Strongly Dismayed

This is weird to talk about, but I'll try and explain it anyway because it is something that tightened my gut and lowered my spirits when I heard it.

This is a singer I've admired for a while, but initially I didn't know why. I started taking note of his existence about 3 years ago or so. Turns out he is a Cancer. Pisces admire Cancers -they're very similar to Pisces, only more confident. Now this Cancer initially bugged me in some ways because 1. He acknowledged that he was a fan of hanging out with "Mary Jane" and 2. He would talk about "hippie beliefs" that I realized later were taken from Buddhism but wrapped in layers of sentimentalism and airy notions.

But for some reason, despite my disappointment in his thoughts and my attempt to distance myself from being interested in reading his blog and hearing his delusional notions, I still felt strangely drawn to him. And I've continued reading his blog for a while. Being a Cancer, romance was definitely something he spoke of frequently. But more than love, it as lust that can be read most prominently in every post he makes. This bugged me as well, but he is a guy and a Cancer prone to flirtation so I tried to forgive and look past this annoying tendency. He would often make deep insights and humorous statements that were really compelling. The thing that compelled me to read his words the most was when he spoke of Compassion, Charity, Love, Life, and the Spiritual. My language.

In the course of reading his blog I found that in the fall of 2009 he had found who claimed to be "the one". Her name was Tawney -a Leo who worked full time at a charity organization helping women who were sold as sex slaves in various countries outside the U.S. where they are not as protected and guaranteed equal rights. A Leo is the "Builder sign" that improves a Cancer. I started popping in and out of her blog -which as hard to believe as it is was more hippie than his. They had been dating for about two years and seemed to compliment each other well. Oh hippies...

So then I was surprised to read that he had started dating a former girlfriend kind of out of the blue early 2010. This was weird considering he had mentioned possibly marrying Tawney less than 5 months earlier and suddenly he was dating this former ex-girlfriend who was also a singer. But soon enough both he and his new/ former-ex girlfriend were dating so I popped into her blog as well to see what she was all about. She is a Gemini -another Builder sign of a Cancer. She fits the bill too, only with less emphasis on being highly educated since she did not attend college. I find her amusing, and her music very beautiful. So last Christmas he actually Proposed to her. Dangz. They seemed perfectly suited. A Cancer and a Gemini can have issues if their vices overcome the relationship. Vices for Gemini women are promiscuity, independence, a constant need for change, and issues evaluating emotions instead of feeling and expressing them fully leading to an occasionally withdrawn nature -which she seemed to have. Vices for a Cancer man are "bitchyness", over sensitivity and possessiveness, and distant detached emotional periods of isolation -which he seemed to have as well. But they seemed to be holding strong until Summer 2011. Then he called off the engagement. I continued to follow her blog because it is good to read and occasionally has good lessons and quotes on it. I also still continued reading Tawney's blog.

So it was hard seeing what was happening in these people's lives that I had a sense of and knew and yet didn't know. It was personally disheartening for me to see a Cancer I admired fall from his good graces. He use to be a real light. He was calm, energetic, funny, approachable, focused, at peace, humble... And now he's lost himself -distant, quiet, bedraggled, lack luster... And yet I still look on to him waiting for him to put himself together to become who I know he can be. He gives me hope.

2 days ago I randomly checked into Tawney's blog. She mentioned that her ex-boyfriend had been "unfaithful" to her and ended things in early 2010. My heart dropped. I didn't think he was capable of doing something like that. Especially to someone he had been dating 2 years. I had feared for him before. Once in a blog he wrote that "God is a nice ideal and a dream, but I don't know if He really exists". Another time he said that Jesus and Buddha had failed because not Everyone believed in their lessons. I had feared for him before, but to do something as f*d up as cheating... It's just hard when you're rooting for someone and you believe in someone and then you watch them loose faith and fall into disappointment after disappointment after disappointment...

I don't know. I usually don't expect anything from people. People don't exist for my benefit. Why should I expect to benefit from somebody leading their own life and making their own decisions? It's stupid, foolish, and selfish to expect someone to live up to the expectations you have for them just because you see the potential in them to be more. But for him, I still feel compelled to root for him to rise again.

I wish my ultimate idol John Rzeznik had his own blog -I would follow that like no other. John always makes me feel proud. Even the fact that he's a Sagittarius can't disappoint me. But for now I pop in and out of different people's blogs learning what I can and waiting for these people to find their way and fully realize their true potential.