Page 1
What
is a Dysfunctional Family?
·
Definition:
Dysfunctional
is that which is not operating according to its original design; faulty,
impaired, “not working properly” for optimal results.
·
History:
Not new, but more plentiful and more extreme than in the past.
What
Have We Learned About Dysfunctional Families?
1.
Dysfunctional families left to
themselves produce dysfunctional children.
2.
Dysfunctional families require an
“intervention” to break the cycle of destruction.
3.
Genuine recovery never begins
until a person “hits bottom”.
4.
Genuine recovery is never complete
until a person has helped another person recover.
Chip: “I was a
miniature adult as a kid”. He got straight A’s and always did what he was
supposed to but his dad was an alcoholic. He use to look after the younger
siblings and was the “helper” in the family. He would clean up his dads beer
bottles –which his dad went through pretty quickly drinking about 6 beers a
night. Chip never really felt comfortable getting close to people and he
usually felt alone.
Notes on page:
Parents control their
kids by lording money over them –ensuring their control and their kids
dependence. Kids then get treated as if they were incompetent and then fail to
develop adequate belief in themselves. Because of the dysfunction in the
family, kids have problems forming relationships , overcoming denial, handling
loss, and developing trust. God intended families to function in harmony, but
due to the disconnect and flawed habits of people dysfunction seeps in and
divides families from within. When parents are negative or live in a negative
way kids pick up on their perspectives and habits and grow in a negative way as
well. Families with dysfunction usually garner a lot of resentment, pressure,
avoidance, and tension.
Chip: At some point you
have to address the issues. My mom finally drew the line and said, “If you
don’t stop drinking I’m walking out with the kids and leaving you alone with
yourself.” Chip’s dad stopped drinking, but only after it had developed into something
that was obviously wrong and started affecting others negatively until it
reached the breaking point. “You have to lose in order to want to gain”.
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God’s
Solution for Dysfunctional Families –Examining the Problem
1. We are all a part of a
dysfunctional family.
“As
for you, you were dead in your
transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the
ways of this world and of *the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the
spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.
All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our
sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we
were by nature objects of wrath.”
–Ephesians 2:1-3 (NIV)
·
The Source = Romans 5:12
·
The Results > Past = Death, Present =
Disobedience, Future = Destruction
·
Jesus = Intervention
Notes: Each generation
breaks down more and more and the dysfunction continues to break relationships
and people. But it doesn’t have to continue. It can end with us. We can break
the cycle.
*Satan is called “the
Ruler of the Kingdom of the Air”. He was given this title to show that he
reigns over the space between heaven and earth, but like air does not hold sway
over it or control it. Air can also imply “nothingness”. Air lacks depth. Winds
can blow and howl but they cannot move mountains.
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Understanding
God’s Solution
2. Jesus’ sacrifice broke the
cycle of destruction.
“But
because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we
were dead in transgressions –it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and
seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in
the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed
in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus.” –Ephesians 2:4-7 (NIV)
·
His
Motive = v.4 (Because of His great love)
·
His
Action = v.5-6 (Gave our lives/souls back through Christ)
·
His
Purpose = v.7 (Show the glory of God and share it)
Experiencing
God’s Provision
3. Our restoration can only begin when
we recognize the full extent of our need.
“For
it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this not from yourselves,
it is the gift of God –not by
works, so that no one can boast.” –Ephesians 2:8-9 (NIV)
Notes: Dysfunction is a
ticking time bomb. The cycle of dysfunction doesn’t break unless it gets
broken. It always gets worse before it gets better. It takes courage and
humility to react to an intervention and let it sink in to take effect. It’s
not enough to try to “act better” you have to Believe better. You need to give
faith and let grace take hold –not just try to make it seem like you’ve gotten
over issues you’re still secretly clinging too. Change is an internal shift. It
takes time. God will always love you by His timeless nature. You should strive
to live a better life to exemplify His glory and grace which He bestowed upon
you with love.
Moving Beyond Recovery
4.
Our restoration will never be complete
until we impart what we now possess.
“For
we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” –Ephesians
2:10 (NIV)
Notes: Give yourself
over to serenity. Admit you are powerless and take responsibility for the fate
that has been carved out for you.
Chip: There was a book
written about events that occurred in Lebanon recently with some Christians that
were trying to live there peacefully. There was a well-known leader of a mosque
in a city that many, many Muslims respected and admonished. This Muslim leader
decided to bomb Christian families living in the area. Whole families were
burned and destroyed. When the Muslim leader walked down the street he would
see Christians who recognized him, but instead of cursing him and trying to
harm him they would pray for him instead. In an interview the Muslim leader was
asked what he thought about the Christians and he said he was very confused as
to why they would pray for him and go out of their way to forgive him. Finally
some Christians went up to him and said, “If you want to really understand God,
you have to understand the life of Christ”. The Muslim leader decided to read
the bible to see what they were talking about. After reading it he presented
himself before his congregation in an Islamic mosque and publicly announced
that Jesus was the son of God and the savior of all men. He was rushed and
attacked by the congregation and cursed out of the mosque –fleeing for his
life. Now he goes out of his way to advocate for Christians in the Muslim
world. Forgiveness, grace, and God’s love has the power to change anyone’s
life.
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Discussion
Questions
1. In what ways did your family
operate in a less-than-healthy manner? In a spiritual sense, why are we all
members of a dysfunctional family?
My
family was the picture-perfect example of dysfunction. Divorce, manipulation,
denial, control, negative emotional confrontations, remarrying into a new
family, alcoholism, tension, avoidance… But everyone has some level of
dysfunction in their lives that negatively impacts their well-being. When
people are close to others their negativity spreads and seeps into other’s lives
as well. It’s like second-hand smoke.
2. Why did Jesus intervene to break
the cycle of destruction in our lives? What happens in a person’s life when
they receive God’s grace and forgiveness? As was, too many
people were unable to ultimately overcome sin. There were too many hoops to
jump through to try and redeem themselves alone and too many transgressions
continuously adding up against them for their souls to be uplifted. God wanted
people to come to Him –especially the ones who seek Him out. He sacrificed
Himself so that it could be done and Unity could be achieved again. Now grace
is available to everyone and the people who really want to be with God can.
When people receive this grace they are humbled by that love and uplifted o it
at the same time. People’s lives change and they connect to God and their souls
in a way they would not have otherwise been able to.
3. Why can’t restoration begin until
we realize the full extent of our need? In what ways are you coping and/or
overcompensating rather than dealing with the core issue in your life? When
you hit bottom, it hits you. You realize the extent of the situation and how
bad things have really gotten –especially if others point it out to you. When
it becomes blatant and destructively obvious, you can’t ignore it, make excuses
for it, or pretend it isn’t there. Sometimes people have to cyclone their way
into oblivion before they realize they need to change themselves. I’m not
really having issues in my life right now. At least not obvious ones that I’m
definitively concerned with. I’m plugging along at my own pace and improving
slowly but surely. I’m like a fine stew that way.
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