Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Moving Forward

This is the first time I've really reached out to friends and family for help. You normally reach out to them to have them come support you at an art show -not really caring if they show up or anyone comes because "social obligation" v. genuinely wanting to be there mandates that mentality. But when it comes to asking for help for emotional or traumatic situations -especially to do with family issues -it's a challenge. 

But it seems like now's the time to open up about stuff. The funny thing is my mom being alcoholic isn't what upsets me. And yes the deterioration of her mental health mixed with her wrath and animosity frightens me. But I think what ultimately upset me was the thought of "not doing my mom proud". Even though I'm 27 there's still some child buried in me that still seeks her mother's approval and blessing. I was afraid of making my mom angry at me because then I would no longer be seen as "perfect" in her eyes. This instinct is probably some kind of co-dependency mechanism. 

I've got 3 relatives telling me to go to AL-ANON meetings and to seek some level of counseling for handling the fact that I have an alcoholic parent. I'm more concerned about whether my mom takes therapy into consideration and goes to find herself help. I feel compelled to help her. 

I had a dream last night that I came home, worried that my mom might kick me out and disown me, but instead she ran up to me and hugged me. She said, "Don't worry about any of that stuff it doesn't matter, I just want you to know that I love you." It's sad to know that Won't happen. My mom doesn't love me that way. As many times as she's told me she loves me unconditionally I've always know that if I didn't say what she wanted me to say or act the way she wanted me to act she'd burn this bridge and let go of me forever. 

What she lets go of if she ends our relationship over this isn't just me. My sister would NEVER go near my mom again if we parted ways given how fractured her current relationship with her already is. Mom will also miss out on the birth of my children in the future. She will have to live out the remainder of her time on this earth clinging to the title she loved most: "Mother", but with no children around give that title any validity or meaning. 

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