On Thursday May 14th 2015 I returned to my mom's house. In my mind I imagined we would argue and she would either disown me or tell me she hated me and then I might be able to get my stuff out of the house and move to San Jose -or she could kick me out entirely and I'd have to seek legal action to get my possessions back.
Needless to say I was a nervous wreck and didn't know what to do with myself when she came home. I noticed she did not come home at 6pm as usual and assumed that since it was 8pm she had been visiting with a friend. She walked through the door and asked me how my car was running. I had taken it to the mechanics and they fixed it so it's doing ok for now. Then she walked out of the room and went about settling in. Then she said, "Why don't you watch some TV or something?" So I went into the living room and turned on Netflix. I was relieved there had been no immediate arguing, but was nervous it would eventually come.
Then she made herself some dinner and came into the living room and we watched Once Upon a Time together. She had never seen the show before so we were watching it from the beginning and were on season 2. It was kind of awkward to watch the show which at the time was about a witch named Regina who was trying to get back her son and her evil witch mother Cora was there trying to control her and influence her. It seemed like every episode had to do with messed up parenting/motherhood situation.
Then I went to go to bed, and went to hug her good night as I always did, and that's when I saw the resentment -which she couldn't quite hide and she hugged me like a robot would. I realized my mother was doing what I had done to her as a teenager: Pretend to be polite and act like everything is fine while silently resenting the person you're angry at while avoiding the elephant in the room. I had actually wanted to discuss things and hash things out if for no other reason to get to the truth of things, but I also hate confrontation so I took my "out" and went to bed.
I met with Dean for lunch the next day, while starting to pack things up early in the morning. Mom had taken off to who knows where early on, so I felt safe packing things up. I went to Denny's and had lunch with Dean and he told me that the night before at around 7pm mom and her friend Natalie went to his friend Dave's house (who he's been staying with) to hand him a restraining order. He said they were caught on Dave's camera outside the house banging on the door and yelling obscenities at him to get the paper. You know, cause that's what victims of domestic violence do. They take their female friend, drive over to where the man they are afraid of is at, and yell crap at them and egg them on. Mom also got a judge to refuse dean's right to come onto the property so now he can't even go to the house without getting arrested. So Dean's currently working on reversing all of that stuff.
I returned to the house afterwards and continued packing. I talked with my step-sister Sarah on the phone for a little while. she was sad and angry about what was happening to Dean. Then I got tired of packing and watched a couple episodes of Lost. I stopped just before it reached the episode called "Exodus" which I thought was ironic considering that's what I was doing at mom's.
Finally it was bed time and I told me pretty strait forwardly, "There's been too much stuff happening around here so I'm moving in with Emily in San Jose. I'll be taking my stuff out there over the next couple weeks."
Then mom said, "You know my Bible study friends and I got together at Vicky's and I told them what's been going on and so they're praying for you to see the truth and find your way to God."
She had intended it as a judgment and an insult, but personally I don't mind people praying for me. And I have gotten MORE truth in the past couple days about who my mom is and what's really going on than I ever have before. Mom wrote me a "burn letter" as my sister calls it in response to the one I wrote and handed it to me so I could finally hear the "truth". It was 4 pages long. In the letter she alleges that she Has been a victim of domestic violence in a previous relationship and "knows the signs". She said that Dean also smokes marijuana off and on -an "illegal substance" as she noted it -and he should go to rehab and jail. She also says that since she's 53 years old and I'm only 27 I'm basically an idiot when it comes to seeing reality. She also said that she doesn't need an intervention -her sister Debbie does.
Finally she says that Dean cheated on her and that I should be concerned that he broke one of the 10 Commandments but apparently I'm not "close to God" right now.
Yesterday morning my grandma called asking how I was since mom didn't fill her in on anything. I asked grandma about my mom's first husband Joe -who she claims beat her and stalked her. Grandma says that when mom was married to Joe back in the 80s they would have drug parties at their apartment. One day Joe called my grandma up and asked her to come over. When he got in her car grandma said he had been beaten up pretty bad. Joe said, "When she gets high she kind of goes crazy and starts hitting me. I was raised not to hit women, so what should I do?" Grandma told him to walk away when mom acted like that. At some point grandma had a pseudo -intervention and both Joe and my mom agreed to stop doing cocaine. Things got better for a little while, but eventually started going downhill again.
Mom showed up at my grandma's house stoned and said that grandma should do something about Joe and the way he was acting. Grandma said, "At some point you have to decide which matters more to you: Family or Drugs?" Mom said, "I choose drugs," and walked away. They stopped talking for about 5 years. Then mom called grandma up one day and said, "I need you to come get me. I'm in jail." Apparently mom had been pulled over for driving under the influence. Grandma yelled at her and told her to stop abusing alcohol. Then 1 week later mom called grandma again because she had run into a tree. This was around the time dad and mom were getting divorced because dad recalled mom getting in trouble. She had had cocaine in the car, but the policeman was also a user so let her go with just a drunk driving ticket.
During my mom's marriage to dad (after Joe) she would go around telling the neighbors that dad was abusive to her. The neighbors laughed about it because they knew he wasn't hurting her and everyone thought my mom was crazy or high on drugs. Then during the divorce at one point my mom tried to allege that my dad was abusive to my sister and I. Someone on mom's side of the family called her out on the lie and it was knocked down pretty quickly.
So basically my mom is a person who has abused drugs, currently abuses alcohol and pain pills, has been physically abusive in a relationship, is emotionally abusive, and claims to be a victim for just about anything and everything including things that never happened that she's made up. It's pretty intense.
I don't know my mother anymore. She's gone. I also don't know what she's capable of -which is frightening. My dad, my step-mom, and my sister, and my friend Alex were ALL concerned for my emotional and PHYSICAL wellbeing when I went to go see mom. the part that is most confusing to me is, "Which parts of the lies my mom tells are plotted out (because I know she has literally plotted some of them out) and which ones has she genuinely come to believe are true because she's became that delusional now?" And ultimately how do I foster any kind of a healthy relationship with someone like this?
If we sever, my mom loses. She loses a daughter, she loses her other daughter Emily, she loses other relatives, and she loses any future grandchildren she may one day have through us. All you can do is pray.
The cherry on the icing of this sundae was seeing the $100 wine voucher displayed on the kitchen counter. I had seen it and had hidden it hoping she wouldn't find it, but not wanting to throw it away since technically it's not my property. It sucks her friends are enablers that from what I hear drink excessively themselves and in one case also abuse pain pills.
My grandma also tells me my Aunt Debbie recently discovered she is an alcoholic. Grandma said, "I know." Debbie said, "How did you know, I just found out?"Grandma said, "Everyone but you has known I guess." Debbie got rid of the alcohol in her house, went to rehab, and is now trying to recover from her addiction.