Monday, May 11, 2015

Mother's Day + Tragedy

I knew my mom was an alcoholic by the time I was 14. During that time I resented her existence and blamed the way she acted on the alcohol. But past a certain point I realized that alcohol itself doesn't make you lie, manipulate, and dominate over the people around you. 

So here's how it goes: Mom wants love, like most people do. To KEEP love, out of an instinct of insecurity, she tries to control, dominate over, and manipulate the people around her. Doing this then drives them away. She then gets depressed and drinks heavily. In order to contend with this she then guilt-trips the remaining people in her life and plays victim to every negative instance that can occur from the refrigerator breaking down or her own decision to burn bridges with someone who was once a friend. The remaining people then grow distant and annoyed to say the least -never believing a word because ALL words become invalidated when you constantly make mountains out of mole hills and lie to make yourself seem like a victim. 

10 years ago my step-sister and I knew our step-dad was screwed. We considered him a  saint for staying beside my mom and supporting her even though she had changed for the worse and was constantly complaining about drama and bullsh*t. 

1 month ago Dean finally filed for divorce. He said it was hard leaving mom because he still loves her and has feelings for her, but can't stay in a relationship giving and giving and giving when there is no love being given back. 

At first the divorce was amiable and respectable, but things started going downhill quickly. Dean said he wanted mom to have just about everything so there wouldn't be much arguing. Mom stayed in the house and kept most of the things. Then some of Dean's property -his alone -went missing. Mom admitted she gave some of it over the attorney even though it was literally HIS. Like taking your car keys and having them over to an attorney to see who's they'll end up in the divorce. 

In retaliation Dean locked the storage shed that had most of his tools and equipment in it anyway. 

In retaliation mom had the locks changed on the house itself so he can't get in now -even though legally it's still his home. 

Mom has also started claiming Dean:

1) Sent her a threatening letter (which Dean explained to me and sounds pretty straight forward just explaining the reasons he wants a divorce -both his faults and hers)

2) Dean sent her threatening texts (which mom doesn't know I was there when he sent them and he let me read them and there were no threats he was just angry she hid his stuff and pretended not to know where it was)

3) Dean left a threatening note on the storage shed (Dean wrote "Beware of opening this door" because on the other side was a pile of stuff that would have gotten knocked over and mom mistakenly took it as a threat.

Mom now wants to get a restraining order against Dean and is trying to paint him up as an abusive spouse. Dean's pretty much the nicest guy you'll ever meet so to see him getting screwed over like this is pretty hard. 

Last Tuesday Rylie, my mom's dog, died at 6 years of age. She had had pancreatitis before and was essentially on her death bed. The vet said nothing could be done. Initially she hadn't wanted Dean to be there, but Dean said, "She's my dog too and I love her." 

We sat on the floor as Rylie came in. Mom took the loss like a woman who's child was dying of cancer. I stayed calm and present. Rylie was confused and nervous about what was happening. Then they slipped in the morphine and I felt her body give way. I felt her spirit pass out and I knew in that instant this was just a dead body. I "saw" Rylie move around the room confused. She then saw mom and Dean and became concerned over their sadness. I called to Jesus and Mary to help her cross over. The last moment of concern I felt from her was over her body. I heard/understood, "Take care of the body." I assured them it would be fine and she crossed over. She was gone within 2 minutes time total and I was proud of how well she had handled her death and being led into Heaven by Jesus. 

After Rylie died mom was in mourning. I asked God to send mom a sign to let her know Rylie was ok. When I was in mom's room trying to console her I felt a presence. It was strong, distinct, and large. At first I was scared and thought it might be a negative entity. Then I felt it's energy. It was like a wave of peace came over me and all my worries and issues were gone. I KNEW it was a good entity. And it came over to me as if to console me. I psychically told it, "I'm fine, mom needs help. Go to her." 

I then felt this entity move from me to the side of the bed mom was on. I sat waiting for her to pickup on its presence. Instead she kept talking and drying her eyes with kleenex. Finally I told her about the presence and she sat trying to listen. Then my ears started to ring and I sensed its energy building. I asked mom about her ears and she said they were ringing too. Then she said she felt something pass over her hands like wind or sand. Then she got a word: Transcendence. She then "saw" hands being lifted upward. 

My head was then turned towards my mom's table on my left in the opposite direction of my mom. I knew I was being shown something but I didn't know what so I just kind of stared at the table. Then I saw the figure of an angel and told mom to come look at the statuette on her table. I said, "My head was turned in the direction of the angel -this entity must be an Angel!" 

Then mom asked if it was Rylie. I then explained that Normal Humans -what I call "civilians" -have a hard time in Heaven coming back here to earth to intervene. It takes a LOT of energy to come down and then try to physically interact. ONLY in acts of emergency intervening for the protection for a relative would a civilian from Heaven be able. That's why you call on Saints and Angels instead who know how to do that and have the energy. Animals on the other hand would have an even harder time than civilians to come back down and help someone here on earth. I said, "That's why the angel was sent instead. Because Rylie couldn't come but they wanted you to know she was ok."

Mom was more at-ease after that... for 5 minutes. Then she got on the phone with someone and started rehashing the while experience of losing Rylie. 

I have since come to 2 conclusions about my mom's current state:

1) She doesn't miss Rylie herself, but rather the companionship. She's kind of alone now and that's what she's struggling with most.

2) Even if Jesus Christ Himself were here trying to console her she would NOT listen and would NOT find peace. She WANTS pain because she WANTS to be the victim so she can Gain SYMPATHY, ATTENTION, and (in her own mind) LOVE.

Last night mom had 7 glasses of Vodka mixed with Tropicana. She started wandering around the house saying things like, "Rylie I wish you were here," and "Everything here is dead, there's nothing here for me now." This raised 3 concerns:

1) Mom might be trying to commit suicide by overdosing on alcohol. And after many many years of drinking her body might give out soon.

2) Mom's completely forgotten the human connections she still has on this earth -like Vicky, Grandma, Grandpa, my sister, me, her friends... as if none of these people mattered. 

3) She hasn't called out to God like she had months before when things got rough. She's forgotten God -now when she could draw the most strength from Him. 

This morning I decided to throw out All of mom's liquor and give her the name of 3 therapists. Then I actually attempted to throw out the liquor and found there was TOO much of it. She would only get pissed at me and I don't want a confrontation. Then drama ensued and now I'm leaving. I can't take the lies and drama anymore. So much for Mother's Day...

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