I went rummaging through
my sisters old stuff at my mom’s house yesterday. Emily is having issues with
mom these days so she asked me to grab a few things from her room while I was
out there visiting.
There was a lot of Pokémon
stuff. A Lot of Pokémon stuff. (Little known fact, spell check just corrected “Pokemon”
by adding an accent mark to it). There were also a lot of pennies –for some
reason Emily has always felt compelled to collect them. There were a lot of old
calendars that had 1. Horses, 2. Tigers, 3. Green Day, and 4. Bunnies. There
were lots of notebooks from high school that had my sister’s handwriting a.k.a.
chicken scratch on them.
But in and among all
the random things I normally associated with my sister were some surprising
things I found that reminded her more of myself than anything. It was
frightening. As the older sibling who was frequently haunted by my sister’s
shadow following me around everywhere when I was younger, I instinctually feel
compelled to differentiate her from myself. When you’re always being associated
with your younger half you try to create, brand, and assert your individuality.
And
yet here were things before my eyes proving our intrinsic similarities. For
instance, I never told my sister I collected fortune cookie paper slips and put
in them in a small box for safe keeping. Then I found hers. I also never told
her that when working in a new art medium I am unfamiliar with I will often
resort to drawing dragons because no one can really say you’re not painting
them right since they technically don’t exist –which relieves the pressure of
making every image right off the bat when you’re still getting familiar with
the materials. Then I found her watercolor book.
I
also never showed my sister some of my art drawing designs… and when my mom
came across one of Em’s she actually asked if it was mine. Most of Emily’s toys
were dinosaurs. I honestly don’t know if it was my interest in dinos that
inspired her to like them or she developed that interest in them on her own. I
stumbled across Emily’s mini marble collection… much like the one I use to
have. Her photos of Ancient Egyptian relics –which I instantly snatched up and
claimed for myself to go with my Egyptian pictures and memorabilia (she won’t notice
they’re gone, I promise).
Then
when it came to the “valuables”, I found that although Emily had a lot of jewelry,
there were only a few she had actually worn and the rest was mostly placed out
of sight or lost in random drawers of crap. I kept good track of my jewelry,
but I honestly never really cared to wear any of it much and it never really
had any sentimental value to me –at least not in general.
The
random drawers of real sentimental things that seem like useless toys but are
more highly valued than that was a familiar sight to my eyes (I have at least 3
drawers at my apartment right now for them –kind of like mini toy boxes). Old
photos strewn about –and she kept all of her birthday cards in a special place
like I do.
It
was so weird to see how similar she used to be with me in ways I never noticed
before. My sister is a Pisces (same as me) turned Cancer. I always like to
assume she has always been a Cancer and her inner Pisces flew out the window at
a young age –making her consistently different from me from the start. Now I see
how matched we were when we were young and how we slowly deviated in our life
paths.
What
I see from my past are painful life lessons that allowed me to grow and push
forward. Each “curse” revealing itself to be a hidden blessing. My sister has
yet to learn this. Her eyes are still blind to how perfectly her path has
unfolded before her. How all her younger struggles have shaped who she is now. I
wish she would grow from her past instead of letting it stifle her future.
The
fact is we both were given two vary distinct internal struggles: for me Social
Anxiety Disorder, for her Attention Deficit Disorder. I went undiagnosed until I
was 22. She was diagnosed when she was 7 and put on a medication called Aderol.
The Aderol did several things: 1. Limited her growth and development. She grew
an inch in one month when she went off the medication. She is often mistaken
for someone in their teens even though she is in her 20s. She also didn’t get
her period until she was 15 and it has always been irregular.
2.
Increased her pulse rate. The Aderol worked by speeding up her heart beats –which
were already going fast. This tired her heart and made it wear itself out so it
would “calm” allowing her pulse to return to normal and her thoughts to go back
to being focused. Without the Aderol she would not have been able to focus in
school.
3.
Affected her mental health. Aderol was like a depressant to her. Teens are
already depressed as is –giving a teen a depressant is never a good idea. She
contemplated suicidal frequently and had to talk herself out of going through
with it over and over and over…
Aderol
became a necessary evil to get Emily through school. My mom was not aware of
the full extent of the “side effects” the Aderol was creating. She just thought
she was treating a disorder the way the doctor told her to. Emily and mom have
gotten into numerous disputes over the decision to make Emily take Aderol.
Personally I blame the doctor and pharmaceutical company for not better
informing both of them of the potential side effects.
Emily
struggles with her ADD now as many people do. Soda and caffeine tend to help
her calm down and focus her mind. But she still struggles staying focused and
alert sometimes.
Meanwhile
I have found reasons to be grateful for my disorder. Although it hinder my
social ability and ruined a lot of great opportunities I may have had in high
school and college, I am ultimately thankful I was blessed with this disorder.
It sheltered me in a lot of ways until I was old enough to come into my own. It
made me really see people and really LISTEN –which is the foundation to wisdom.
It helped me find myself by looking internally rather than making the mistake
of looking externally like most people do in relationships and things they lose
themselves to.
Without
my disorder I wouldn’t have gone to Toastmasters and met all the great people I
am now friends with and pushed to take on more leadership roles. I would have
been “normal” -not striving to improve as a person. Always trying to find new
ways to grow.
And
I think Emily’s disorder has brought her some blessings as well. It may have
stunted her growth, but by doing so it also “evened out” her proportions. She
is more “fit” than I am and seems to be a lot less “gawkward” and tall than me.
Her issues with mental focus have also steered her more towards the Cancer-side
of life. She seeks relationships and romance more than spirituality or
business. She has set herself in position to cultivate instinctual leadership abilities.
She has been pushed in the direction of mental reflection and finding ways to “calm”
herself –which is what water signs in general need but especially Cancer.
Her
life has shifted in ways that suite her –who she is and what she wants in life.
She just needs to see it in herself.
haha nice. following:D
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