Emotions

What the hell are emotions? What are they?

I was walking to my car at night after buying some stuff at Target. My heart was compressed, my brows furrowed, my eyes distant, my chest heavy... I was sinking into myself. And I thought, What is this? How do I get these feelings? Where do they come from, physically? What are emotions?

I feel them so frequently. My moods shift like waves on the sea. This morning I was happy I think. I rolled out of bed and started thinking of my day. I had gotten some good thoughts for a blog, and actually went strait to my computer to write it. Then I took a shower and texted my sister -we were going on a quest to buy Xmas presents.

Then she got here. My mood had probably shifted 5 times, but overall had been pretty steady. Then I started reading my blog comments. Then I got frustrated. I went cerebral on myself. My thoughts become silly puddy I can't quite get off of my head. I mead them and stretch them and get them untangled and retangled. It's a mess that consumes my mind and distracts me from more practical matters -like dealing with reality.

My sister is annoyed at my typing. I turn the computer off and grab my purse to go. We head out. Parking is impossible and the stores are crowded. What you want isn't there. But I'm not frustrated, just bored. Life is so boring. I think about what I told my friend the other day. She said she feared death. I said I use to fear death, but not anymore. She said she wished she could never die. I said, "I definitely want to die." I hate this life. I don't know why I put myself through it sometimes. I'm ready for death. But as always, I'm eternally patient. I can wait it out.

I find the move I was looking for. Buy it. Get in the car. I'm feeling lazy and more anxious to play Skyrim with my sis. We get there. We start to play. Then I get texts.

Them I'm depressed. My mind is elsewhere. I'm starting to feel physically weighted. Life doesn't seem to matter. I want to go home. Still have some more shopping to do. I suck at it. I give up after buying a few more things. I go home with the hopes of writing several impressive blogs. I lose interest halfway through the first. Why does it matter? I'm disheartened. Having physical pain that's hard to describe. The throat tightens, but with subtlety. The eyes get weary. It's in the chest and it's in the head. The legs never feel soar or in pain when you're depressed. It's never the arms, it's never the back, it's never the ears... always the chest and head.

That's why people say your heart carries the feelings. When you get unpleasant emotions your chest is always affected. For me it's Head above Heart. If I don't cling to rationality and clear lines of logic I get too emotionally attached to the situation and lose myself to it. And then it hurts. Not the typical hurt like a stomach cramp or a punch in the face. More like a wave of internal shipwreck. Your thoughts acknowledge the pain, and your thoughts themselves are hurt by that fact.

You associate sadness with several lines of thought, at least if you have a submissive nature (I don't know what a non-submissive nature would feel or think). The first is usually: "I've done wrong". Then follows: "I'm not good enough." "What's wrong with me?" "Why does somebody dislike me?" "Why is love gone?"

Sadness is beautiful. I think I will always maintain that. Ther is so much beauty in it and I don't know why. Anger frightens me, but sadness draws me in. Sometimes I purposely let it overwhelm me. In dreams I'll imagine things that will bring me to that point, and I'll let a tear slide -not because it is based on reality or anything actual- but because the dream brought out something real in me: a true emotion. I feel like feeling it because Emotions are real even when they don't come from reality. That's why people can cry during movies or hearing someone else's bad news. That's why Emotions lead people to Spirituality. It's a Letting Go and an Embrace of What is within.

I rarely cry because of real-life situations. I was raised by a Libra and a Gemini. The Libra wasn't emotional and the Gemini was overly emotional. From these two I learned: You're supposed to act happy, even when you're not. Sadness is something to be held in private, not public. When you are sad, people will either care too much or not at all. Either way it's not good. Crying doesn't fix anything.

They never said these words out loud to me, but this is what I learned from them.

I internalize everything. When I was in my teens I felt like a robot somedays because I was so good at not showing my emotions. There are days I know I can't hide my feelings, and those days suck. Other times I'm suprised how well I fool everyone. It almost feels like a victory. B the only moods I ever really get are Depression, Happyness, Fear, Doubt, Apathy, and Empathy. When I do get anger, I can't control it. That's why I try to avoid it because I really turn into an idiot when I get angry.

But most of the time, I just think. My thoughts lead me and I let them, paying little attention to the emotioinal states I pass through as I follow them.