Reaction to Mathew 5

Unlike the previous chapters, Mathew 5 hit me hard last night. I guess it's a good thing when different parts of the Bible effect you in different ways because it means you're really taking it in.

I don't like Mathew much. I prefer John. John lists things in a more spiritual way that flows in a more conceptual way. Mathew just lists things, and when things like that are listed they seem more like check lists. 

You are always going to see how you measure up in that kind of list. It's like God is saying:
"The following people are blessed and will make it to Heaven..." 
"The following people are damned to Hell for all eternity and will not be making it to Heaven..."

And what ends up happening is you see yourself in BOTH lists. Like your soul is going to be split in 2 when you die and one half will go to Hell and the other will go to Heaven. For me it was pretty depressing. You do feel imperfect and unworthy and flawed and broken and damned. 

Mathew 5: 1-12 was fine with me. I'm humble and merciful and work for peace and hunger for justice. Why is it in the Bible that all good things end at "12" and all bad things/things start going downhill beginning at "13"? 

Mathew 5:13-48 my brain exploded with all the ways people can be screwed and can wind up going to Hell. Who hasn't gotten angry at someone? Who hasn't hated an enemy who brought harm upon another? Dang it! 

The only way I could find peace within the text was in knowing God has a fail-safe.
-For the One Who Causes Harm to Another: You should give more in repentance than is asked. 
-For the One Wanting Revenge: Love your enemies.
-Forgive your enemies and make peace with them or you will not make it to Heaven.

Under these ordinances both the "evil doer" and the one evil is done unto are equally in the same boat. Both have to give. The "evil doer" has to give to his greatest capacity a sincere apology from his whole being and the "one who has been pained" has to give forgiveness. 

But what's amazing for me to see is how quickly Mathew 5:1-16 flew from my mind and was almost forgotten. How quickly the knowing of blessing and being a light went out the window. Salvation and things to rejoice in were left behind and my mind chose to focus only on the negative and the fear that comes with doubting yourself. 

I finally found rest in the notion that we all veer from the road to God. We all take missteps in the wrong direction and sway from the path in front of us. Our goal is to recognize when we veer and to swerve back onto the road. We should also help to guide others as well to help them stay the course as well.