to them to have them come support you at an art show -not really caring if they show up or anyone comes because "social obligation" v. genuinely wanting to be there mandates that mentality. But when it comes to asking for help for emotional or traumatic situations -especially to do with family issues -it's a challenge. 

But it seems like now's the time to open up about stuff. The funny thing is my mom being alcoholic isn't what upsets me. And yes the deterioration of her mental health mixed with her wrath and animosity frightens me. But I think what ultimately upset me was the thought of "not doing my mom proud". Even though I'm 27 there's still some child buried in me that still seeks her mother's approval and blessing. I was afraid of making my mom angry at me because then I would no longer be seen as "perfect" in her eyes. This instinct is probably some kind of co-dependency mechanism. 

I've got 3 relatives telling me to go to AL-ANON meetings and to seek some level of counseling for handling the fact that I have an alcoholic parent. I'm more concerned about whether my mom takes therapy into consideration and goes to find herself help. I feel compelled to help her. 

I had a dream last night that I came home, worried that my mom might kick me out and disown me, but instead she ran up to me and hugged me. She said, "Don't worry about any of that stuff it doesn't matter, I just want you to know that I love you." It's sad to know that Won't happen. My mom doesn't love me that way. As many times as she's told me she loves me unconditionally I've always know that if I didn't say what she wanted me to say or act the way she wanted me to act she'd burn this bridge and let go of me forever. 

What she lets go of if she ends our relationship over this isn't just me. My sister would NEVER go near my mom again if we parted ways given how fractured her current relationship with her already is. Mom will also miss out on the birth of my children in the future. She will have to live out the remainder of her time on this earth clinging to the title she loved most: "Mother", but with no children around give that title any validity or meaning. 

Update on Mom Issues

I talked to my dad about all the stuff going on with mom. He said that at one point during their divorce she tried to prevent him from seeing my sister and I by claiming he beat her and put her in the hospital. When the judge in the court asked for the proof of medical records showing this she had NONE. She has lied before to try and prevent someone in a divorce to get access to what they rightfully should have access too. 

Then she posted this on Facebook:

Mom: I want to say thank you for all the thoughts and prayers for my beloved family member Rylie, not only my border collie but the keeper of my secrets, the helper of my tears, the catcher of the ball i gratefully threw more than a 1000 times, a true security system and always by my side, had my back and was beloved by all who met her. A smart, beautiful, soft and smart companion. She passed away at 6 years, 4 months and 4 days, approximently 4:15pm she left my life and forever left lots of fabulous memories and an aching heart.

Mom: stacey, she had severe pancreatitis that caused her kidneys to go into renal failure....it happened so fast, gone within 5 days..

Mom: it looks suspisous..maybe my ex to be...

Stacey: If he could do something so sick he needs to b put down. Lucky I'm not around!!

Me: Rylie had Pancreatitis a couple years ago and was essentially on her death bed. The doctors said it would probably come back and when it did she probably wouldn't make it. It came back. The vet said her pancreas was ruined and her kidneys were following after -there was nothing we could have done. To DISHONOR Rylie's passing by then blaming her death on Dean who has looked after her just as you did is SICK.

She's trying to convince her friends Dean is capable of murdering a dog. Anything she can scrape together to make him look guilty so she can justify a restraining order so he no longer can have access to the property he has still in the house. 

I finally have to accept the fact that my mom has a severe mental or psychological illness in which she vilifies people and spreads lies she then believes to be the truth. 

Break to End

For the past week this thought has occurred to me: Everything is Breaking. 

-My mom's getting divorced

-Rylie our dog died 

-My aunt Vicky's health isn't good

-My step-mom Kari's health isn't good

-My car's breaking down

And then I thought, "Maybe this is the way the world HAS to end. Maybe everything has to break and shatter for this world to truly come apart that it might rise like a phoenix from its own ashes." 

Or maybe this is just Hell rising. Maybe this is the way Hell "surfaces" onto this planet at the end. 

This world itself is falling apart with the Environment and Nature, War, Poverty, Crime, Emotional Pains... This is either the last stand of Darkness before the light at the end of the tunnel comes through, or this is Hell emerging and finally coming to light that it might at last be faced and conquered. 

Who knows... 

Mom Issues Part 2

I think my mom honestly has a psychological disorder at this point. She's like Jodie Arias or that woman from Gone Girl where she keeps blaming one guy after the other for crimes they didn't commit. 

The chronology of events is getting harder for me to keep up with, so here we go: 

1. Mom and Dean's dog Rylie passes away and mom tailspins into depression and mourning. 

2. The next day Dean comes by to get the Titles to his vehicles out of the safe at mom/Dean's house, where mom assured him they still were. They weren't there. Dean text mom and she eventually told him she had handed the titles over to her attorney and that they were "community property" -even though LEGALLY they were in Dean's name alone and belonged solely to him. 

3. Dean locks the storage shed and bars it because he's pretty sure mom will take his stuff since she already took the Titles to his cars and motorcycle and put it somewhere else. 

4.That night when mom comes home she says that Dean "threatened her" in text that day -which I know to be a lie because I was with Dean when he text her and he let me read the texts back and forth between them. 

5. That night as previously scheduled, Dean serves mom his divorce papers by having a man deliver the papers to her -which he is legally obligated to do within the first month of him receiving them from her, which he had. 

6. I hear mom drunkenly talking on the phone to her friend that night. "Yah he served me the papers, right after Rylie just died. He says he cares about me but clearly he doesn't. I'm just going to have to start doing things. I tried to be nice to him but not anymore..." Over some more muffled talking I hear the words, "Emergency Restraining Order" and more conversation about how unjust Dean has been.

7. Emily and I come to visit with mom for Mother's Day after being in San Jose for a couple days. Mom hands us new keys to the house and announces that because of Dean's threatening behavior she had to have the locks changed. She goes onto say that Dean left her a threatening note on the door and she had to call the sheriff because she thought she was in danger. Mom tells me specifically NOT to let Dean into the house -even though LEGALLY it's still his. 

8. Mom gets drunk at night on 7 glasses of Vodka and Tropicana and starts wandering from the living room to the kitchen saying stuff like "there's nothing here for me".

9. I'm at the house today. Dean comes. I go outside and explain things to him. He shows me the "threatening note" he left mom:

The note in reality WASN'T posted on the main house as mom had alluded to, but on the Storage Shed. It had the word "Beware" on it because behind the door itself were a pile of bags and things that would have gotten knocked over if someone had opened the door. He also asked her in the note NOT to change the locks to the storage shed. 

10. Dean started texting with mom and at 1pm my mom text me saying, "Dean threatened me in text again, so I'm calling the sherrif..." I ran out to Dean to see the alleged text in person. 

Dean stated in the text he wasn't happy about the house having the locks changed considering it was his house. Mom was aggressive and angry towards him and threatened to call the sherriff and sue him. Dean said he would counter-sue since he had the same rights to the house as she did. 

11. I then get pissed and upset and leave a note of my own for mom: 

For a person to plot to accuse a former spouse of either attempting or being capable of Domestic Violence when they have never and would never do that is INSANE and IMMORAL. The saddest part is Dean has gone out of his way to let mom make all the decisions with regard to the property and different shared items. He mostly just wants his stuff and any pictures of his son and daughter he can find. Everything else he doesn't care that much about. He's been calm and accommodating and mom Repeatedly keeps trying to treat him like crap. 

Mother's Day + Tragedy

I knew my mom was an alcoholic by the time I was 14. During that time I resented her existence and blamed the way she acted on the alcohol. But past a certain point I realized that alcohol itself doesn't make you lie, manipulate, and dominate over the people around you. 


So here's how it goes: Mom wants love, like most people do. To KEEP love, out of an instinct of insecurity, she tries to control, dominate over, and manipulate the people around her. Doing this then drives them away. She then gets depressed and drinks heavily. In order to contend with this she then guilt-trips the remaining people in her life and plays victim to every negative instance that can occur from the refrigerator breaking down or her own decision to burn bridges with someone who was once a friend. The remaining people then grow distant and annoyed to say the least -never believing a word because ALL words become invalidated when you constantly make mountains out of mole hills and lie to make yourself seem like a victim. 

10 years ago my step-sister and I knew our step-dad was screwed. We considered him a  saint for staying beside my mom and supporting her even though she had changed for the worse and was constantly complaining about drama and bullsh*t. 

1 month ago Dean finally filed for divorce. He said it was hard leaving mom because he still loves her and has feelings for her, but can't stay in a relationship giving and giving and giving when there is no love being given back. 

At first the divorce was amiable and respectable, but things started going downhill quickly. Dean said he wanted mom to have just about everything so there wouldn't be much arguing. Mom stayed in the house and kept most of the things. Then some of Dean's property -his alone -went missing. Mom admitted she gave some of it over the attorney even though it was literally HIS. Like taking your car keys and having them over to an attorney to see who's they'll end up in the divorce. 

In retaliation Dean locked the storage shed that had most of his tools and equipment in it anyway. 

In retaliation mom had the locks changed on the house itself so he can't get in now -even though legally it's still his home. 

Mom has also started claiming Dean:

1) Sent her a threatening letter (which Dean explained to me and sounds pretty straight forward just explaining the reasons he wants a divorce -both his faults and hers)

2) Dean sent her threatening texts (which mom doesn't know I was there when he sent them and he let me read them and there were no threats he was just angry she hid his stuff and pretended not to know where it was)

3) Dean left a threatening note on the storage shed (Dean wrote "Beware of opening this door" because on the other side was a pile of stuff that would have gotten knocked over and mom mistakenly took it as a threat.

Mom now wants to get a restraining order against Dean and is trying to paint him up as an abusive spouse. Dean's pretty much the nicest guy you'll ever meet so to see him getting screwed over like this is pretty hard. 

Last Tuesday Rylie, my mom's dog, died at 6 years of age. She had had pancreatitis before and was essentially on her death bed. The vet said nothing could be done. Initially she hadn't wanted Dean to be there, but Dean said, "She's my dog too and I love her." 

We sat on the floor as Rylie came in. Mom took the loss like a woman who's child was dying of cancer. I stayed calm and present. Rylie was confused and nervous about what was happening. Then they slipped in the morphine and I felt her body give way. I felt her spirit pass out and I knew in that instant this was just a dead body. I "saw" Rylie move around the room confused. She then saw mom and Dean and became concerned over their sadness. I called to Jesus and Mary to help her cross over. The last moment of concern I felt from her was over her body. I heard/understood, "Take care of the body." I assured them it would be fine and she crossed over. She was gone within 2 minutes time total and I was proud of how well she had handled her death and being led into Heaven by Jesus. 

After Rylie died mom was in mourning. I asked God to send mom a sign to let her know Rylie was ok. When I was in mom's room trying to console her I felt a presence. It was strong, distinct, and large. At first I was scared and thought it might be a negative entity. Then I felt it's energy. It was like a wave of peace came over me and all my worries and issues were gone. I KNEW it was a good entity. And it came over to me as if to console me. I psychically told it, "I'm fine, mom needs help. Go to her." 

I then felt this entity move from me to the side of the bed mom was on. I sat waiting for her to pickup on its presence. Instead she kept talking and drying her eyes with kleenex. Finally I told her about the presence and she sat trying to listen. Then my ears started to ring and I sensed its energy building. I asked mom about her ears and she said they were ringing too. Then she said she felt something pass over her hands like wind or sand. Then she got a word: Transcendence. She then "saw" hands being lifted upward. 

My head was then turned towards my mom's table on my left in the opposite direction of my mom. I knew I was being shown something but I didn't know what so I just kind of stared at the table. Then I saw the figure of an angel and told mom to come look at the statuette on her table. I said, "My head was turned in the direction of the angel -this entity must be an Angel!" 

Then mom asked if it was Rylie. I then explained that Normal Humans -what I call "civilians" -have a hard time in Heaven coming back here to earth to intervene. It takes a LOT of energy to come down and then try to physically interact. ONLY in acts of emergency intervening for the protection for a relative would a civilian from Heaven be able. That's why you call on Saints and Angels instead who know how to do that and have the energy. Animals on the other hand would have an even harder time than civilians to come back down and help someone here on earth. I said, "That's why the angel was sent instead. Because Rylie couldn't come but they wanted you to know she was ok."

Mom was more at-ease after that... for 5 minutes. Then she got on the phone with someone and started rehashing the while experience of losing Rylie. 

I have since come to 2 conclusions about my mom's current state:

1) She doesn't miss Rylie herself, but rather the companionship. She's kind of alone now and that's what she's struggling with most.

2) Even if Jesus Christ Himself were here trying to console her she would NOT listen and would NOT find peace. She WANTS pain because she WANTS to be the victim so she can Gain SYMPATHY, ATTENTION, and (in her own mind) LOVE.

Last night mom had 7 glasses of Vodka mixed with Tropicana. She started wandering around the house saying things like, "Rylie I wish you were here," and "Everything here is dead, there's nothing here for me now." This raised 3 concerns:

1) Mom might be trying to commit suicide by overdosing on alcohol. And after many many years of drinking her body might give out soon.

2) Mom's completely forgotten the human connections she still has on this earth -like Vicky, Grandma, Grandpa, my sister, me, her friends... as if none of these people mattered. 

3) She hasn't called out to God like she had months before when things got rough. She's forgotten God -now when she could draw the most strength from Him. 

This morning I decided to throw out All of mom's liquor and give her the name of 3 therapists. Then I actually attempted to throw out the liquor and found there was TOO much of it. She would only get pissed at me and I don't want a confrontation. Then drama ensued and now I'm leaving. I can't take the lies and drama anymore. So much for Mother's Day...

Flourishing Artwork

Where we last left off I was worried about finances. So I prayed to God meditation-style and was basically "told" that as long as I was ok with money coming in in a non-traditional 9 to 5 job way that it would come in different forms and that God would take care of me financially the way a child is bu its parents. 

And sure enough I got $150 and $2500 back from federal and state tax returns. And then a woman saw my artwork on Etsy and offered me a place in an art show in San Jose called "RAW Artists". And I sold $200 worth of art prints there and lots of friends and family came to support me. 

And now my artwork in general is flourishing and I've been working day to day on varying art projects. And my friend Leslie wants me to finish working on her Website and Infographic resume. Lots of good things happening. 

On the downside my mom and my step-dad Dean are getting divorced. To be honest my step-sister and I thought Dean would leave my mom 10 years ago, but Dean realllllly wanted to make the marriage work. So things are now a little tense and uncomfortable between them and mom's going to be moving, but Dean and I are still close and I'm here to help ease the situation as much as I can.