Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Old Speech -Funny Take on Hopelessness

Rummaging through old potential speeches I never gave and came across this beauty: 

Life is a lose-lose situation. You’re born, you get old, and then you die. Life is a series of one disappointing moment after another. You drop the ice cream you’ve been waiting all day to eat on the ground. You’re single on Valentine’s Day. Nobody ever gets that pony they always wanted as a child. You assign roles each week and people cancel. The world doesn’t end when the Mayans predict it will. Life is out to get us… 

And it starts when we’re young. The first thing life does is lure us into a false sense of idyllic nostalgia by giving us a childhood. Now when you initially reflect on your childhood you may be fooled into believing that those were happy days. Look again. Remember those nice home cooked meals at the end of the day that mom would prepare? Were they really that good all the time? 

For example, I can recall my mom’s enchiladas. I can remember how gross and spicy they were. I also remember not being able to leave the table until I ate it all. And then it would get cold. And I would get bored. And hungry. For an hour or two. 

And what about those classic TV shows that had you laughing and dancing around? You know who I remember? Barney. Big purple singing dinosaur. He seemed friendly enough. Then you know what happened? I found out dinosaurs were extinct and it was a guy in a costume and nobody at school thought Barney was cool. 

Then when you finally get the hang of being a kid, the teenage years hit. Suddenly nothing you liked is cool anymore. You have to garage sale off all your formerly prized possessions. Sorry Beanie Babies but it’s time for you to grow up. That’s just home life-school life gets even worse. 

You have to get up earlier. You have to be seen with your parents as they drive you to school until you learn how to drive in which case you have to try not to die as you get to school. Your work load increases. They no longer cover soft-ball subjects like naming the presidents. No. Now you’re in high school. It’s time to learn about Economics, Pre-calculus, the Holocaust, Shakespeare…Genetic Coding! It’s a high price to pay to be smarter than a 5th grader…

Then after high school you know what happens? High school part 2: College.
The disappointments continue downhill from there. Say goodbye to all those good, home-cooked meals. It’s Rice-A-Roni, Top Ramen, and Pop Tarts from here on out. What was that about finally being free and independent? You know what you do most freely and independently in college –taking exams. Getting up in the morning at 3am to finish that 20 page paper due in 5 hours. Being woken up in the middle of the night because the roommates next door just got back from an inspiring concert and they feel like blasting Kanye West through the halls to share the excitement with everyone. 

And then you finally escape and graduate to go on to pursue the fullest of your dreams and live life as you were always meant to in the career you’ve been planning for… oh wait… guess what? Recession. No jobs for you! And when you do finally get a job what do you have to look forward to? Coffee addiction, spreadsheets, and getting old and wrinkly. 

Be warned my friends…life will betray you. E tu life-e?
But people keep saying, “Yes –of course life is full of disappointments. But listen to the wisdom of philosophers and the Hikkus posted on Facebook. They will tell you how to find peace in life. And rainbows. And moonbeams. And Lucky Charms Cereal.”

Even if you were to gather up all the wisdom in the world and compile it into your brain, you know what it would ultimately lead to…death. Wisdom leads to death. I’m not saying it’s a direct cause, but there’s definitely a correlation there. 

In conclusion: Life is full of disappointments and there is no upside.

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