Paraphrasing Frankenstein

So there was this captain on this ship out in the arctic. He was pretty bored and lonely. He kept trying to talk to the crew about philosophy and life and the world and they were like, "Yah I need to go scrub some things..."

So this Captain started wishing he had a friend, just someone he could talk to, kind of like a parrot, and have real conversations that mattered.

Then one day some guy was spotted on a random chunk of ice floating nearby. They pulled the guy onto the boat and he was all disoriented and bedraggled. The Captain saw this man and was immediately like, "Quick! Take him to my quarters we must restore this man back to health!" But inside all the Captain was thinking was, Oh my God a new Best Friend! Finally! Someone I can converse with on the deck while sipping fine wines and talking about Europe.

So the stranger finally comes to, and the Captain is eagerly waiting for him to speak and he's sitting about 2 inches away from this man like, "Take your time. No rush. I only want to hear your life story. When you're ready. Just speak to me..."

And then the ragged man says, "Oh woe... I am so sad... Oh woe..."

And the Captain is like, "Oh my God you poor poor soul what cruel fate has befallen you???"

And the guy says, "Oh woe, my name is Victor Frankenstein and... Oh Woe... I am a miserable wretch."

And with giant saucer eyes the Captain's like, "No Victor, you can't be a miserable wretch you are the most wonderful man I've ever met."

And Victor's like, "Cough... cough... pfft... But I am ...cough...
I was once like you, cough. A dreamer trying to achieve a dream, Oh Woe. Couhhgghh... Never try to achieve anything. It never turns out well... Oh Woe!"

Captain, "Why what happened Victor??? Please tell me?!!!"

Victor's like, "Well I am a miserable wretch and all, Oh Woe, Cough... So I don't know why you'd want to hear from me, but if you really have that low of standards cough, I guess I can tell you my tale..."

"So there I was -so young and innocent. I was just sitting there in college science class when my teacher did this experiment with a dead frog and some electricity. Oh how the frog jolted...And then I thought, why not do that to a dead person? So there I went, off to the cemetery to gather some things...

Well I sowed some body parts together to make a really big dead man -I wasn't very good at the game Operation, oh woe, and I was always getting zapped when I tried to pull out the wishbone so I decided: Let's make this guy huge. Problem solved. After my over sized corpse was all humpty-dumpty'd together, I was ready to apply some electricity.

I wasn't playing God. I haven't seen God bring anyone back to life lately, so really I was showing God up. It was a humbling experience. But then I stared at my creation as it slowly began to move and it's eye opened right in front of me and I thought, "Holy crap this thing is ugly. It's like a zombie, or a collection of zombies sown together to make one really big zombie. And it smells funny."

That's when I decided I needed a drink. So I left my apartment and went down to the pub for a couple hours. When I came back to my apartment I saw that the zombiefied monster had left and I was like, Well that worked itself out quite nicely. There's no way this will ever come back to haunt me.

Oh woe...cough... If only I had known. I was a little mopey for the next week or so, being a miserable wretch and all... But then my friend Benjamin Button came to me and inquired, 'Why are you so sad?' And I was like, 'Oh woe...' I didn't want to talk about it.

So then Benjamin took me on this lovely carriage ride through the park and suddenly I looked at the world around me and saw that it was spring time and the sun was shining ever so brightly and the leaves were as green as ever on the swaying trees around me. And I was happy again.

Then I got framed for murder. This was a couple months later of course. I was in jail and I was confused because they were accusing me of strangling some maid I had never met before... I mean look at these scrawny arms of mine. You really think I could choke someone? I have trouble getting the lid off of a Skippy Peanut Butter jar. Anyway, so then I got out of jail somehow. I don't exactly remember how... I just remember being in a jail cell with a lot of men in a closed and confined space for a couple weeks... I don't recall anything though. It's strange. I guess my mind blocked it out for some reason.

So then after I was released I was wandering down this forest trail next to a creek during a thunderous windstorm looking for some boy who had run away, when suddenly I saw this bear! It was this really ugly bear, like the ugliest bear I had ever seen. And then I thought, Victor you mcgoober, that's no bear that's that monster thing you created. It was so funny. I totally didn't recognize him. Then I saw he had some sort of stuffed animal in his hand and I thought, How ironic would it be if that was a teddy bear! But as it turns out, that was not a teddy bear.

Then the monster and I got into an argument. He was rambling on about how I had abandoned him and neglected to teach him morals or explain his existence to him and how now his new soul purpose in life was to ruin my life for giving him one... He was just going on and on about it. And I was like, Oh Woe is you. You're the only one with problems these days. Don't mind me. I couldn't possibly have any. Not even the one where I accidentally/ purposely created a zombie who's now framing me for murder...No. You're the only one with issues in his life.

Then he threatened to kill me, can you believe it???! I told him he should start a band called The Ungrateful Undead... Then he demanded I make him a wife of all things. I made a joke referencing the Stepford Wives, but he didn't know what that was so I just said, Fine I'll make you a wife.

I was planning my own wedding at the time. I was getting married to this girl my family had taken in when I was 7. She was sort of my adopted sister, but mostly my girlfriend. Anyway, she was off planning the wedding ceremony while I was off making zombieman his bride. It was ironic.

Then I finally managed to finish the zombie wife and the monster was getting all excited and saying how he would finally have someone to love and they would run off together into the sunset and find a secret place to live away from society where they could spend the remainder of their days gazing into each others corpsey eyes... And I was like, Ewwww... what if the monsters mated? Then there would be baby zombies!!! In hindsight I realize that that would be physically impossible since neither had bodily fluids and I had forgotten to put the uterus in the female zombie, but I wasn't thinking and I ended up overreacting a little.

I tore the bride apart -which I also realize was unnecessary because the monster didn't know how to bring her back to life so it's not like I would have been harming anything to just walk away from the situation, but I didn't and I ended up getting liver and spleen gunk all over my shoes in the process. Oh woe.

Then the monster got all sorts of pissed off at me and I was like, This is your own fault for being a monster and everything. And he kept saying it was my fault because I made him and then I said, Well you smell funny... and things went downhill from there. The last thing he said to me was something about being there on my wedding night, and I said, Sorry to disappoint you because I know you're all obsessed and in love with me, but I'll be with my wife that night -you know, my Wife. She's that thing you get when you aren't a monster, to love, honor, and cherish forever and ever. Burn.

So there I was on my wedding night, shotgun in hand, waiting on the front porch. My wife called out to me from our honeymoon suite, Victor come to bed. It's our first night together, we should be together. I told her I'd be there in a minute. Women... they just don't understand. So it was around 1 A.M. when I started thinking to myself, Gee maybe the monster isn't coming and I was just being paranoid...

Then my wife screamed from inside the bedroom. At first ignored her thinking she had seen a spider or whatever girls are always complaining about being afraid of... but then the light dawned on me, OH! That's what monster meant when he said...OH! I totally get it now. Clever. Because I destroyed his bride he... OH!

I immediately ran to the bedroom and sure enough, the monster had slayed my bride. Irony. So then I cursed him and vowed to follow him to the ends of the earth until at last I had ended his life and then vowed to never sow him back together and reanimate his corpse again. It was a good plan until we wound up in the arctic and it got chilly and cold and my sled dogs didn't know how to use the GPS system I got them... And now here we are."

The Captain staired at him for a moment, thinking of everything he had just heard, and then turned to Victor and said, "You poor poor soul, I can't believe the monster put you threw all that. Oh woes."

Then the monster appeared from behind and Victor screamed, "Noooooooo..." but it was too late and the Captain was stabbed in the back. Then Victor, still weary from his travels, lunged at the monster with all his might. The monster then bopped him on the head and said, "Listen stupid I just came to say you are a horrible excuse for a human and I don't want to carry on this existence anymore. I am therefore going to commit suicide. I suggest you do the same."

Then the monster lept off the ship, climbed a mountain overlooking a cliff, set himself ablaze, and jumped over the edge...

Victor was mopey for a couple weeks after that, but then recalled his ride in the carriage and invited his friend Benjamin to take a stroll through the park. Then Victor was happy again.